Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 12 - The Label Maker - full transcript

Loyalty to any one sports team
is pretty hard to justify...

because the players are always
changing. The team can move.

You're actually rooting for the clothes
when you get right down to it.

I mean, you are standing
and cheering and yelling...

for your clothes to beat
the clothes from another city.

Fans will be so in love
with a player...

but if he goes to another team,
they boo him.

This is the same human being
in a different shirt.

They hate him now.

Boo.

Different shirt.



Boo.

Sure you don't want the tickets?

- No.
- I can't believe I'm having trouble...

- getting rid of Super Bowl tickets.
- I'm telling you, skip the wedding.

- Go to the game.
- I can't.

The Drake put me
in the wedding party.

Well, who schedules his wedding
on Super Bowl Sunday?

- Maybe he didn't know.
- Let me see.

I can't believe you got these for free.
What? Row F?

Row F.

In front of the G's.
Hobnobbing with the D's and E's.

- How about Kramer or Elaine?
- Elaine laughed at me.

Kramer's interested
in Canadian football.

Well, wish I could help you.



Come on, take them.
You could take Bonnie.

You paying my hotel
and airfare to Miami?

- What do you think?
- In order to use these...

I gotta spend, like, 1500 bucks.

This is a bill for $1500.

Plus, she'd ask about
the sleeping arrangements.

I find sleeping-arrangement
conversations depressing.

Yeah. Sleeping arrangements.

- So you haven't...?
- Oh, no, no, no.

I haven't even seen her apartment yet.
Tomorrow night's the first night.

Hey, hey. Is that Tim Whatley?

- The dentist?
- Is he mad at you for crashing...

- his Thanksgiving party?
- No. I explained it to him.

- He was fine with it.
- Oh, good.

Yeah. I blamed it on you.

- Hi, Tim.
- Hey, Jerry.

George. What are you up to?

Oh, just a couple gals out on the town,
shopping and gabbing.

I'm getting a makeover.

Hey, how'd you like
to go to the Super Bowl?

- What, are you kidding?
- Here. Two tickets. Have a good time.

How can I thank you?
I'll take you to dinner sometime.

- You ever been to Mendy's?
- No. No, no. No dinner.

Tim, you didn't have to get me
a thank-you gift.

I know. It's a label maker.

The Label Baby Junior.

Yeah, I hear they're good.

Well, label me thankful.

Okay. Well, you enjoy those tickets.

Bye-bye.

Yeah?

Come in.

Hey, where can I put this?

- What is it?
- It's Risk, Jerry.

The game of world conquest.

- All right, that's perfect.
- Kramer, why do you have to...?

Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry. Will he take it?
I gotta go to work.

- Take what?
- The board, Jerry.

We've been playing at Newman's
for six hours, but he's gotta go.

- Why not leave it at Newman's?
- I wanted to. He won't let me.

We have to put the board in a neutral
place where no one will tamper with it.

- So that's here?
- Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland.

I don't wanna be Switzerland.

Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in
an epic struggle for world domination.

It's winner take all.
People cannot be trusted.

- Don't look at me.
- I'm looking right at you, big daddy.

- All right, soldier boys. Let's fall out.
- Yeah.

- All right, you're gonna look after it?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Stay strong. Watch it good.
- Yeah. Okay.

- Hey, hey.
- Hey. Hey.

Hey.

- Oh, is that a label maker?
- Yes, it is. I got it as a gift.

It's a Label Baby Junior.

Love the Label Baby, baby.

You know, those things
make great gifts.

I just got one for Tim Whatley
for Christmas.

- Tim Whatley?
- Yeah. Who sent you that one?

One Tim Whatley.

No. My Tim Whatley?

The same. He sent it as a thank you
for my Super Bowl tickets.

I think this is the same one
I gave him.

He recycled this gift.

He's a re-gifter.

Or maybe he liked your gift so much,
he decided to get me the same thing.

Perhaps it's an homage.

Yeah, perhaps.

Well, how did he react
when you gave it to him?

He said, "Oh, a label maker.
How about that."

- He repeated the name of the gift?
- Yeah. So?

Well, if you repeat the name
of the gift, you can't possibly like it.

What do you mean?

Like when someone
opens something and goes:

"Oh, tube socks."

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

I guess I'll just get invited
up to his apartment...

