Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 23 - The Understudy - full transcript

All right, what am I
supposed to do here?

Should I go over there?

It's not like somebody died.
It's Beaches, for God's sake.

If she was sitting next to me,
I'd put my arm around her.

I can't see making a big move
like going all the way over there.

I can't.

I won't.

So she calls me this morning, tells me
she's upset that I didn't console her.

I mean, it was Beaches,
for God's sake.

I mean, what do you do
in a situation like that?

- Where were you?
- I was sitting on the chair.



She was over here on the couch.

Well, if you were sitting next to her,
you'd have to console her.

Of course.

But when you're talking about
a movie like Beaches...

moving from the chair
to the couch...

- that's quite a voyage.
- Yeah.

Hey. Hey, we gotta
get going, come on.

- Where are you going?
- Show League game.

The lmprov is playing
Rochelle, Rochelle: The Musical.

Really?

Is Bette Midler playing?
Is she gonna be there?

She might be.
She's the star of the show.

Bette Midler is gonna be
in the park today?

Jerry, don't tease me.



I didn't know you were such a fan.

So maybe I'll go down there
and watch. She'll be there, maybe?

- So is Gennice playing today?
- Yeah, she might be.

- What Gennice?
- That's the understudy. I'm dating her.

- Is this Bette Midler's understudy?
- Yeah.

Understudies, now,
they're a shifty bunch.

The substitute teachers
of the theater world.

I'm glad that she's an understudy.

I avoid having to go backstage
and think of something to say.

Going backstage is the worst.

Especially when they stink.
Then it's a real problem.

Just once I'd like
to tell someone they stink.

"Hey, you know what,
I didn't like the show, I didn't like you.

You just really stunk.

The whole thing, real bad.
Stinkaroo.

Thanks for the tickets, though."

- Ms. Elaine, you late.
- I know, I know.

I didn't have change for the bus.
Nobody will give you change.

So they threw me off the bus.

But you have to wait
for Lotus now.

Well, how long is that gonna take?
I have, like, a million things to do.

What?

Not long.

What is so funny?

Sunny tell a knock-knock joke.

I'm telling you, I have a sneaking
suspicion they're talking about me.

I think they've been
calling me a dog.

How would you know?
You don't speak Korean.

Because this woman
came in with a dog...

and Ruby calls the dog
the same word they were saying...

when they were pointing at me.

You know, maybe in Korean,
"dog" isn't an insult.

It could be like the word "fox" to us.

"Oh, she's a dog!"

Why don't you go to
another nail shop?

Because they're the best, Jerry.
The best. Look.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

What you need is a translator
to go in with you...

and tell you what they're saying.

- Yeah, who speaks Korean?
- Do you know who speaks Korean?

- Who?
- George's father.

Oh, God, you've gotta be kidding me.
How does he speak Korean?

- He used to go there on business.
- What did he do?

Sold religious articles.

Statues of Jesus, the Virgin Mary,
manufactured in Korea.

George, does your father
speak Korean?

- Yeah, fluently.
- Really?

In fact, he once spoke to
the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.

Thanks.

- Oh, hi, Gennice.
- Hey, Jerry.

You know George. This is Kramer.

Nice to meet you.

- Playing today?
- No. I'm a bench player.

Boy, they really stick
to that understudy rule.

- So she's coming?
- Oh, yeah, she'll be here.

Guaranteed.

Oh, no.

My frankfurter.

My frankfurter fell. Oh, no.

It was really good.
I can't believe that I dropped it.

It's okay. It's just a hot dog.

Don't worry,
everything's gonna be okay.

It was really good.

It's Bette!

Hi. Hi.

Look, there she is.
It's Bette. It's Bette.

Bette?

- Hi.
- Hi.

You know, I just wanna say
I think you're wonderful.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

You know, I've seen you
in everything you've done.

- Really?
- Anything I can get you? A water?

- They got Italian ice over here.
- What flavors do they have?

Well, they've got chocolate,
lemon and cherry.

- How about pineapple?
- Sure. I'll be right back.

Thanks.

- One pineapple.
- No pineapple.

Just cherry, lemon and tutti-frutti.

All right.

Anyway, Mr. Costanza,
what I want you to do...

is to go into the shop with me
and tell me what they're saying.

You do speak Korean?

I once talked to
the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.

He bought two
Jesus statues from me.

He's a hell of a nice guy.

You ever seen that face on him?

It was like a big apple pie.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, Mr. Costanza,
if you do this for me...

I can get you a manicure.
I'll pay for it.

Or you can get
a pedicure if you want.

No one's touching my feet.

Between you and me, Elaine,
I think I got a foot-odor problem.

- Hold it up. Time.
- Time.

- How you feeling?
- Pretty good.

Your arm feeling okay?

What's your problem?

Now, listen, she's all over
the inside of the plate.

You know, she thinks she's a big star,
thinks she owns the inside corner.

