Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 7, Episode 11 - The Rye - full transcript

George is nervous about an upcoming dinner he and his parents are having with Susan and her parents and with good reason. They don't exactly hit it off and Frank Costanza so upset at the end of it all that he takes back the loaf of rye bread they had brought as a gift. George is intent on returning it leading Jerry to have an interesting encounter with an old woman who buys the last loaf of rye at the bakery. Elaine has a new musician boyfriend but Jerry may ruin the relationship when he describes it as hot and heavy. Kramer gets the use of a neighbor's hansom cab and begins giving guided tours of New York.

I can't believe
I'm going out with this guy.

He's so cool.

Maybe he'll write a song about me.
That would be amazing.

"Oh, Elaine, you are so beautiful.

So, so beautiful.

Not to mention your personality,
which is so, so interesting.

If you want, you can quit your job
and never work again."

Jerry, you have got to come see him.
He is so terrific.

- Maybe he'll write a song about you.
- Yeah, right.

Like that really matters.

So I take it he's sponge-worthy.

Oh, yeah.

He's a musician.
They're supposed to be very...

you know, uninhibited and free.

Well, actually, he's not that way at all.

- Oh, no?
- Yeah, in fact...

Come on.

- Come on.
- I don't wanna.

Elaine, you're among friends.

Well, actually,
he doesn't really like to do...



- It's surprising.
- Yes, it is. It is surprising.

- Does that bother you?
- No. No, it doesn't bother me.

I mean, it would be nice.

I'm not gonna lie to you
and say it wouldn't be nice.

- Sure. Why not? You're there.
- Exactly.

You said he was coming out
of a serious relationship.

Maybe he's, you know,
still kind of.... He's....

It's not gonna happen.

Hey, Jerry. Listen, I need you
to help me get my stuff out of the car.

- What stuff?
- I just came from the Price Club.

- I'm loaded up, baby.
- All right.

What, are you out of your mind?

Look at this.
What did you buy here?

You will never be able
to finish all this stuff.

Of course I will.
These are all staples.

A 4-pound can of black olives,
that's a staple?

Lindsay olives, Jerry.

A 48-pack of Eggo waffles.
A gallon of barbecue sauce.

- Ten pounds of cocktail meatballs.
- $17.50. You can't beat that.

- Look at this can of tuna.
- Yeah, StarKist, Jerry.

- Most tuna don't make their cut.
- This isn't for a person.

It's for Biosphere 3.

- Hey, Clyde.
- Hey, Kramer.

- What's happening, dude?
- Yeah. Hey, this is Jerry.

- How you doing?
- Hi.

He plays backup
with John Germaine.

John Germaine?

That's amazing. I was just
talking about him with Elaine.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

My friend Elaine and him
are going out.

- They're pretty hot-and-heavy.
- Is that right?

How about giving me a hand,
bring some of this stuff up?

Sorry, Kramer.
I got to watch the hands.

My hands are my life.

Georgie, can you zip me up?


- Yeah, one second.
- Well, come on.

All right. All right.
Let's not get into panic mode!

Let's not make a big deal out of this,
or we'll never get through it.

Well, I'm meeting your in-laws.
I think I should look nice.

- My in-laws. Oh, my God.
- So, what do you think?

Your old man can look good
when he wants to, huh?

- I don't like that tie.
- What's wrong with this tie?

- I've hardly worn it.
- It's too thin.

They're wearing wide now.

How do you know
what kind of ties they wear?

Go to any office building
on Seventh Avenue...

and tell me if there's anyone there
wearing a thin tie like that.

- Go ahead.
- Oh, get the hell out of here.

Seventh Avenue?

George, do you think
he should wear a tie like that?

I think he should wear
whatever tie he wants.

We gotta stop off and pick up
a marble rye from Schnitzer's.

It's out of our way.

Why can't we pick up something
at Lords? It's right over here.

No, we have to go to Schnitzer's.

I'll show these people
something about taste.

This is gonna be fun.

