Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 8 - The Pool Guy - full transcript

Jerry has a hard time telling the pool guy at his new health club that there isn't room for a 5th member of the group. George's worlds collide when Elaine starts hanging out with Susan. ...

I'd like to know when tick-tack-toe
became the pound sign?

That's what I 'd like to know.
Why don't they call it what it really is?

"Leave your numeric message now,
and then press Archie's head."

And what is that redial button?
Let's face it.

You'll either get the person, the
machine or they have call waiting.

Who is redialling and redialling?

This is like the harassment key
for people in a fight, you know.

Hey, I'm not through.

You can't do that to me.

And another thing.

Who would win a fight
between you and me?

What do you mean?

If you and I ever got into
a really serious fight, you know...

and the punches started flying,
who would win?

Well, I think that's pretty obvious.

Yeah, me too.

- Hey, Elaine.
- Hey.

Who do you think would win
a fight between me...

and gorgeous George here?

- You mean a real "fight" fight?
- Mano a baldo.


- Why?
- George fights dirty.

Really? What would you do?

Pull hair, poke eyes, groin stuff.
Whatever I gotta do.

So listen, you're not doing
anything tomorrow, are you?

Because I have an extra ticket to the
historical clothing exhibit at the Met.

I'm sorry.


Would I want to see what
Mary Todd wore to Lincoln's funeral?

There's nobody I can go with.

You know what?
I don't have one female friend left.

Well, no, of course, you don't.
You're a man's woman.

You hate other women
and they hate you.

Thank you.

So, Jerry, what time
are we going to the movies?

- How about the 8:30?
- Saddle up and ride.

- You wanna get something to eat first?
- No, I'm good.

I wonder if Susan...?

No, I better just go.

All right. See you.

There's nothing more pathetic than
a grown man who's afraid of a woman.

Hey, why don't you ask Susan?

- George's Susan?
- Yeah.

Yeah, why not Susan?

I should be friends with Susan.

Of course, Susan.

Okay. I'll see you guys. Bye.

That's gonna be trouble.

- Why?
- Jerry, don't you see?

This world here,
this is George's sanctuary.

If Susan comes into contact
with this world, his worlds collide.

You know what happens then?

Did I tell you I'm getting
a new number?

- How come?
- Chicks, man.

Too many chicks know my number.

Hey, Jerry, how are you,
Mr. Backstroke?

Kramer, this is Ramon
from the new health club I joined.

- You know what happened?
- What?

They fired me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Said I put too much chlorine
in the pool.

- Hey, well, stay out of the deep end.
- Okay. See you later.

What's in the deep end?

- Hello.
- Hey, George.

- Hey, Laney, what's going on?
- Nothing much.

Can I talk to Susan?

Yeah, right. Hang on.
I'll get her for you.

Seriously, what's up?

No, George, really,
can I talk to Susan?

Susan, why?

Because I wanna ask her to lunch
and to the Met tomorrow.

Oh, I don't think you wanna do that.

- Why not?
- Well, what would be the point of that?

Will you put her on the phone?

Where did this come from
all of a sudden?

Are you gonna let me
talk to Susan or not?

I really think I should have
been consulted about this.

Here. Something.


Oh, that sounds great.
Oh, I love that sort of stuff.

- You wanna sit here?
- Yeah.

Over there.

- Why?
- A little buffer zone.

If we were at my place on the couch,
would we sit right next to each other?

- No, you got a point.
- All right.

I can't.

- What are you doing?
- Well, these seats have no lumbar.

Oh, hey, there's Ramon.
Pretend we're talking.

- We are talking.
- Pretend it's interesting.

So, well, then I had to kill him
and the police are still looking for me.

- Yeah, that's....
- Hey, hi, Jerry.

- Hey, Ramon.
- I took a lot of napkins.

- You want some?
- Oh, no, thanks.

Hey, is this seat taken?


And the worst part is, after the movie
he leeched onto us...

we wound up having
coffee with him for two hours.

Then he walks us home, all the way
back to the building.

Finally, I said, "Look, Ramon,
I gotta go to bed now."

- Have you spoken to Elaine yet today?
- No, why?

She called Susan last night.

Oh, yeah, I know.

- How do you know?
- It was my idea.

- Your idea?
- Yeah?

What'd you do that for?

She was looking for someone
to go to the show with.

Well, that was really a stupid thing.

- You know what's gonna happen now?
- Worlds collide.


Because this world is
your sanctuary...

- and if it comes in contact with this...
- Yes, it blows up.

If you know,
what did you tell Elaine for?

I didn't know. Kramer told me
about the worlds.

You couldn't figure out
the worlds theory for yourself?

It's just common sense.

Anybody knows
you gotta keep your worlds apart.

Yeah, I guess I slipped up.

- Hey.
- Hey.

He knows the worlds theory.

What? Is it blowing up?

Cosmo, go.

No, no, no, no.

This new telephone number
is driving me crazy.

Wrong numbers every five minutes.

- What is it?
- Well, it's 555-3455.

- 555-3455.
- Yeah.


Well, wait a second.
Don't you see? That's 555-FlLK.

