Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 13 - The Scofflaw - full transcript
Kramer is walking down a street and sees a man littering. He calls the guy a "pig" but doing so offends a cop who is standing a few feet away. Of course, the cop isn't paying attention and the scofflaw gets away. Kramer decides that he needs a new look and goes with an eye patch. George runs into Gary Fogel, a man who was having cancer and decided not to tell him. But he did tell Jerry, who reveals that he made himself nearly sick being nice to the guy. The next day, George meets with Gary, who drops a bombshell that he never actually had cancer and that the operation revealed that it was benign. Kramer decides to go apologize to the cop on his way to get a book signed by Elaine's ex-boyfriend Jake Jarmel (see episode "The Sniffing Accountant"). The cop reveals a story about a brown Dodge sedan that has become his "white whale" - the scofflaw has racked up more parking tickets than anyone in New York and that he almost nailed him until Kramer made his remark. Kramer goes to the book store and sees Jake signing books, and he comments on Jake's frames but he wont tell Kramer where he got them. He then tells him that Elaine says hi. But this of course freaks Elaine out. She then goes to the bookstore to meet with Jake. Jerry, meanwhile, confronts George with his poker face about the bombshell that Gary just told him. Jerry gets the message loud and clear that Gary never actually had cancer. He tries to confront Gary but George wont let him because Gary is giving George a parking space for practically nothing. Elaine then bumps into a man on the street who has an identical pair of Jake's frames. She buys them out of spite and then goes back to gloat at Jake. The man, now without his glasses walks across the street and causes an accident. Kramer catches wind of who the scofflaw is - Newman. He tells the cop, who in turn gets Newman's car permanently impounded. This of course means that Gary is forced to give up his parking space. Jerry goes to meet him and George at the Hair Team For Men store, where Jerry finds that the unlimited gift certificate he had purchased for Gary was being put to good use. He then gets Gary to admit that he had lied about getting cancer. George gets a toupee and is brimming with newly found self-confidence. Elaine sells the glasses to Mr. Lippman, who is opening the press conference for Jake Jarmel. During the press conference, things get ugly.
The big new accessory
with eyeglasses...
seems to be that strap that connects
so you can take them on and off...
which I don't get because if you
have glasses, isn't that because...
you need to wear glasses?
"You need glasses."
Isn't that what they say?
An eye doctor doesn't say:
"Would you care for some glasses?"
People with crutches don't
have a chain attached to their belt...
so they can just let go
of them every now and then.
Why not get a toupee with a
rubber band for water-skiing?
The thing could just....
Hey, George.
Gary?
Where the hell have you been?
I've been leaving
messages for months.
- I know, I've been busy.
- Don't give me busy.
Who's not busy? I'm busy.
We're all busy. Everybody's busy.
All right. Tell me.
What's kept you so busy?
Mostly chemotherapy.
Hey, I'll see you.
Hey, pig!
Hey, hey, hey!
So you called the cop a pig?
I was yelling at the litterbug.
I mean, this is my town.
You don't throw trash
on the streets of my town.
So, didn't you explain that
to the cop?
No, I fled the scene.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Kramer, I need to talk
to Jerry privately.
What about?
- Kramer.
- Oh, come on, George...
you can share it with me.
- You're hurting me.
- You gonna share with me next time?
- Sure. I swear.
- All right. I'm looking forward to it.
All right, I got news. You ready?
- Gary Fogel had cancer.
- Oh, yeah, I knew.
- You knew? How did you know?
- He told me a few months ago.
Why did he tell you and not me?
- I don't know.
- How are you closer to him than me?
- So is he okay?
- Oh, yeah, he's fine.
He was in bad shape
for a while, though.
Really? How bad?
Was he on his deathbed?
No, he was on his regular bed.
So why didn't you tell me?
- He swore me to secrecy.
- So?
It's not like you're my wife.
I still think you should've told me.
You were better off not knowing.
It's not easy to deal with
someone in a situation like this.
I was so nice to him l
almost made myself sick.
I'm gonna talk to him about this.
That's right. You let him have it.
Who is he not to tell you
about his life-threatening illness?
- That's what I'm saying.
- His illness is your business.
- If not mine, whose?
- If not now, when?
Were you just talking about me?
No, an old friend of ours, Gary.
Oh, the guy with cancer?
You told her? She's not your wife.
If I told you, you would've
given it away.
