Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 13 - The Seven - full transcript

George meets Susan's cousins. The wife is expecting a baby and they are having a hard time agreeing on the name. George reveals that he wants to name his kid Seven after Mickey Mantle. The cousins like the idea of naming their kid Seven, but nobody else does. Elaine buys an antique bicycle and hurts her neck in the process. Kramer fixes her neck and wants the bicycle in exchange for payment. Jerry's new girlfriend wears the same dress every single day.

I love it when people are complimented
on something that they are wearing...

And they accept the compliment
as if it was about them.

Nice tie. Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

The compliment is for the tie.
It's not for you. But we take it.

And that's the job of clothes.
To get compliments for us.

Because it's very hard
to get compliments...

based on your human qualities.
Right? Let's face it.

No matter how nice you are,
nobody is gonna say;

"Hey, nice person."

It's much easier to be a bastard and
just try and match the colours up.

Oh, look at this.

Boy. Oh, I miss the days when
they made toys that could kill a kid.

Oh, cool. Look at that.

Yeah, I'm right there with you.

That is a Schwinn Sting-Ray.
And it's the girls' model.

Oh, I always wanted one
of these when I was little.

What do you think, Jerry?

Jerry. What do you think?

Oh, yeah, it would be great
for your paper route.

I love it. I'm getting it.

Can you help me get it down, Jerr?

- Your friend needs some help.
- The only way to really help her...

is to just let her be.


- A little baby girl?
- Doctor says it could be any day now.

So, Carrie, you and Susan
are cousins.

So your baby daughter is gonna be
Susan's second cousin, right?

- So, what does that make me?
- it doesn't make you anything.

Well, so, legally, I could
marry your daughter.

So have you picked out a name yet?

Well, we've narrowed
it down to a few.

We like Kimberly.

Oh, boy.

You don't like Kimberly?

- What else you got?
- How about Joan?

- Come on, I'm eating here.
- George.

- Pamela?
- Pamela?

All right. I'll tell you what.

You look like nice people.
I'm gonna help you out.

You want a beautiful name? Soda.

- What?
- Soda.

S-O-D-A. Soda.

I don't know.
It sounds a little strange.

All names sound strange
the first time you hear them.

Are you telling me people
loved the name Blanche...

the first time they heard it?

- Yeah, but Soda?
- Yeah, that's right.

- It's working.
- We'll put it on the list.

I solve problems.
That's just what I do.

Yeah, let's look at that boy.

That's good.

You're going to town with that turkey.

Oh, yeah. I got a big appetite.

Oh, Jerry. You got no mustard.

- It's on the door.
- What, this yellow stuff?

No, I said, mustard, Jerry. Dijon.

I still wanna do it.


That's bush league. No.

Hey, wait. You're just gonna
leave it there?

- It's half a pound of turkey.
- I can't eat that.

You can't eat a sandwich
without Dijon.

Yeah, you're right. I really should keep
more of your favourites on hand.

Hey, hey, hey.
I'm getting a vibe here.

What, are you unhappy
with our arrangement?

What arrangement?

I was under the impression that
I could take anything I wanted...

from your fridge. You take
whatever from mine.

Let me know when you get
something in there, and I will.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

Hey. What's with your neck?

It's still killing me from having
to get that bike off the wall...

by myself.

Well, if it's any consolation,
I did get her number.

I think I really strained it.

Oh, I doubt you strained it.
Maybe you pulled it.

- Maybe.
- Did you twist it?

- You could have twisted it?
- I don't know.

Did you wrench it?
Did you jam it?

- Maybe you squeezed it and turned it?
- Why don't you...

- just shut the hell up.
- All right.

God, man, this is killing me.

I would give that bike to the person
who could make this pain go away.

- You're really hurting, huh?
- Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.

Well, you're arterioles
have constricted.

All right, lean forward. Relax.

- What? What?
- Encounter shiatsu.

Wait a minute. You know
what you're doing?

Oh, yeah. A wise man once
taught me the healing power...

of the body's
natural pressure points.

He sells T-shirts near
the World Trade Center.

He's a genius.

Here we go. Here we go.

All right, from pain
will come pleasure.


- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

Wow, that is unbelievable.

That pain is totally gone.

What's even more amazing is
his formal training is in paediatrics.

All right. My work is done here.

Oh, man. Kramer, thank you.

- You can send that bike over any time.
- What?

