Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Stall - full transcript

At a movie theater's restroom, Elaine, realizing she doesn't have any toilet paper left, asks the woman in the next stall (Jami Gertz) if she has any toilet paper to spare, but the woman refuses, claiming that she "can't spare a square". Elaine pleads with the woman, but she leaves, ignoring Elaine. The woman returns to her seat, and is revealed as Jerry's girlfriend, Jane. Elaine is shown returning to her seat, with her new boyfriend Tony (played by Dan Cortese). The two women tell their dates about what had just happened. At Jerry's apartment, Kramer walks in, asking to use Jerry's phone. Jerry accuses Kramer of using it to call a telephone sex line. Elaine comes into the apartment, and describes to Jerry the incident that occurred at the movie theatre. Jerry realizes that the woman that Elaine was bickering for toilet paper was Jane. He tries to defend Jane, while not letting Elaine know that it was her. Meanwhile, George becomes enamored of Elaine's boyfriend, claiming that "He's such a cool guy". Jerry suspects that Elaine dates Tony only because he is attractive, and that Tony is a "male bimbo", or a "mimbo" for short. At the coffee shop, Tony, and George plan on going rock climbing together, which excites George, but Kramer is invited by Tony when he enters, and George starts fearing that Kramer will become better friends with Tony than him. Jerry and Kramer tease George about this later, claiming that George is in love with Tony, which George quickly denies. Jane calls Jerry's apartment, and Kramer answers the call without Jerry knowing. He talks to Jane, and after giving the phone to Jerry, he says that her voice sounded "flinty", and seems to try to remember where he's heard it before. Later, Elaine calls Jerry on his buzzer to tell him that she's coming up, while Jane is still there. Still trying to keep the two from conflicting, Jerry panics to disguise Jane's voice by saying that it smelt from the lunch they just had, and gave her many pieces of gum, muffling her voice to an unrecognizable level. On Tony, Kramer and George's rock climbing trip, Tony gives Kramer a rope to tie a knot to keep him from falling, but Kramer gives the rope to George, and then distracts him by asking him for food. Tony begins to climb again, but doesn't know that his harness isn't tied onto the wall, and he falls down the mountain. A few days later, Kramer and George tell Elaine what had happened. Upon hearing the news, Elaine quickly asks the two if there was any damage to his face, and is told that he hit his face off of a large rock. She rushes to Tony's house, to see that his face is completely bandaged. He tells her that he can't remember if the doctors said if there was any long-term damage to his face. At that time, George walks in to apologize to Tony about the trip, but Tony says that he doesn't want to see him anymore. While Jerry and Jane were at Jerry's apartment, Kramer walks in and is introduced to Jane for the first time. He starts to act strangely at the sound of her voice, and quickly refuses to split a taxi to go uptown. When she leaves, Kramer claims that her voice closely resembles that of "Erika", one of the girls on the phone sex line that he has been frequently calling, but Jerry doesn't believe him. At the coffee shop, Kramer is sitting at a table by himself, saying to Jerry that he made a date with Erika, to prove that it is, in fact, Jane. When Jane arrives, Jerry is shocked. She moves to Jerry's table instead of Kramer's, but Kramer still persists on calling her "Erika", as he and Jerry confront her, claiming that she "sells sexual pleasure over the phone". She dispels the claims by saying she sells paper goods. Elaine hears Jane's voice, and realizes that she was the woman that refused to give her any spare toilet paper. Jane then says that she needs to use the washroom, and Elaine races her to the door. There is then a camera angle of the washroom stalls very similar to the one used at the beginning of the episode. Jane's voice is heard asking the woman in the stall next to hers, who she doesn't know, if they have any toilet paper, but is revealed to be Elaine, who tells Jane that she "can't spare a square". Jane then exclaims that it's the same woman from the movie theater, and then Elaine is shown running out of her stall, carrying many rolls of toilet paper. After exiting the restroom, Jane tells Jerry to never call her again, and then she turns to Kramer and says for him not to call her either, but using a "flinty" voice, the same one she uses while in her Erika persona. Jerry and Kramer then look at each other with their mouths opened, visibly stunned.