I say we back her off with a little
chin music, you know I what mean?

I know what you mean. Why don't you
go back and play your position there.

Just trying to help.

I know what you're trying to do.
You're throwing off my rhythm.

Go get her.

Caught that, what is it, Beaches,
on cable last night.

"Wind Beneath My Wings," huh?

Give me a break.

Hey, get some talent,
then you can mouth off.

- Strike three.
- What, are you blind?

You stink.

- What's that?
- Nothing. Nothing.

I had an affair with a Korean woman.

Mr. Costanza, I don't...

No, I feel I need to unburden myself.

I loved her very deeply...

but the clash of cultures
was too much.

- Her family would not accept me.
- Mr. Costanza, I'm not sure...

Maybe it was because I refused
to take off my shoes.

Again, the foot-odor problem.

The father would
look at me and say:

Which means, "This guy...

this is not my kind of guy."

- Pineapple? Sure, I got pineapple.
- Yeah, all right, okay.

Move in. Move in, everybody.

Get your shrimp here.

Bigmouth shrimp on special today.

Come on, George,
we just need one run.

Come on, George!

I got the pineapple!
I got the pineapple!

Keep going! All the way!

- Come on, come on!
- Keep going. Run, run!

- Safe.
- Yes!

Yes!

Oh, my God, Bette's hurt!

The understudy's boyfriend
probably put him up to it.

That's his friend.
You're gonna pay for this.

Fellas, fellas, that was a clean play.
Come on, it's just a game.

It's just a game!

Oh, God!

Now, don't worry. I'm with you.

Kramer's here. Kramer is going
to take care of everything.

Here, see? I got your pineapple.

And I saw Beaches last night
for the fourth time.

Our top story:

The show will go on,
but not Bette Midler.

While playing softball in the park,
Ms. Midler was injured...

when another player thoughtlessly
rammed her at home plate...

all captured
on amateur videotape.

She'll be out for at least a week...

from her new Broadway show,
Rochelle, Rochelle: The Musical.

Thank you.

- Well, we...
- No, please.

This is the first time in my life...

that anyone has ever done
anything like this for me.

I've always had to struggle so hard
for everything I ever got.

And for you two to do
what you did...

I just know this is
gonna be my big break.

It's okay.
Everything's gonna be all right.

Jerry.

Come on, Jerry, open up.
I know you're in there!

Kramer, come back another time.

Yeah.

So you're all in here together.

Well, how convenient.

I hope you're all
very proud of yourselves.

So, my dear, you think
you can get to Broadway.

Well, let me tell you something:

Broadway has no room
for people like you.

Not the Broadway I know.

My Broadway takes people like you
and eats them up and spits them out.

My Broadway is the Broadway of
Merman and Martin and Fontanne.

And if you think you can
build yourself up...

by knocking other people down,
good luck!

Hello, everyone. Hi.

This is my friend Frank.

What would you like today?
Manicure? Pedicure?

I'll take a manicure.

- I don't take my shoes off for anyone.
- Yeah, I know.

What's that?

What'd they say?

They made a derogatory
comment about me.

- Okay, that's it.
- What?

Where's my tail?

I heard every word you said.

You got some nerve!

That voice.

It sounds so familiar.

It reminds me of when
I was a young girl in Korea...

and I met
an American businessman.

He was a very unusual man.

Quick-tempered, with a strange,
halting way of speaking.

We fell in love.

But when I brought him home
to meet my father...

he refused to take his shoes off,
and there was a terrible fight.

This man also refuses
to take his shoes off.

I've never seen people
treated like this!

So you brought in a spy?

Now, take your dry,
bitten nails and get out!

Frank?

Kim?

Yeah, right. It's a turkey sandwich,
a side of slaw.

- You want white or dark meat?
- White meat.

Yeah, white meat.

And if I see one piece of dark meat
on there, it's your ass, buster.

Oh, get me one of those
black-and-white cookies.

All right, yeah.

They don't have any,
but don't worry.

I'm gonna get you one somewhere.

Good. If I don't get a
black-and-white cookie...

I'm not gonna be
very pleasant to be around.

Now, that's impossible.

- Is there anything else I can do?
- I don't think so.

Well, can I do that for you?

All right, what the hell.

So, what's the scoop on Bob Barker?

Does he really give a damn
about what those things cost...

or is he just acting?

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I don't even know where I'm going.

Well, that's the best way to get
someplace you've never been.

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

Have you been crying?

Yeah, see, this woman,
this manicurist...

No, no, it doesn't matter why.
That's a very nice jacket.

Oh, thanks.

Very soft. Huge button flaps...

cargo pockets, drawstring waist...

deep bi-swing vents in the back,
perfect for jumping into a gondola.

How do you know all that?

That's my coat.

- You mean...?
- Yes.

I'm J. Peterman.

I don't know why I have to go.
I didn't do anything to Bette.

