Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 6, Episode 14 - Highlights of a Hundred - full transcript

For the series' 100th episode, Jerry Seinfeld hosts a one hour retrospective with clips from previous episodes: the idea for a show about nothing; the smelly car; the puffy shirt; the ...

Oh, hi.

A hundred episodes.

That's a lot. During the course of
which George, Elaine, Kramer and I...

have had many experiences,
both positive and negative.

Well, mostly negative.

There've been some relationships
that haven't worked out...

ambitions that were unfulfilled...

hopes dashed...

some property damage,
hurt feelings....

I know one guy got deported.

Physical injury and....

All right, maybe even
a death or two.

But we've persevered.

Because we're people.

Real TV people.

And for 30 minutes a week...

that's pretty important to us.

So if you're joining us late...

here's some highlights
from what's happened so far.

Why don't they have salsa
on the table?

What do you need salsa for?

Salsa is now the number-one
condiment in America.

Do you know why?

Because people like to say "salsa."

Do you have any salsa?

We need more salsa.
Where is the salsa? No salsa?

You know, it must be impossible
for a Spanish person...

to order seltzer and not get salsa.

I wanted seltzer, not salsa.

Don't you know the difference
between them?

You have the seltzer after the salsa.

This should be the show.
This is the show.

- What?
- This.

Just talking.

Yeah. Right.

No, I'm really serious.
I think that's a good idea.

Just talking?
Well, what's the show about?

It's about nothing.

What's that red dot
on your sweater?

Hey, didn't we come in over there?

I thought we came in over there.

I'm out.

- What?
- Yeah, I'm out.

I'm out of the contest.

- No story?
- No, forget the story.

- You gotta have a story.
- Who says you gotta have a story?

Four. Seinfeld.


That'll be five, 10 minutes.

What, do you smell something?

Do I smell something?
What am I, hard of smelling?

What is it?

I think its BO.

And who's on the show?
Who are the characters?

I could be a character.

- You?
- Yeah. You base a character on me.

It's come to my attention
that you and the cleaning woman...

have engaged in sexual intercourse
on the desk in your office.

- Who said that?
- She did.

Was that wrong?

Should I not have done that?

I got to plead ignorance
on this thing...

because if anyone
had said anything to me...

when I first started here that that
sort of thing was frowned upon....

And who else is on the show?

Elaine could be a character.

I wonder what happened
to my fiancé.

I know he's here somewhere.

I have lost my fiancé,
the poor baby.

Maybe the dingo ate your baby.


The dingo ate your baby.

- Kramer.
- Now, he's a character.

The bus is out of control.

So I grab him by the collar,
take him out of the seat...

get behind the wheel.
Now I'm driving the bus.

- You're Batman.
- Yeah. I am Batman.

Then the mugger, he comes to,
and he starts choking me.

So I'm fighting him off
with one hand...

and I kept driving the bus
with the other, you know?

Then I managed to open the door
and kicked him out the door...

with my foot, you know,
at the next stop.

You kept making all the stops?

Well, people kept ringing the bell!

So everybody I know...

- is a character on the show.
- Right.

My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone!

- Jerry.
- Uncle Leo.


How could you?

- How could I what?
- You were making out...

during Schindler's List?

How long does it take to find a bra?

What's going on in there?

You ask me to get a pair of
underwear, I'm back in two seconds.

You know about the cup sizes
and all?

- They have different cups.
- Yeah, I know about the cups.

You got the A...

the B...

the C...

the D. That's the biggest.

I go out for a quart of milk.

I come home and find
my son treating his body...

like it was an amusement park.

I'm a United States postal worker.

Aren't those the guys
that always go crazy...

and come back with a gun
and shoot everybody?


- Why is that?
- Because the mail never stops.

Every day it piles up more and more
and you gotta get it out...

but more keeps coming in!

Then the bar code reader breaks,
and it's Publishers Clearing House day!

All right, all right, all right.

So you're saying I go into NBC
and tell them...

I got this idea
for a show about nothing.

We go into NBC.

We? Since when are you a writer?

What writer?
We're talking about a sitcom.

You wanna go with me to NBC?

Yeah, we really got something here.

- What do we got?
- An idea.

