Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 12 - The Caddy - full transcript

Elaine's floozy former ex-roommate Sue Ellen Mischkie returns. George locks his keys in his car and leaves it in the Yankees parking lot. Elaine, out of spite, buys Sue Ellen a bra for a birthday gift as she has never worn one. George, having successfully convinced Wilhelm and Steinbrenner that he's putting in extra hours, decides to skip town with Susan after learning that her father rebuilt the cabin. So George asks Kramer and Jerry to go to Yankee Stadium and take the fliers off of his car. The car is really dirty, and Jerry and Kramer decide to go take it to the car wash. But along the way, they see Sue Ellen wearing the bra as a top. Jerry and Kramer get distracted and crash George's car. They return the damaged car back to Yankee Stadium. Steinbrenner, having seen the damage, and with George nowhere in sight, thinks George is dead. Kramer injures his arm in the accident, and his golf game is ruined. Elaine decides that Sue Ellen is a menace to society, and Kramer hires smooth-talking attorney Jackie Chiles to represent them. Unfortunately, the trial is jeopardized when Kramer asks Stan The Caddy for advice.

I don't know why people are surprised...

when someone gets hit in
the head with a golf ball?

Have you watched
the tournaments on TV?

You got 600 people
crowding around a hole that big...

and no one believes it
when a Titleist...

bounces off someone's coconut.

You know, you throw a rock into
a crowd, that's considered terrorism.

But if you have a nice follow-through,
you know, that's golf.

I'm always impressed
with the golf cameraman...

whose job it is to follow the golf ball
when it's in the sky.

It's a little white ball doing 100 miles
an hour on a white background.

"l got it. I lost it. I got it. I lost it."

Why bother? Aim the camera
at the sky. Aim it at the ground.

Take a ball out of your pocket.
Throw it down.

Who's gonna know
where the hell it came from?

How did you lock your keys
in your car?

How? Because I'm an idiot.

- Why didn't you get a locksmith?
- I was going to.

Then I found out the Auto Club has
free locksmith service, so I signed up.

Just waiting
for the membership to kick in.

How long has your car been sitting
in the Yankee parking lot?

I don't know. About three days.

Hello, boys.

- You're not playing golf?
- Yes, indeed.

Calendar says winter,
but the gods of spring are out.

- And the course is open?
- No, no.

I sneak in with Stan the Caddy.
We go through the caddies' entrance.

- No kidding.
- I'll tell you something else.

Stan's advice has transformed
my game. He's never wrong.

He thinks eventually I'll have a shot
at making it big on the Senior Tour.

Oh, that's my dream, Jerry.

- Really, you're getting that good?
- Oh, I'm the real deal.

Yeah, here, Stan. In here.
There he is.

Jerry, George, this is Stan the Caddy.

- How you doing?
- Hi.

Nice to meet you.

- Ready to hit the links?
- You betcha.

- What are those, cotton pants?
- Yeah, yeah.

What, is it too cold out?

Here's what you do.
You bring a lightweight jacket.

That way, the sun comes out,
you play the jacket off the sweater.

Oh, that makes sense.
That's a good call, Stan.

All right. We'll see you later.

- Yeah, we'll see you.
- See you.

- Stan the Caddy.
- Stan the Caddy.



Oh, great. It's the braless wonder.

Who does she think she's kidding?

Look at her,
she's totally out of control.

I was thinking, "That woman
looks like Elaine Benes."

Yeah. What have you been up to?

- Just been hanging out.
- I see.

Listen, I'm having a birthday party
tomorrow evening.

- I'd love it if you came by.
- Oh, tomorrow.

- I don't know if I can.
- No?

- No, I'm just really, really busy.
- Oh, that's too bad.

Well, I hope you can
get me a gift anyway.

- George.
- Mr. Wilhelm.

I'm sorry to interrupt you,
but Mr. Steinbrenner and l...

want you to know we appreciate
all the hours you've been putting in.

Oh, and confidentially...

Sozonkel, assistant to the general
manager, hasn't been working out...

and the boss thinks
you're the man for the job.

So keep it under your hat.

Assistant to the general manager!
Do you know what that means?

He could be asking my advice
on trades.

Trades, Jerry. I'm a heartbeat away.

That's a hell of an organization
they're running up there.

I can't understand why they haven't
won a pennant in 15 years.

And it is all because of that car.

See, Steinbrenner is, like,
the first guy in at the crack of dawn.

He sees my car.
He figures I'm the first guy in.

Then the last person to leave
is Wilhelm.

He sees my car. He figures
I'm burning the midnight oil.

Between the two of them, they
think I'm working an 18-hour day.

Locking your keys in your car is
the best career move you ever made.

- Hey.
- Hey. How you doing?