- You don't think I can keep a secret?
- No, but he would have read your face.
- You don't trust my poker face?
- Do you ever win at poker?
No.
Hey. Oh, I just saw your
old boyfriend on TV.
- Jake Jarmel?
- Yeah.
I like those glasses he was wearing.
Where'd he get those?
- Why? You don't wear glasses.
- I know.
But I need a new look.
I'm stagnating.
I have to say, as a glasses-wearer,
I take exception to that.
That's like me buying a wheelchair
to cruise around in.
Yeah, I've considered that.
Look, how do I get in touch
with this guy?
He's having a two-day book signing
at Walden's.
You know, we had
a really bad breakup.
The Jujyfruits?
Yeah, the Jujyfruits.
Okay, K-Man.
- Enjoy the book.
- Thank you. Listen, Jake...
where did you get
those eyeglass frames?
- I can't tell you.
- You don't know where?
Yes, I do, but I don't want
anyone else to have them.
Well, that's peculiar.
Oh, there's that woman that
never talks to anybody.
Really?
Every day she comes in and reads.
Never talks to anybody.
Oh, I spoke to Debby Biblow.
She said to say hi.
Really?
Gary, I really have to say
I'm a little bit hurt...
that you didn't decide
to confide in me.
Well, frankly, you can't
keep a secret.
You know, you'd get two pair,
the whole table knows.
Well, I still think it was wrong.
I'm sorry. All right?
I guess I was just thinking of myself.
Yes.
So I called the litterbug a pig.
Not you.
I like policemen.
I wanted to be a policeman.
Yeah, so why didn't you?
I'm scared of being shot.
Mr. Kramer, let me tell you a story.
In 1979, I ticketed a brown Dodge
Diplomat for parking in a church zone.
That fine was never paid.
And since then, that scofflaw has
piled up more parking tickets...
than anyone in New York City.
For 16 years I pursued him...
only to see him give me
the slip time and time again.
I've never got
a clean look at his face...
but he's become my white whale.
Mr. Kramer, that day was yesterday.
But thanks to you, I don't know if
I'll every get that chance again.
I like that eye patch.
All right. I'm gonna move my car.
My meter's up.
- You can't park in this city.
- Hey.
George, you know that
company I work for?
They own the parking lot
around the corner.
- Oh, that's a Kinney lot?
- Yeah. There's a space opening and...
I could get it for you.
You'd just pay tax.
It'd be, like, 50 a month.
Fifty bucks a month?
That's incredible.
Okay. Thanks.
I got lunch, all right?
Still owe me a secret.
All right, there is something
I haven't told you.
- Yeah?
- But you can't tell Jerry.
What do you think, I tell Jerry
everything? It's not like he's my wife.
Okay. Well...
the thing is I've been living a lie.
Just one? I'm living, like, 20.
What's yours?
Well, l....
I never actually had cancer.
I'll see you.
So he refused to tell you
where he got the glasses?
Flat out refused.
Yeah, isn't that just like him?
You know, he has to be
the only one who has them.
Yeah, tell me about it, soul sister.
- Anyway, I told Jake that you said hi.
- What?
- You told Jake I said hi?
- Yeah.
I can't believe you did that.
Why did you tell him I said hi?
I never said hi. When did I say hi?
- I never heard her say hi.
- It's common courtesy.
No, no, Kramer. You don't understand.
He made the last contact between us.
I had the upper hand in the
post-breakup relationship.
If he thinks that I said hi,
then I lose the upper hand.
It's like a game of tag.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere.
You're going to the bookstore
to see Jake.
- So what if I do?
- Listen...
if you're going, you can get him to
tell you where he got those glasses.
Elaine!
Hey.
- How'd it go with Gary?
- Fine. Fine.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Looks like something's on your mind.
- No, nothing. I'm fine.
So that's your poker face.
- A regular face.
- No, it isn't.
I've seen your regular face.
That is not it.
What are you saying?
All right, George, come on.
What do you got?
- I got nothing.
- What do got? A pair of bullets?
What are you talking about?
Two pair? Three of a kind?
- Will you stop it?
- Oh, my God. You got a flush.
- You're holding a flush.
- I don't have a flush.
A full house?
You got a full house?
Turn them over, George. I wanna
see them. Come on. I'm calling.
- What do you got?
- Gary Fogel never had cancer!