- What idea?
- An idea for the show.

- I still don't know what the idea is.
- It's about nothing.

- Right.
- Everybody's doing something.

We'll do nothing.

Come on. Let's go do something.
I don't want to just sit around here.

- Wanna get something to eat?
- Where?

I don't care. I'm not hungry.

We could go to one of those
cappuccino places.

They let you just sit there.

What are we gonna do there, talk?

We can talk.

I'll go if I don't have to talk.

Then we'll just sit there.

Oh, that's the astronaut pen. I heard
about that. Where did you get it?

- It was a gift.
- Because a lot of times I write in bed...

and I have to turn and lean on
my elbow to make the pen work.

- Take the pen.
- Oh, no.

- Go ahead.
- I couldn't.

- Take it.
- I can't take it.

- Do me a personal favor.
- I'm not comfortable.

- I cannot take it.
- Take the pen.

- Are you sure?
- I'm positive. Take the pen.

Okay, thank you very much.
Thank you. Gee, boy.

- Jack, what are you doing?
- Stop it.

Jack, we should go.

It was nice meeting you.

- Nice to meet you.
- Thanks again.

Come on!

- This?
- Yeah.

- I agreed to wear this?
- Yeah, yeah.

Well, when did I do that?

When we went to dinner
the other night.

What, are you crazy?

What were you talking about
when I went to the bathroom?

I don't know.
I couldn't understand a word she said.

- I was just nodding.
- There you go.

Where I go?

You mean she was asking me
to wear this ridiculous shirt...

- on national TV, and I said yes?
- Yes, yes. You said it.

I didn't know what she was
talking about. I couldn't hear her.

- Well, she asked you.
- I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV.

I mean, look at it. It looks ridiculous.

Well, you gotta wear it now.

This pirate trend
she's come up with, Jerry....

This is gonna be
the new look for the '90s.

You're gonna be the first pirate.

But I don't wanna be a pirate.

I made a reservation.
Do you have my reservation?

Yes, we do.
Unfortunately, we ran out of cars.

But the reservation
keeps the car here.

That's why you have
the reservation.

- I know why we have reservations.
- I don't think you do.

If you did, I'd have a car.

See, you know how to take
the reservation.

You just don't know how to hold
the reservation.

And that's really the most important
part of the reservation, the holding.

Anybody can just take them.

I think I can sum up the show
for you with one word:


- Nothing?
- Nothing.

What does that mean?

What did you do today?

- I got up and came to work.
- There's a show. That's a show.

How is that a show?

Well, maybe something happens
to you on the way to work.

No. No! No! Nothing happens!

Well, something happens.

- Well, why am I watching it?
- Because it's on TV.

Not yet.

I'm telling you, she's good-looking.

- What about the body?
- Good body. Nice body.

- How nice?
- Nice. Pretty nice.

- Really good?
- Really, very nice and good.

- What about personality?
- Good personality.

Funny. Bright.

I don't want anyone
smarter than me.

How could she
be smarter than you?

He's a really, really funny guy.

What does he look like?

- Pardon?
- What does he look like?

Well, he's got a lot of character
in his face.

He's short. He's stocky.

He's fat.

Is that what you're saying,
that he's fat?


He is so powerful. He can lift
100 pounds right up over his head.

And, what else? What else?

Oh, right, well....

He's, he's kind of...
Just kind of... Losing his hair.

- He's bald?
- No.

No, no, no. He's not bald.

He's balding.

- So he will be bald?
- Yeah.

Thick, lustrous hair
is important to me.

"Thick, lustrous hair
is important to me."

- Is that what you said?
- Right.

Just clarifying.

Let me ask you this.

If you stick your hand in the hair,
is it easier to get it out?

Do you want to get it out?

Or do you want to not be able
to get it out?

- I'd like to be able to get it out.
- I think you'll get it out.

What about the skin?

I need a good cheek.
I like a good cheek.

She's got a fine cheek.

Is there a pinkish hue?

- A pinkish hue?
- Yes, a rosy glow.

There's a hue.

She's got great eyebrows.
Women kill to have her eyebrows.

Who cares about eyebrows?

Look at you.

Why don't you do something
with your life?