Hey, you'll never guess who
I bumped into. This guy Clyde...

he's in your friend
John Germaine's band there.

- What did he have to say?
- Nothing.

I told him you two
were pretty hot-and-heavy.


- You said "hot-and-heavy"?
- Yeah.

What did you do that for?

- What?
- What if he tells John?

Then John's gonna think that
I think that we're hot-and-heavy.

I don't want John thinking I'm
hot-and-heavy if he's not.

I'm trying to get a little squirrel
to come over to me here.

I don't wanna make any
big, sudden movements.

- I'll frighten him away.
- Well, Clyde might not tell him.

How do you know that?

I should have helped Kramer
with those packages.

- I'll give you a hand.
- Thanks.

Hey, Kramer, I wonder,
could you do me a favour?

I'm taking the family
to Disney World next week.

- I wonder, can you pick up my mail?
- Yeah, sure, sure.

In fact, you know what, how'd you
like my hansom-cab for the week?

- Drive the horse?
- It'll just be sitting there.

You can really clean up.
Five hundred bucks a day.

I'll split it with you.


This is delicious, Mrs. Ross.

Why are you complimenting her?
She didn't make it. Rowena did.

- What is this thing anyway?
- It's Cornish game hen.

- What is that, like a little chicken?
- No, it's not a little chicken.

- "Little chicken." No, it's a game bird.
- Game bird?

- What do you mean, like, you hunt it?
- Yes.

How hard can it be to kill this thing?

I couldn't help but notice,
but you have quite a library in there.

If I had a dime for every book
he's actually read...

I'd be broke.

- More wine, anyone?
- Yeah, I'll take more. Thank you.

- How do you like the merlot?
- Merlot? I never heard of it.

- Did they just invent it?
- Oh, brother.

She's heard of the merlot.

Let me understand.

You got the hen, the chicken
and the rooster.

The rooster goes with the chicken.

So who's having sex with the hen?

- We'll talk about it another time.
- But you see my point here?

You only hear of a hen,
a rooster and a chicken.

- Something's missing!
- Something's missing, all right.

They're all chickens.

The rooster has sex with all of them.

- That's perverse.
- So has anybody seen Firestorm?

Firestorm, that's a hell of a picture.

Remember when they had
the helicopter land on top of that car?

Hey! I haven't seen it yet.

- It has nothing to do with the plot!
- Still, I like to go in fresh!

Oh, Mother of God.

And of course, this is Central Park.

This was designed in 1850
by Joe Pepitone...

built during the Civil War
so the Northern armies...

could practice fighting on grass.

Oh, yeah.

On, Rusty.

Thank you. Now I'd like to play
something that...

Well, actually, it's my latest,
so it's nice and fresh...

called "Hot-and-Heavy."

Thank God that's over.

The mother seems to hit the sauce
pretty hard. I didn't like that.

And who doesn't serve cake
after a meal?

What kind of people?

Would it kill them to put out
a pound cake? Something.

So they didn't give you
a piece of cake. Big deal.

It is a big deal. You're supposed
to serve cake after a meal.

I'm sorry, it's impolite.

It's not impolite. It's stupid,
that's what it is.

- You gotta be stupid to do that.
- Your father is absolutely right.

We're sitting there like idiots...

drinking coffee
without a piece of cake.

What is this?

The marble rye?

Oh, dear, I forgot to put out
that bread they brought.

- We forgot to bring it in.
- No, I brought it in.

They never put it out.

- Where is it?
- I don't know. Where'd you put it?

- Right over there.
- Well, it's gone.

You stole the bread?

What do you mean?
It's my bread. They didn't eat it.

- Why should I leave it there?
- Because we brought it for them.

Apparently it wasn't good enough
for them to serve.

Is it possible they took it back?

Who would bring a bread
and take it back?

Those people, that's who.
I think they're sick.

- People take buses to get that rye.
- Maybe they forgot to put it out.

No, they didn't forget to put it out.
It's deliberate.

Deliberate, I tell you!