The whale's supposed to be
an intelligent animal.

You hear about how they communicate
by song from miles away...

how extensive their vocabulary is.

From the rate we're pushing
the whales off the beach...

back into the ocean,
the words "shore" and "close"...

do not appear to be
in their vocabulary.

I'd say to them,
"Concentrate less on the singing...

a little more on the approaching
Cuervo beach volleyball tournament...

if you want to maintain
that brainy-mammal image."

I can't believe this.
What a dope!

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

This is...
This is kind of embarrassing...

but there's no toilet paper
over here.

Are you talking to me?

Yeah. I just forgot to check,
so if you could spare some...

No, I'm sorry.

- What?
- No, I'm sorry. I can't spare it.

- You can't spare it?
- No. There's not enough to spare.

Well, I don't need much.
Just three squares will do it.

I'm sorry, I don't have three squares.
Now, if you don't mind...

Three squares?
You can't spare three squares?

No, I don't have a square to spare.
I can't spare a square!

Well, is it two-ply? Because
if it's two-ply, I'll take one ply.

One ply. One puny little ply.
I'll take one measly ply!

Look, I don't have a square
and I don't have a ply!

No, no, don't go! I beg you!

I love this artificial flavoring.

I like it better than butter.
I think it's more consistent.

You would not believe what just
happened to me in the bathroom.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey, where's my popcorn, babe?
- What?

My popcorn. You were supposed
to get me popcorn.

Did you forget about me, babe?

You would not believe what just
happened to me in the bathroom.

I mean, a person needs a certain
amount of toilet paper to be covered.

I simply could not spare it.

This woman just didn't get it.
She kept harassing me.

Three squares!
That's all I was asking for.

Three squares!

She wouldn't stop.
"Help me! Help me!"

She was insane.

I was begging her.

"Please, please!"

She was insane.

Who does she think she is?
How dare she?

Do you want me to get
the manager?

Too bad they don't have old ladies
walking around with flashlights.

- Flush her out.
- I don't even know what she looks like.

I wonder where Elaine is sitting.
I really wanted you to meet her.

She's supposed to be here
with her new boyfriend.

I wonder where Jerry's sitting.

He's supposed to be here
with his new girlfriend.

- I'm dying to see what she looks like.
- Hey.

You think if I jumped off
that balcony, I'd get hurt?

- Hey. Hey, guy.
- Hey.

Can I use your phone
in your bedroom?

What's the matter with yours?

My batteries are dead.

It's not one of those 976 calls, is it?

Come on. Let me use it.
Five minutes. I'll pay you back.

Why do you do that?

I am never going
to the movies again.

Where were you last night?
I looked for you.

I looked for you too.
I was over on the side.

Oh, with pretty boy Tony.

- Yeah, right. Okay.
- "Hey. Hey." Tony.

- "Hey."
- That's nice. Listen to this.

I am in the bathroom, right,
before the movie starts...

and I'm in the stall,
and there's no toilet paper.

No what?

Toilet paper.


I ask this woman in the stall
next to me for some...

and she refuses!

Well, maybe she couldn't spare it.

- A square?
- Well, you know...

sometimes a square is everything.

- A ply?
- Elaine, you cannot judge a person...

in a situation like that. It's like
asking for someone's canteen in the desert.

- It's battle conditions.
- Yeah, well...

I just hope I run
into her again, okay?

Because I will never forget that
flinty voice. It is tattooed in my brain.

If I hear it, watch out.

So listen, what happened
with Jane last night?

Jane, she... She...

The four of us are going out
Saturday. That should be fun.

Yeah, that should be real fun.

- It's getting late. Can I call Tony?
- Yeah.

Then we'll get a cab
and we'll do it in the back seat.

How's that, Andre?

- Andre?
- What about the driver?

- We'd get in an accident.
- So what?