You sit around here all day.
You contribute nothing to society!

The alarm didn't go off.
You're gonna miss the plane, it's 9:15.

- 9:15?
- Yeah. It's 9:15!

We'll never make it.
I'll leave tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Are you crazy?
No. Now, now, let's go.

Let's go. You get dressed,
you get dressed.

I mean, how can I be
with someone like you?

Wouldn't respect myself.

Put your pants on.

- I'll go tomorrow or the next day.
- You have your ticket.

- You have to go now.
- We'll never make it.

- Don't say that.
- Well, it takes 45 minutes to get...

It takes 45 minutes to get there.
That only leaves me five minutes...

- to get to the plane.
- Shut up and pack!

I take it all back! Every word!

I love you!

I love you!

It's not you. It's me.

You're giving me
the "it's not you, it's me" routine?

I invented "it's not you, it's me."
Nobody tells me it's them, not me.

- If it's anybody, it's me.
- All right.

- George, it's you.
- You are damn right it's me.

Elaine, you don't know the first thing
about first base.

Well, I know something
about getting to first base...

and I know you'll never be there.

The way I figure it,
I've already been there.

And I plan on rounding second
tonight at around 11:00.

Well, I'd watch the third-base coach
if I were you...

because I don't think
he's waving you in.

I guess things changed for me
on Tuesday night.

Tuesday night?
What happened Tuesday night?

I saw your act.

My act? What does that
have to do with anything?

Well, to be honest...

it just didn't make it for me.

It's just so much fluff.

What are you saying?
You didn't like my act?

So that's it?

I can't be with someone
if I don't respect what they do.

You're a cashier.

You don't know my name, do you?

- Yes, I do.
- What is it?

It rhymes with a female body part.

What is it?


- I think you're really sick.
- I'm not sick.

You said much sicker things
than me.

I'm leaving.

So where were we?

- I was just leaving.
- Right. You were leaving.

I can't believe you sent a woman
into the sauna to do that?

That was an accident.

I think you're both mentally ill.

And by the way, they're real
and they're spectacular.

Why shouldn't we
be able to do that...

- once in a while if we want to?
- I know.

I mean, really, what is the big deal?

We go in there...

we're in there for a while,
then we come back out here.

That's not complicated.

It's almost stupid if we didn't.

- It's moronic.
- Absurd.


I guess maybe some little
problems could arise.

There are always a few.

I mean, if anything happened...

and we couldn't be friends the way
we are now, that would really be bad.

- Devastating.
- Because this is very good.

And that would be good.

That would be good too.

The idea is to combine the this...

and the that.

But this cannot be disturbed.

Yeah, we just want to take this...

and add that.

But of course, we'd have
to figure out a way...

to avoid the things that
cause the little problems.

Maybe some rules or something.

For example:

Now I call you whenever
I'm inclined, and vice versa.

But if we did that, we might feel...

a certain obligation to call.

Well, why should that be?

I have an idea.

No calls the day after that.


Let's make it a rule.

All right, sir.

- Now, here's another little rule.
- Yeah.

When we see each other now...

we retire to our separate quarters.

But sometimes when people
get involved with that...

they feel pressure...

to sleep over.

When that...

is not really sleep.

Sleep is separate from that,
and I don't see...

why sleep got all tied up
and connected...

with that.

Okay, okay, rule number two:
Spending the night is optional.

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

I slept with Elaine last night.

- Oxygen. I need some oxygen.
- I thought you'd like that.

Oh, this is huge!

- I know.
- All right, okay. Let's go. Details.

- No, I can't give details.
- No details?

I'm not in the mood.

You ask me here to have lunch...

tell me you slept with Elaine...

and then say you're not
in the mood for details.

Now, you listen to me.

I want details,
and I want them right now.

I don't have a job,
I have no place to go.

You're not in the mood?
Well, you get in the mood!

I was at the unemployment office.

I told them I was very close to getting
a job with Vandelay Industries...

and I gave them your phone number.
So when the phone rings...

you have to answer,
"Vandelay Industries."

- I'm Vandelay Industries?
- Right.

- What is that?
- You're in latex.

- Latex.
- Right.