- Better now.
- Yeah? What happened?

- You know Sue Ellen Mischke?
- Sue Ellen Mischke?

Yeah, the woman I grew up with
in Maryland.

- She moved here last year.
- Sounds familiar.

The heiress to the
Oh Henry! candy-bar fortune?

- You mentioned her.
- Yes. I ran into her today.

This woman has never, not once ever,
as long as I have known her...

worn a bra.

- That is shameless.
- Well, she's disgusting. She's a pig.

- There's no reason. That's wrong.
- The woman's a pig.

- It's rude.
- All right. There's no point.

- Come on. Come on. We're sorry.
- We're only kidding.

You don't understand.
See, she hasn't changed at all.

She stole my boyfriend
when I was in high school.

I was at this party, and I was
dating this really cute guy.

His name was
Tom Cosley, by the way.

And she goes walking by
in this little floozy outfit...

and he follows her
right out the door.

She's your Lex Luthor.

Her birthday's coming up, see?
So I decided to get her a little present.

- What are you gonna get her?
- A very traditional...

a very supportive...


- There's nothing subtle about that.
- No, no, she might just think it's a gift.

Have I ever bought you
a jockstrap as a gift?


What are you doing here?
Aren't you supposed to be at work?

I'm thinking of leaving town
with Susan for a few days.

Her parents rebuilt the cabin.

So you're just taking off from work?

Yeah, well, they won't know.
I got the car there.

Is this a good idea, with you being
on the verge of this big promotion?

My presence in that office
can only hurt my chances.

Sue Ellen Mischke to see you.

Sue Ellen Mischke?

All right. Send her in.

Hi, Elaine.


I was in the neighbourhood...

so I thought I'd stop in
and thank you for your lovely gift.

Oh, you're welcome.

Is anything wrong?

Well, Sue Ellen, it's....

It's not a top.

It's a bra.

Oh, I know.

Thanks again.

This is the life, isn't it, huh, kid?

- You wanna check out a swap meet?
- Yeah, maybe.

- Where'd you get that?
- It was on the windshield...

when we came out
of that rest stop.

- Hello.
- Hey, hey, it's George.

- I need a favour.
- What's going on?

I just remembered. There's a
restaurant near Yankee stadium...

- that puts fliers on all the cars.
- Yeah, so?

This is what you gotta do. Go to the
parking lot, take the fliers off my car.

Last time you had me throwing
bread up three floors to you.

Now you want me
to go to the Bronx...

take fliers off your car.
Where does it end?

All right, fine. I'll drive the three hours
each way and take them off myself.

All right. I'll do it.

- Hey, what are you up to?
- Nothing.

You wanna go to the Bronx
and see if there's fliers...

- on George's car?
- Sure.

- I could have said just about anything.
- Yeah.

Oh, man, look at this mess.

You know what will happen
if they see this?

What are we gonna do?

- I don't know.
- Well, we gotta get it washed.

Oh, the keys are locked inside.

Wait a second.

- What are you gonna do?
- I'll just snag the lock with this.

There we go.

This is quite a life I lead here.

- George has to be happy about this.
- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God, Kramer,
is that woman just wearing a bra?

Oh, mama.


My God, are you okay?

I got a cut on my head
and I banged my shoulder.

I guess I have to bring his car back up
to the stadium. If it can make it.

- So how did this happen?
- He was staring at some woman.

Well, I couldn't help it.
You saw what she was wearing.

- What woman?
- There was a beautiful woman...

walking down the street
wearing just a bra.

I can't get that image
out of my mind.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- Was it a tall woman in a black blazer?
- Yeah.

- That's Sue Ellen Mischke.
- Sue Ellen Mischke?

That's the bra I gave her.
She's wearing it as a top.

A woman is walking around in broad
daylight with nothing but a bra on.

She's a menace to society.

Hey, you know, my arm really hurts.

I wonder if it's gonna affect
my golf swing.

I got your message.
How's the shoulder?

- It's my left arm. I can't swing it.
- Oh, no, not the left arm!

What happens if I can't play
like I was?

What about the tour
and all my dreams?

I got it!

Let's sue her.

- Sue her?
- Yeah, she's loaded.

She's the heiress to the
Oh Henry! candy-bar fortune.

I can't. I learned my lesson
from that coffee company.

Kramer, listen to me.

Listen. This is
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Your dreams have been shattered.

Somebody's gotta be
held accountable.

Come on. We'll take her
for every penny she's got.

What do you think, Stan?

Let's go for the green.

You know a good lawyer?

So you're driving in the car.

You're with your friend,
minding your own business.

- Then what happened?
- We saw this woman...

and she was wearing a bra
with no top.

No top? She didn't have a top on?

