Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 22 - The Face Painter - full transcript

Jerry scores premium tickets to a New Jersey Devils playoff game. He invites Kramer, Puddy, and Elaine along. But Jerry gets weirded out when Puddy shows up at the game and paints his face ...

How about the little scam the airlines
have going now with these special clubs?

One hundred fifty dollars a year
to sit in a room...

eat peanuts, drink coffee and soda
and read magazines.

Excuse me, isn't this the flight?

I already got four hours of this
coming to me.

What am I paying for?

How about an
l-got-all-my-luggage club?

Can I get into that? Where's that club?
I would like to join that club.

Airlines love to divide us up
into classes, you know?

When you're sitting in coach...

they always have the stewardess
close that stupid curtain, you know?

They give you that look like:

"Maybe if you had worked
a little harder...."

What time does your flight get in?

Six? All right,
that gives us six hours.

Then I'll meet you
at the Diplomat's Club.

I'll be the one without
the big red sash.

Okay. See you tonight.

- Is that the supermodel?
- Yep.

She's not gonna be back
for a month, but I have six hours.

I thought you had a show in lthaca.

I do, but it's 3:00.
I'm flying right back.

Then I'm gonna meet Bridgette
at the Diplomat's Club.

Well, guess what I'm doing.

I'm going to Mr. Pitt's, and I am
telling him that I am quitting.

So that's it?

You know, I never even met the guy.

I've had enough. I am marching in.

- You're marching in?
- I'm marching.

- Hey. Hey.
- Hey, Elaine's quitting.

- Really?
- I'm marching in.

I've done the march in.
Best feeling.

- How about the march out?
- Not as good.

You realize all the money
you're losing.

Oh, boy. Okay, that's it.

- Wish me luck.
- Yeah.

Get a march going.

March it.

- Jerry, I need to borrow your camera.
- Why?

Well, I wanna put a picture of me
and my boss up in the office.

What for?

Well, he's reorganizing
the whole staff...

and I'm on thin ice
with this guy as it is.

Isn't putting his picture on your desk
a little transparent?

It better be.

- Mr. Pitt, I have something to tell you.
- One second, Elaine.

- Mr. Pitt...
- Elaine.

Do you know what I just did?

I just amended my will
to include you as a beneficiary.


Well, I think of you
as part of my family.

You've come to be like
a daughter to me.

I want to make sure that you're
taken care of after I'm gone.

Mr. Pitt.

I feel a cold coming on.
Could you get me a cold pill?

Oh, no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't.

You have to check before you combine
anything with your heart medicine.

Yes, yes. I'll check with
the pharmacist.

We don't want anything
to happen to you, Mr. Pitt.

We want you to live
a long, long time.

Look at that,
I only got one picture left.

How about a shot of me
and Mr. Morgan?

- Why?
- Why?

Because we're a team. Come on.

Would you take this for us, dear?
Thank you very much. Here we go.

Anyone ever tell you you look
a lot like Sugar Ray Leonard?

- Excuse me?
- Yeah, you must hear that all the time.

I suppose we all look alike
to you, right, Costanza?

What? What? No, no, no.

No, no, it's not a racial thing.
There really is a resemblance.

Don't you think
he looks like Sugar Ray?

Come on, somebody. Back me up.

Come on. A little help.

Maybe he looks a little like
Sugar Ray Leonard.

A little? Come on.

Well, you still shouldn't
have said it.

You think Morgan thinks
I have a racial bias?


Boy, that is so unfair.

I would've marched on Selma
if it was in Long Island.

- You'd have marched on Great Neck?
- Absolutely. I still might.

I always hated those girls.
They would never date me.

- Hey.
- Hey, there you are.

- So you ready?
- For what?

He's taking me to the airport.
We got a few minutes.

Oh, yeah.

What, you got no luggage?

This is it.
I'm only going for the day.

- I just gotta pick up a toothbrush.
- Okay.

Hey, Kramer.
Who does that look like?

- I don't know.
- Come on, come on.

- Not salt, but...?
- What, Pepper Johnson?

No. Sugar Ray Leonard.

Oh, no way.

All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll bet you the next
three people I ask...

two of them will say Sugar Ray.

How much? $100? $200? $1000?

Wait, what are you doing?
You're not betting.