- What do I do with latex?
- I don't know! You manufacture it!

- Right here in this little apartment?
- And what do I say about you?

You're considering hiring me
for your latex salesman.

- I'll hire you as my latex salesman?
- Right.

I don't think so.

Man, I'm telling you this pizza idea
is really gonna happen.

This is the thing where you go and
you have to make your own pizza?

We give you the dough.

You smash it. You pound it.
You fling it up in the air.

And then you get to put your sauce
and sprinkle your cheese.

And then,
you slide it into the oven.

You have to know how to do that.

You can't have people shoving
their arms into a 600-degree oven!

- It's all supervised.
- Oh, well....

Tolstoy used to write
in the village square.

The faces inspired him.

Although, one wonders
if War and Peace would have been...

as highly acclaimed, had it been
published under it's original title...

War... What Is It Good For?

- What?
- Yeah.

Mr. Lippman, it was his mistress
who insisted...

- that he call it War and Peace.
- Elaine, Elaine.

War... What Is It Good For?

Absolutely nothing

If I see her, what do I say
I'm doing here?

To see me. I work in the building.

What do you do?

I'm an architect.

You're an architect?

I'm not?

I don't see architecture
coming from you.

We'll make our choice in a few days
and we'll let you know.

- I have no chance, do l?
- No.

You know I always wanted
to pretend I was an architect.

- What do you do?
- I'm an architect.

Have you designed
any buildings in New York?

Have you seen the new addition
to the Guggenheim?

- You did that?
- Yep, yep.

Really didn't take very long either.

The beauty of my book is,
if you don't have a coffee table...

it turns into a coffee table.

- Is that fabulous?
- Look at this.

What-delay Industries?

- No.
- Vandelay!

Say Vandelay!

No, you're way, way, way off!

- No, say...
- Vandelay! Say...

Vandelay Industries!

No problem, no problem.

And you want to be
my latex salesman.

I think Superman probably has
a very good sense of humor.

I never heard him say anything funny.

He's got super strength, super speed.

I'm sure he's got super humor.

Either you're born with humor,
or you're not. It's not gonna change.

Even if you go
from the red sun of Krypton...

all the way to the yellow sun
of the Earth.

Why? Why would that one area
of his mind...

not be affected
by the yellow sun of the Earth?

I don't know. But he ain't funny.

- What's today?
- It's Thursday.


It feels like Tuesday.

Tuesday has no feel.

Monday has a feel.

Friday has a feel.

Sunday has a feel.

- I feel Tuesday and Wednesday.
- Shut up, the both of you.

You double dipped the chip.

Double dipped?
What are you talking about?

You dipped the chip.
You took a bite...

and you dipped again.

- So?
- It's like putting your whole mouth...

right in the dip.

From now on, when you take a chip
just take one dip and end it.

Could I offer you
something to drink?

Okay, yeah. I'll have a....
Do you have a decaf cappuccino?

I don't think we have that.

Well, that's a little strange.

- Why does that surprise you?
- Well, it's a very popular drink.

- This is an office.
- That's true.

Magellan? You like Magellan?

Oh, yeah. My favorite explorer.
Around the world. Come on.

- Who do you like?
- I like de Soto.

- De Soto? What did he do?
- Discovered the Mississippi.

Oh, like they wouldn't have found
that anyway.

I was talking to this guy,
and I just happened to throw...

my purse on the sofa.

And my diaphragm goes flying out.

So I just froze, you know:

Staring at my diaphragm, you know?
It's just lying there.

So this woman who sold me
this hair thing...

she grabbed it before
the guy noticed, so, I mean...

big deal, right?

So I carry around my diaphragm.
Who doesn't?

I mean, like, it's a big, big secret...

that women carry around
their diaphragms.

You never know when
you're gonna need it.

I hate Keith Hernandez.

- Hate him!
- I despise him.

- Why?
- Why? I'll tell you why.

- Let me tell her.
- You can't...

- You always tell it.
- All right, tell it.

- You just tell it.
- All right.

June 14th, 1987, Mets-Phillies.

We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon
in the right-field stands...

when a crucial Hernandez error
opens the door...

to a five-run Phillies ninth.
Cost the Mets the game!

