Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 7 - The Non-Fat Yogurt - full transcript

I had glasses when I was 10 years old.

Anybody beat that?
Anybody got them younger than that?

- Seven.
- Seven?

Two?

Anybody born with glasses?
Come out...

Actually come out
of the birth canal and go:

"That was a hell of a delivery,
I'll tell you that.

Can I clean these?

Does anybody have one
of those little cloths?

I was just born. They're a little...

A little smudgy."



- Fantastic.
- I told you. How good is this?

- It's good.
- How good?

- Very good.
- I know.

They put real blueberries in this.
What kind did you get?

Coffee. They grind up
the coffee beans and put it in!

Let me test-taste that.

- And it's nonfat.
- How could this not have any fat?

- It's too good.
- You wanna taste mine?

- Oh, you wanna taste mine.
- No, I don't.

If you wanna taste mine, you don't
have to offer me some of yours.

All right, let's just forget it.

Kramer's gonna clean up
on this place.

- What do you mean?
- He invested in it.

- No kidding?
- We've been coming here every day.



This is so f*****g good!

Jerry!

Oh, I'm sorry.

- That's nice.
- All right.

We should get going, but I'm gonna
get a little bit more, okay?

- Oh, God, look who's here.
- Who is it?

This guy from my old neighborhood,
Lloyd Braun.

He's a big adviser to Mayor Dinkins.
He thinks he's so cool.

Oh, really.

Hey, George.

Hey, Lloyd!

Hey!

My friend Jerry.

So I hear you're living back home now,
or something?

Yeah, there was a fire
in my apartment.

A fire.

There's a lot of major chicks
in this place, huh?

Something wrong with your arm?

Yeah, actually.

I bumped my elbow on a desk
and injured something...

and now it sort of
moves involuntarily.

That's a bitch, huh?

- So how are your parents doing?
- Oh, pretty good.

- This place does some business, huh?
- Yeah, this is my first time here.

Hey, she's a doll.

Hi.

- Hello.
- Elaine, this is Lloyd.

- Hi.
- Hi. Very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Boy, I'm really sorry
I gotta run now.

- Well, take it easy, huh, George?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

- Boy, he is really cute.
- He's a jerk.

- He's gone, George.
- All right, all right.

So there were a lot of people there?

That yogurt place...
You're gonna make a fortune.

- They're doing incredible business.
- I told you to go in on it.

- How did you know?
- Well, I tasted it at the one downtown.

It's got a remarkable texture.

You'd never know it was nonfat.

- Yeah?
- Me.

Hey, I had the show of my life
last night.

- I ad-libbed, like, 10 new minutes.
- Yeah, but did you tape it?

- Yeah.
- Right there. I got it.

I did this thing on
the Ottoman Empire:

What, was this a whole empire
based on putting your feet up?

I'm telling you, I got a whole
new Tonight Show here.

- Hi.
- Hey.

What's the matter?

I was having lunch
and I bit down on the fork.

It's hard to believe
with so much biting experience...

a person could still
make a mistake like that.

- What?
- You're getting heavy.

- What?
- You look like you put on 5...

10 pounds.

- Kramer!
- I'll tell you something else...

you're looking
a little chunky yourself.

- Me?
- Yeah.

- No.
- Where's your bathroom scale?

Oh, my God! I've gained 7 pounds!

- I've gained 8!
- I told you.

I thought I'd put on a couple, but
7 pounds, how did I gain 7 pounds?

- How did I gain 8?
- I don't get it.

I've been doing the same exercises.
I haven't been eating different.

Me either.

Wait a second.
Maybe it's that yogurt.

- No, no. That's 100-percent nonfat.
- How else could this have happened?

- Maybe it's the Oreos.
- I don't eat Oreos.

You don't eat Oreos?
The way you break them open...

You're practically having
sex with them.

- What about me?
- You? You're getting old.

- Maybe your yogurt isn't so nonfat.
- Oh, guess again, tubby.

There's gotta be a way
we can find that out.

There must be a kind of lab
that would do that.

I've got it! I'll call
the Food and Drug Administration.

Hey, I'll tell you what, chubs.

