Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Barber - full transcript

The old-fashioned barbershop is,...

unfortunately, becoming
a thing of the past.

Now, what went wrong?

First of all, he needs a $20,000 chair
to make a three dollar tip.

I say, cut back on the chair,
update the magazines.

Why do barbers always display
that license?

There's no laws in haircutting...

except show every customer
the back of their head.

I don't wanna see the back.

Why see something that I'm never
gonna see at any other time?

When I buy pants...



two salesmen don't lift me up and
go, "How do you like the crotch?"

If I wanted to see everything,
I would've been a fly.

Well, George, we here at Sanalac...

like to think of ourselves as
fairly progressive company.

We have a small but prestigious
group of clients.

A lot of people consider me
small and prestigious.

That's funny, George.

- You're very quick.
- Oh, well.

I feel like I don't...

I don't have to explain
every little thing to you.

You understand everything
immediately.

I enjoy understanding.

I want you to have this job.

- Of course...
- Stu Zimmer's on line two.



Great. Thanks.

I've gotta take this call. Listen...

I'm really glad that you came in.

"I want you to have this job.

Of course..."

- Yeah?
- That's it.

- What do you mean?
- What?

He never finished. He got a call.
That was the end.

- "Of course" was the last thing?
- Maybe he was gonna say:

"Of course, I have to check
with my associates."

"I want you to have this job.
Of course, the board of directors...

is under indictment
and will be serving time."

"I want you to have this job.
Of course, sodomy is a prerequisite."

All right. All right.

Why don't you just call him.

He made a big deal about how
I understand everything immediately.

That's what impressed him.

So if you call to ask if you have
the job, you might lose it.

- If I don't call...
- You have it, but you'll never know it.

- What kind of company?
- Rest stop supply.

Oh, good for you.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Shower?
- Haircut. I'm very happy with this.

- Who'd you use? Gino?
- Of course.

- Wouldn't let that butcher cut my hair.
- What butcher?

The uncle. Enzo.
That's the guy Jerry uses.

I've been going to him for 12 years.
I can't switch. I'd hurt his feelings.

- You never get good haircuts.
- You can get a good one today.

It's Enzo's day off.
Gino's there all by himself.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You should go get one, to look good
for my bachelor auction.

What bachelor auction?

This thing where they auction
off dates with bachelors for charity.

And you didn't ask me?

I could raise enough money
to cure polio.

They've had a cure for polio
for quite some time.

Polio?

Will you go ahead?
You need a haircut.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- What are you all dressed up for?
- Job interview.

- Yeah? How'd it go?
- Good.

Of course...

- Oh, Jerry!
- Hi, Enzo.

- You come for the haircut?
- No.

- Actually, I was...
- It's my day off.

But I take care of you
because you my favorite customer.

You been with me for so long.

You so loyal.

Well...

- If it's your day off...
- What's the difference?

- It takes 10 minutes.
- Well, it's...

Jerry, today I'm gonna do
something special for you.

- I don't wanna take too much off.
- Hey, who's your barber, huh?

You tell the joke. I cut the hair.

Gino, you've outdone yourself
this time.

This is the best haircut
I've ever had.

- He massacred you!
- I know.

You look like you're 5 years old.

What if I shampoo?
Sometimes a shampoo helps.

You gotta start seeing
somebody else.

Get out of this relationship.

I can't. He loves me.
He says I'm his most loyal customer.

Plus, he's on the corner. I'd have
to pass him every day when I go by.

- Well, you gotta do it.
- I can't, I can't. I'd break his heart.

No way my Gino did that.

- It's an Enzo.
- You told me he wouldn't be there.

- So what?
- So I didn't wanna hurt his feelings.

You can't continue seeing him.
You're destroying yourself.

I'm not gonna let you.
Now, if you don't call him, I will.

No, no, Kramer, you can't do that.

I'll call Gino. You'll see him.
We're gonna get that haircut fixed.

- I don't want you to call him.
- All right.

You're crazy.

So I still haven't heard
about that job.

That's a tough one.
What are you gonna do about that?

Well, I have an idea.

- Yeah?
- I show up.

- What do you mean, you show up?
- I show up.

I pretend I have the job.

The guy's on vacation.
If I have the job, it's fine.

If I don't, by the time he comes back,
I'm ensconced.

- Not bad.
- What's the worst that could happen?

You'd be embarrassed and humiliated
in front of a large group of people...

and have to walk out in shame
with your tail between your legs.

Yeah. So?

Yeah. I see what you mean.
I forgot who I was dealing with.

Good morning. Morning.