Our day was ruined.

There was a lot of people waiting
by the players' parking lot.

Now we're coming down the ramp.

Newman was in front of me.

Hernandez was coming toward us.

As he passes us, Newman turns
and says, "Nice game, pretty boy."

Hernandez continued past us
up the ramp.

Then, a second later,
something happened...

that changed us in a very deep
and profound way...

from that day forward.

- What was it?
- He spit on us!

And I screamed out, "I'm hit!"

Then I turned, and the spit ricocheted
off him, and it hit me.

What a story.

Unfortunately, the immutable laws
of physics contradict...

the whole premise of your account.

Allow me to reconstruct this,
if I may, for Ms. Benes...

as I've heard this story
a number of times.

Newman, Kramer,
if you'll indulge me.

According to your story...

Hernandez passes you
and starts walking up the ramp.

Then you say you were struck...

on the right temple.

The spit then proceeds to ricochet...

off the temple, striking Newman
between the third and the forth rib.

The spit then came off the rib...

made a right turn,
hitting Newman in the right wrist...

causing him to drop
his baseball cap.

The spit then splashed off the wrist,

in midair, mind you...

makes a left turn and lands
on Newman's left thigh.

That is one magic loogie.

Story is the foundation
of all entertainment.

And people really have
to care about the characters.

Care? Forget about care. Love.

They have to love them.

Now, get the hell out of my house.

Quiet! You shut up!

At this moment, you're banned
from the store. Banned!

It's a pizza the moment
you put your fists in the dough.

I have a hair on my tongue.

Can't get it off.

You know how much I hate that?

Soup's not a meal.
You're supposed to buy me a meal.

Yeah. Just keep out
of my business, you big ape.

Who you calling "big ape"?

I'm calling you an ape.

All right, break it up.
Come on, you two.

Just cut it out now.

But you put on a pair of shoes
in the New York Public Library, fella.

We had a funny guy with us in Korea.

A tail gunner.

They blew his brains out
all over the Pacific.

There's nothing funny about that.

We will annex Poland by the spring
at any cost!

And our stock will rise high.

You think you're an idiot,
but with all due respect...

I'm a much bigger idiot
than you are.

Don't insult me, my friend.
Remember who you're talking to.

No one's a bigger idiot than me.

Am I a hipster doofus?

- No.
- No.

Said I'm not good-looking enough.

Not good-looking.
Jerry, look at me. Look at my face.

Am I beautiful?
George, am I beautiful?

- You're very attractive.
- Yeah.

Is it possible I'm not as attractive
as I think I am?

We're not gay.

Not that there's
anything wrong with that.

- No, of course not.
- It's fine, if that's who you are.

- Absolutely.
- I mean, I have many gay friends.

- My father's gay.
- Look...

I know what I heard.

- Heard. It was a joke.
- Look, you wanna have sex right now?

Do you wanna have sex
with me right now? Let's go.

Come on! Let's go, baby! Come on!

Hey, come on. Let's go.
I thought we were gonna take a steam.

- No, I don't want any steam.
- No. No steam.

Well, I don't wanna
sit there naked all by myself.

- You've faked?
- On occasion.

- And the guy never knows?
- No.

How can he not know that?

Because I was good.

I guess after that many beers,
he's probably a little groggy anyway.

Well, you didn't know.

What's that?

You didn't know.

- Are you saying...?
- I think I'll have a piece of cake.

- With me?
- Well....

- You faked with me?
- Yeah.

- You faked with me?
- Yes.

- No. You faked it?
- Yes. I faked it.

That whole thing, the whole
production, it was all an act?

Not bad, huh?

What about the breathing, the panting,
the moaning, the screaming?

Fake, fake, fake, fake.

I'm disturbed. I'm depressed.

I'm inadequate. I got it all!

Can't you see what's happened?

I've become George.

Don't say that.

It's true. I'm George.

I'm George.

Tuna on toast, coleslaw...

- cup of coffee.
- Yeah.

No, no, wait a minute.
I always have tuna on toast.

Nothing's every worked out for me
with tuna on toast.

I want the complete opposite
of tuna on toast.