- and see if he's got a label maker.
- Why did you get him a gift?

He did some dental work for me
and didn't charge.

So I got him a Christmas present.

Yeah, well, if you're getting him
anything for his birthday, I'm a large.

Well, here we are.
This is the place.

You like it?

I love it. This is fantastic.

Look at this couch. Is this velvet?

Are you a velvet fan?

A fan?

I would drape myself in velvet
if it were socially acceptable.

Look at this. Hardwood floors.

Aren't they great?
Oh, Scott, hi.

This is George.

- Nice to meet you.
- This is Scott, my roommate.

- Hey.
- Here. Check out this view.

If you lean out this window,
you can see the river.

So Scott's your roommate, huh?

Yes. I'm sure I've mentioned him.

No, I don't think
you mentioned him, no.

He's a great guy.
You'll really like him.

I'm sure I will.

- Male roommate.
- Yes, a male roommate.

- And this is a problem?
- It's a huge problem, Jerry.

The hardest part
about having sex with a woman...

is getting her to come back
to your place. He's already got that.

- Well, maybe he's...
- No, believe me, he's not.

- So he's an eligible receiver.
- Right.

She's confiding in him
about our dates.

You always like the person you talk to
about the date more than the date.

It's just a matter of time until they
realize, "Hey, we could have sex."

- What's stopping them?
- Exactly.

You know how they get animals
to reproduce?

They just put them
in the same cage.

- What does he look like?
- That's the worst part.

He looks just like me.

He looks like you,
and he's working from the inside?

I look like me,
and I'm working from the outside.

- Who is in the better position?
- Not you.

This bizarre
Harrad Experiment must end.

We'll take our check, please.

I gotta find a way to work this out.
I love that apartment.

It's so cozy.
I'm ensconced in velvet.

- If it was socially acceptable...
- I know.

You would drape yourself
in velvet.

- I've said that before?
- Many times.

You love velvet.
You wanna live in velvet.

Everything with the velvet.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Guess what.

- I saw Newman talking to the super.
- So what?

The super has keys
to your apartment.

Don't you see what's going on?

Newman is planning
a sneak attack.

Oh, maybe he's got no hot water.

Yeah. All right, fine.
You sit there and you watch...

while Newman takes over the world,
but he'd be a horrible leader.

And you know who's gonna suffer?
The little people.

You and George.

- Are you through?
- All right. Fine.

I talked to Arthur Jobania.

- The Drake's wedding. That's off.
- The wedding is off?

- What happened?
- The Drake...

he found out that the wedding
is on the same day as the Super Bowl.

So he wanted to postpone it.

They got in a big argument
and... it's over.

The wedding is off.
You can go to the Super Bowl.

I can't call Tim
and ask for the tickets back.

You just gave them to him
two days ago.

He's gotta give you a grace period.

Are you even vaguely familiar
with the concept of giving?

There's no grace period.

Well, didn't he re-gift
the label maker?

- Possibly.
- Well, if he can re-gift...

why can't you de-gift?

- You may have a point.
- I have a point. I have a point.

- All right, I'll call him.
- Yeah.

- What's that?
- Oh, it's Risk.

It's a game of world domination...

being played by two guys
who can barely run their own lives.

Hello, Tim?
Yeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

Hey, remember
those tickets I gave you?

Well, it turns out I can use them.

Oh, you do? I understand.

Okay. Bye.

He already made plans.
He can't change them.

Well, they're his tickets.

- He can do what he wants with them.
- Thanks.

- I'm heading over to Bonnie's.
- What about the roommate?

I gotta try and figure out a way
to switch places with him.

It's like a Siegfried & Roy trick.

The pickle breath is a good start.

Hello, Jerry. May I come in?

What do you want?

Nothing.

Just being neighborly.

You wanna hang out?
Shoot the breeze?

I won't let you cheat.
You're not getting near that board.

Jerry, I'm a little insulted.

You're not
a little anything, Newman.

So just pack it up
and move it out of here.

All right.

Oh, by the way, what are you doing
for the Super Bowl?

I don't know.
Watch it on TV, I guess. Why?

If you watch closely,
you just might see me.

I'll be the one waving to the camera
from my seat on the 40-yard line.

- You're going to the Super Bowl?
- Yes.