- What is he talking about?
- I don't know.

You said you'd give the bike
to whoever fixes your neck.

- You really think he wants the bike?
- Oh, yeah.

But it took him like 10 seconds.

Well, that's the most he's
worked in the last four months.

- I think they really went for that Soda.
- What are you, crazy?

They hated it.
They were just humouring you.

All right. Very good.
Believe me.

- That kid's going to be called Soda.
- I can tell you...

I would never name my child Soda.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, of course not.

I got a great name for our kids,
a real original.

You wanna hear what it is?
Are you ready?


- What is that, sign language?
- No.


Seven Costanza. You're serious?

Yeah, it's a beautiful name
for a boy or a girl.

- Especially a girl. Or a boy.
- I don't think so.

- What, you don't like the name?
- It's not a name. It's a number.

I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number.

So not only is it
an all-around beautiful name...

- it is also a living tribute.
- It's awful. I hate it.

- Well, that's the name.
- Oh, no it is not.

No child of mine is ever going
to be named Seven.

All right. Let's just
stay calm here.

Don't get all crazy on me.

Seven? Yeah, I guess
I could see it.

Seven. Seven periods of school.
Seven beatings a day.

Roughly seven stitches a beating,
and, eventually, seven years to life.

You're doing that child
quite a service.

Yes, I am.

I defy you to come up
with a better name than Seven.

All right. Let's see.

How about Mug?

Mug Costanza.

That's original.

- Ketchup. Pretty name for a girl.
- Right. You having a good time?

I got 50 right here in the cupboard.
How about Bisquick?

Pimento? Gherkin? Sauce?

- Maxwell House?
- All right, already.

This is a very key issue with me,

I had this name for a long time.

Oh, I forgot to call Christie.

That's the one you met in the store?

She had this great black and white
dress with a scoop neck.

She looked like some
kind of superhero.

And you met her in an antique store.
I don't know how you do it.

I'm not engaged.

- I got it.
- Got what?

I got the answer, Jerry.
Refrigerator problem is solved.

Oh, it's no problem.
You can take whatever you want.

I will. But now I'm accountable.

All right, I take what I want. Here.

And I write it down.

One cupcake.

And then I put it in the bowl.

There. Very simple.

- Sort of a mooching inventory.
- No, not mooching.

Because at the end of the week
you add them.

- And you give me the bill.
- All right.

Look, I gotta run some errands.

When Elaine comes by with that bike,
hang on to it for me.

Kramer, I don't know
if you're getting that bike.

Oh, yes, I am.
We had a verbal contract.

If we can't take each other
at our word, all is lost.

Oh, yeah, yeah, put that on my tab.

Well, this is it.
The food is atrocious.

But the busboys
are the best in the city.

- May I take your coat, miss?
- Yes, thank you.

- The same outfit?
- The exact same outfit.

- How many days between encounters?
- Three.

Three days. Well, maybe you caught
her on the cusp of a new wash cycle.

You know, she did laundry
the day after she met you.

Everything got clean.
She started all over again.

Possibly. But then shouldn't the outfit
only reappear at the end of the cycle?

Maybe she moved it up
in the rotation.

Why? It's our first date.
She's already in reruns.

- Very curious.
- Indeed.

Einstein wore the exact same outfit
every day.

Well, if she splits the atom,
I'll let it slide.

- All right. I'm heading home.
- Did Susan change her mind...

- about the name?
- Not yet, but she's weakening.

Just because your life is destroyed...

don't destroy someone else's.

It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry.
My idol.

- How about Mickey?
- Mickey?


- ls this your half a can of soda?
- Nope, that's yours.

My half is gone.

- What?
- Yeah.

I put my half a can here in the tab.

- Why? What's your beef?
- You cannot buy half a can of soda.

- Well, why not?
- I don't wanna get into the physics of it.

But you know the sound
a can makes when you open it?

- Yeah.
- That is the sound...

of you buying a whole can.

And the same goes for this.

When you pierce the skin of a piece
of fruit, you've bought the whole fruit.

Not a third of an apple.
Not a half of a banana.

- All right.
- You bite it, you bought it.

All right. I'll make
the necessary adjustments.

- All right.
- Thank you.

Oh, so how's the neck?

Nice and loose?

Lookit, Kramer, you are
not getting this bike.

I don't even know why you want it.
I mean, it's a girls' bike.