Chicken salad on rye...

untoasted, with a side
of potato salad...

and a cup of tea.

Well, there's no telling
what can happen from this.

Chicken salad's
not the opposite of tuna.

Salmon's the opposite of tuna
because salmon swim...

against the current,
and the tuna swim with it.

Good for the tuna.

George, you know that woman
just looked at you.

So what?
What am I supposed to do?

Go talk to her.

Elaine, bald men with no jobs
and no money...

who live with their parents...

don't approach strange women.

Try the opposite.
Instead of tuna salad...

and being intimidated by women,
chicken salad...

- and going right up to them.
- Yeah, I should do the opposite.

If every instinct you have is wrong...

then the opposite
would have to be right.


I will do the opposite.

I used to sit here and do nothing
and regret it for the rest of the day.

So now I will do the opposite,
and I will do something.

Excuse me.
I couldn't help but notice that...

- you were looking in my direction.
- Oh, yes, I was.

You just ordered
the same exact lunch as me.

My name is George.

I'm unemployed,
and I live with my parents.

I'm Victoria. Hi.

Catch phrases

Boy, these pretzels
are making me thirsty.

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

These pretzels...

are making me thirsty!

Boy, I'm really starting to
dislike the Drake.

Hate the Drake!

You are so good-looking.

You can't believe her.
She's one of these low-talkers.

Because he's a high talker.

He's nice. Bit of a close talker.

How about you, Jerry?

I'm swamped.

You sure? You can examine
the artwork up close.

I don't have a square to spare.

I can't spare a square.

I need hand! I have no hand!

- Newman.
- Newman.

- Newman.
- Hello, Newman.

So you're still master
of your domain.

Yes. Master of my domain.

I am king of the county.

Lord of the manor.

I'm queen of the castle.

- You mean shrinkage.
- Yes.

Significant shrinkage.

So you feel you were shortchanged?


If she thinks that's me, she's under
a complete misapprehension.

Well, so, what's the difference?

- What if she discusses it with Jane?
- Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.

Could you tell her about
the shrinkage factor?

I'm not gonna tell her
about your shrinkage.

Besides, I think women know
about shrinkage.

How do women know
about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

- Elaine.
- Elaine.


- What?
- Do women know about shrinkage?

What do you mean, like laundry?


Like when a man goes swimming,

It shrinks?

Like a frightened turtle.

- Why does it shrink?
- It just does.

I don't know how you guys
walk around with those things.

About the script.

The script. Now, I've read
this thing three times.


And every time I read it....


- Excuse me for a second.
- What?

Would you like a Pepto-Bismol?
I keep them in my wallet.

You think he liked it?

I'm not sure.

The air conditioner!

My mother caught me.

Caught you? Doing what?

You know.

I was alone....

You mean...?

- She caught you?
- Where?

I stopped by the house
to drop the car off...

and I went inside
for a few minutes.

Nobody was there.
They're supposed to be working.

My mother had a Glamour magazine.
I started leafing through it.


- So one thing led to another.
- What did she do?

First she screams, "George,
what are you doing? My God!"

Looked like she was gonna faint.

She started clutching the wall,
trying to hang onto it.

I didn't know whether to keep her
from falling or zip up.

- What did you do?
- I zipped up.

- So she fell?
- Yeah.

Well, I couldn't run over there
the way I was.

- No, I guess you couldn't.
- I wouldn't think so.

So she fell, and then she starts
screaming, "My back, my back!"

I picked her up.
I took her to the hospital.

- How is she?
- She's in traction.

- I'm sorry.
- It's not funny, Elaine.

I know. I'm sorry. It's serious.

Her back went out. She's gotta
be there for a couple days.


I'll tell you this, though:

I am never doing...

that again.

What? You mean in your mother's
house or altogether?

- Altogether.
- Give me a break.

Yeah, right.

- You don't think I can?
- No chance.

- You think you could?
- I could hold out longer than you.

Care to make it interesting?

Sure. How much?

Hundred dollars?

You're on.

Wait a second. Wait a second.
Count me in on this.

You? You'll be out before we
get the check.

I want in on this.

- No, no.
- It's apples and oranges.

- It's different.
- Why? Why?

- Because you're a woman.
- So what?