- You know he's not supposed to bet.
- Come on, Jerry, it's a lock.

Kramer, you've had this thing
under control...

for almost three years now.
Don't start again.

- But it's a lock, Jerry.
- No.

- What're you doing about Morgan?
- You know what would be great?

If he could see me with
some of my black friends.

Except you don't really
have any black friends.

Outside of us, you don't
have any white friends either.

- Yes?
- Hello, Joe?

- Who is this?
- It's me.

- George Costanza.
- Who?

Remember I was here a while back?

We watched
Breakfast at Tiffany's together?

What do you want?

Well, I've rented another video, Joe.

And there's some popcorn.

- I thought we could do it again.
- Go away.

Remy. Hi.

You. What are you doing here?

Well, I got another
Audrey Hepburn movie.

- Remy, is that you?
- Daddy, that man's here again.

Remy, I want you up here instantly.

You know, Remy, I was thinking.
Last time we were together, you...

That's great.

You know what? Leave it.
Just pull the car around front.

- You sure?
- Yeah. I'll take care of it.

Just throw that in there, would you?

Excuse me.

I take heart medication. What would
you recommend for a runny nose?

Take an antihistamine.
They're over there.

- It's all right to take?
- Yeah, they're great.

What about appetite suppressants?

I just saw them.

Oh, here. Here you go.

- Thank you, young man.
- Have a good day, sir.

- This is your swanky Diplomat's Club.
- I don't see Katie anywhere.

What's this, a fellow club member?

No, she's this woman who's
booking me on these college tours.

She thinks I'm some big celebrity
that has to be pampered...

and explained every little thing.

Yeah. I'm gonna get some snacks
before my flight.

- Jerry.
- Oh, hi, Katie.

- You found the airport all right?
- Yes, I followed the planes.

I see you're having coffee.

Just so you know,
they also have decaf as well.

And I talked to the hostess, they'll also
be serving coffee on the plane...

along with a selection
of cocktails and soft...

Thanks. Thanks for telling me.

What's going on?

I'm Lenore Walker,
Mr. Pitt's estate lawyer.

I arrived to discuss his will and found
Justin had collapsed on the floor.

Oh, my God.

- Who are you?
- This is the girl I want to put in my will.

- Elaine, l...
- Please. Rest, Mr. Pitt.

Oh, you're the assistant.

Why weren't you here
taking care of him?

Well, he gave me the morning off.
I was doing a little shopping.

How did this happen?

He took a very dangerous combination
of prescription heart medicine...

and these other pills.

You were supposed
to talk to the pharmacist.

I spoke to somebody
who worked there.

Oh, I'm gonna go
and call that pharmacy.

How well do you know her?

Jerry, just so you know,
before we take off...

they'll tell us what to do
in event of a crash.

Yes, I know. I've flown before.

Oh, good. I just didn't
want you to freak out.

The chance of a crash is very slim.

- Do you have to go to the bathroom?
- No.

Even if you have to go a little,
you better go now...

because you can't until
after takeoff.

- Hey, how you doing?
- Pretty good.

Name's Kramer.

Earl Haffler. Nice to meet you.

I'm headed to Houston.
Where you headed?

Oh, I'm happy right here.

Isn't this place amazing?

Planes flying in
from all corners of the world...

and they know the minute
when they're arriving.

Oh, they don't know a darn thing.

That's why my flight to Houston
has been delayed.

They're all morons.

Matter of fact, I'll bet you...

that that flight to Pittsburgh takes off
before my flight to Houston.


- Not a betting man.
- Friendly wager.

- I haven't made a bet in three years.
- Oh, come on.

Keep things interesting,
pass the time.

- Okay, how much?
- How about 200.

You're on, cowboy.

- How you doing?
- Okay.

- Nice day today.
- What?

I'm George, George Costanza.
You live around here?

Now arriving at gate 12...

- This could be Mexico City.
- Come on, Seattle, let's go.

- Come on, Mexico City!
- Seattle! Seattle!

Flight number 42 from Mexico City.

Yeah, buddy.

All right, come on, let's go again.
Let's go again.

Mr. Pitt, do you need anything?


You need to sit up.
Why don't I get you a pillow.


It's a pretty full house,
lighting guy's name is Lou.