Yeah, so I got distracted
and I crashed the car.

How would you describe
this woman?

Would you say she was attractive?

- Oh, yeah.
- So we got an attractive woman...

wearing a bra, no top,
walking around in broad daylight.

She's flouting society's conventions.

- She was flouting.
- That's totally inappropriate.

It's lewd, lascivious, salacious,

It was outrageous.

And she's the heir to
the Oh Henry! candy-bar fortune.

Could you repeat that?

I said, she's the heir to
the Oh Henry! candy-bar fortune.

Oh Henry!?

That's one of our
top-selling candy bars.

It's got chocolate, peanuts, nougat.

It's delicious, scrumptious,

- Have you been to a doctor?
- No.

Suzy, call Dr. Bison.
Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer.

Tell him it's for me.

So, what do you think, Jackie?
I mean, we got a case?

Like taking candy from a baby.

I think I got it. How about this?

We trade Jim Leyritz
and Bernie Williams...

for Barry Bonds.
What do you think?

Then I have Griffey and
Bonds in the same outfield.

Now you got a team.

I don't know, George.
I'm still worried about this car thing.

- Would you stop worrying?
- Well, what about the fliers?

Jerry took the fliers off the car.
I got the whole thing covered.

Come in.

- Wilhelm.
- Mr. Steinbrenner...

I am very concerned about
George Costanza.

- How about a "good morning"?
- Yes, sir. Good morning, sir.

Good morning, Wilhelm.

Anyway, his car is in the parking lot,
the front end is bashed in...

and there's blood in the car,
and we can't find him anywhere.

Obviously, he was in some sort of
a terrible car accident...

and trouper that he is,
he tried to make it into work, sir.

Wilhelm, listen to me.
I want the stadium scoured.

He could be bleeding in the bullpen.

Everyone on alert.
Check hospitals, clinics, shelters.

- We've gotta find that kid.
- Yes, sir.

- We must find George.
- Yes, sir.

- Find him, Wilhelm.
- Yes, sir.

Excuse me. Do you know
the gentleman across the hall?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Do you know if he'll
be back anytime soon?

No, I don't.

Is there something
I can help you with?

No, I really just needed
to speak with him.

Well, you can wait for him in here
if you like.

Well, maybe I will.

- If you don't mind.
- No, no, not at all.

- Thanks.
- I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

What is with these people?
All day long. Come in. Come in.

Mr. Steinbrenner, you know,
we've searched everywhere.

There's no sign of him.

Not even anyone who
remotely fits his description, sir.

Oh, my God.

- Do you know what this means?
- What, sir?

He's dead. Costanza's dead.

- No, no, sir. You see...
- As quickly as he came, he's gone.

The poor little guy.

Easy, Big Stein, get it together.

- Okay, Wilhelm.
- Yes, sir.

Find out where his parents live.
I'm gonna personally notify them.

And line up some candidates
to fill that assistant position.

- Yes, sir.
- We can't grieve forever.

Gotta get back to business.

- Back to business, Wilhelm.
- Yes, sir.

Well, buddy, he's taking the case.

Jackie Chiles is right on it.
Right on it. He's all over it.

- Oh, really?
- Why? What's wrong? Come on.

I don't know. So the woman was
walking around in a bra.

I mean, it's no big deal.
You're still driving.

You should have been
watching the road.

Well, your attitude
has certainly changed.

I don't think it's changed.

Listen, I'm gonna need you
to testify.

- I don't know if I can.
- Jerry, you gotta testify.

- Kramer, I don't think l...
- Listen.

This is a million dollars we're talking
about, Jerry. This is the big league.

- I need you on my team, Jerry.
- Well, I'm not sure how I feel about it.

All right, what's gotten into you?
What's happened?

Nothing's happened.

What's this?

- No, wait a second. Wait a second.
- Oh, I see. Yes.

Little Miss Candy Bar
paid a visit, didn't she?

- Kramer, it is not what you think.
- I know what I think.

I think you're gaga over this dame.

She's twisted you around
her little finger...

and now you're willing to sell
me and Elaine...

and whoever else you have to
right down the river.

And what about you?

Trying to bilk an innocent bystander
out of a family fortune...

built on sweat and toil manufacturing
quality Oh Henry! candy bars...

- for honest, hardworking Americans.
- You're just out for sex!

You're just out for money!

- Mrs. Costanza?
- Yes.

My name is George Steinbrenner.

I'm afraid I have some very sad news
about your son.

I can't believe it. He was so young.
How could this have happened?

He'd been logging heavy hours.

First one in, last one to leave.
The kid was a human dynamo.

Are you sure you're talking
about George?

You are Mr. and Mrs. Costanza?

What the hell did you
trade Jay Buhner for?