- He stole back the rye?
- Yeah.

- Why?
- Why? Why?

Because he's off his rocker,
that's why.

- So do the Rosses know?
- They're all very suspicious.

Why wouldn't they be?
Rye bread doesn't just disappear.

Now because of that rye, I gotta keep
them separated for the rest of my life.

Bad situation.

I tell you what I'd like to do.
I'd like to replace that rye.

- What do you mean, replace it?
- You know, go out, get another rye.

Of course, it would have to be
the same one from Schnitzer's.

You put it in the kitchen somewhere
and say, "Oh, there it is."

Well, there you go.
What's so hard about that?

What's so hard about that?
I can't just walk in with it.

- I have to get the Rosses out of there.
- All right. Don't panic.

Let's just think about it.

The Rosses out of the apartment.
Can't be so hard.

Wait a minute. Wait a second.
Wait a second.

You know, Kramer's
been driving that hansom-cab.

- So?
- He'll take them around for a while.

And it's their anniversary
Friday night.

I can send them
for a hansom-cab ride.

- You think they'd like that?
- People love it.

There's something about
the clip-clop. They're nuts for it.

So they go. When they
come back, the bread is there.

- What about Susan?
- She's working late.

We're suppose to have dinner at 8:00,
so I'll set up the rye for 7:00.

- Beautiful.
- You think Kramer will do it?

Of course I'll do it. I'd be happy to.

- So I gotta be there at 7?
- Just take them out...

- and ride around for half an hour.
- Sounds easy.

- What the hell are you doing there?
- That's Beef-a-Reeno.

And I got 50 cans.

- Well, do you want some?
- No. No, thanks.

Jerry, I think I bought too much
at that Price Club.

I don't have any room for it all.

Hold on. Wait a minute.

How am I gonna get the rye bread
into the apartment?

- Put it under your shirt.
- Have you seen a Schnitzer's rye?

- It's huge.
- I tell you what, I'll bring it over.

I'll stop by Schnitzer's,
I'll come by right after they leave.

Oh, well, this is all locking in now.
It is all locking in.

- Hey. Is that your horse outside?
- That's Rusty.

Why, he's outside?
Come on, I wanna see him.

- Let's go. I'll show you the horsie.
- Laney, wanna see the horsie?

You really did me in this time,
didn't you?

First guy I like in a really long time.
I mean, we're getting along...

everything is just...

great. I mean, all right,
so he doesn't do everything...

and then you have to come along
with your "hot" and your "heavy."

- So you think Clyde told him?
- He wrote a song about it.

- Well, maybe it's a good thing.
- No, it's not a good thing.

It's a bad thing.

Do you know what this is like, to have
no control over a relationship?

And you feel sick to your stomach
all the time?

- Do you know what that's like?
- No, no.

But I've read articles, and I must say,
it doesn't sound very pleasant.

You know, one of these days...

something terrible
is gonna happen to you.

- It has to.
- No, I'm gonna be just fine.

But as far as your situation,
you're seeing him tonight...

- so talk to him about it.
- I can't.

He's got a big showcase for record
producers at his late show tonight.

I don't wanna upset him.
Oh, what the hell, I'll upset him.

George, I gotta tell you,
this is a very nice gesture.

- We really appreciate it.
- Well, it's your anniversary.

It's the least I can do.

I just want you guys to go out
and have a good time.

So you think we should
get downstairs?

We got about 20 minutes.

You seem a little nervous, George.
Anything wrong?

Oh, no. No, no, no. Nothing.
I'm fine. Everything's fine. Fine.

Just get a little nervous
on the weekends, that's all.

- Could I get a glass of water?
- We've got water.

I don't think we have any bread,
but we've got water.

There you go, big fella.
That's Beef-a-Reeno.

I'm so keen-o On Beef-a-Reeno

What a delicious cuisine-o
Fit for a king and queen-o

Yeah, eat up.
I got 34 more cans.

Nice night for a
hansom-cab ride, eh, George?