A guy on my mail route got
a couple tickets and offered me one.

- What's his name?
- Tim Whatley.

That's my ticket.

Is it?

Well, if only you'd known...

you could have saved some time
and given it directly to me.

Newman.

What a movie. Good choice.

- Thank Scott. He recommended it.
- Oh, Scott, Scott.

He's really great, isn't he?

- Yes, he is.
- Yes, he is.

Let me ask you something.

When you come out of the shower
and put your robe on...

do you cinch it tight?
Are you concerned about that?

George.

Do you hold the neck together...

or are you just letting it flap
in the breeze?

George, you're being ridiculous.

What's the massage situation?

- What do you mean?
- Is there any work being done?

Is there any rubbing, touching, finger
manipulation on the other person?

And if so,
who is making the request?

George, would you just stop.

Say you go into the bathroom
at 2:00 in the morning.

What's the outfit? I mean, are you
dressing up, or is it come as you are?

- George, what is wrong with you?
- I'll tell you what's wrong.

A grown woman
with a male roommate.

It's unnatural. It's an abomination.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How you doing?
- I'm good.

Do you need the bathroom?
I'm gonna jump in the shower.

No. Just throw my bras
out of the way.

Well, this is my building.

Yes, it is.

- This was fun, you know?
- Yeah.

So...

I guess I'll talk to you.

Aren't you gonna
invite me upstairs?

Upstairs? You wanna go upstairs?

I would love to go upstairs.

Elaine, you are something else.

No one could ever
put a label on you, huh?

We'll see.

Newman. He's going with Newman.

How does Tim Whatley
even know Newman?

Newman's his mailman.

Who goes to the Super Bowl
with their mailman?

Who goes anywhere with Newman?

Well, he's merry.

He is merry. I'll give him that.

What's this plant for?

Oh, I had a little tiff with Bonnie
about the roommate.

Well, the cactus
will smooth things over.

Hey. Guess what.

I'm going to the Super Bowl
with Tim Whatley.

- What?
- We went out for coffee...

- and he offered me a ticket.
- But what about the label maker?

Well.

Wait a minute. That's my ticket.
You didn't wanna go.

It was totally out of the blue.

We went upstairs to his apartment
to look for the label maker...

How? Did you say
you had to use the bathroom?

- No.
- Then how did you get up there?

- I said, "Do you wanna go upstairs?"
- And there's your ticket.

- Well.
- What?

That's why you're going
to the Super Bowl.

- Why?
- You go out with a guy one time.

You ask him to go upstairs
like you're Mae West.

Of course he's gonna try
and get you alone for the weekend.

You mean just because
I asked him to go upstairs...

- he thinks he's going downtown?
- Obviously.

- You're crazy.
- Well, what happened upstairs?

As soon as we walked in...

he got a call from one of his patients
with an impacted molar...

so he had to leave.
I didn't look for the label maker.

I don't trust this guy.
I think he re-gifted...

and then de-gifted.
Now he's using an upstairs invite...

as a springboard
to a Super Bowl sex romp.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What are you doing?
- I'm watching your door.

- My door?
- Yeah. From my peephole.

Fisheye. Sees all.

- What was that?
- Newman. Open it. Open it. Open.

Damn.

The bedroom.

Get him.

- I see you, Newman. I see you.
- I'm taking the Congo as a penalty.

I've got a confession to make.

- What's that?
- I've got Super Bowl fever.

- Yeah. Yeah, me too.
- Yeah.

- So where are we staying?
- Oh, the Ambassador.

Big room?

It's a regular room,
but it's right downtown.

- Downtown?
- Right downtown.

What do they have there?
A couple of beds?

Why? You bringing someone else?

No...

but don't you think
there should be two beds?

There's two of us.

Oh, a cactus.

They don't need any water...

so you don't have to keep
taking them to the bathroom.

Well...

look who's here.

I asked Scott to move out.

So she kicked him out
of the apartment?

That's right.

It's just me and her.

She rearranged
her whole life for you.

Yeah, I guess she did.

He's gone. Now I'm the man.

That's not a good role for you.

No, it's not.

You unwittingly made
a major commitment.

That's a lot of pressure.

Oh, my God.

You wanted to be
ensconced in velvet.

You're buried.

I had the perfect situation here.
He was shouldering half the load.

