Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 21 - The Diplomat's Club - full transcript

Jerry's new agent thinks he's a celebrity who needs his hand held on every little decision. After she tells him that the pilot who flew the plane to Ithaca is in the audience, Jerry freaks out. Kramer goes to the Diplomat's Club to meet up with Jerry and winds up gambling with a Texas business man on which plane is going to arrive first. Meanwhile, Mr. Pitt puts Elaine in his will, and Mr. Pitt's lawyer has reason to suspect that Elaine is up to something.

The worst part about
a car breaking down...

is when you're out
on the road, you're a guy.

Because now you have to get out and
pretend like you know what you're doing.

You gotta go, "All right, honey,
I'm gonna go check it out."

Walk around the front,
open up the hood.

That's good, it obscures her view.

That's the main reason
you want to do that.

You're looking in there, hoping you're
going to see something in there...

so simple, so obvious,
so incredibly easy to fix...

even you can handle it.

Like a giant on/off switch turned off.

So you're going out
with David Puddy.

Yeah. What, is that a problem?

I think he could've asked me.
He's supposed to be a friend mine.

I guess he figured you wouldn't care.
It has been a few years.

Elaine, you always care
who an ex-girlfriend dates.

You don't want someone
you know...

and you don't want
someone better than you.

Now, even though the latter
is obviously impossible...

- Oh, God.
- The former still applies.

I don't know, I just can't see you
with a mechanic.

Oh, yeah, right, right.

All those mechanics do
is work all day with their hands...

and their big muscular arms...

on machines,
and then they come home...

dripping with animal sexuality
like Stanley Kowalski.

- What a huge turnoff that is.
- All right.

Hey, look at that.
They got lobster on the menu.

Who would order a lobster here?

I mean, do they bring a lobster in
every day hoping, "Today's the day."

So what if they have a lobster?

Suddenly you're
a shellfish connoisseur?

I think we really need to be
in front of a television set.

You take TV out of this relationship,
it is just torture.

So I'm getting an eye job.

An eye job?
Ma, you don't need an eye job.

- Georgie, I'm a divorcée.
- You're not a divorcée.

You're just separated.
You're a "separatée."

- Well, I'm out there, George.
- You're not out there.

- I am too.
- You're not out there.

You can't be,
because I am out there.

And if I see you out there...

there's not enough voltage
in this world...

to electroshock me
back into coherence.

Well, anyway, the operation
is on Tuesday...

and I need you to drive me home
because I'll be all drugged up.

Tuesday? I can't do Tuesday.
Steinbrenner needs me...

This is the only time the doctor had.

- Kramer, hey! Come on over here.
- I gotta go somewhere.

No, you're gonna sit down,
you son of a gun.

All right, I'm sitting down.

How are you?

So, Kramer, I'm getting an eye job.

Yeah, good for you.

You have to look your best.
You're out there now.

She's not out there.

- So who's your doctor?
- Bakersaul.

He's good. He's very good.

He worked on this kid
from Guatemala with no nose...

turned him into
Ricardo Montalban.

Hey, Kramer, what are
you doing Tuesday?


Why doesn't he pick you up
after the operation?

He's got the car
with the seats you like.

- I don't care.
- Yeah, I know.

But I can't drive anybody anywhere
until I go down to get my new plates.

- Well, giddyup.
- All right.

I'm here to pick up my new plates.
My name is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer.


- All right.
- All right.

- Sign right here, please.
- Okay.



No, these don't belong to me.
I'm not the Assman.

I think there's been a mistake.

- What's your name again?
- Cosmo Kramer.

Cosmo Kramer.
You are the Assman.

No, I'm not the Assman.

Well, as far as the state of New York
is concerned, you are.

How do you feel?


Something the matter?


Then what is it?

No, nothing.


- I was with David Puddy last night.
- Yeah, so?

He did the move.

- What move?
- You know, the move.

Wait a second, my move?

David Puddy used my move?

- Yes, Yes.
- Are you sure?

Jerry, there is no confusing
that move with any other move.