So you see, Kramer took it upon
himself to say hi to you for me...
when in fact, it was
an unauthorized hi.
- You didn't say hi?
- That's what I'm saying.
- That's what you came to tell me?
- Correct.
- You never said hi.
- Correct.
- You still like me, don't you?
- Correct. What?
Hey, I have been trying to get
this book signed all day.
How can you say that I still like you
when I didn't even say hi to you?
Coming down to say
that you didn't say hi...
is more of a gesture
than if you did say hi.
Jake....
The doctors thought
he had cancer...
but the surgery revealed
he never actually had it.
- So, what was wrong with him?
- Nothing.
He's been lying to me
for two months?
- That's right.
- What kind of person is this?
There's one other person who might
do something like this, and that's you.
- Well....
- I don't even think you could do it.
No, I could do it.
- Yeah, I guess you could.
- Come on.
He was so worried about losing
more hair with chemo treatments...
I bought him an unlimited gift
certificate at the Hair Team For Men...
just to put his mind at ease?
- You did that?
- Yeah!
- Oh, I can't wait to talk to this guy.
- Wait! You can't say anything.
- Why not?
- Because he'll know I told you.
Besides, he's giving me a parking spot
around the corner for nothing.
So because you're
getting free parking...
I gotta pretend
this guy had cancer?
Yeah.
Well, I don't like it.
I don't like it one bit. And
I'm supposed to see him tomorrow.
Maintain the same disposition.
You can't act any differently.
You have to be nice.
- Why didn't he tell me?
- Because you were being so nice.
- I don't think I could be that nice.
- You be nice!
Gary?
What do you think?
Check it out.
- Is that from my gift certificate?
- Yeah, buddy.
You came through.
You've been so nice.
Yeah, well, I'm glad you could
take advantage.
Yeah. Hey, know what
I'm thinking of doing?
I'm getting rid of all my fillings
because that mercury's toxic.
- Hey, let me see your fillings.
- I don't think so.
Oh, come on. Open up.
Let me take a look.
You be nice.
He's giving me a parking space.
Parking space. Parking space.
Well, what do you know.
- Hey, lookie there. You're loaded.
- Okay.
Hey, look who's over there.
Miss Cool Toes.
Check this out, Jack.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Look at you. What's this?
- It's an eye patch.
- You look like a pirate.
I wanna be a pirate.
- This is Gary.
- How are you doing?
Well, I tell you, there's
only one problem.
Can't see on your right side?
No. It's itchy.
- Nice car.
- Yeah.
Once belonged to Jon Voight.
- Really?
- Sure did.
So, what made you just call
me out of the blue like that?
Oh, well, Gary told me you said hi.
- I didn't say hi.
- You didn't?
No, I told him to send you my regards.
I didn't say hi.
- Regards?
- Yeah, regards.
Anyway, I admit I was dumb
to go to the bookstore...
to tell him I didn't say hi,
but he didn't have to act so smug.
Oh, I hate smugness.
Don't you hate smugness?
Smugness is not a good quality.
Oh, my God, that man over there.
I think he's wearing glasses that look
like Jake's. Pull over. Stop the car.
Here. I think I've got a way
of getting back at my ex-boyfriend.
Good. Revenge is very good.
Excuse me.
- Excuse me. Excuse me. Sir, sir?
- Yeah.
If you don't mind my asking, could you
tell me where you got your glasses?
- Malaysia.
- Malaysia?
Yeah.
Look, I know this'll sound odd,
but can I buy them from you?
Actually, I was gonna buy a new pair.
But I can barely see without these.
- Come on.
- Well, these were expensive.
Let's start the bidding.
So you didn't think this was a date?
No, not really. Why? Is it a date?
I thought it was a date.
No, it's not a date.
- What about the regards?
- Regards don't mean anything.
I mean, it's not like I said hi.
I mean, the fact is...
- I shouldn't say anything.
- No, tell me.
- Can you keep a secret?
- Me? Oh, yeah.
I never had feelings for Gary
until he got sick.
But he was so brave and gained
such a wonderful perspective on life.
I fell in love with him.
Yeah, he's got some
perspective there.
- Hey, you know what the whip does?
- What whip?
The whip in the Senate
and the House.
Well, in the old days when
the senators didn't vote...
the way that the party leaders
wanted them to, they whipped them.
"You better vote the way we want you
to, or there's gonna be big trouble."
She won't talk to anyone, huh?