- He was shouldering.
- I couldn't leave well enough alone.

Where you going?

I gotta go help tape up all his boxes
and get them ready for shipping.

Well, here.
Take Whatley's label maker.

- I don't wanna see it again.
- Thanks.

Yeah. I am taking over
South America...

and there ain't nothing
you can do about it.

Too bad about that
Super Bowl ticket, huh, Newman?

Yeah. I just hope
Tim Whatley's electric bills...

don't suddenly
get lost in the mail...

or it could be lights out for him.

Okay. Thanks for
having me over, guys.

Yeah.

- All right, I'll see you later.
- Oh, hey, Jerry.

Tim Whatley. Out scalping?

See, now, I've been thinking a lot
about what happened.

I feel horrible. Listen,
I wanna give you a ticket back.

- Are you serious? What about Elaine?
- Oh, Elaine, yeah.

Well, things just didn't work out
like I thought they would.

Hey, isn't this Kramer's car?

Hey, Cosmo!
They're towing your car.

What?

Not my car!

They're towing my car.

- What are you doing?
- I'm taking the board with me.

Hey.

Hey! Hey, wait!

Wait!

Hey, wait a minute!

Hey!

- So I guess I'll see you at the game.
- Yeah, see you there.

Okay. Good.

Hi, George.

Where...?

What happened? Where's...?
Where's all the stuff?

It's gone. It was all his.

Is this a label maker?

But the table, the stereo, the VCR...
The velvet couch. Where's the velvet?

They were his.

Besides, we don't need
any of those things.

We have each other.

Are you sure you know
where the impound yard is?

Oh, stop stalling. Come on.

I... I can't think.
There's all this noise.

Or is it because I've built
a stronghold around Greenland...

I've driven you out
of Western Europe...

and I've left you teetering
on the brink of complete annihilation?

I'm not beaten yet.
I still have armies in the Ukraine.

Yeah? The Ukraine.

You know what the Ukraine is?
It's a sitting duck.

A road apple, Newman.

The Ukraine is weak.

It's feeble.

I think it's time
to put the hurt on the Ukraine.

I come from Ukraine.
You not say Ukraine weak.

Yeah, we're playing
a game here, pal.

Ukraine is game to you? How about
I take your little board and smash!

Hello, Tim.

- Elaine, hi.
- Don't worry, Tim.

I didn't come by to yell at you.
I didn't come by for that.

I just came by
to pick up my label maker.

I gave you a label maker,
and now I would like to have it back.

But you gave it to me.

But you gave me a ticket
to the Super Bowl.

Hand it over, Whatley.

Okay.

You don't have the label maker,
do you?

- No.
- I knew it.

- You're a re-gifter.
- Oh, yeah. Some gift.

- That thing didn't work at all.
- What?

You put a label on something,
10 minutes later it would peel off.

It was the worst gift I ever got.

Well, I bought it for you...

because you were so nice to me for
not charging me for the dental work.

The way you worked on my filling,
you were so...

So gentle and so caring
and so sensitive.

Oh, Elaine.

H...

G...

F. Seat four.

One, two, three...

Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry.

Tim couldn't make it. He's in love.

- Isn't that wonderful?
- Oh, it's enchanting.

Here's the TV.

I know you wanted to watch
the Super Bowl.

Do you at least have some towels
we could sit on?

It's, like, a four-hour game.

George, Scott's gonna drop by.
He said he never got his boxes.

I'll get the towels.

How am I gonna get out of this?
Think, Costanza. Think!

- Here we are.
- Hey.

Do you know, Bonnie, l...

I just had a pretty wild idea.

- What is it?
- Well, l...

I'm not sure how you
pronounce it or anything, but l...

I believe it's ménage à trois?

What?

- Hi.
- Scott.

Remember what we talked about
the other day?

George is into it.

Oh, really?

Great streak of luck I'm having.

First Kramer almost beats me at Risk,
but I narrowly escape...

and then Tim Whatley
gives me this Super Bowl ticket.

Can you move over at all?

And then...
Then, just as I'm about to go...

these boxes show up
at the post office with no labels.

No labels, Jerry.
You know what that means?

Freebies!

I got this great mini TV and a VCR.

- It's unbelievable.
- An inch.

- Can you move over an inch?
- Oh, come on.