I can't believe it. He stole my move.

What else did you tell him?

The two of you must have had
quite a little chat.

Oh, it wasn't like that.
I didn't even mention you.

We were in the garage.
You know how garages are.

They're conducive to sex talk.
It's a high-testosterone area.

Because of all the pistons
and the lube jobs?

Well, I'm going to that garage
to tell him to stop doing it.

- Well, wait... Wait a second.
- What?

Isn't that a little rash?

No, he stole my move.

Yeah, but I like the move.

Yeah, but it's like another comedian
stealing my material.

He doesn't even do it
exactly the same.

He uses a pinch at the end
instead of the swirl.

Oh, yeah, the pinch.
I've done the pinch.

That's not new.

I don't know how you can trust
any of his moves now.

His whole repertoire
could be lifted.

You know, it's strange, because
he's such an honest mechanic.

I know, he's probably the only
honest mechanic in New York.

So he stole my move,
and he's using it on Elaine.

You told David Puddy your move,
and you didn't tell me?

I need a move.
You know I have no moves, Jerry.

- Give me a bite.
- Can I just get it open first?

I can't believe you're
hoarding sex moves.

I'm rubbing two sticks together,
you're walking around with a Zippo.

All right, all right. Here.

That's good. That's very good.

- You feel better?
- Yeah, much better.

So, what's the move?
Because I need something.

This woman I'm dating is doing
her nails during lovemaking.

- Nancy Klopper?
- Yeah.

I've never seen anyone so bored.

I'm working like a dog here.
Give me a moan, something.

I'd settle for a belch, for God's sake.
Come on, let's have it.

All right, George, I'm gonna tell you.
But I just want to make sure...

Yeah, it's in the vault.
I'm putting it in the vault.

It's not even a question of that.

The point is, when something
like this is passed along...

one must be certain that it's going
to be used in a conscientious way.

This is not some parlor trick
to be used...

- pell-mell or willy-nilly.
- You gonna tell me or not?

All right.

On your bed, you got a headboard?
You'll need a headboard.

I got a headboard.

- Is it padded?
- No.


- How tall is she?
- Five-foot-4, why?

You can't have more than
a 1 foot differential in your heights.

Otherwise you could
really hurt your neck.

I can't tell you how much
I appreciate this.

George, if you can master this,
you'll never be alone again.

Now the end is kind of an option.
I use the swirl.

I like the swirl.
I'm comfortable with the swirl.

I feel the swirl is a great capper.

He uses the pinch,
which I find a little presumptuous.

- Is it a clockwise swirl?
- I prefer clockwise.

But it's not written in stone.

There you go, buddy.

- What is it?
- It's fusilli Jerry.

It's made from fusilli pasta.

See the microphone?

- When did you do this?
- In my spare time.

I'm working on one of you, George.
I'm using ravioli.

See, the hard part is to find
a pasta that captures the individual.

- Why fusilli?
- Because you're silly.

Get it?

- Yeah.
- Well, thank you very much.

- So did you get your new plates?
- Oh, yeah, I got my new plates.

But they mixed them up.

Somebody got mine,
and I got their vanity plates.

- What do they say?
- "Assman."

- Assman?
- Yeah, Assman, Jerry.

I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman.

Who would order a license plate
that says Assman?

Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.

It doesn't have to be someone
who gets lots of woman.

It could be just some guy
with a big ass.

- Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
- Yeah.

- Proctologist.
- No, come on.

No doctor would put that
on his car.

Have you ever met a proctologist?

Well, they usually have
a very good sense of humor.

You meet a proctologist at a party,
don't walk away.

Plant yourself there. You will hear
the funniest stories you've ever heard.

See, no one wants to admit to them
that they stuck something up there.

Never. It's always an accident.

Every proctologist's story
ends in the same way:

"It was a million-1 shot, doc.

There's my phone.

- So where you gonna stick this?
- I'll tell you where I'd like to stick it.

Hey, David.

Oh, hi, Jerry.

