Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 6 - The Lip Reader - full transcript

Professional tennis...

To me, I don't understand the shushing.
Why are they always shushing?

Don't the players know
that we're there?

Should we duck behind the seats
so they don't see us watching them?

To me, tennis is basically
just Ping-Pong...

and the players
are standing on the table.

That's all it is.

And that goofy scoring.

You win one point, all of a sudden
you're up by 15.

Two points, 30-love. 30-love.

Sounds like an English call girl.
"That'll be 30, love.



And could you be a little quieter
next time, please?"

Are these seats unbelievable,
or what?

- Hey, where's the sunblock?
- Here.

Twenty-five? You don't have
anything higher?

- What, are you on Mercury?
- I need higher.

This has PABA in it.
I need PABA-free.

- You got a problem with PABA?
- I have a problem with PABA.

- You don't even know what PABA is.
- I know enough to stay away from it.

Thirty-love.

- So you going to Todd's party?
- If somebody else drives. You going?

- Gwen really wants to go.
- You're bringing a date to a party?

No good?

A party's a bad date situation.
It doesn't matter who you're with.

You could be with J. Edgar Hoover.



You don't wanna sit and talk with
Hoover all night. You want to circulate.

Why'd you pick Hoover?
Is he that interesting to talk to?

Well, with the law enforcement
and the cross-dressing...

seems like an interesting guy.

Yeah, I guess.

What can I do?
I gotta take her with me.

Todd introduced us. I'm obligated.

That woman is absolutely stunning.

- Who, the Croat?
- No, not the Croat. The lineswoman.

That is the most beautiful lineswoman
I've ever seen.

Yeah, she's a BL.

- BL?
- Beautiful lineswoman.

I'm gonna go to the concession stand
to get some real sunblock.

You want anything? Jerry?

Jerry?

You know, I just heard
the Lexington line is out.

You are kidding me. How am I
supposed to get to this meeting?

Take a car service.
We have an account.

No, forget it. I hate those.

Every time I've taken one,
the driver will not stop talking to me.

No matter how disinterested I seem,
he just keeps yakking away.

Why does everything have
to have a social component?

See, the stagecoach. Now, that
would've been a good situation for me.

I'm in the coach, and the driver's
way up there on the stage.

You're not gonna get a cab now,
4:30 on a Friday afternoon.

Bring a magazine.
Keep your head down.

Yeah, I guess that could work.

And that is it.
Match to Ms. Natalia Baudone.

Coming up next, men's singles.

But for now, let's stop and look at
our beautiful tennis-center backdrop.

Hey!

There's George.

Holy cow. It's a scorcher.

Boy, I bet you that guy
could cover a lot of court.

Hey, buddy, they got a new
invention. It's called a napkin.

Well, we'll take a station break
and continue with more action.

Dag Hammarskjold Plaza, huh?

Pendant Publishing,
that's books, right?

Miss?

- Pardon me?
- Books. That's what you do?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't read much myself.
Well, you know, besides the paper.

Yeah, a lot of people read to relax.
Not me.

You know what I do?

You know, I'm having a lot of trouble
hearing you back here, so...

I said, you know what I do
when I want to relax?

The jumble.

Hey, do you make a book
of jumbles?

I'm gonna have to be
honest with you.

I'm going deaf.

- Going deaf?
- What?

Oh, I... I'm sorry.

It can be very frustrating.

Hey, what about a hearing aid?

Am I fearing AIDS? Oh, yeah, sure.
Who isn't?

But, you know,
you gotta live your life.

No, no, no. I said...

Forget it.

I can't take my eyes
off this lineswoman.

The woman is absolutely
mesmerizing.

- Boy, you are really smitten.
- I gotta talk to her.

- What do you think?
- Cold?

How you gonna do that?
You're not one of those guys.

I'll psych myself into it like those
people that walk across the hot coals.

But they're not mocked and humiliated
when they get to the other side.

I have to. I won't be able
to live with myself.

Wait. Jerry, there's
a bigger issue here.

If you go through that wall
and become one of those guys...

I'll be left here on this side.

- Take me with you.
- I can't.

What are you gonna say?

I don't know. "Hi."

You think you're going
to the other side with "hi"?