Oh, no, she won't say a word
to anybody.
Well, she's talking
a blue streak now, Jack.
Well, well, the white whale.
Oh, look at this. There's no
place to park around here.
I don't know why
they even sell cars here.
Don't complain.
At least you have your health.
George, watch out for that man!
Hey, hey, get back here.
Newman? The white whale.
Can you believe he sold
his glasses on the street?
Can you believe someone would lie
about chemotherapy to get a wig?
- Would you do that?
- No, definitely not.
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.
Know what else? He picked
up that woman in the coffee shop.
- The one who sits by herself?
- Yeah.
- How?
- Because he was brimming...
- with confidence from the toupee.
- Really?
Debby told me she fell in love with
him because he has perspective.
She thinks a guy who lies
about an illness...
so he can get some phony hair
has perspective?
- He picked her up?
- Walked right over to her table.
Wow.
Jake. Jake, take a look.
See? You're not the only one who
has them. I have them too.
- Where did you get those?
- Malaysia. I was in the area.
- Kramer.
- Just drive.
All right. Now you listen,
and you listen good.
I know who you are.
You're the scofflaw.
- What are you talking about?
- Don't play dumb. It's me, Cosmo.
All right, so it's me. So what?
You don't think I know how you're
feeling every second of the day?
Looking over your shoulder to see
if someone's coming up...
sitting alone at night knowing
they could be closing in.
- I can't sleep, I tell you. I can't sleep.
- Of course you can't, you poor sap.
- Why didn't you tell me?
- I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.
So you've been living this secret
by yourself?
- It's been awful.
- Yeah.
I wanted to tell somebody.
- Help me, Kramer. Help me.
- All right, I'm gonna help you.
I'll try some on, we'll see
how they look. It's just hair.
Ever see what that
looks like in the back?
You got natural curls
on the bottom...
and that big phony mat
coming down on top of it.
Some look good. The ones that
look good, you don't know about.
What if you got involved with a
woman? How do you tell her?
The way they make them,
I'll never have to tell her.
So you keep it a secret
your whole life?
Then at your funeral, the mortician
comes out, "Mrs. Costanza...
I thought you might want this."
It's no secret that it's my dream
to have my own publishing house.
If this Jake Jarmel book does, you
know, what I think it's gonna do...
if I can get this whole thing off
the ground, then...
- I think I'll have something for you.
- Oh, Mr. Lippman.
That is so exciting. I mean,
you have no idea...
how sick I am of running
around town looking for socks.
By the way, those are great glasses.
- Oh, really, you like them?
- Very unusual.
- Well, you know what?
- What?
- You can have them.
- No, no.
No, no. Go to that
place on the corner.
They'll change the prescription
in an hour. Take them.
- Really?
- I have no use for them.
- Honestly.
- I could use...
- a new pair of reading glasses.
- They're from Malaysia.
- Oh, yeah?
- Fabulous.
Well, Mr. Newman, in all
my years on the bench...
I have never come across
anything quite like this.
I have given this matter some serious
consideration, and I've decided that...
what's best for the city and possibly
yourself, is for you to keep your car...
in a garage that is conveniently
located next to your home.
I can't afford that.
Afford it you will, Mr. Newman...
or this court will see that your car
is impounded and sold at auction.
Well, don't you worry, Your Honor.
He's in my custody.
Well, what do you think?
I really can't say.
- No, say. I want you to say.
- It's not good, okay?
It's not good.
You look...
stupid.
I'm sorry.
You have to realize this has not
been custom-fitted to his scalp.
I really think this looks pretty good.
Why not get white shoes,
move to Miami Beach...
and get the whole thing over with?
Maybe you could
show me something else.
As I said, it'll be different once we
design something specifically for you.
But I don't think your friend
here is being very helpful.
Oh, hey. I'm being helpful.
I am the only one being helpful.
I don't think you're being helpful!
You're being disruptive.
You make it difficult for your friend
to improve his life.
I'm preventing him from
becoming one of those guys...
people snicker at
because they look ridiculous.
No offense to you personally.
You people with hair think
you're so superior.
You have no idea what it's like.
You ever look in the tub
and see a fistful of hair?
Start your day with that!
All right. Take it easy.
Take it easy.
I'm sorry.
Please.
Hey, Jerry.
George, you decided to get a rug.
Good for you, Jack.
Well, I'm just looking, really.