He had 30 home runs
and over 100 RBls last year.

He's got a rocket for an arm.

You don't know what the hell
you're doing!

Buhner was a good prospect.
No question about it.

But my baseball people
loved Ken Phelps' bat.

They kept saying, "Ken Phelps."

I'm not here. Leave a message.

Jerry, it's Frank Costanza.

Mr. Steinbrenner's here.
George is dead. Call me back.

- Hello?
- Hey, it's George.

- Where have you been?
- What?

I just got a bizarre message
from your father.

Steinbrenner's at your house.
They think you're dead.

- Dead?
- And we had an accident with the car.

It's a little crumpled.

- My car's a little crumpled?
- Yeah, yeah.

I didn't know what to do,
so I put it back at the stadium.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

They saw the car and the blood, that's
why Steinbrenner thinks you're dead.

I gotta head back right away.
I gotta figure something out here.

- You gotta call your parents.
- I can't. Steinbrenner might be there.

Aren't you gonna tell your parents
you're still alive?

They could use the break.

Elaine, do you see this?

Do you see what I'm holding
in my hands?

Yeah, it's a bra.

I saw a woman in our hallway
wearing one of these as a top.

What exquisite beauty.

I ran down the hallway
to talk to her...

but the elevator door closed.
It was not to be.

Perhaps our paths
will cross again someday.

What is this all about?

I want to market this item as
a new direction in women's fashion.

We're gonna sell this as a top.

Here's the angle. Zelda Fitzgerald...

somebody of the '20s...

wearing this at wild parties,
driving all the men crazy.

Have it on my desk
by the end of the week.

Come in. Come in.

Mr. Steinbrenner.

Is it you?

Yeah, it's me, sir.

It's been a harrowing few days.

After the car accident,
I crawled into a ditch.

I managed to survive...

on grubs and puddle water until a
kindly old gentleman picked me up.

Grubs, huh? Gotta admit,
I never tasted one of those.

Anyway, as I was lying
in the puddle...

I think I may have found a way
for us to get Bonds and Griffey...

and we wouldn't
give up that much.

Don't tell it to me. Tell it to the
new assistant to the general manager.

I didn't get the job?

You were dead. We couldn't sit on
our hands. We had to make a move.

But you still have your old job.

Of course we'll have to
dock the time you missed.

We're running a ball club.

If I give special treatment to you,
everyone will want it. Next, it's chaos.

And I can tell you this; Chaos does
not work for the New York Yankees.

Not as long
as I'm running the show!

So it was the meeting on the street
that prompted you to buy the bra.

- Would you say that was correct?
- Yes.

Yes. That's correct.

And you have also brought with you
another bra...

exactly like the one that she
so flagrantly exhibited herself in?

Yes, that's correct.

What was your golf score
the last round you played...

- before your shoulder was injured?
- Three under par.

Three under par.

That's what the professionals shoot,
isn't it?

Well, if they're lucky.

Would you tell this jury...

exactly what you saw at the corner
of 83rd Street and Columbus?

I don't remember.

Did you or did you not see
the defendant wearing the bra?

I don't know. Maybe.

Mr. Seinfeld, I might remind you
that you are under oath.

Now, I ask you again.

Did you or did you not
see this woman wearing a bra?

All right, I saw her. I saw her.

And she was beautiful in that bra.
I'm crazy about her.

I love her whole free-swinging,
freewheeling attitude.

This court will come to order.

- No further questions, Your Honour.
- You may step down.

Well, Kramer,
I think we got this wrapped up.

Yeah, yeah.

What's your read, Stan?

You're close. You're on the green.

You just have to go for the cup.

- What do you mean?
- Have her try on the bra.

- See if it fits.
- No, no, no, no.

Do it, Jackie. Stan's the man.

- Stan? Who the hell is Stan?
- He's my caddy.

Your caddy? This is a big mistake.

Your Honour...

we request at this time
that Miss Mischke try on the bra.

This court will come to order.

Go ahead, Miss Mischke, try it on.

It doesn't fit. I can't put it on.

You damn fools! Look at that.
We got nothing now. Nothing.

I've been practicing law for 25 years,
you're listening to a caddy.

This is a public humiliation.

You can't let the defendant
control the key piece of evidence.

Plus, she's trying it on over a leotard.
Of course it won't fit over a leotard.

A bra's gotta fit right up against
a person's skin. Like a glove!

Hey, Elaine. How about some lunch?

No, I don't think so.

Great job on the Gatsby Swing Top.
It's a winner.

Yeah. Yeah, thanks.

Sure you don't wanna go?
We have reservations.

Oh, I don't think you'll have
any trouble getting a table.

- Ciao.
- Bye-bye.