If that yogurt has fat in it, I will
put myself on an all-yogurt diet...

- for a week.
- Well, let's start the insanity.

Giddyup.

"Tommy Tune
is a very good dancer."

You ever see Tommy Tune dance?

- No.
- I like tap-dancing.

Tap-dancing. Anyone can tap-dance.
It's those shoes.

Are you kidding?
They practice for years, those people.

What's for supper?

Somebody's at the door.

Tommy Tune is very tall.

That helps. It makes him lankier.

- Lloyd!
- Hello, Mrs. Costanza.

Georgie, Lloyd Braun is here.

- Hey, Lloyd!
- What are you doing here?

Well, I was just visiting my mother,
so I thought I'd drop by, say hello.

Georgie, come here and say hello.

How you doing? I hear you're
a big adviser for Dinkins now.

- That's right. Hey, George.
- Hey, Lloyd. How's it going?

I ran into George yesterday
in the city.

What's the matter with you?

So how's the arm?

- Oh, it's good.
- What's the matter with your arm?

- Nothing.
- Yeah, his arm moves like this.

Your arm moves like this? I've never
seen your arm move like this.

- Me either.
- Well, it comes and goes.

It's like some kind of...

a spasm.

I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew
any good orthopedists.

He said he had the best. So I made
an appointment for you. Dr. Dekter.

Mayor Dinkins got
an appointment for him?

You mentioned George's name
to Mayor Dinkins?

You discussed George
with the mayor of New York?

Dinkins was talking about you.
He was discussing you!

You know, Lloyd,
I've been to the doctor.

- There's nothing they can do.
- Hey!

Mayor Dinkins set this up for you.

You know what kind of a doctor
he must be?

All right. All right, I'll go.

Well, that's great.

And I'll be very interested
to hear the diagnosis.

Okay, well, we're coming down.
All right. Okay.

I got a place that can analyze it.
It's in Brooklyn.

- They said they could do it?
- Yeah. It's 45 bucks.

All right, let's go to the yogurt store
and get a specimen.

- Well, I hope you're satisfied.
- What?

Every word out of my son's
mouth now is f**k, f**k, f**k.

You know what he said to me
five minutes ago?

"Where's my f*****g cupcake?"

Gee, I'm really sorry.

He wants to be like you
because you're a comedian.

- Maybe you could talk to him.
- I'd be happy to.

Thank you.

Mary, we've been eating
a lot of your husband's yogurt...

at the yogurt place.
Does that have any fat in it?

No f*****g way.

- It was very nice seeing you again.
- Oh, it was good seeing you.

By the way, who was that gorgeous
woman I saw you with the other day?

- Just a friend of mine.
- You must mean Elaine.

- Isn't she adorable?
- She is, she is.

How about giving me her number?

You know, Lloyd,
I really don't have it.

She works at Pendant Publishing.

Elaine Benes.

- Great. Thanks a lot.
- Yeah.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Oh, that Lloyd Braun,
he is something, isn't he?

I wouldn't hear of it.
I said, "Nice try, granny"...

and I sent her to the back
of the line.

Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry.

Say, this yogurt is really something,
huh? And it's nonfat!

I've been waiting for something like
this my whole life, and it's finally here!

Hey, Seinfeld.

I'd appreciate if you'd stop using
obscenities around my son, huh?

It was an accident.
I'm gonna talk to him.

I'll have a small plain vanilla
in a cup to go.

- That's nonfat, right?
- That's right.

I'm on a special diet.

- The doctor said I can't have any fat.
- Yeah, well, there is no fat.

Hey, another round of strawberry
for me and my friends!

- Hurry, Jerry, hurry.
- How's it doing?

Not so good.

You can't have this tested now.
It's melting.

- So what?
- It changes the molecules.

You don't know
what you're talking about.

Hey, fatso, I got a 90 in biology.

You call me fatso again,
you're gonna be walking back.

Hi. I called earlier about
getting the yogurt tested?

Oh, right.
Would you fill this out, please?

- Does it matter if it's melted?
- No.

- This is gonna take a couple of days.
- That's okay.