It's a verbal contract.
We had a deal.

No, we didn't.

You take these things too literally.

It's like saying you're hungry
enough to eat horse.

Well my friend Jay Riemenschneider
eats horse all the time.

He gets it from his butcher.

This is not the point.

The point is,
you just can't have the bike.

Boy, I am really surprised at you.

You are the last person I figured
would do something like this.

I mean, George, yeah, I can see that.
Even Jerry.

But not you, Elaine.
I always put you up here.

They're over here.

Now you're all;

- All right.
- Yeah.

Come on. It's a fantastic name.

It's a real original. Nobody else is
gonna have it. And I absolutely love it.

Well, I don't know how original
it's gonna be.

- Why not?
- Well, I was telling Carrie...

about our argument. And when l
told them the name, they just loved it.

- So, what are you saying?
- They're naming their baby Seven.

What? They're stealing the name?

That's my name. I made it up.

I can't believe they're using it.

Now, it's not gonna be original.

It's gonna lose all its cachet.

I don't know how much
cachet it had to begin with.

Oh, it's got cachet, baby.

It's got cachet up the ying-yang.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.


Watch your step.

Oh, stupid Kramer.

Excuse me, Elaine.

Over here.

I thought that was you.
You're Jerry's friend.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Christie?
- Yes, how you doing?

I'm fine.

Well, I gotta run.
It was good to see you.

Okay. It was good to....

Good to see you.

- Looking good.
- Hey, Cosmo.

- Nice wheels.
- You got that right.

- Hey, you're riding a girls' bike.
- Kramer.


- Hello.
- Hello, Ken.

It's George Costanza.

I think we need to talk.


- Kramer!
- Hey.

God. Is Kramer back
from his little joyride yet?

- Haven't seen him. How's the neck?
- His chiropractic job was a crock.

I mean, it's even worse
than it was before.

I'd think Kramer
would have a knack...

for moving a person's spine

Hey, you know what?

I think I ran into that girl
from the antique store.

- What's her name, Christie?
- You saw her? What was she wearing?

I don't know. I couldn't see.
I couldn't look down...

- because of my neck.
- Didn't you get a glimpse?

- An impression?
- What do you care?

Both times I've seen her,
she's worn the same dress.

- Did you have a nice ride?
- Oh, great ride.

Oh, that's good,
because it was your last.

What are you talking about?
We had a deal.

You gotta give me back that bike.
Look at this! Look!

I couldn't even crawl
out of bed this morning.

Bed? You should be sleeping on
a wooden board for at least a week.

- What? You never told me that.
- Well, it's common sense.

What is he talking about?
He's being ridiculous.

Look, Jerry, you know
the whole story.

- You should settle this.
- Yeah.

I'm flattered you'd
appeal to my wisdom.

But, unfortunately,
my friendship to each of you...

precludes my getting involved.

What you need is
an impartial mediator.

Yeah, I'd go for that.
Would you go for that?

All right, I'm down.

It would have to be someone
who hasn't heard the story.

Someone who is unencumbered
by any emotional attachment.

Someone whose heart is so dark...

it cannot be swayed by pity, emotion
or human compassion of any kind.

So that's the situation.

You present an interesting dilemma.

Each of you seemingly
has a legitimate claim to the bicycle.

And yet the bicycle can have
only one rightful owner.

Quite the conundrum.

As a federal employee,
I believe the law is all we have.

It's all that separates us
from the savages...

who don't deserve
the privilege of mail.

Stuffing parcels in mailboxes,
where they don't belong.


But you must promise
that you will abide by my decision...

no matter how unjust
it may seem to either of you.

Do I have your word?

- All right, yeah.
- Yeah.

All right. Let's begin.

My cocoa.

Why can't we use Seven?

It's my name. I made it up.
You can't just steal it.

Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant.

You already postponed the wedding.
Who knows if you'll get married.

Hey, hey, don't worry about me.
I'm not a waffler. I don't waffle.

Look, we're both big
Mickey Mantle fans.

And we love the name.
It's very unusual.

What happened to Soda?
I thought we all agreed on Soda.

- We don't care for Soda.
- You don't care for Soda?

No, no. We don't like Soda at all.

How do you not like Soda?
It's bubbly. It's refreshing.

- What is it?
- I felt something.

- Are you okay?
- I'm going into labour.

Oh, God. Okay, let's not panic.
Let's just get to the hospital.