- What's "filk"?
- Filk's nothing.

But 555-FlLM is Moviefone.

Oh, Moviefone.

Yeah, so people are just dialling it
by mistake and getting you.

- So I'm filk.
- You're filk.

Oh, Mama.

Well, but what about that number
Susan B. Anthony wore...

to the 19th Amendment party, huh?

Quite the d?colletage
for a suffragette.

Well, it must have been
one hell of a party.

Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you.


Forget it.

What? You can tell me.
I'll put it in the vault.

The vault?

Mr. Seinfeld, we heard
you went to the movies with Ramon.

I didn't actually go with Ramon.
I bumped into him.

It's good he has friends
like you to cheer him up.

- Tell him to call us.
- Tell him Dustin says hello.

- All right. I gotta go.
- To see Ramon?

What else did you two do?

Oh, I don't know.
You know, girlie stuff.

So flower shows and shopping
for pretty bows....

And then back to her place, strip down
to bra and panties for a tickle fight?

That's what you think girls do,
isn't it?

Yes, I do.


Hey, you know, George isn't too happy
about your new friendship.

Yeah, well, I don't really give a sh...

Hey, buddy, what's going on?

Yeah, hello.

Yeah, no, no, no. Hold on.

Yeah, Cupid's Rifle.
Eight-thirty, Sony Lincoln Square.

Yeah, no, no, no.
No problem. Yeah.

You're looking up movies
for people now?

I got time.

And this.

Cosmo here.

Yeah. No, no, no. I'll help.

Yeah, Firestorm's good.
I saw it yesterday.

My buddy Jerry,
he's seen it twice.

You wanna talk to him?

- Here.
- No, Kramer. I don't wanna talk to...

Just tell him about the picture.
What's the matter with you? Stop it.

Yes, are you still there?
Look, I'm sorry about that.

All right, there's an 8:30
and a 10:15 showing.

Oh, that's George. Yeah?

Hey, it's Ramon.

- What?
- It's Ramon, Jerry. I'm coming up.

Oh, okay.

What is he doing here?

- Who? Who is Ramon?
- He's the pool guy.

- What pool guy?
- Do me a favour.

- Stick around while he's here.
- Yeah, no problem.

Hey, Jerry, how are you, crazy guy?

- So, Ramon, this is my friend Elaine.
- Yeah, and I was just leaving.

Bye-bye, Jerry.

- What are you doing around here?
- I was in the neighbourhood.

- I figured I'd check you out.
- I kind of had some things to do.

Oh, yeah? Where are you going?

Just, you know, I don't know.
Stuff I gotta do.

Hey, that's cool.
I'm up for some stuff.

All right.

So get this. I get down there...

and right away
I see the drain is clogged.

- It's obvious. Can you believe that?
- All right, Ramon. I'm gonna get going.

- I think we should separate here.
- What are you trying to say, Jerry?

Look. You're a nice guy,
but I actually only have three friends.

I really can't handle any more.

I see. It's because I clean pools,

That has nothing to do with it.

Yeah, we got along real well.

Because, you know,
she has no female friends.

You know that, don't you?

Something strange about a woman
whose friends are all men.

Yeah, I know.
We talked all about that.

- You talked all about that?
- Oh, yeah.

Elaine opened up her vault.

Did you just say "vault"?

Yeah, why? Did I use it wrong?

You got that from Elaine?

Yeah. So what?

Well, it's a little strange.

Are you gonna start
to talk like Elaine from now on?

I don't know.

Anyway, I thought
we'd all go to a movie on Friday.

We'd all go to a movie on Friday?


This is not good.

Worlds are colliding.

George is getting upset!

You have no idea
of the magnitude of this thing.

If she is allowed
to infiltrate this world...

then George Costanza,
as you know him, ceases to exist.

You see, right now,
I have relationship George...

but there is also
independent George.

That's the George you know,
the George you grew up with.

Movie George, coffee-shop George,
liar George, bawdy George.

- I love that George.
- Me too. And he's dying, Jerry.

If relationship George
walks through this door...

he will kill independent George.

A George divided against itself
cannot stand.

You're killing independent George.
You know that, don't you?

George, I don't even wanna get...

You know what word Susan
used last night? "Vault."

- So?
- She got that from you.

Well, I didn't tell her to say it.

Is she the only girl in the whole world?
Can't you find your own?

I like her.

You see? You see?

You see what I'm talking about?

It's all just slipping away.

And you're all letting it happen.

- So you wanna catch a movie later?
- Yeah, sure.

I don't have a paper, though.

Hello, and welcome to Moviefone.

Brought to you by
The New York Times and Hot 97.

Coming to theatres this Friday;

Kevin Bacon, Susan Sarandon.

You've got to get me
over that mountain!


There's no higher place
than Mountain High. Rated R.

If you know the name of the movie
you'd like to see, press one.

Kramer, is that you?


What time does Chow Fun start?

I don't know.

Well, well, look who's here.

What are you doing here?
You could get in trouble.

No, I don't think so, Jerry.

You see, they gave me my job back.

- What?
- I'm a pool boy again.

Look, Ramon, about the other day,
I'm sorry if I offended you.