Good morning.

Morning. Hi. Nice to see you.
How are you?

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning.

- How can I help you?
- The name's George Costanza.

I'm starting work here today.
I was wondering if you could...

- tell me where my office is?
- I wasn't aware that...

Mike. This is George Costanza.

He's starting here today.

Welcome aboard.

Thanks, Mike. Nice to be aboard.

I didn't know Mr. Tuttle
was finished interviewing.

Oh, he was probably just
getting anxious to start his vacation.

- He wants to know where his office is.
- Oh, well...

Let's see. We've got two.

There's the big one down the hall
and the small one here.

- I should ask Jack.
- Oh, leave Jack alone.

Jack's got enough problems.

- I'll just take the small office.
- Really?

Yes. I like to feel cozy.

I have a small apartment.
I like to feel tucked in, nestled in.

Love to be nestled.

All right. It's 808, right down there.

Meanwhile, I'll get you the Pensky file.
You can start working on that.

Yes, of course. The Pensky file.

Can't wait to sink my teeth into that.

Wow, that Pensky.

Well, we'll straighten him out.

What do you do there all day?

They gave me the Pensky file.

- So it's a nice place to work?
- You know, I'm enjoying it very much.

I think my coworkers
are really taking to me.

We're like a family.

In fact, yesterday
was Grace's birthday.

She's such a sweet woman.

We had a little party
with cake and champagne.

I made a toast.

What about your boss,
the guy who interviewed you?

He'll be back on Monday.

- Hi.
- Hey.

How come you're wearing a hat?

I got a haircut.

Oh, yeah? Can I see it?

There's nothing to see.

- Come on. Let me see it.
- Forget it.

Come on.

All right.

Very good. Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You can forget about me going
to that bachelor auction.

What? No, Jerry. You have to go.

You know, Elaine, I'd do it,
but I'm working that day.

Yeah. Too bad.

This is the worst haircut
Jerry's ever had. You gotta fix it.

Sure.

I fix. But you gotta make sure
you no tell anybody.

He's a little crazy.

I don't know what he do
if he find out I touch Jerry's hair.

So, I love that
Edward Scissorhands.

That's the best movie I ever see.

Again with the
Edward Scissorhands.

How can you have a hand
like a scissor?

Show me one person who's got
a hand like a scissor.

Hey, it's a beautiful dream.
I love to be this man.

Did you ever think about what
you're going to do on the toilet?

What are you going to do
on the toilet?!

I'd like to have shoehorn hands.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Okay, now listen to me.

I talked to Gino. He'll fix the haircut.

Great. Then you can go
to the bachelor auction.

- Yeah, but...
- No buts.

His apartment tonight, 8:00.

- Can he fix it?
- I don't know.

Boy, you got a beautiful head of hair.

Well, thank you.

I bet Uncle Enzo,
he tell you that all the time.

Actually, Enzo hasn't said that
to me in a while.

I don't think Uncle Enzo realize
what a lucky barber he is.

That's nice of you to say.

Just a second.

- Yes?
- It's your Uncle Enzo.

It's Uncle Enzo! Quick.
Go in there. I'll clean up.

Come on up.

Uncle Enzo,
what are you doing here?

- I come to apologize.
- Apologize?

I rented the movie
Edward Scissorhands.

That Johnny Depp, he make me cry.

He make me cry too.
You want something to drink?

Hey! What's all this?

Nothing. It's just hair.

- You do haircut in the apartment?
- No.

Pizza man was here.
Maybe some fall off.

He's going bald.

It looks very familiar.

In the one minute he worked on me,
I could tell he was good.

Yeah. Slow, gentle, attentive.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Didn't I tell you?
- But Enzo picked up one of my hairs.

- Yeah? So?
- I think he knew.

- No, he doesn't know.
- He knows my hair.

You're imagining things.
He doesn't know a thing.

- Come on. Pull yourself together.
- Okay, okay.

What happened?
It looks the same.

He didn't get to finish. His uncle
came in. We almost got caught!

Jerry, the auction is in a few hours.

- Take the K-Man.
- Yeah.

You can still go.

What, are you kidding?
Look at him. He's grotesque.

- Do you think?
- Do I think? He's repugnant.

- What would you wear?
- Whatever it takes.

See, Newman is a good customer.

Once I find a barber, I stick with him.
I almost went to barber school.

I always felt I had a talent for it.

Not everybody like Newman,
so loyal.

Yeah, just the way that I was raised.

I'm special.

You know, I don't mind
if somebody's funny...

but I no like the funny business.