Tommy, I'm gonna
need a little adjustment.
I'll be right with you.
Listen, George,
I got some bad news.
I'm not gonna be able
to give you that parking space.
- What?
- What?
This judge has to use it
for some scofflaw.
And you know,
you can't fight city hall.
You know, Gary...
I had a little chat with
George the other day.
- You didn't!
- I did.
And he told me that...
- I'm not 100 percent recovered yet.
- Give me that thing.
How's your life? All right?
Yeah, not bad at all.
And now, ladies and
gentlemen of the press...
it is my pleasure to introduce
you to Mr. Jake Jarmel.
So, Jake, what's your
percentage on this book?
Actually, I have some very
interesting information on that.
- You know, this is a co-venture...
- Where did you get those?
- And as such it...
- Those glasses.
- Where did you get those glasses?
- Where?
Is this supposed to be
some kind of a joke on me?
Because it's not very funny.
Give me those.
- I want the glasses. Give me those.
- Wait. Calm down.
- Give me those.
- Don't touch me!
I'm gonna go look for some socks.
with eyeglasses...
seems to be that strap that connects
so you can take them on and off...
which I don't get because if you
have glasses, isn't that because...
you need to wear glasses?
"You need glasses."
Isn't that what they say?
An eye doctor doesn't say:
"Would you care for some glasses?"
People with crutches don't
have a chain attached to their belt...
so they can just let go
of them every now and then.
Why not get a toupee with a
rubber band for water-skiing?
The thing could just....
Hey, George.
Gary?
Where the hell have you been?
I've been leaving
messages for months.
- I know, I've been busy.
- Don't give me busy.
Who's not busy? I'm busy.
We're all busy. Everybody's busy.
All right. Tell me.
What's kept you so busy?
Mostly chemotherapy.
Hey, I'll see you.
Hey, pig!
Hey, hey, hey!
So you called the cop a pig?
I was yelling at the litterbug.
I mean, this is my town.
You don't throw trash
on the streets of my town.
So, didn't you explain that
to the cop?
No, I fled the scene.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Kramer, I need to talk
to Jerry privately.
What about?
- Kramer.
- Oh, come on, George...
you can share it with me.
- You're hurting me.
- You gonna share with me next time?
- Sure. I swear.
- All right. I'm looking forward to it.
All right, I got news. You ready?
- Gary Fogel had cancer.
- Oh, yeah, I knew.
- You knew? How did you know?
- He told me a few months ago.
Why did he tell you and not me?
- I don't know.
- How are you closer to him than me?
- So is he okay?
- Oh, yeah, he's fine.
He was in bad shape
for a while, though.
Really? How bad?
Was he on his deathbed?
No, he was on his regular bed.
So why didn't you tell me?
- He swore me to secrecy.
- So?
It's not like you're my wife.
I still think you should've told me.
You were better off not knowing.
It's not easy to deal with
someone in a situation like this.
I was so nice to him l
almost made myself sick.
I'm gonna talk to him about this.
That's right. You let him have it.
Who is he not to tell you
about his life-threatening illness?
- That's what I'm saying.
- His illness is your business.
- If not mine, whose?
- If not now, when?
Were you just talking about me?
No, an old friend of ours, Gary.
Oh, the guy with cancer?
You told her? She's not your wife.
If I told you, you would've
given it away.
- You don't think I can keep a secret?
- No, but he would have read your face.
- You don't trust my poker face?
- Do you ever win at poker?
No.
Hey. Oh, I just saw your
old boyfriend on TV.
- Jake Jarmel?
- Yeah.
I like those glasses he was wearing.
Where'd he get those?
- Why? You don't wear glasses.
- I know.
But I need a new look.
I'm stagnating.
I have to say, as a glasses-wearer,
I take exception to that.
That's like me buying a wheelchair
to cruise around in.
Yeah, I've considered that.
Look, how do I get in touch
with this guy?
He's having a two-day book signing
at Walden's.
You know, we had
a really bad breakup.
The Jujyfruits?
Yeah, the Jujyfruits.
Okay, K-Man.
- Enjoy the book.
- Thank you. Listen, Jake...
where did you get
those eyeglass frames?
- I can't tell you.
- You don't know where?
Yes, I do, but I don't want
anyone else to have them.
Well, that's peculiar.
Oh, there's that woman that
never talks to anybody.
Really?
Every day she comes in and reads.
Never talks to anybody.