Could you stop over here?
We're picking somebody up.

It's that understudy
who put the hit on Bette!

Hey, I didn't do anything.
I was never informed.

- Oh, yeah, sure.
- That's not what they said in the paper.

You can all go straight to hell.

You see that? Do you see
what I'm going through?

So what?

Someone dropped an egg on my head
as I went into my building last night.

I'm being heckled on-stage.
People are yelling out "Gillooly."

Well, I'm having
a little trouble with all this.

I mean, all I ever wanted
to do is sing...

and now I'm the focus of
this big media frenzy.

And none of the other actors
in the show will even talk to me.

Stop your crying, will you.

- What?
- You heard him.

Don't you chime in.
You're the reason this happened.

Oh, yeah? I read what you
said to the papers yesterday.

How you weren't in on the planning.

What planning?
You think we planned this?

- How dare you say we planned this!
- Wait, I know you three.

You knocked Bette Midler out of
Rochelle, Rochelle: The Musical.

I want you creeps out of my cab.

- I had nothing to do with it.
- Get out of my cab!

You should go to prison,
eat prison food the rest of your life.

Get out. Get out, each of you.

Each and every one of you,
get out of my cab!

Then, in the distance,
I heard the bulls...

and I began running
as fast as I could.

Fortunately, I was wearing
my Italian capto oxfords.

Sophisticated yet different,
without making a huge fuss about it.

Rich, dark-brown calfskin leather.

Matching linen vamp.

Men's whole and half sizes,
7 through 13, price $135.

Oh, that's not too expensive.

I like that shirt.
Where did you get it?

This innocent-looking shirt has
something which isn't innocent at all.

Touchability.

Heavy, silky, Italian cotton...

a fine, almost terrycloth-like feeling.

Five-button placket, relaxed fit.

Innocence and mayhem at once.

That's not bad.

So many years, Frank.

So many years.

If only you had taken
your shoes off.

Couldn't, because I had
a potential foot problem.

I thought maybe you had
holes in your socks.

I wiped them for two minutes
on the mat.

I don't know why your father
made a case out of it.

Anyway, that's all in the past.
We have our whole future ahead of us.

Between you and me...

I think your country is placing
a lot of importance on shoe removal.

You stopped short with me?
We don't do that in Korea.

Take me home!
I never want to see you again.

Hi.

Here.

I made this for you.

- What is it?
- It's Macaroni Midler!

- Macaroni Midler?
- Yeah, yeah.

- See how you're singing?
- Yeah.

- What's that from?
- That's a song from my show.

What do you think?

You are so freaking talented.

So look who's here.

- What do you want?
- We want to talk to her.

We want to apologize and tell her
the whole thing was an accident.

No, I'm sorry,
it's out of the question.

- What?
- Bette is recuperating right now...

and I'm not gonna allow
anything to disturb her.

Who are you to decide?

I'm calling the shots around here
so there won't be any more accidents.

- Hey, look, Kramer, don't you...
- I don't want her disturbed.

All right, we are gonna
go find a security guard.

- What's wrong?
- I have a very bad feeling about this.

Yeah.

Wait a second. What are you doing?
Where are you taking me?

There's only one place
where I know you'll be safe.

Are you insane?!

- Hello, Elaine.
- Oh, hi.

- We're so excited.
- Thank you so much.

Oh, you're welcome.

- See you inside.
- Okay.

What happened?

Well, I felt bad about the spying,
so I got them tickets to the show.

That's nice.
All right, see you later.

Wait, wait, wait. I didn't even get
to tell you about my new job.

- Where?
- Writing for the J. Peterman catalog.

How did you get that?

I met him.

- You met J. Peterman?
- Yeah.

What is he like?

He wore a classic
horseman's duster...

beige corduroy collar,
100 percent cotton canvas, high waist.

Nine pockets, six on the outside.

Great for running
alongside a train...

waving last goodbyes,
posing on a veranda.

- Men's sizes small, medium, large....
- Yeah, I'll see you later.

- Well, break a leg tonight.
- I'm really nervous.

Here, you got a telegram.
Well, look who's here.

- Listen, buddy...
- What, are you gonna break my legs?

You don't scare me.
You or your goons.

How do you like that.

- What is it?
- My grandmother died.

- Oh, I'm so sorry...
- Oh, no, it's okay. I'm fine.

So you don't cry
when your grandmother dies...

but a hot dog makes
you lose control?

Places, everyone!

- I gotta go on now.
- Good luck.

Ladies and gentlemen,
at this evening's performance...

the part of Rochelle will be played
by Gennice Graham.

- Gennice...?
- Gennice Graham?

- What happened to Bette Midler?
- Oh, she got hurt.

No Bette Midler?

Wait, wait.

Hold it.

Stop!

I'm sorry, I have to start it over.

Look at my shoelace.

I can't do it like this.

Please let me start it over?

Please?

Please?

Your turn!