I'm gonna go out for a little bit.

- I'll be right back.
- Take your time.

You happy with the haircut?

It's okay. A little crooked.

How you like to have a free haircut
for six months?

- What's the catch?
- You get me a sample of Jerry's hair.

That job sounds like
it might be worth...

a year's free haircuts.
And a comb.

Mr. Costanza,
Mr. Pensky's here to see you.

Mr. Pensky?

Of the Pensky file?

Costanza?

Arthur Pensky.

Mr. Pensky.

I... I was just working on your file.

I was...

transferring the contents
of the file into this...

flexible, accordion-style folder to...

- Where's Tuttle?
- He's on vacation.

He was on vacation the last time
I dropped by. Give me my file.

Looks like you put
a lot of work into this.

Well, in college they used to call me
"the little bulldog."

Yeah, you are Pensky material.

Would you ever consider
coming to work directly for me?

- Really?
- You are aware...

- Mr. Costanza?
- Not now, Clarisse.

I thought Mr. Pensky should know
they're towing his car.

Damn this city!

I am aware..? I am aware..?

He knows. He knows about us.

- How do you know?
- Because I know.

He's crazy. All morning, he looking
at the hair. He staring at the hair.

- Who is it?
- It's Newman!

He was in the shop with Enzo.
He can't see me here.

Go in the bedroom. Open the window.
You can go out the fire escape.

- What do you want?
- Could I use your bathroom?

What's wrong with yours?

- My toilet's clogged.
- You can't unclog it?

- Did you ask Kramer?
- He's out.

- Number one?
- Yes, yes.

- May I go?
- Go ahead.

- I gotta go very badly.
- Flush twice.

Thank you!

No.

Jackpot.

I don't believe this.

There's no hair in this thing.

I've never seen a person that didn't
have at least one hair in a brush.

Unbelievable.

Nothing.

- All right?
- Yeah, yeah.

- I'll see you later.
- What are you doing?

I'm watching Edward Scissorhands.

Could I watch a little?
It's my favorite movie.

Yeah, all right.

- You want something to drink?
- No, no.

If you wanna watch, sit down.
You're making me nervous.

I tell you, this Scissorhands
is a hell of a barber.

Gotta go.

Oh, I dropped a nickel.

Yeah.

See you, Jerry.

Did you get it?

Oh, you done good, Newman.

It was a cinch.

Where you going?

Nine hundred!
Do I hear 1000?

Ladies, he is a Harvard graduate.

- A thousand.
- A thousand. Okay, a thousand once.

A thousand twice.

A thousand three times.
Sold...

to the lucky lady in the third row.

Congratulations.
Thank you so much.

Okay, our next bachelor is number...

124 on your program.

He...

He is...

He's a high school graduate.

Equi...

Equivalency.

A high school equivalency
program graduate.

He's...

self-employed.

He's...

I don't know, 6'3", 190 pounds.

He likes...

fruit.

And he just got a haircut.

Kramer!

Kramer!

Okay, why don't we start
the bidding.

Do I hear 5 bucks?

I don't get this Scissorhands. Is he
a superhero? Like Green Lantern?

What's with this guy?

I'm just asking.

- Who is it?
- Enzo Manganero!

Oh, my God!

One second!
Go. Go in the bedroom.

It was you that was at Gino's
apartment the other night!

- No, I wasn't there.
- Don't lie!

I know it was you!

I get a sample of your hair.
I match them up.

Sample?

Newman.

I was there, but I was just
dropping off a book.

Don't, Jerry.

So, it's true!

Yes.

Is true.

I'm gonna kill the both of you!

Mr. Tuttle! You're back.

George.

I'm surprised to find you here.

- You are?
- I thought you'd take the larger office.

Really?

I guess I didn't make it clear
when I hired you.

So where's that Pensky file?

Let's see what you've been
up to all week.

Here it is.

What have you been
doing all week?

You missed a lovely party for Grace.

You haven't done anything with this.

Well, bear in mind,
I am in the smaller office.

I'm beginning to wonder
if you understand anything.

You are aware that Pensky
is interested in me.

You're not Pensky material.

Really? Well, we'll just
see about that.

Ta-ta, Tuttle.

Jerry.

George, I'm sorry I gave you
the wrong impression.

What I was gonna say was:

Now, you are aware that our
board of directors has been indicted...

myself included.

We're prohibited from doing business
until the investigation is completed.

So obviously...

we would have no use for you.

Obviously.

- Yes?
- Mr. Costanza's car is being towed.

So when are you gonna
be able to go out?

Not for a while.