Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 20 - The Fusilli Jerry - full transcript

You know, these pest-control companies...

they call themselves exterminators,
but they can't really do it.

The best they can do is get the bugs
to go to somebody else's house.

They just relocate them.
You know what I mean?

They're bug realtors
is what they are.

"l think you'll be happy here. There's
a lot of crumbs, not much light.

They usually sleep through
the night, so you'll

have your run of the
place most of the time."

Nobody cares about killing insects.
Even animal-rights people don't care.

You could probably walk
into an animal-rights meeting...

and hear a speech like:



"The only way to stop the cruelty
of the scientific testing on animals...

Got him.

Is to boycott these companies."

Anyway, it's funny.

Paula and I actually met
because of Elaine.

Elaine is in my drawing class.

- And I went there one day to see...
- A nude model.

If Elaine wanted
to go get some coffee.

You know, I once went out
with a nude model.

Never let me see her naked.

Hundreds of people see her naked
every week except me.

Needless to say, it was quite vexing.

- Are you through?
- Yeah.

So I started to compliment Elaine
on her sketches...



and it turns out they're Paula's.

George, I just like to doodle.

Dropped my napkin.

- Jerry.
- What?

- What are you doing?
- What?

She had those nuts in her mouth.
She just spit them out.

You... You ate these?

You sucked on these
and then put them on the plate?

Well, I didn't know
you were gonna eat them.

Still.

I'm sorry you find me so repulsive.

No, no, I don't.
I mean, don't be silly.

- Yeah.
- It's just....

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I think I'll just go to the ladies' room.

I'll join you.

Oh, man, did you see that?

I ate discarded food.

- Well, I've done that.
- Yeah, but with you it's intentional.

- Haven't you kissed her?
- But this is different.

This is like semi-digested foodstuff.

The next stop is the stomach,
and you can take it from there.

Oh, excuse me. Just a second.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, that's gonna make
a big difference.

Hey, this is dating.
You can't leave anything to chance.

You think Shelly's upset that I made
a big deal about the pecan?

Yeah.

- Thanks.
- No problem.

Well, Jerry, I guess
we should get going.

Oh, boy.

Well, it was very nice
meeting you, Shelly.

And, Jerry, be careful,
there's a lot of nuts out there.

Do you have everything?

- Can you grab my purse?
- Yeah.

Yeah, so?

- Don't you see what this is?
- It's a doodle.

Yeah. A doodle of me.

Look at the size of the nose, the ears.
All my features are distorted.

Oh, it's an affectionate caricature.

I'm grotesque.

- I look like a troll.
- It's just a drawing.

Don't you see what this says?

How could you possibly like somebody
if you think they look like this?

Hello!

- What is with him?
- Usual.

So you know what?

My friend Judy recommended me
for a job at Viking Press.

- Hey, good for you.
- Yeah, but get this:

Viking has a deal
with the Plaza Hotel.

They've got a two-bedroom suite there
for out-of-town clients.

- So guess what I did?
- Oh, come on.

You told them you were from
out of town just to stay in the hotel?

I know. I know, Jerry,
but it's the Plaza.

I've never stayed there.
It'll be like a vacation.

Be sure to catch a Broadway show
while you're in town.

Listen, I used your parents' address
in Florida.

They're coming
into town tomorrow, by the way.

- Hey, what's this?
- Don't ask.

What, is it a drawing of Mr. Magoo?

No, it's George.

It is.

Are you enjoying yourself?

- I'm sorry.
- You see? You see?

Listen, when is your next
drawing class?

Tomorrow.

- I want you to do me a favor.
- What?

I want you to find out
if she likes me.

Find out if she likes you?
What, are you in high school?

George, come on. Can't you just,
like, talk to her yourself?

Then she's gonna know that I like her
more than she likes me.

My parents are coming,
and I've gotta clean up.

So if you and Potsie
are done scheming....

Well, they're in.

- What's in?
- The Mackinaw peaches, Jerry.

The Mackinaw peaches!

Right, the ones from Oregon that are
only ripe for two weeks a year?

Yeah, that's right.
I split a case with Newman.

I wait all year for these.

Oh, this is fantastic.

Makes your taste buds come alive.

It's like having a circus
in your mouth.

- Take a taste.
- No.

- Take a taste.
- I don't want it.

- Come on, just take a taste.
- I don't want it!

I'm not gonna taste your peach.

I ate someone's pecan last night.
I'm not eating your peach.

Jerry, this is a miracle of nature
that exists for a brief period.

It's like the aurora borealis.

- Holy cow, what is this?
- What?

- I think I got flea bites.
- Flea bites?

Yeah. Look at this.
My ankle's all bitten up.

You got a dog?

No.

Well, that is strange.

How can I have fleas?

Don't sweat it, buddy.
I used to have fleas.

- What did you do about them?
- What do you mean?

- Hey, Jerry. How you doing?
- Hey!

- Kramer.
- Hi, Jerry.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

Jerry, I'm your mother.
Now, what is it?

Mom, Dad...

I have fleas.

Paula, I hear you've been going out
with George Costanza.

- How did you know?
- Everybody knows.