- Okay.
- I got the suitcase packed right here.

- Let's go.
- What about Six?

Nine? Thirteen?
Thirteen is no good.

Fourteen. Fourteen.

Are you okay, Jerry?
You seem quiet.

No, I'm just a little worn-out.

- I know exactly what you mean.
- Oh, I'm sure you do.

What in God's name
is going on here?

Is she wearing the same thing
over and over again?

Or does she have a closet full
of these like Superman?

I've got to unlock this mystery.

Oh, my God.

I can't go to the movies like this.

Do you mind if we go back
to my apartment so I can change?

Change? Yes, I think
that's a super idea.

- Are we almost there?
- Just keep breathing, okay?

- Okay, okay.
- Okay.

You know, the thing is, I kind
of promised the widow Mantle...

that I would name my baby Seven.

Now's not the best time, George.

It's just that I know her.
And, boy...

George, she's in labour.

So am l.

Well, you both presented
very convincing arguments.

On the one hand, Elaine...

your promise was given in haste.

But was it not still a promise?

And, Kramer, you did provide a
service in exchange for compensation.

But does the fee, once paid,
not entitle the buyer...

to some assurance
of reliability?

These were not easy questions
to answer.

Not for any man.

But I have made a decision.

We will cut the bike
down the middle...

and give half to each of you.

What? This is your solution?

To ruin the bike?

All right. Fine, fine. Go ahead.

- Cut the stupid thing in half.
- No, no, no. Give it to her.

I'd rather it belong to another
than see it destroyed.

Newman, give it to her.
I beg you.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Not so fast, Elaine.

Only the bike's true owner...

would rather give it away
than see it come to harm.

- Kramer, the bike is yours.
- What?

Sweet justice.
Newman, you are wise.

But this isn't fair.

Lookit, my neck is still hurting me.
And now you have the bike?

Well, tell it to the judge, honey.

I'm going for a ride.

Here we are.

So this is the fortress of solitude.

Well, I guess I'll go change.

Yes, change. By all means, change.

August 17th, 1992.

The same dress.

She never changes. Oh, my God.

She's gotta have hundreds
of these dresses.

There must be a secret stash
around here somewhere.

- Are you looking for something?
- I thought you were changing.

You know, maybe we should
just call it a night.

No, no, no. Come on.
Put something else on.

It's early. Let's go out.

I think I'm just gonna go to bed.

You know, I'm kind of tired myself.
I'll just sleep here on the couch.

In the morning, we'll walk out together.
Both dressed, different clothes.

I'll be in the same clothes.

You'll be in different clothes,
as it's your place.

We'll go down. Me in my same
clothes, you in different clothes.

Jerry, I don't think so.

- Wanna throw something on,
walk me...

- to a cab?
- Get out.

Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow.
I'll help you lay it out on the bed.

- Okay, breathe, honey. Breathe.
- You're really being very selfish.

Be nice if you'd think
of someone other than yourself.

- I'm having a baby.
- You're not getting Seven.

- Now, get out of here.
- Please, I have so little.

- I'm sorry, sir. Family only.
- I'm family.

I'm having sex with the cousin.

Seven! Seven!

Hello, Christie. I was wondering
if we could get together again.

Oh, really?

You can't break up
with me over the phone.

You gotta do this in person.
It doesn't have to be one-on-one.

Bring a group of friends.
I just wanna see you.

Don't hang up on me. Why do you
always wear the same dress? Hello?

Jerry, if you're gonna be
snacking on these...

you can't expect me to pay
for the whole box.

All right, Hobo Joe.

I didn't wanna put a damper
on your smorgasbord.

But it's the end of the week,
so I added up your tab.

I know, pretty steep.

Well, I don't have this kind of cash.

- Few do.
- I'm good for it.

Yeah, well, until this bill is paid,
the food court is closed.

Closed? All right.

I'll get that money for you in five
minutes. And don't eat any more.

Hey, that's my bike.

- Gangway.
- This is my bike.

Oh, no. No, no, no.
I bought it from Kramer.

He was hard up for cash.

Fifty bucks. Can you believe it?

I had to make some
minor modifications.

Solid tires, reinforced seat post...

heavy-duty shocks.
But, baby, this is one sweet ride.

No, you gotta give me back that bike.
Newman, give it.

Elaine, Elaine.
Help me. Help me.

Help. Help. Help.