Hello there.

Hello.

Test tubes.

Cool.

- What do you got there?
- This is Mr. Giuliani's blood.

We're doing a cholesterol workup
on it.

Okay, I'm done.

- It was really nice meeting you.
- Well, the pleasure's all mine.

- You can't take that chemist out.
- Why not?

Because she's like the jury.
She's gotta be sequestered.

I'm not taking her out
just to influence the results.

- I think the whole thing stinks.
- It smells. Smells bad.

- Smells really bad.
- That's enough.

- What?
- With the smells.

So he made an appointment for me
to see Dinkins' doctor.

- He's just trying to humiliate me.
- Yeah.

And I have to go. If I don't go,
he'll know I'm lying.

What are you gonna do,
sit in the doctor's office doing this?

He's gonna think
you're a mental patient.

I don't care.

Look, Lloyd doesn't know
what he's up against.

This is nothing to me.

My whole life is a lie.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So guess who called me.

- Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd?
- We're going out tomorrow night.

All right, look, he's gonna ask you
about my arm.

So just tell him I banged it
against a desk...

and it's been moving involuntarily
ever since.

I can't say that.

- Why not?
- What if I like him?

- I'm gonna start out lying to this guy?
- So you're taking his side?

No, but what if we get married?

We'll always have that between us.

Already you're marrying this guy?

- You never know.
- Believe me...

- you're not gonna marry him.
- What if we become a couple?

Every time we see you, you're gonna
be walking around going like this?

Even you can't keep that up.

Oh, I believe he can.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You know Jerry.
- Of course. He's a funny f****r.

See?

Listen, Matthew, I want to explain
something to you.

Now, cursing is not something
that most comedians do.

- You did it.
- That's true, but it was an accident.

I haven't done it since,
and I would never do it again.

If you continue cursing,
you'll never become...

a comedian like me
when you grow up.

Excuse me one second.

You know, Lloyd advises Dinkins
on everything he does.

- Yeah, yeah. Big adviser.
- He tells him what soap to use.

What the f**k are you doing,
you little piece of s**t?!

We don't want to disturb
the security guard.

Where's the lights?

- How about this?
- Yeah.

A Bunsen burner.

You want a taste? It's cappuccino.

It's delicious.

- I hear you.
- Nonfat?

Well...

you tell me.

Is the verdict in yet?

No.

Well...

this is in case there's a tie.

As far as I know,
he bumped his arm into a door...

and it's kind of got...

this involuntary movement.
It's some sort of a spasm.

So, anyway, you're a big adviser
to Dinkins, huh?

Yeah, yeah. It's coming
right down the wire.

Know what I would do
if I was running for mayor?

One of my campaign themes
would be...

that everybody should wear
nametags to make the city friendlier.

- Nametags, huh?
- Everybody would know everybody.

It would be like a small town.

- Maybe I'll mention that to him.
- Really?

- You sure you don't want any yogurt?
- No, I'm watching my weight.

- Oh, it's nonfat.
- Yeah, so they say.

- Well, shall we go?
- Yeah, okay.

Three days he hasn't called me,
and you know why?

Because he thinks I'm too fat.

- He said that?
- No.

But I saw the look on his face
when he put his arm around me.

Then we went to his apartment,
and I sat on one of his chairs...

and it broke.

And he says,
"Boy, you're a lot of woman."

Hey, so hear anything
on the yogurt?

- No, but I expect to hear any time.
- Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.

- Why do you say that?
- No reason.

Did you hear about that Dinkins?

- What about him?
- You didn't hear?

He's proposing a plan where everyone
in the city should wear nametags.

- Nametags?
- So people can go around...

saying hello to one another.

Oh, I see. So you go, "Hey, you know
who I saw wilding today? Herb!"

He's becoming a laughingstock!

The Times has already stated it could
cost him the election. Nametags!

Hello?

Yes.

Yeah...

Oh, really?

Okay. Thank you very much.

Bye-bye. Well...

the yogurt verdict is in.

Fat!

The next morning, I woke up...

and it was going like this.

I can control it
if I really concentrate...

but otherwise...