You're not gonna make it.

- Base to 92, come in.
- Yeah, this is 92.

Yeah, after this, go back
to the city for a 6:00 pickup.

Rightio.

749 Bleeker.
The party's Hanks. Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks?

After me, you're picking up
Tom Hanks? I love him.

So I guess your hearing
goes in and out, huh?

- Yeah. Yes, it...
- Yeah, you know what I think?

I think you made
that whole thing up.

- No, no. I...
- Yeah, yeah. I know your type.

You're too good to make conversation
with someone like me.

Oh, God forbid you
could discuss the jumbles.

But to go so far as to pretend
you're almost deaf?

I mean, that is
truly disgusting, miss.

And Mr. Tom Hanks...

May I say he, too, would be
disgusted by your behavior.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Oh, that's nice.

That's right, ignore me.
That's real polite.

Yeah, nobody's even talking to you.
Oh, you're a big lineswoman.

Oh, like that's some kind
of a cool job. I know your type.

Think you're too good for everyone.
But it's women like you...

Oh, well... What, are you deaf?

Bingo.

- And you're saying she's deaf?
- I'm not saying she's deaf. She's deaf.

- Can't hear a thing.
- Can't hear a thing.

- You're gonna go out with her?
- Isn't that something?

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Yeah, you know, I know how to sign.
- Really?

When I was 8, I had a deaf cousin
who lived with us for about a year.

Of course, you know, I haven't
been able to do it in a while.

What is this about?

I met this deaf lineswoman
at the tennis match.

You are kidding. That is amazing.

I just took a car service from work.

To get the driver not to talk to me,
I pretended I was going deaf.

- Good plan.
- It didn't work. He caught me hearing.

All right. It's terrible,
but I'm not terrible.

- No.
- No.

No. When I shoo squirrels away,
I always say, "Get out of here."

I never, ever throw things at them
and try to injure them...

- like other people.
- That's nice.

Yeah. And when I see freaks in the
street, I never, ever stare at them.

And yet I'm careful
not to look away.

See, because I wanna make
the freaks feel comfortable.

- That's nice for the freaks.
- Yeah.

I don't pouf my hair when I go
to the movies...

so people behind me can see.

I gotta make it up to this guy.
I won't be able to live with myself.

- What can I do?
- Why don't you get him some tickets.

- Your friend works at a ticket agency.
- Yeah. Pete.

- He can get you tickets to something.
- Really?

Like a rock concert.
Whatever you like.

- Oh, great. Thanks, Kramer.
- Yeah. You got it.

Hey, Jerry, do me a favor.
Next time you see that lineswoman...

ask her how those ball boys
get those jobs.

I would love to be able to do that.

I think perhaps you've overlooked
one of the key aspects of this activity.

It's ball boys, not ball men.
There are no ball men.

I think he's right.
I've never seen a ball man.

- Well, there ought to be ball men.
- All right, I'll talk to her.

You wanna be a ball man, go ahead.
Break the ball barrier. Hey!

A friend of mine from work said
she saw George at the tennis match...

- on TV yesterday.
- Yeah. Yeah, me too.

He was at the snack bar
eating a hot fudge sundae.

He had it all over his face.

He's wearing that chocolate
on his face like a beard.

And they got in there
really nice and tight, and he's:

- I'm sorry, George.
- But...

I don't understand.
Things were going so great.

What happened?
Something must've happened.

It's not you. It's me.

You're giving me
the "it's not you, it's me" routine?

I invented "it's not you, it's me."
Nobody tells me it's them, not me.

- If it's anybody, it's me.
- All right.

- George, it's you.
- You are damn right it's me.

- I was just trying to...
- I know what you were trying to do.

- Nobody does it better than me.
- I'm sure you do it very well.

Yes, well, unfortunately, you'll never
get the chance to find out.

- But I thought things were going great.
- Yeah, so did I.

- Did she say why?
- No.

She tried to give me
the "it's not you, it's me" routine.

- But that's your routine.
- Yeah.

Well, apparently word's out.

Hey. Hey, Georgie,
I saw you on TV yesterday.

Really? At the tennis match?

Yeah. You were at the snack bar
eating the hot fudge sundae.