- He's got a birthday next week.
- Yeah, I don't care.

By the way, I don't want you
to freak out...

but the pilot is going to be
in the audience.


Remember the plane we took here?

The pilot is going to be
sitting out there watching the show.

I don't care.
Why are you telling me this?

I just didn't want you to freak out.

Why would I freak out?


All right, ladies and gentlemen,
a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.


All right. Good afternoon, lthaca.

Good to see you here.

Boy, I noticed there's a lot
of those orange cones...

you have out on the thruway
on the way...

up here.

I was... l...

- It didn't go very well, did it?
- No, it didn't.

And you know why?

Seeing that pilot in the audience
really freaked me out.

I knew it.

If you hadn't mentioned anything,
I would've been fine.

I became obsessed with him.

Why did I invite him?
Stupid. Stupid.

When he asked for tickets,
I should've said no.

- I'm gonna go chew him out.
- Oh, it doesn't matter now.

- Don't you worry, I'm on top of this.
- Yeah, you're on top of it.

And I'm on the bottom!

Well, Mr. Kramer, looks like
you're in the hole $3200.

Will that be cash or check?

Come on, one more bet.
Double or nothing, huh?

All right.

But I wanna see
some cash on the table.

All right, let me call my bank, huh?

All right, you stay here.

- Hello?
- Yeah, it's me.

Hey, what's up?

All right, listen,
I need some cash.

- What for?
- I just need it, that's all.

Oh, no. Don't tell me.

You're gambling again, aren't you?

You weak, weak man.

- Where are you?
- I'm at the airport.

- The airport?
- Betting on arrivals and departures.

But I'm down 3200 bucks,
so you gotta get me some cash.

- I don't have that kind of dough.
- Sure you do.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Not the bag.

Help me, man. I'm desperate.

All right, all right.

Sorry for the delay, folks.

There is a slight complication,
but we're taking care of it...

and we'll be on our way
to LaGuardia.

What is the complication?

- Mr. Seinfeld?
- Yes?

I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked
that you leave this plane.


Apparently he has
some sort of problem with you.

I'm not surprised.
I really let him have it, Jerry.

He had no business being in your
audience if you didn't want him there.

I didn't care.

Well, now the pilot doesn't
want you on his plane.

He can't just throw me
off the plane.

Yes, he can, if he has cause to believe
that a passenger will be a disturbance.

But I'm not a disturbance.

Well, apparently you are
disturbing him, sir.

But someone is waiting for me.

- Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.
- I'm freaking out!

I am freaking out!

There's a flight leaving at 8
and another one leaving at 8:30.

Which one do you want?

Which one do you think I want?

- The 8 will get you in a little earlier.
- Then we'll make it the 8.

Okay, I'll book a hotel.
A standard room or a mini-suite?

- Hotel?
- Yeah, it's 8 in the morning.

No, no, I have to get home tonight.

Bridgette's gonna be waiting for me
at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.

Midsize, luxury or sports model?
What's your preference?

I don't have a preference, okay?
Just make a decision yourself.

All right? Stop bothering me
with every minor detail.


Okay. You're the big celebrity.

- Hello?
- George.

- Hey, Jerry. How was lthaca?
- I'm still here.

You gotta go down
to the Diplomat's Club...

Hey, Jerry, what was the name
of that exterminator...

who fumigated your apartment
when you had fleas?

- Karl, I think.
- Karl. Yeah, yeah.

- He was a nice guy.
- Yeah, he was nice.

- What company was it?
- Defend.

Defend. Yeah.
You know, we spoke for a little bit.

- You need an exterminator?
- No, not really.

Oh, don't tell me.

- Because he's black?
- Gotta go.

George? George?

Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld.
Is Elaine there?

Hold on.

Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld
on the phone for you.

- Hello?
- Elaine. I need a big favor.

Go down to the Diplomat's Club
and meet Bridgette for me. I'm late.

- That's at the airport, right?
- Right.

She'll think I stood her up.
I'll never get another date with her.

- She'll freak out!
- All right, all right.

- You sound a little freaked out yourself.
- I am a little freaked out!

Calm down. I'll take care of it.

- All right, but you have to leave now!
- I said, I'll take care of it.

- Kramer.
- Hey.