You know, George,
we haven't done anything...

romantic like this in years.

Oh, my God. It's 7:01.

What have I done? My whole plan
is depending on Kramer?

Have I learned nothing?

How could I have made
such a stupid mistake?

He'll never show up.

There he is. Right on time,
as usual.

- Fifty-three.
- Fifty-three.

I'd like a marble rye.
No plastic. In a bag.

You're lucky, it's our last one.

Wait a second,
that's your last marble rye?

- That's right.
- There's none left?

That's what I said.

Number 54.

Excuse me.

I know this is gonna sound crazy,
but I have to have that rye.

It's a long story, but a person's
whole future may depend on it.

Well, I'm sorry, but you should've
got here earlier.

Yes, well, be that as it may...

if you could just find it
within yourself to give it up...

- You're not getting this rye.
- All right. All right.

I'll tell what I'm gonna do.

I will give you double
what you paid for it.

You're in my way.

Mr. Ross, Mrs. Ross,
my name is Cosmo...

and I'll be your driver this evening.

We have blankets for your comfort.
I also have hot chocolate...

- if the mood should strike you.
- My favourite.

Well, if we're all set to go,
why don't you two hop aboard...

and let me show you
a little taste of old New York...

the way it once was.

Happy anniversary.

On, Rusty!

All right. Look, I'll tell
you what, I'll give you $50.

Now, be reasonable. You cannot
turn down $50 for a $6 rye.

No? Watch me.

- Give me that rye.
- Stop it.

- I want that rye, lady.
- Help! Someone help!

- Shut up, you old bag.
- Stop, thief!

Stop him! Stop him,
he's got my marble rye.

I'm sorry to just show up
unexpectedly like this.

I know you've got your big
showcase coming up later.

I know how important it is. I know
how hard you've worked for this...

but I just had too tell you that
I never told Jerry "hot-and-heavy."

I didn't think we were hot-and-heavy.
I mean, who's hot and who's heavy?

Hold on, Elaine.

- I'm kind of disappointed.
- Disappointed?

Yeah, I mean...

I was excited
when Clyde told me that.

- You were?
- Absolutely.

I am so relieved.

Listen, I've still got a couple of hours
to kill before the next show.

My place is only a few blocks
from here.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And you know what,
I've been thinking about what we do...

and I'm thinking of...

adding a new number to my,
you know, repertoire.

What is that?

I think it's the horse.

Oh, my God.

How's everything?
You need anything?

This is really intolerable.

Excuse me.
What do you feed this animal?

Oh, you know, oats and hay.

Yeah, they like that stuff.

I can't take this.

Get me out of this thing!

Turn this thing around. We've had it.
We can't breathe back here.

- And hurry it up.
- Rusty!


What happened?
What are you doing back so soon?

- Ask Rusty.
- I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ross.

One never knows how the intestinal
workings of the equine will function.

Thanks for nothing. Come on,
George, let's go upstairs.

- What the hell happened?
- The horse is gassy.

- Must've been the Beef-a-Reeno.
- Beef-a-Reeno?

- You fed the horse Beef-a-Reeno?
- Well, I overbought.


What's going on? Where is he?

- He'll be here soon.
- I'll give him 10 minutes.

I'm not gonna stay here all night.

- How much did you give him?
- Just a can.

- He really liked it, though.
- Jerry, up here.

Yeah, what do you
want me to do with this?

I can't come out. They're
right by the door. Throw it.

- Really?
- Yeah, it's the only way. Come on.

What, are you kidding me?!

Can you get this horse
out of here? He's killing me.

- I don't wanna go back on there.
- Come on.

Hey, hey. Wait a second.

I got an idea.

No, no. Don't be silly, John.
You were very good.

You just don't have to try so hard.

Good luck, honey.

- Come on. Come on.
- Would you just wait a second.

I never baited a hook
with a rye before.

Your hook is too small.
This is for, like, a muffin.

All right, take it away.

Come on.

Yeah. Yeah.


Ladies and gentlemen,
John Germaine.