Hey, what's the story?
I hear you're doing my move.

What move?

What move? My move.
The one I told you about.

You used it on Elaine.

What, are you kidding?
I was doing that before I knew you.

- All you told me about was the end.
- The ending is the whole thing.

Without the ending, it's nothing.
You had nothing.

That ending was so obvious.
I would've figured that out anyway.

Didn't need you to tell me
that stupid twist.

- Twirl.
- Whatever, I don't do it.

- Yeah, I know. You do the pinch.
- Yeah. That's right.

You can't come up with your own stuff,
so you steal other people's?

You're nothing but a hack.

Are you through,
because I've gotta get back to work.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

If you wanna do it out of town, okay.
But not in the city.

The next time your car breaks down,
take that out of town.

- Fine.
- Good.


What are you doing?


you know...

pleasuring you.

Well, stop it.

- You don't like the move?
- No, I don't.

- You're kidding.
- No, I'm not.

It feels like aliens
poking at my body.


I'll just go back to my usual routine.

Oh, God. Oh, God, Dave!

Oh, yes, yes.

- I'm sorry.
- What?

I can't do the move.

- What?
- He's ruined it for me.

- Oh, come on. Please?
- No, he called me a hack.

I'm just not into doing it anymore.

So that's it?

I'll come up with some new stuff.

"Call me. 36-24-46.
I think I have what you're looking for."

I must caution you about one thing:

You can't cry for at least 10 days.
You can ruin the operation.

Oh, okay.

Now, is someone coming
to pick you up?

Yes, my son's friend
should be here any minute.

- Can I help you?
- Yeah, Dr. Cosmo Kramer. Proctology.

- Okay. Sure, doctor.
- Thanks. Have a good day.

I just can't get over
how fantastic you look.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, yeah.

This takes 20 years off.

And it was all done by laser.
I don't even need bandages.

Yo, Assman. Look at the Assman.

- Did he say, "Assman"?
- Yeah.

Oh, my goodness.

- Hey, the Assman's in town.
- You got that straight.

Boy, I never dreamed
it could make such a difference.

Well, you must have done
something wrong.

You probably screwed up the order.
Did you close with the swirl?

You're supposed to close
with the swirl?

Oh, my God.
Yes, you close with the swirl.

There's a progression there.
I told you to write it down.

Yeah, yeah.
Should've written it down.

- Yeah?
- Elaine.

All right.

Do me a favor.
Don't even do the move anymore.

You're gonna give it a bad name.


Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld.

What? $2800?

That's the estimate on my car?

No, don't even do anything.

I'm gonna think about it.
Okay, bye.

What's to think about?
Puddy's not gonna cheat you.

- Except it's not Puddy.
- What happened to Puddy?

We had a fight about the move.
I took it to this other place.

- I think they're trying to screw me.
- Of course they're trying to screw you.

That's what they do.
They can make up anything.

Nobody knows.

"By the way, you need
a new Johnson rod in here."

"Oh, Johnson rod? Yeah, well,
better put one of those on."

- Hey, Elaine.
- Yeah, yeah, hello.

- Was it something I said?
- Yes, as a matter of fact.

David Puddy won't
do the move anymore.


He's come up with some other move.
You should see this thing.

- What is it?
- It's a lot of just fancy stuff.

You know what it's like?

It's like big-budget movie
with a story that goes nowhere.

I mean, this move is no good, Jerry.
It's just taking up a lot of my time.

And I will not stand by and allow him
to perform this move on me...

while a perfectly good move is
just sitting in the barn doing nothing.

Let me ask you a question.
This new move...

is there a knuckle involved
in any way?

Yes. Yes, as a matter of fact
there is.

I think that's mine.

I'm not surprised.

Listen, I need you
to do me a favor.

When's the next time
you're gonna see him?

- Why?
- Get an estimate on my car from him.

This garage is trying to screw me.

An estimate?
How am I supposed to do that?

Look, here's the work order
with everything that broke.

Just kind of bring it up
at the right time and find out.

What? What is this?