- Okay, here it is.
- All right, good.

Here's my collateral.

So it's a mailbag. So what?

So what?

Do you know whose
mailbag that is?

David Berkowitz.

Son of Sam.

The worst mass murderer
the post office ever produced.

- Where'd you get this?
- I took over his route.

And, boy, were there a lot
of dogs on that route.

- Any of them talking to you?
- Just to tell me to keep off the snacks.

- Your bud is a hell of a guy.
- Yeah, don't I know it.

Okay, Cosmo,
we're back in business.


Let's check out the board.
Now, who do you like?

All right, how about lthaca
versus Boston?

All right. I'm gonna give you
a sporting chance. I'll take lthaca.

- Double or nothing.
- Double or nothing.

I hope you know what you're doing.

- Where are we?
- I'm not sure.

- Is this even a road?
- Oh, we lost the road half-hour ago.

What? Well, why didn't you
wake me up?

You told me not to bother you
with minor details.

- No road is a major detail.
- Okay, now I know.

Should I keep going or turn around?
Do you have a preference?

Look out!

- May I help you?
- I'm the exterminator.

Oh, yes, of course. Come in.

Why didn't you want me to bring
my equipment or wear my uniform?

Well, if the other people in the office
saw that I had called an exterminator...

they would just panic.

They're a jittery group.

Besides, this is sort of
a friendly visit.

- Karl, right?
- Do I know you?

Yeah. We met at
Jerry Seinfeld's apartment...

when you fumigated for fleas
over there.

Seinfeld. Oh, yeah.
Funny white guy, right?


Yes, I suppose he is white.
I never really thought about it.

I don't really see people
in terms of color.

You know, there's someone I'd like
you to meet. Hang on a second.

- Is Mr. Morgan in?
- Mr. Morgan left for dinner.

He left?

Karl, you hungry?

Here's a new twist on car-pooling:

Early this morning...

a lost Manhattanite drove through
a residential back yard...

and wound up in a swimming pool
near Ithaca, New York.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld,
a passenger...

seemed a little freaked out.

That's it! No more questions!
I don't care!

No! No! No!

That's him. That's the man who
gave me the pills in the drugstore.

He's no pharmacist.

Seinfeld? I know that name.

He called here earlier for Elaine.

Oh, by the way, order anything
you want, it's all on me.

Just do me a tiny favor.

Pretend we're old friends.

Oh, my God, Mr. Morgan.
What a coincidence.

It's Mr. Morgan. Come here.

Mr. Morgan, I want you to meet
a dear old friend of mine, Karl.

I'm the exterminator.

That's what we used to call him in
high school, "The Exterminator."

He was a linebacker. Oh, boy.

Oh, did we have some wild times.

Well, that Newman
was your good-luck charm.

- Yeah, he sure was.
- I should've quit at double or nothing.

- Traveler's checks acceptable?
- Oh, I accept.

Yeah, he worked in the cubicle
right next to me.

We once double-dated.


It's a pleasure doing business
with a gentleman like yourself.

- Kramer.
- Elaine, what are you doing here?

Jerry asked me
to meet his girlfriend here.

You hear about his plane in lthaca?

What about the plane in lthaca?

Our stupid friend
freaked out the pilot...

single-handedly delayed
the plane a whole hour.

- Can you believe that?
- Boy.

Your friend caused the delay?

- You're a cheat.
- No, wait...

- Nobody hustles Earl Haffler.
- Oh, come on.

- See you around, Cosmo.
- What?

Howdy, ma'am.

Poison you?

Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you?

What? What?
Mr. Pitt, what are you, delirious?

He's never even met you.

You're fired, Elaine. Goodbye.


- Bridgette.
- Jerry, what happened?

I'm so sorry.
I got stuck out of town.

I missed our whole time together.

Well, my plane doesn't leave
for another half-hour.


Oh, my God. It's him.

It's the pilot!

I love this place. You know,
Karl and I come here all the time.

- Is that right?
- Yeah, I come here all the time.

You wouldn't believe
the rat droppings in the kitchen.

So you really are an exterminator?

This time, George,
you've sunk to a new low.

Check, please.

Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard
can eat here on the house.

Hear that? Hear that? Mr. Morgan!

Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan!