Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 11 - The Switch - full transcript

Elaine loans Mr. Pitt's expensive tennis racket to an executive from Doubleday who hints there may be a job opening for Elaine soon. When the woman injures her arm, Elaine can't quite get the racket back. Jerry's girlfriend never smiles or laughs at his jokes but her roommate laughs at everything he says so he contemplates the switch. George comes up with an idea as to how he might get away with it. George's girlfriend, a model, eats like a horse but never puts on weight. Kramer suggests she might be bulimic. The gang learns Kramer's first name, thanks to his mom Babs.

Tennis is the only sport where
the uniform is what you'd wear...

under your clothes
in any other sport.

You're actually out there
in your underwear.

Unless in the old days,
they would wear those long pants...

and the big heavy sweaters. How
long did it take them to get over that?

We're out here in the hot sun,
running after a ball.

What exactly are we
all dressed up for?

That's why they started
keeping score like that. Point?

You know what? Make it 15.
I'm dying in this sweater here.

Another one got by me?
Take another 10 points.

Let's just get this over with.

- Come on, let's go.
- No, wait. I gotta go in here.

- I gotta pick up Mr. Pitt's racket.
- What's it doing here?

He wanted to have it re-strung.
I need to pick that up.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi.

- Jocelyn Landis from Doubleday.
- Yes.

I interviewed you for a position
a couple of months ago.

Yes. The one I didn't get.

I was watching you play.

Oh, I'm not very good.

No, you exhibited
a lot of grace out there.

- Really? Grace?
- Yes. So have you found anything yet?

- No. Not really.
- You know, you should keep in touch.

Something may be opening up
in a few weeks.

Is that a Bruline?

Oh, Bruline. Newman's got
the same one.

- Newman plays tennis?
- He's fantastic.

Would you mind if I tried this out?

No. Take it.

How will you get it back?

Well, I could come by your office
and pick it up tomorrow.

That's so generous of you. Thanks.

- You loaned her Pitt's racket?
- What could I do?

She said there might be something
for me at Doubleday.

Wouldn't that be great? I wouldn't
have to work for Mr. Pitt anymore.

- I gotta get going.
- Oh, okay.

Next time let's play Ping-Pong.
It's easier to jump over the net.


- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Have you noticed
that she never laughs?

- Really?
- Yeah. Think about it.

You're not gonna believe this.
There she is. Check that out.

- You're dating this woman?
- That's right.

George, you're becoming
one of the glitterati.

- What's that?
- You know, people who glitter.

- She's a slim gal.
- Yeah.

And the amazing thing is
she eats like there's no tomorrow.

I've never seen an appetite like this.
Desserts, everything.

- I don't know how she does it.
- Maybe she's bulimic.

- What?
- Bulimic, you know?

- Kramer, she's a model.
- Exactly.

Well, I have noticed she does
tend to go to the bathroom...

- right after we finish eating.
- Yeah.

There you go, monkey boy.
Come on.

That's so good.

How's that?

Aren't you hungry?

Just enjoying watching you.

- So did you like the movie?
- Yeah, it was okay.

Frankenstein didn't seem quite right
to me. I missed the sport jacket.

Not that it was that nice of a jacket.
I mean, it didn't fit him that well.

To me there's just something
about a monster in a blazer.

It shows at least
he's making an effort.

That's funny.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'm so full.

Yes. Full. Love to be full.

Love to just sit back, loosen the old
belt and digest away for hours.

Let those enzymes do their work.

- Will you excuse me?
- Where are you going?

- I just need to freshen up.
- You're fresh.

You're very fresh.
You seem very fresh to me.

You're very vital.
I couldn't take you any fresher.

George, I need to freshen.

George? George? George!

It was unbelievable.
You were right.

The jokes kept bouncing off her
like Superman.

- See? What did I tell you?
- Even when she did like something...

she doesn't laugh.
She says, "That's funny."

"That's funny."

I gotta call that woman
at Doubleday.

See when I can pick up
Mr. Pitt's racket.

How could I be with someone
that doesn't laugh?

It's like....
Well, it's like something.

Hello. Yeah, hi.
Is Miss Landis there, please?


Gosh. Okay. She'll be in later?

Okay. Thank you.

This guy said she hurt her arm
playing tennis.

It's pretty bad.

Well, I heard a noise.

- What noise?
- You know:


From the bathroom.

- You think she was refunding?
- Every time we go out to eat...

the minute we're done,
she's running for the bathroom.

- So you're concerned?
- Elaine, of course I'm concerned.

I'm paying for those meals.

It's like throwing money
down the toilet.

- In a manner of speaking.
- Right.

Let me digest it. Let me get my
money's worth. What would be good...

is if there was someone else
in the bathroom that could tell me.

- Hey, here's your scrubber back, pal.
- Oh, thanks.

Hey, maybe I could bribe
one of those women...

that hand out the towels
in the powder room.

- A matron?
- Yeah.

Well, I can't help you there.

- What?
- Nothing.

- You know a matron?
- Me?

- You.
- No.

- Kramer.
- Look. Just leave me alone.

- Well, what is it?
- Don't make me!

- What?
- No, I can't, all right? I can't.

- Who?
- My mother's a matron!

- Babs?
- Yeah, there. All right? I said it.

You satisfied?
Anything else you wanna know?

Kramer, Kramer, I need to know
if Nina is refunding.

- Look, George, I can't help you.
- Well, why not? Why not?

Let go. Because I haven't talked
to my mother in five years.

We just don't see eye to eye. I don't
even wanna get into my childhood.

I'm still carrying a lot of pain.
A lot of pain.

- Come on, you could really help me.
- I can't.

Kramer, you're gonna have to
face her sometime.


Oh, my goodness. What happened?

I tore my humeral epicondylitis.

The doctor said it may never
fully heal. I may never play again.

- You'll be playing...
- If I can't play tennis...

I don't know what I'll do.

There are plenty of things you can do.
There's chess...

and mahjong.

You don't know how lucky you are
to be healthy.

- And biking and...
- What am I going to do?

Could l...?

If I can't play tennis,
I have no reason to live.

You know, it's not important.
I'm gonna... Okay.

Well, you know, take care
of that condylitis.




- Why didn't you just ask her for it?
- I told you, I couldn't.

The woman was crying about how she
might never play tennis again.

- Yeah.
- Hidee-ho.

Come on up.

Well, when do you have to get
the racket back to Mr. Pitt?

He's got a big match tomorrow
with Ethel Kennedy.

He needs a $300 Bruline
to beat Ethel Kennedy?

He'll only play with his racket.

Why don't you wait till
she's not there on her lunch hour...

- and just take it?
- That's stealing.

Stealing? You loaned her
the racket.

I know.

Hey. So, what happened
with Kramer's mother?

It's all worked out. Nina and l
are gonna have dinner Thursday...

at the restaurant
where Babs works.

- What's she like?
- Oh, she's a Kramer.

And while I was there,
I happened to pick up...

another juicy little nugget
about our friend.

- I'm ready. What?
- Come on. What is it?

- I got the first name.
- What?

You found out Kramer's first name?

- That's right. You ready?
- Yes, we're ready.

I've been trying to get it out of him
for 10 years. What is it?


- Cosmo?
- Cosmo?

- Cosmo.
- Cosmo?


What's so funny?



All right, all right. Okay.

So you know the name now.
The cat is out of the bag.

I gotta hand it to you.

You did a hell of a job
keeping it a secret all these years.

It's not such a bad name.

You know, all my life I've been
running away from that name.

That's why I wouldn't tell anybody.
But I been thinking about it.

All this time
I'm trying not to be me.

I'm afraid to face who I was.
But I'm Cosmo, Jerry.

I'm Cosmo Kramer,
and that's who I'm gonna be.

From now on, I'm Cosmo.

- Yes?
- Hi, is Sandi here?

Oh, hi. You must be Jerry. Sandi's in
the shower. You wanna come in?

Well, I would except
I forgot to bring a towel.

So the roommate laughed
at everything I said.

It was a great-sounding laugh too.
Kind of lilting and feminine.

None of those big, coarse "ha's."

- You know those?
- Oh, yeah.

Hate the big, coarse "ha."
I hate those.

And the worst part
is that she also possessed...

many of the other qualities
prized by the superficial man.

I see.

So as you can see,
I've got a bit of a problem here.

Well, if I hear you correctly,
and I think that I do...

my advice to you
is to finish your meal...

pay your check, leave here and
never mention this to anyone again.

Can't be done, huh?

- The switch?
- The switch.

Can't be done.

I wonder.

Do you realize in the entire history
of Western civilization...

no one successfully accomplished
the roommate switch.

In the Middle Ages you could get
locked up for even suggesting it.

They didn't have roommates
in the Middle Ages.

- How do you know?
- For one thing...

they didn't have apartments.

I'm sure at some point between
the years 800 and 1200 somewhere...

there were two women
living together.

The point is,
I intend to undertake this.

And I'll do it with or without you.
So if you're scared...

if you haven't got the stomach
for this, let's get it out right now.

And I'll go on my own. If not, you can
get onboard, and we can get to work.

Now, what's it gonna be?

All right, damn it, I'm in.

I couldn't do it without you.

All right. Let's get to work.

All right.

That's enough for today.

You're tired. Get some sleep.

- I'll see you first thing in the morning.
- We can't do it. Who are we kidding?

It's impossible. It's true.
You can't do the switch.

Nobody can do the switch.

It was a stupid idea to begin with.
Let's face it.

I'm stuck with the non-laugher,
and that's that.

- We'll come up with something.
- Yeah. Sure we will.

See you tomorrow.

I got it!

All right. Let's go over it again
one more time.

All right. So I tell Sandi
that I wanna have a ménage à trois...

- with her and her roommate.
- That's right.

And you believe this course of action
will have a two-pronged effect.

Firstly, the very mention of the idea
will cause Sandi to recoil in disgust.

Whereupon, she will insist that I
remove myself from the premises.

- Keep going.
- At this point, it is inevitable...

that she will seek out
the roommate...

to apprise her
of this abhorrent turn of events.

- Continue.
- The roommate will then offer...

her friend
the requisite sympathy...

even as part of her cannot help
but feel somewhat flattered...

by her inclusion
in the unusual request.

A few days go by...

and a call is placed at a time when
Sandi is known to be busy at work.

Once the initial awkwardness
is relieved with a little playful humor...

which she, of course,
cannot resist...

an invitation to a friendly dinner
is proffered.

Well, it all sounds pretty good.

There's only one flaw in it.

They're roommates. She'd have to
go out with me behind Sandi's back.

She's not gonna do that.

You disappoint me, my friend.

Sandi wants nothing to do with you.

She tells Laura, "lf you wanna
waste your time with that pervert...

that's your problem."

It's the perfect plan.

So inspired, so devious,
yet so simple.

This is what I do.

Can I help you?

- No. I'm okay.
- Then what are you doing...

- with that racket?
- It's mine.

- Ms. Landis borrowed it.
- I'm sorry. You can't take that.

- No, no, no.
- No, no. I can. I can.

- It's mine. It's my racket.
- Look, I don't know who you are...

- I don't know what you're doing...
- Okay. I'm going. I'm going.

- Not with that racket.
- Give that to me. You give it.

Give it to me.

All right, all right. Forget it. But you
don't have to mention any of this...

- to Miss Landis, do you?
- I don't have to, but I will.

- Hi, Cosmo.
- Hi, Mr. Clotworthy.

- How are you today?
- Couldn't be better.

- Hi, Lorraine.
- Hi, Cosmo.

- My mom, Babs.
- Hi, Mrs. Kramer.

- Lorraine.
- Yes, it's a fine day.

- What do you say, Cosmo?
- Hey, everything, my man.

- What?
- I don't know the exact pronunciation...

but I believe it's "ménage à trois."

That is a wild idea.

You know, Ma, I been thinking.
I want you to quit that matron job.

Yes, well, isn't that just easy
for you to say.

What the hell do you think
I'm gonna do?

Well, maybe we could go into
business together, if you're clean.

I told you I've been clean
for two years.

- Anyway, what would we do together.
- I got plenty of ideas.

I always believed in you, Cosmo.
You know that.

So I want you to call that place today
and tell them that you're through.

- All right, I'll do it.
- Yeah.

- So good.
- So glad.

Excuse me, I've gotta freshen up.

And why shouldn't you?
Be fresh. Stay fresh.

I'll be back.
I'm really not feeling very well.

- Care to see our dessert menu?
- Yeah. Do you know Babs?

Oh, yeah.
I was sorry to hear she left.

- Babs left?
- Yeah. She quit today.

What are you
doing in here, George?

I was just wondering what it was
you wanted for dessert?

How you feeling?

- Hi, Newman.
- Hi, Babs.

What are you doing?

- Minding my own business.
- You can't get into trouble that way.

What makes you think
I'm looking for trouble?

From what I hear, you postmen
don't have to look too far.

Well, you know, sometimes
it just has a way of finding you.


Don't mind if I do.

Kramer. Kramer!

- Hey.
- What happened to Babs?

She never showed up last night.
The whole thing blew up in my face.

That's a shame.

Hey, what happened with Sandi?
I forgot all about it. Did you call her?

Yeah, I did.
In fact, I went over there.

So, what happened?
Did she throw you out?

No, actually, she took it pretty well.

- So, what happened?
- She's into it.

- Into what?
- The ménage.

And not only that,
she just called me.

She told me she spoke
with the roommate...

and the roommate's
into the ménage too.

That's unbelievable.

Oh, it's a scene, man.

Do you ever just get down
on your knees and thank God...

that you know me
and have access to my dementia?

What are you talking about?
I'm not gonna do it.

You're not gonna do it?
What do you mean?

I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.

Are you crazy?

This is like discovering plutonium
by accident.

Don't you know what it means
to become an orgy guy?

It changes everything.
I'd have to dress and act different.

I'd have to grow a mustache
and get all kinds of robes and lotions...

and get a new bedspread,
new curtains.

I'd have to get thick carpeting
and weirdo lighting.

Then I'd have to get new friends.
I'd have to get orgy friends.

No, I'm not ready for it.

If only something like that
could happen to me.

Shut up. You couldn't do it either.

I know.

- Did you get your racket?
- No. I got caught.

- What do you mean, you got caught?
- Her assistant caught me.

I'm probably not gonna get a job.
He's gonna tell Landis...

that I was sneaking
around her office.

I still don't understand
how you can get in trouble...

for taking your own racket.

Meanwhile, Mr. Pitt's got this match
with Ethel Kennedy this afternoon.

- Hey.
- Hey, Cosmo.

- Hi, Cosmo.
- Thanks, buddy.

Hey, doesn't Newman
have a Bruline racket?

Yeah, yeah. But he's on vacation.
Went to Baltimore.

But you got the key
to his place, right?

- Yeah.
- Elaine needs to borrow his racket.

- Just for today.
- All right. Come on.

I'll take you over to Newman's.

Hey, Cosmo! What happened
to your mother last night?

- She hung me out to dry.
- She quit.

It would have been nice
if somebody told me about it.

I just think she could've said
something, that's all.

- Don't talk to me, George. Talk to her.
- Where is she?

I don't know.


- Cosmo.
- I'm sorry. We weren't... We didn't...