That's fusilli Jerry.

- Fusilli Jerry?
- Yeah, Kramer made it.

- All right, listen, I'll see you guys later.
- All right.

- Hey, Assman.
- Hey.

- Well, this is Sally.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Shall we go? All right.
- Okay.

You can't face the fact
that I'm improving myself.

You're not the only one
improving yourself.

I worked out with a dumbbell

I feel vigorous.

Just take your mail and go home.
I have things to do.

I got things to do too.

Don't upset me. I can't cry!

Getting an eye job like some
Manhattanite, huh?

Well, it's already working.
Kramer made a pass at me.

Kramer made a pass at you?
You're crazy.

I'm not crazy.
He stopped short and made a grab.

He stopped short? That's my move.

I'm gonna kill him.

- Hey, let me ask you a question.
- Sure.

What do you charge
for blown shocks?

- What?
- Two-, 300?

I don't know, maybe 500.

- What about a bad gasket?
- Bad gasket?

Yeah, like a terrible gasket.

- What is all this?
- Nothing, nothing.

I'm just taking an interest
in what you do.

What kind of car is it?

Any kind of a Swedish car.

All together that could run
about 1600.

Is that with the parts and labor?

No. Dave, no, please.
Not the knuckle.


that was great.

I mean....

It just came to me.

I've never in my life... I've...
What was that?

You mean in the end?

A counterclockwise swirl.

- What's that?
- What?

- On your hand? Let me see.
- Nothing. I don't know. It's a mole.

- Let me see.
- Just a little dirt.

I wanna see what's on your hand.
Give me your hand.

"Number one, take her leg..."

Oh, my God. Crib notes?
You've got crib notes?

It's a very complicated move.
I couldn't remember it all.

Oh, my God, you're sick.

You know, it's not the SATs.

Assman? I'll give him Assman!

Sixteen hundred dollars? That's all?

They are ripping me off.

- So, what are you gonna do?
- That's it. I'm going back to Puddy.

No move is worth this.

You don't care
if he does the move anymore?

Are you kidding? He could do
every move I've ever done.

Do you know what a good mechanic is
worth? You can't compare that to sex.

- Hi, Mr. Costanza, what's...?
- Where's your friend, Kramer?

- I don't know, why?
- I'm looking for him, that's why.

- He stopped short.
- What do you mean?

In the car with my wife.
He stopped short.

You think I don't know
what that's about?

That's my own move.
I used it on Estelle 40 years ago.

I told everybody about it.
Everybody knows...

I stop short.

Really? Stopping short?
That's a good move.

You're not kidding
it's a good move.

- Hey.
- Hey, Frank.

Don't "Frank" me. I know what you did.
How dare you stop short with my wife?

Come on, Frank, relax. I don't know
what you're talking about.

You think I don't know, Assman?

To think I almost split the profits
on the Mansiere with you.

- Bro.
- Mansiere!

- Bro!
- Mansiere!

Oh, my God.

If I wasn't there,
I wouldn't have believed it.

Me either.

They say this guy's the best.

He had to use corkscrew pasta.

Jerry, Jerry, come here.
Take a look at this.

The name on the boat.
Look at it.

- Assman!
- Yeah, he's the Assman.

Jerry, he's the Assman.

- Which one is the son?
- I am.

I'm Dr. Cooperman.

I just want you to know that this won't
take long and he's going to be fine.

Excuse me, you didn't by any chance
recently get the wrong license plates?

Yes, I'm still waiting for the Motor
Vehicle Bureau to straighten it out.

So you're the Assman.

Million-1 shot, doc. Million-1.

Where have you been?
You were supposed to fix the stove.

I've been waiting for hours.

I fell on some fusilli.

- Fusilli?
- You know, the corkscrew pasta.

It was a fusilli Jerry.

It got stuck in me.
I had to go to the proctologist.

The proctologist? Are you okay?

- Yeah.
- Oh, I was so worried.

- Ma, don't cry!
- Oh, I can't help it!

Ma, your eyes!