Yes, well, I'm going to have to be
perfectly honest with you.

- Please, doctor.
- I've examined you...

I've looked at your x-rays...

and I find that there's absolutely
nothing wrong with you.

Really?

- Nothing?
- Nothing...

that would indicate
involuntary spasms.

Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?

- No, not really.
- How so?

May I suggest the possibility
that you're faking.

Faking?

What makes you think
that I have time...

to see doctors take x-rays,
make appointments...

when there's absolutely nothing
wrong with me?

What kind of a person
would do a thing like that?

I don't know what kind of person
would do something like that.

Obviously a very sick person.

A very immature person.

A person who has no regard for
wasting other people's valuable time.

- Goodbye.
- Now see here, doctor...

I said, goodbye.

Fine.

Jerry, come on, look.
Let's go to that yogurt store.

I've been thinking about this. This
has gotta be a massive conspiracy.

Who knows how deep it goes?

Hey, look, wait a second.
Kramer, turn that up.

Rudy Giuliani, who underwent
a physical last week...

received some
startling news today...

when his cholesterol count
turned out to be a whopping 375.

What effect this will have
on the minds of the voters...

remains to be seen.

In another development,
Mayor Dinkins has fired...

his top adviser, Lloyd Braun,
who was believed responsible...

for the nametag fiasco.

We now take you to
Giuliani headquarters...

where Rudy Giuliani is
about to make a statement.

It's hard to understand because
I've done everything I normally do.

I've been watching my diet very
carefully, I exercise regularly.

My only indulgence, I guess, would
be that I eat a lot of frozen yogurt...

but it's nonfat.

Nonfat yogurt? Oh, my God. They got
Giuliani, and he doesn't know it!

- Now look what you've done.
- We've gotta do something.

I'm calling Giuliani's headquarters.

Nametags! Nametags!

What kind of an idiot thinks anybody
would be interested in that idea?

I don't think it's so bad.
People should wear nametags.

Everyone would be a lot friendlier.

"Hello, Sam."
"How you doing, Joe?"

Hey, your arm. It moved again.

I thought you said it went away.

I banged it on the desk
in the doctor's office.

Quiet!

They're starting the press conference.

My campaign staff received
some very disturbing information...

regarding the fat content in yogurt
that's being sold throughout the city.

I pledge to you now that if I'm elected
mayor, as my first order of business...

I'll appoint a special task force
to investigate this matter.

I promise you,
my fellow New Yorkers...

that Mayor Giuliani
will do everything possible...

to cleanse the city
of this falsified nonfat yogurt.

The old yogurt was so much better.
Oh, this is terrible.

- Oh, it stinks.
- Mine too.

- I got one more day.
- I can't eat this.

Hey, Jerry.

Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy.

- It had fat in it. It's not good for you.
- I don't care!

It was good! I was enjoying it.

Had to interfere,
couldn't leave well enough alone.

I will get even with you for this.
You can count on it.

Hey, you guys, listen to this.
Listen to this.

"Apparently some blood spilled
into Mr. Giuliani's test tube...

causing his cholesterol count...

to be 150 points higher
than was initially reported.

Ironically, the mishap, by bringing
the nonfat-yogurt scandal...

to the public's attention...

probably clinched the election
for the Republican.

It was the one issue which seemed
to electrify the voters...

and swept Giuliani into office."

So in effect, the yogurt
won him the election.

I wonder what actually happened
in that lab.

Yeah. Me too.

I can't eat this.

Thanks for ruining my daddy's
business, you fat f**k.

There's nothing more fun
than cursing when you're a kid.

I mean, it's like getting
the keys to the car.

You're doing something
you're not supposed to do.

And there's nothing less fun
than when you're an adult...

and having to use
those wholesome curses:

Fudge!

Sugar!

Consarnit!

What the hell is "consarnit" anyway?

You stub your toe
and say, "Consarnit"...

you might as well say, "Yippee!"

If you've been to a foreign country,
the first thing you learn...

are the curse words. Right?

You travel halfway around the world to
experience some exotic civilization...

the first thing you ask is,
"How do they say 'doodie' here?"