George told me he thinks
you're totally cute and everything.

He said that?

- Do you like George?
- Yeah. He's cool.

No, I mean, do you like him
or do you "like him" like him?

"Like" like. Looks aren't
that important to me, you know?

Ms. Benes, are you chewing gum?

Yep. They're in your bedroom too,
Mr. Seinfeld.

You got a full-blown outbreak of fleas
on your hands.

I don't get it. How did this happen?
I don't have a dog.

I don't explain them, Mr. Seinfeld.
I just exterminate them.

I don't understand this.

I'm gonna have to seal the place up
for 48 hours and fog it.

Only way to get rid of them.

Nobody can be in here for 48 hours?
I got my parents in town.

Well, unless you wanna kill them...

they can't stay in here.

This stuff is pretty toxic.

- I'll go get my stuff. It's in the truck.
- Okay.

- How you doing?
- Hi.

Bug guy.

- Why do you have a bug guy?
- I have fleas.

Fleas?

- How did you get fleas?
- I don't know.

Everyone's gotta clear
the apartment for two days.

I don't know what to do
with my parents.

They'll never let me pay for a hotel.

If they go someplace on their own,
it'll be some awful dump.

Have you checked
into the Plaza yet?

No.

Oh, no.

- Come on, come on, come on.
- Oh, no, no, no.

- My parents, my parents.
- No, no, no... Okay!

Good.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Come up.

What about you?
Where are you gonna stay?

I'm gonna ask Shelly,
but she still might be upset...

about the masticated
pecan incident.

Hey, I found out from Paula,
she likes George.

- I bet he'll be relieved.
- When he's dead, he'll be relieved.

By the way, Viking Press sent
a FedEx for you to my parents.

They brought it with them.

Yeah, that's just some stuff
about the company.

- Hey, did you talk to Paula?
- Yeah.

- So, what did she say?
- She likes you.

She said she liked me?

- She said that?
- Yep.

Those were her exact words,
"l like George"?

Yep.

How do you like that?
How do you like that?

You see, I get myself into a tizzy,
I'm all worked up, and for what?

For nothing.

In fact, she said looks
weren't that important.

You see... What?

She said...?

She said looks aren't
that important to her?

- Let me rephrase that. She...
- She thinks I'm ugly.

I knew it.

See, the thing of it is...

there's a lot of ugly people
out there walking around...

but they don't know they're ugly
because nobody actually tells them.

So, what's your point?

- I don't... I don't know.
- Okay.

The point, George, is she likes you.

Oh, so what?

I'd rather she hate me
and thought I was good-looking.

Then at least I could get
somebody else.

- What is this? Why am I itching?
- That would be the fleas.

- Hey.
- Hey, how do you like this?

Oh, my God.

Morty, let's go. This is too nice.

Hey, this is the kind of room
Sinatra stays in.

Hey, look, macadamia nuts.

- Macadamia nuts?
- Yeah.

You know what these cost?
They're like 80 cents a nut.

- Are you sure this is all right?
- Yeah. It's all taken care of.

Hey, they got a phone
in the john here.

Judy.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Thank you for recommending me
to Viking Press.

It is my pleasure. Just make sure
you give that manuscript a good read.

Manuscript?

Yeah, I'm sure they FedExed you
a manuscript.

They want to see you read
an unpublished work...

and give insightful criticism.

Read it twice if you have to.

- This is a big step in your career.
- Yeah, I gotta go.

- Hey, what about lunch?
- I gotta go.

- Thank God I found you.
- Oh, hey.

Do you still have that FedEx?

In the apartment. But we can't go in.
It's being fumigated.

I'll take my chances.
Come on, come on.

- You see?
- Jerry, I need that FedEx right now.

I told you to take it.

I didn't know that it was a manuscript
that I had to read.

Well, you can't go in there.
It's like a gas chamber in there.

Hey, buddy.

I left a Mackinaw peach
in your refrigerator.

Kramer, they're fumigating.
There's toxic gas in there.

- Toxic gas?
- Oh, you'll be fine.

- You were there a couple minutes?
- An hour and a half.

I was reading a manuscript.
I just couldn't put it down.

- My manuscript?
- How do you feel?

Well, now that you mention it,
a little woozy.

You've gotta go back in
and grab my manuscript.

- I'm not going back.
- All right, then where is it?

I left it on the coffee table
or something.

- What are you doing?
- I'm going in.

Didn't you see the sign
on the door?

I thought it was so your parents
wouldn't walk in...

while you were with a girl.

It's not on any table, Kramer.
Where is it?

I don't know.
I was in the bathroom, the kitchen.

Okay, bathroom, kitchen.

Could you get me a soda?

Jerry, I had some milk.
I made a sandwich.

I gotta get out of the building.

I couldn't find it anywhere.

- How did you get fleas anyway?
- I don't know.

Who could have been
in my apartment?

I looked everywhere...

but all I could find were these
stupid Chunky wrappers.

Wait a second.
Did you say Chunky wrappers?

- Yeah.
- Let me see those.

Oh, I know the chunky
that left these Chunkys.

Newman!

I've got him.

Newman! Open the door, Newman.
I know you're in there.