Get out of here.
I didn't see any cameras there.

Oh, the camera was... there.

And the announcers, they made
a couple of cracks about you.

Cracks?

What were they saying?

That you had ice cream
all over your face.

They were talking about
how funny you looked.

Oh, my God. Maybe Gwen saw it.
Maybe that's what did it.

Well, I'll tell you,
it wasn't a pretty sight.

She must've seen me
eating it on TV.

She sees you with hot fudge
on your face and ends it?

- You think she'd be that superficial?
- Why not? I would be.

Hello? Oh, hi, Dad.

You saw him?

Really, with the ice cream?
All right, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

- Your parents saw me on TV?
- Yeah.

This is a nightmare.
Kramer, how long was I on?

It felt like eight seconds.

One-1000. Two-1000.
Three-1000...

I heard you really inhaled that thing.
Did anyone tape it?

Can we move on?

- What?
- He thinks Gwen broke up with him...

because she saw him
eating the ice cream on TV.

Come on. If she's that superficial,
you don't want her.

Yes, I do.

I guess you're not going
to Todd's party on Friday.

Well, I can't now.
Gwen's gonna be there.

She should be the one
that shouldn't go.

If a couple breaks up with plans to go
to a neutral place, who withdraws?

- What's the etiquette?
- Excellent question.

I mean, I think she should withdraw.

She's the breaker. He's the breakee.
He needs to get on with his life.

- I beg to differ.
- Really?

He's the loser.

She's the victor. To the victor
belong the spoils.

Well, I don't care.
I don't want to go anyway.

I don't wanna fight that traffic
on Friday.

We can take my office's car service.

- Really?
- Yeah. They don't know.

- All right. I'll see you later.
- Okay.

- Hey, Georgie, you coming?
- Yeah.

"To the victor go the spoils."

What are you doing tonight?

I got a date with Laura,
the lineswoman.

Why?

- What are you doing?
- I was just gonna wander the streets.

I don't want to tag along with you
or anything.

You wanted to come with us?

Jerry, please.

It's very nice, but...

Where would we be going?

So I've got ice cream all over my face.
There were no napkins there.

Whoever is responsible for stocking
that concession stand...

cost me a relationship.

- They never have napkins there.
- Let's get the check.

Is this considered signing? Do you
do this when you ask for the check?

Really? I know a sign.
That's my first sign.

That couple is breaking up.

They're breaking up?

- How do you know?
- She reads lips.

What are they saying now?

"It's not you. It's me."

Oh, my God.

I just had a great idea.

She could come to the party tomorrow
and read Gwen's lips for me.

What?

We bring her to the party...

and she tells me what Gwen
is saying about me.

She's not a novelty act, George...

that you hire out for weddings
and bar mitzvahs.

Look, it's a skill, just like juggling.

She probably enjoys showing it off.

I don't know, George.
I'm not sure about this.

Would you ask her? Just ask her.

- If she says no, case closed.
- All right.

- Laura, George was wondering if...
- Sure. I'll do it.

- So I really had a good time.
- Yeah, me too.

- Wanna go to the party on Friday?
- Yeah.

All right, we're taking a car service.

So we'll swing by and pick you up.

How about 6?

Six is good.

You got a problem with 6?

What? What?

Okay, listen up, people.

There are plenty of you here,
but we've only got two spots to fill.

So good luck.

Hey, pops, isn't there a better way
to spend your twilight years?

Well, I may be old, but I'm spry.

The tryout lasts three and a half
to four hours.

- Are you up for it?
- Oh, I'll be up for it, punk.

See, I was saying "six,"
but she thought I was saying "sex."

We straightened
the whole thing out.

- She confused "six" with "sex"?
- Yeah.

If she can't tell "six" from "sex," how's
she gonna lip read across a room?

- "Six" and "sex" are close.
- It's two completely different sounds:

And:

It seems like a problem.

Well, I'm not dating
any other deaf women.

Hey, guess who's gonna be
the new ball man for the finals?

- You're kidding.
- Yeah.

They said they never saw anybody
go after balls with such gusto.

- When is that car service coming?
- Five minutes.

It's gonna pick us up, then Elaine.
Laura's gonna meet us there.