I get a little crabby on the subway.

Oh, do you?

What happened to all the towels?

I guess they must have

Hey, Jerry, look at all the towels they
gave me. I really hit the jackpot.

It's been a terrible situation down there
the past couple of days.

He's really making things
uncomfortable for me.

There's always a big pile
of dirty towels in front of my locker.

Then when I come out of pool,
my towel is always gone.

- So frustrating.
- Tell me about it.

So you wanna join me and Susan
for lunch at the coffee shop?

- You're meeting at the coffee shop?
- Yeah.

I'm meeting George
for lunch at the coffee shop.

Well, this should be very interesting.

- Hey, Elaine, Jerry. Over here.
- Oh, there they are.

- Look who I ran into.
- Great.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Come on. Aren't you gonna
join us?

You know, I'm supposed to meet...


- I'll wait for him outside.
- Wait here. Come on, sit down.

What's the matter with you?

This is gonna be ugly.

- What's that, Jerry?
- I said, boy, am I ugly.

Hey, hey, Georgie boy, over here.

One, two...



- Hey, George!
- No, we'll pull up another chair.

I see you there, Ramon.

Hey, I'm not done.

I know what you're up to, Ramon.

Because I'm a member here,
this is my place to swim.

Now, you better cut it out, Ramon.
Just stop it.

Ollie, ollie, oxen free!


I think he's gonna need
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.




go ahead.

You go.

You knocked him out.

Yeah, but you pulled him in.

Come on, Newman. Do it.


He might die.

Yeah. Maybe.

Jerry, we'll meet you
at the theatre. Okay.

Next showing's at 9:00.
We can't wait any longer.

Where could he be?
It's not like George to just disappear.

Look, let's just leave him
a note, okay?

- I don't know.
- Oh, come on. Come on.


Elaine and I went
to see Chunnel...

with Jerry."

- "Love"?
- Yeah.

"Love, Susan."

So eventually these people came...

and somebody gave him

He could have died.

Yeah, it was a gamble.

Why didn't you give him

How can you possibly
show your face there again?

Oh, I can't.
They revoked my membership.

Newman too. No, we can't go
anywhere near there.

Hi. Three for Chunnel.
Two adults, one child.

What the hell is this?

"George. Elaine and I went
to see Chunnel with Jerry."

With Jerry, huh? With Jerry.
Great. Great.

Probably went to the 84th Street.
That's where I always go with Jerry.

Hello, and welcome to Moviefone.

If you know the name of the movie
you'd like to see, press one.

Come on, come on.

Using your touch-tone keypad...

please enter the first three letters
of the movie title now.

You've selected Agent Zero.

If that's correct, press one.


You've selected Brown-Eyed Girl.

If this is correct, press one.

Why don't you just tell me the name
of the movie you selected.


To find the theatre nearest you...

please enter your
five-digit ZlP code now.

Why don't you just tell me
where you wanna see the movie.

Loews Paragon,
84th and Broadway.

Chunnel is playing at the Paragon
84th Street cinema...

in the main theatre at 9:30 PM.

Yeah, now I got you.

It's also playing
in theatre number two at 9:00.

- The English Channel Tunnel...
- Jerry.

- Or Chunnel runs 32...
- Where are you?

With two openings.

- One here. And another here.
- I know you like to sit back here.

- That's all we've got. Thank you...
- Elaine?

- Can I ask you something?
- Susan?

I can't figure out
what's going on here.

I can't follow the plot.

Why did they kill that guy?

- I thought he was with them.
- That's not the guy.

That's a different guy.

What is he doing in the Chunnel?

Would you two please...?

Everybody out of the Chunnel!
Everybody out of the Chunnel!

Susan, Jerry.

Where are you?
I know you're there.

- Answer me.
- Hey, sit down.

Hey, hey, answer me!
Come on, show yourselves.

- We're trying to watch a movie here.
- Drink your soda.

Come on. I know you're there,
laughing at me.

Laughing and lying and laughing.

I had to go to Reggie's, Jerry.

- You better stay off of there.
- Where are you?

Hey, are you sure you got
the right theatre?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, Chunnel. Susan!
- It's playing in two theatres.

- Two theatres?
- Yeah, there's a 9 too.

Your car is in the Chunnel,
somewhere between France...


- Good, huh?
- What'd you think, Susan?

I don't know.
I couldn't hear anything.

- You two talked the whole movie.
- Oh, well, come on.

- You wanna go grab a bite to eat?
- No, I don't think so.

- Why not?
- Well, you know...

all you guys ever do is sit around
the coffee shop talking...

sit around Jerry's apartment

Frankly, I don't know
how you can stand it.

See you.

I know they're in there.
The three of them.

Laughing at me, together.
Laughing and lying.

They're killing independent George!
They're all in on it!

Worlds are colliding!

Hello, and welcome
to your worst nightmare.

I know you're in there.
Cosmo Kramer, apartment 5B.

You're in big trouble now.

You've been stealing my business.

If you'd like to do this the easy way,
open the door now.

Or please select the number of
seconds you'd like to wait...

before I break this door down.
Please select now.