It's easier for a woman not to do it
than a man. We have to do it.

It's part of our lifestyle.

It's like shaving.

That is such baloney.
I shave my legs.

Not every day.

- You wanna be in?
- Yeah.

You gotta give us odds.
At least 2-1. You gotta put up $200.

No. A thousand.

No. I'll put up 150.

- All right. You're in for 150.
- Okay, 150.

How we gonna monitor this?

Obviously, we all know each
other very well.

I'm sure we'll all feel comfortable within
the confines of the honor system.

All right. Come on.


We have sacrificed everything,
all for the sake of our little...

bubble boy.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, here.

Amazing how many
beautiful women live in New York.

You're as pretty as any of them.
Just need a nose job.

Yankee bean. Yankee bean.

I like my Yankee bean.

In fact, I hate anyone that ever had
a pony when they were growing up.

I had a pony.

Well, I didn't....

When I was a little girl in Poland...

we all had ponies.

My sister had pony.

My cousin had pony.

- So, what's wrong with that?
- Nothing, nothing at all.

He was a beautiful pony,
and I loved him.

Well, I'm sure you did.
Who wouldn't love a pony?

Who wouldn't love a person
that had a pony?

You. You said so.

It's my father's cabin!

I just realized, you never gave
me back the change from the tolls.

So you heard that
I was in a car accident...

and then decided to stop off
for some Jujyfruit?


the counter was right there.

I didn't know she had a pony.

Who figures an immigrant
is gonna have a pony?

I mean, in all the pictures I saw
of immigrants on boats...

coming into New York Harbor...

I never saw one of them
sitting on a pony.

But why would anyone come here
if they had a pony?

Who leaves a country packed with
ponies to go to a non-pony country?

It doesn't make sense.

Now we'll open
the peritoneal cavity...

exposing the body's
internal organs.

- What are you eating?
- Junior Mints.

- You want one?
- No.

Now, I can't see.

Could you get...?

Where'd you get those?

- The machine. You want one?
- No.

- Here. Take one.
- I don't want one.

- They're good.
- I don't want any.

- Just take one.
- No. Stop... Kramer, stop it.

It's a Junior Mint.

Drake's Coffee Cake?

- Snapple?
- No, thanks.

- Snapple?
- No, thanks.

- PEZ?
- No.

A box of Jujyfruits?

- Clark Bar.
- I love Yoo-hoo.

- Oh, Chunkys.
- Chocolate babka.

It's Gore-Tex.

- Cashmere?
- No, Gore-Tex.

Who's gonna turn down
a Junior Mint?

It's chocolate, it's peppermint.
It's delicious.

- That's true.
- It's very refreshing.

What's going on over here?

There's a beached whale.
She's dying.

Is anyone here a marine biologist?

The sea was angry that day,
my friends.

Like an old man trying
to send back soup in a deli.

I got about 50 feet out,
when suddenly...

the great beast
appeared before me.

I tell you, he was 10 stories high
if he was a foot.

As if sensing my presence,
he let out a great bellow.

I said, "Easy, big fella."

And then, as I watched
him struggling, I realized...

that something was obstructing
its breathing.

From where I was standing, I could
see into the eye of the great fish.

- Mammal.
- Whatever.

- What did you do next?
- Well, then...

from out of nowhere,
a huge tidal wave lifted me...

tossed me like a cork,
and I found myself on top of him...

face to face with the blowhole.

I could barely see from the waves
crashing down upon me...

but I knew something was there.

So I reached my hand in...

felt around, and pulled out
the obstruction.

What is that, a Titleist?

A hole in one, huh?

We go into NBC, tell them we got
an idea for a show about nothing.

- Exactly.
- "What's your show about?"

- I say, "Nothing."
- There you go.

I think you may have something here.

Why don't you two go to the movies
by yourselves. I'm not in the mood.

Well, me either.
I'm going to Sky Burger.

- So you're not going?
- You don't need us.

Well, I can't go to a bad movie
by myself.

What, am I gonna make
sarcastic remarks to strangers?

I guess I'll just go to my uncle's.

- Should we tell him we're leaving?
- What for? Let's just get out of here.

Seinfeld, four!