Oh, I spoke to Debby Biblow.
She said to say hi.
Really?
Gary, I really have to say
I'm a little bit hurt...
that you didn't decide
to confide in me.
Well, frankly, you can't
keep a secret.
You know, you'd get two pair,
the whole table knows.
Well, I still think it was wrong.
I'm sorry. All right?
I guess I was just thinking of myself.
Yes.
So I called the litterbug a pig.
Not you.
I like policemen.
I wanted to be a policeman.
Yeah, so why didn't you?
I'm scared of being shot.
Mr. Kramer, let me tell you a story.
In 1979, I ticketed a brown Dodge
Diplomat for parking in a church zone.
That fine was never paid.
And since then, that scofflaw has
piled up more parking tickets...
than anyone in New York City.
For 16 years I pursued him...
only to see him give me
the slip time and time again.
I've never got
a clean look at his face...
but he's become my white whale.
Mr. Kramer, that day was yesterday.
But thanks to you, I don't know if
I'll every get that chance again.
I like that eye patch.
All right. I'm gonna move my car.
My meter's up.
- You can't park in this city.
- Hey.
George, you know that
company I work for?
They own the parking lot
around the corner.
- Oh, that's a Kinney lot?
- Yeah. There's a space opening and...
I could get it for you.
You'd just pay tax.
It'd be, like, 50 a month.
Fifty bucks a month?
That's incredible.
Okay. Thanks.
I got lunch, all right?
Still owe me a secret.
All right, there is something
I haven't told you.
- Yeah?
- But you can't tell Jerry.
What do you think, I tell Jerry
everything? It's not like he's my wife.
Okay. Well...
the thing is I've been living a lie.
Just one? I'm living, like, 20.
What's yours?
Well, l....
I never actually had cancer.
I'll see you.
So he refused to tell you
where he got the glasses?
Flat out refused.
Yeah, isn't that just like him?
You know, he has to be
the only one who has them.
Yeah, tell me about it, soul sister.
- Anyway, I told Jake that you said hi.
- What?
- You told Jake I said hi?
- Yeah.
I can't believe you did that.
Why did you tell him I said hi?
I never said hi. When did I say hi?
- I never heard her say hi.
- It's common courtesy.
No, no, Kramer. You don't understand.
He made the last contact between us.
I had the upper hand in the
post-breakup relationship.
If he thinks that I said hi,
then I lose the upper hand.
It's like a game of tag.
- Where are you going?
- Nowhere.
You're going to the bookstore
to see Jake.
- So what if I do?
- Listen...
if you're going, you can get him to
tell you where he got those glasses.
Elaine!
Hey.
- How'd it go with Gary?
- Fine. Fine.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Looks like something's on your mind.
- No, nothing. I'm fine.
So that's your poker face.
- A regular face.
- No, it isn't.
I've seen your regular face.
That is not it.
What are you saying?
All right, George, come on.
What do you got?
- I got nothing.
- What do got? A pair of bullets?
What are you talking about?
Two pair? Three of a kind?
- Will you stop it?
- Oh, my God. You got a flush.
- You're holding a flush.
- I don't have a flush.
A full house?
You got a full house?
Turn them over, George. I wanna
see them. Come on. I'm calling.
- What do you got?
- Gary Fogel never had cancer!
So you see, Kramer took it upon
himself to say hi to you for me...
when in fact, it was
an unauthorized hi.
- You didn't say hi?
- That's what I'm saying.
- That's what you came to tell me?
- Correct.
- You never said hi.
- Correct.
- You still like me, don't you?
- Correct. What?
Hey, I have been trying to get
this book signed all day.
How can you say that I still like you
when I didn't even say hi to you?
Coming down to say
that you didn't say hi...
is more of a gesture
than if you did say hi.
Jake....
The doctors thought
he had cancer...
but the surgery revealed
he never actually had it.
- So, what was wrong with him?
- Nothing.
He's been lying to me
for two months?
- That's right.
- What kind of person is this?
There's one other person who might
do something like this, and that's you.
- Well....
- I don't even think you could do it.
No, I could do it.
- Yeah, I guess you could.
- Come on.
He was so worried about losing
more hair with chemo treatments...
I bought him an unlimited gift
certificate at the Hair Team For Men...
just to put his mind at ease?
- You did that?
- Yeah!
- Oh, I can't wait to talk to this guy.