If this lip-reading thing works tonight,
you know how incredible it'll be?

- It's like having Superman for a friend.
- I know. It's like x-ray vision.

If we could just harness this power
and use it for our own personal gain...

- there'd be no stopping us.
- Hey, hey, hey.

I hear you got some lip reader
working for you. Let me use her once.

- Can't do it, Newman.
- But, Jerry...

we got this new supervisor
at the post office.

He's working behind glass.
They're talking about me.

They're gonna transfer me. I know it!
Two hours. Give me two hours.

It's not gonna happen!

All right. All right.
All right, you go ahead.

You go ahead. You keep it secret.
But you remember this:

When you control the mail,
you control information.

Just pull over right by
that stop sign.

- Pardon me, sir?
- I said, pull over by the stop sign.

Oh, sorry. You'll have to forgive me.
I can't hear a damn thing.

Went to a rock concert
last night at the Garden.

My seats were right up
against the speaker.

It's a heavy metal group,
Metalli-something.

Ca.

- What?
- Ca.

My ears are still ringing.

Some woman's idea of a joke.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Get out. Get out!
- We'll never get there.

- Go on!
- Okay.

Hey! Shut the door.

The whole idea of the car service
was so I wouldn't have to fight traffic.

I know, I'm late. Hey,
now I know two signs.

"Check" and "late."

Hey, this is my friend you helped
become the first ball man.

Congratulations.

She doesn't know
what she's talking about.

Guys, you made it.

- Hey.
- Hey, buddy.

- Hey, Todd.
- Sorry to hear about Gwen.

Why, did she say something
about why she broke up with me?

No. Tonight will be the first chance
I've had to talk to her.

Really?

Look, George,
I'm friends with both of you...

but I can't betray her confidence
by telling you anything.

I wouldn't hear of it, Todd.
It's none of my business.

But you should try and find out
everything you possibly can.

In fact, I'll even stay all the way
over on the other side of the room...

just so there's no chance
of me overhearing anything.

- You are so centered.
- Hey.

I've grown up.

Oh, my God. There she is.
Go ahead. Go ahead.

- Let's go, let's go. Get in position.
- What?

All right, all right.
What are they saying?

- "Hi, Gwen." "Hi, Tide."
- High tide?

"Hi, Todd."

"You got something
between your teeth."

- Where?
- No, that's what he said.

"That's interesting. I love carrots,
but I hate carrot soup.

And I hate peas,
but I love pea soup."

- So do I.
- This is so wild.

Can I borrow her
for a few hours tomorrow?

No. Then I'd have to lend her
to everybody.

I don't envy you, Todd.
This place is gonna be a mess.

Maybe you can stick around,
and we can sweep together.

"Why don't you stick around,
and we can sleep together."

- What?
- "You want me to sleep with you?"

- I don't wanna sweep alone.
- He says, "I don't wanna sleep alone."

And she says... Oh, boy.
"Love to."

All right, that's it.

You get rid of me, now the two
of you are gonna sleep together?

- What? You're crazy.
- "What? You're crazy."

- I heard your whole conversation.
- How?

- "How?"
- I can read lips.

- You said, "Let's sleep together."
- No, I didn't. I said "sweep."

Let's sweep together,
like with a broom.

- Cleaning up.
- "Cleaning up."

Sweep?

- Yes. Sweep.
- "Yes. Sweep."

- Cut it.
- George says, "Cut it."

- Cut it.
- George says...

Cut it. Would you stop signing?!

- What?
- They said "sweep together," idiots.

Not "sleep together."

Look, I know how to sign.

My eye! My eye!

This is really amazing, getting to see
Monica Seles play in the finals.

I know. And in the first tournament
of her comeback.

Thus ends the great
ball man experiment.

- You with the tennis center?
- Yeah.

Hey, how about that ball man
injuring Monica Seles?

- Wasn't that something?
- I'm deaf.

I've always been a big fan
of the little check move, you know?

"Can I get the check? The check."

Unless the waiter's not too sharp.
Then you gotta total it up.

"I want the check."

They come over,
"Do you want the check?"

"No, I want to be pen pals.
Can't you see what I'm doing here?

I'm trying to be cool
and impress people."