Hello, Jerry.

What a pleasant surprise.

There's nothing pleasant about it.
Just cut the crap.

You gave me fleas.
I know it and you know it.

Fleas?

That's preposterous.
How could I give you fleas?

- Now, if you don't mind...
- Oh, but I do.

There's probably fleas
crawling all over your little snack bar.

So you have fleas.

Maybe you keep your house
in a state of disrepair.

Maybe you live in squalor.

You know, Newman,
the thing about fleas...

is that they irritate the skin.

And they start to itch.

Oh, maybe you can hold out
five seconds or 10.

Maybe 15 or 20.

But after a while...

no matter how much willpower
a person may have...

it won't matter...

because they're crawling,
crawling on your skin.

Up your legs, up your spine,
up your back...

All right, I've got them!
I'm rife with fleas!

Oh, that feels good.

Hey, this guy charges
100 bucks an hour...

but I'm telling you,
he's worth every penny.

I'm next.

Hey, Leo, get this.
I'm watching four movies at once.

Pay-per-view.

I love these nuts.

This champagne's gone flat.

Nana.

Let the chambermaid clean it up.

- Hello.
- What's the matter?

- Well, I spoke to Elaine...
- Hey, look, no shave.

No. Why should that make
any difference to you?

It doesn't.

Of course not.
You don't care what I look like.

That's right, I don't.

I suppose I could pull this out
and walk around like this...

and you wouldn't care.

Not a whit.

I suppose we could go
to Lincoln Center...

and I could wear
sneakers and jeans.

- You could wear sweatpants.
- I could?

You could drape yourself in velvet
for all I care.

Velvet?

- Did you read the whole thing?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah? So, what's it about?

Well, it's a story...

about love, deception,
greed, lust...

and unbridled enthusiasm.

Unbridled enthusiasm?

That's what led
to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.

Oh, boy.

You see, Elaine,
Billy was a simple country boy...

you might say
a cockeyed optimist...

who got himself mixed up
in the high-stakes game...

of world diplomacy
and international intrigue.

- Oh, my God.
- Well, here we go.

Could I have a Scotch on the rocks?

- May l?
- Yeah, go ahead.

All right.

What is this?

- What? What are you...?
- I can't taste this.

- What are you talking about?
- Well, this food, it has no taste.

Nothing. I'm getting nothing.

What?

It must be the toxic gas
from the fumigation.

What?

- Thanks for letting me stay here.
- I don't keep pecans in the house...

so I didn't think there would
be a problem.

Oh, damn.

- What's the matter?
- I forgot my toothbrush.

Oh, no problem.

You can use mine.

Yours?

You know what? I'll brush later.

Brush now.

Sure.

Newman, let me have a bite
of your Mackinaw.

- What for, you got your own.
- Come on, I need to taste it.

Yeah.

Nothing. I can't even taste
a Mackinaw.

- Well, that's a shame.
- Wait all year, and I can't taste them.

You can't taste them,
why waste them?

Why not give them all to me?

It's a story about love, deception...

greed, lust...

and unbridled enthusiasm.

Unbridled enthusiasm?

Yeah, yeah. That's right.

That's what led to
Billy Mumphrey's downfall.

Interesting take.

So you believe that
had he not been so enthusiastic...

he could have averted disaster.

Yes. Yes, that's right.

You see....

You see, Billy Mumphrey
was a simple country boy...

some might say
a cockeyed optimist...

who got caught
up in the dirty game...

of world diplomacy
and international intrigue.

So it was more a question of attitude
than politics.

Yes. Yes, Mr. Mandel.

Hey, Under Siege is on again.

Who's up for it?

No more nuts.

Oh, my God.

What the hell is this?

Don't tell me. Velvet?

It's the real deal.

She's seen you in this thing?

That's right. We just had sex.

You know, Jerry, I've been searching
for someone a long time.

Well, the search is over.

And now the search
for the right psychiatrist begins.

So, what's with the suitcase?

She threw me out.

- Why?
- I wouldn't use her toothbrush.

- So where you staying?
- I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet Fog.

Three hours of massage time,
12 in-room movies...

including several adult features...

five shoeshines...

and $400 worth of snacks.

Not to mention the damage
to the room.

Mr. Mandel, you don't understand.
My friend had fleas.

I ran into the gas.
It could have killed me.

My other friend couldn't taste
his peaches.

They're only good for two weeks.

I think you've read one too many
Billy Mumphrey stories.

- Good day, Ms. Benes.
- Okay, good day.

- Hi, George.
- Hi.

This is fantastic.

- Ever had a Mackinaw peach?
- Oh, yeah. I love those.

Well, too bad. It's all done.

Yes. Yes, it's back.
I can taste again.

- What's the date?
- Fifteenth.

Fifteenth. Yes! Last day for
the Mackinaws. I can still make it.

Wait, Newman. Newman, wait.

Sorry. Last one.

But if you want to suck the pit....

Look, Beauford. It's the mailman.

You remember the mailman,
don't you?

- Kramer, don't.
- Get him!

Hello? Is anybody here...?

They said they were sending over
an Asian woman.

Oh, my God.