- Wait! You can't say anything.
- Why not?
- Because he'll know I told you.
Besides, he's giving me a parking spot
around the corner for nothing.
So because you're
getting free parking...
I gotta pretend
this guy had cancer?
Yeah.
Well, I don't like it.
I don't like it one bit. And
I'm supposed to see him tomorrow.
Maintain the same disposition.
You can't act any differently.
You have to be nice.
- Why didn't he tell me?
- Because you were being so nice.
- I don't think I could be that nice.
- You be nice!
Gary?
What do you think?
Check it out.
- Is that from my gift certificate?
- Yeah, buddy.
You came through.
You've been so nice.
Yeah, well, I'm glad you could
take advantage.
Yeah. Hey, know what
I'm thinking of doing?
I'm getting rid of all my fillings
because that mercury's toxic.
- Hey, let me see your fillings.
- I don't think so.
Oh, come on. Open up.
Let me take a look.
You be nice.
He's giving me a parking space.
Parking space. Parking space.
Well, what do you know.
- Hey, lookie there. You're loaded.
- Okay.
Hey, look who's over there.
Miss Cool Toes.
Check this out, Jack.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Look at you. What's this?
- It's an eye patch.
- You look like a pirate.
I wanna be a pirate.
- This is Gary.
- How are you doing?
Well, I tell you, there's
only one problem.
Can't see on your right side?
No. It's itchy.
- Nice car.
- Yeah.
Once belonged to Jon Voight.
- Really?
- Sure did.
So, what made you just call
me out of the blue like that?
Oh, well, Gary told me you said hi.
- I didn't say hi.
- You didn't?
No, I told him to send you my regards.
I didn't say hi.
- Regards?
- Yeah, regards.
Anyway, I admit I was dumb
to go to the bookstore...
to tell him I didn't say hi,
but he didn't have to act so smug.
Oh, I hate smugness.
Don't you hate smugness?
Smugness is not a good quality.
Oh, my God, that man over there.
I think he's wearing glasses that look
like Jake's. Pull over. Stop the car.
Here. I think I've got a way
of getting back at my ex-boyfriend.
Good. Revenge is very good.
Excuse me.
- Excuse me. Excuse me. Sir, sir?
- Yeah.
If you don't mind my asking, could you
tell me where you got your glasses?
- Malaysia.
- Malaysia?
Yeah.
Look, I know this'll sound odd,
but can I buy them from you?
Actually, I was gonna buy a new pair.
But I can barely see without these.
- Come on.
- Well, these were expensive.
Let's start the bidding.
So you didn't think this was a date?
No, not really. Why? Is it a date?
I thought it was a date.
No, it's not a date.
- What about the regards?
- Regards don't mean anything.
I mean, it's not like I said hi.
I mean, the fact is...
- I shouldn't say anything.
- No, tell me.
- Can you keep a secret?
- Me? Oh, yeah.
I never had feelings for Gary
until he got sick.
But he was so brave and gained
such a wonderful perspective on life.
I fell in love with him.
Yeah, he's got some
perspective there.
- Hey, you know what the whip does?
- What whip?
The whip in the Senate
and the House.
Well, in the old days when
the senators didn't vote...
the way that the party leaders
wanted them to, they whipped them.
"You better vote the way we want you
to, or there's gonna be big trouble."
She won't talk to anyone, huh?
Oh, no, she won't say a word
to anybody.
Well, she's talking
a blue streak now, Jack.
Well, well, the white whale.
Oh, look at this. There's no
place to park around here.
I don't know why
they even sell cars here.
Don't complain.
At least you have your health.
George, watch out for that man!
Hey, hey, get back here.
Newman? The white whale.
Can you believe he sold
his glasses on the street?
Can you believe someone would lie
about chemotherapy to get a wig?
- Would you do that?
- No, definitely not.
I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.
Know what else? He picked
up that woman in the coffee shop.
- The one who sits by herself?
- Yeah.
- How?
- Because he was brimming...
- with confidence from the toupee.
- Really?
Debby told me she fell in love with
him because he has perspective.
She thinks a guy who lies
about an illness...
so he can get some phony hair
has perspective?
- He picked her up?
- Walked right over to her table.
Wow.
Jake. Jake, take a look.
See? You're not the only one who
has them. I have them too.
- Where did you get those?
- Malaysia. I was in the area.
- Kramer.
- Just drive.
All right. Now you listen,
and you listen good.
I know who you are.
You're the scofflaw.
- What are you talking about?
- Don't play dumb. It's me, Cosmo.
All right, so it's me. So what?
You don't think I know how you're
feeling every second of the day?
Looking over your shoulder to see
if someone's coming up...
sitting alone at night knowing
they could be closing in.
- I can't sleep, I tell you. I can't sleep.
- Of course you can't, you poor sap.
- Why didn't you tell me?
- I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.
So you've been living this secret
by yourself?
- It's been awful.
- Yeah.
I wanted to tell somebody.
- Help me, Kramer. Help me.
- All right, I'm gonna help you.
I'll try some on, we'll see
how they look. It's just hair.
Ever see what that
looks like in the back?
You got natural curls
on the bottom...
and that big phony mat
coming down on top of it.
Some look good. The ones that
look good, you don't know about.
What if you got involved with a
woman? How do you tell her?
The way they make them,
I'll never have to tell her.
So you keep it a secret
your whole life?
Then at your funeral, the mortician
comes out, "Mrs. Costanza...
I thought you might want this."
It's no secret that it's my dream
to have my own publishing house.
If this Jake Jarmel book does, you
know, what I think it's gonna do...
if I can get this whole thing off
the ground, then...
- I think I'll have something for you.
- Oh, Mr. Lippman.
That is so exciting. I mean,
you have no idea...
how sick I am of running
around town looking for socks.
By the way, those are great glasses.
- Oh, really, you like them?
- Very unusual.
- Well, you know what?
- What?
- You can have them.
- No, no.
No, no. Go to that
place on the corner.
They'll change the prescription
in an hour. Take them.
- Really?
- I have no use for them.
- Honestly.
- I could use...
- a new pair of reading glasses.
- They're from Malaysia.
- Oh, yeah?
- Fabulous.
Well, Mr. Newman, in all
my years on the bench...
I have never come across
anything quite like this.
I have given this matter some serious
consideration, and I've decided that...
what's best for the city and possibly
yourself, is for you to keep your car...
in a garage that is conveniently
located next to your home.
I can't afford that.
Afford it you will, Mr. Newman...
or this court will see that your car
is impounded and sold at auction.
Well, don't you worry, Your Honor.
He's in my custody.
Well, what do you think?
I really can't say.
- No, say. I want you to say.
- It's not good, okay?
It's not good.
You look...
stupid.
I'm sorry.
You have to realize this has not
been custom-fitted to his scalp.
I really think this looks pretty good.
Why not get white shoes,
move to Miami Beach...
and get the whole thing over with?
Maybe you could
show me something else.
As I said, it'll be different once we
design something specifically for you.
But I don't think your friend
here is being very helpful.
Oh, hey. I'm being helpful.
I am the only one being helpful.
I don't think you're being helpful!
You're being disruptive.
You make it difficult for your friend
to improve his life.
I'm preventing him from
becoming one of those guys...
people snicker at
because they look ridiculous.
No offense to you personally.
You people with hair think
you're so superior.
You have no idea what it's like.
You ever look in the tub
and see a fistful of hair?
Start your day with that!
All right. Take it easy.
Take it easy.
I'm sorry.
Please.
Hey, Jerry.
George, you decided to get a rug.
Good for you, Jack.
Well, I'm just looking, really.
Tommy, I'm gonna
need a little adjustment.
I'll be right with you.
Listen, George,
I got some bad news.
I'm not gonna be able
to give you that parking space.
- What?
- What?
This judge has to use it
for some scofflaw.
And you know,
you can't fight city hall.
You know, Gary...
I had a little chat with
George the other day.
- You didn't!
- I did.
And he told me that...
- I'm not 100 percent recovered yet.
- Give me that thing.
How's your life? All right?
Yeah, not bad at all.
And now, ladies and
gentlemen of the press...
it is my pleasure to introduce
you to Mr. Jake Jarmel.
So, Jake, what's your
percentage on this book?
Actually, I have some very
interesting information on that.
- You know, this is a co-venture...
- Where did you get those?
- And as such it...
- Those glasses.
- Where did you get those glasses?
- Where?
Is this supposed to be
some kind of a joke on me?
Because it's not very funny.
Give me those.
- I want the glasses. Give me those.
- Wait. Calm down.
- Give me those.
- Don't touch me!
I'm gonna go look for some socks.