Well, that wouldn't be very good.

Hey, Andre, get the hell off
the phone!

- What is going on? Who is Andre?
- Kramer's Andre.

He's fooling around
with these 976 numbers.

Hey, I told you, I don't want you
doing that on my phone!

Jerry, I'm telling you,
this phone-sex thing is hilarious.

Like this Erica woman. Here, look.

You gotta call her.
What a voice she uses.

You know, it's weird, because
that voice sounded familiar to me.

- You hungry? Wanna..? Monk's?
- No. I gotta go downtown.

- You're giving me a lift home, right?
- Yeah.

So listen, what happened
last night with Jane?

Oh, nothing.
She just choked on a Jujube.

You know, I hate to tell you this,
but it is time to defrost your freezer.

I know.
I just can't bring myself to do it.

Meanwhile that freezer keeps
getting smaller and smaller.

Don't wanna keep Tony waiting.

- Hey, you got a problem with Tony?
- Hunky Tony. "Hey."

Okay. Jerry, I would be going out with
him no matter what he looked like.

- Of course you would.
- Oh, yeah. Like you're one to talk.

- Elaine...
- What?

It's different for a man.
We're expected to be superficial.

- I'm not being superficial.
- Elaine, he's a male bimbo.

He's a "mimbo."

He's not a mimbo.

He is an exciting, charismatic man...

who just happens to have
a perfect face.

And that's why
you're going out with him.

No, it is not.

You know, I think George
has a non-sexual crush on him.

I think he does too.

I mean, every time I see him,
it's Tony this, Tony that.

George is like a schoolgirl
around him.

So I said:

"Hey, dude...

you better step off."

- Step off?
- Yeah.

You said, "Step off"?

God, that is too much!

Hey, hey, Tony...

I just had this brainstorm for us.

- Can you guess what it is?
- No.


What do you say? Bowling, huh?

Bowling's insane!
Bowling is crazy time!


I don't think so, George.
You get no rush from bowling.

Rush? You want a rush?

Drop a ball on your toe, my friend!

Talk about a rush,
you'll be throbbing!

- You'll see visions!
- No, no, no.

I'm thinking...

rock climbing.

All right! Rock climbing!

Just the two of us? All right. All right.
Hey, I'll make some sandwiches.

What do you like?
Tuna, peanut butter?

- Whatever.
- All right. I gotta buy some bread.

You know, I am definitely down
for some rock climbing.

Yeah, me too. I am down.
I am totally down.

Mark me down.

Cool. So, what do you say
we climb a rock ma?ana?


Ma?ana might be a problem.
I'm supposed to...

have a boil lanced ma?ana...

and I think they charge me if I cancel
with only one ma?ana's notice.

- Hey, Kramer!
- Hey, Tony.

- Hey!
- Hey, Georgie.

Kramer, my man,
what are you doing ma?ana?

Ma?ana I'm doing nada.

What do you say you scale some rock
with me and George?

Tony, that's gonna be
too many sandwiches.

Come on, Kramer.
What do you say?

Kramer, it's pretty dangerous
up there.

- No, I'm down.
- Yes!

- Yeah! I'll see you.
- All right, buddy. Take it easy, Kramer.

You down, George? What's wrong?

- Oh, no, I am down.
- Yeah!

Rock climbing?

Where do you come off
going rock climbing?

Rock climbing?

You need a boost
to climb into your bed.

All right. All right.

What is it with you and Tony?
What, you're his sidekick now?

Yeah. That's right. I like it.

He's such a cool guy.

"A cool guy"?
What, are you in eighth grade?

He's the first cool guy
I've ever been friends with in my life.

It's a different world
when you're with a cool guy.

He's not afraid of anybody.

You should hear the way
he talks to waitresses.

He gets free pie!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Nice move today.
- What?

Horning in on my rock-climbing trip!

It's just supposed to be
me and Tony.

- He asked me.
- You put him on the spot.

You know, I think that
you're in love with him.


- That's ridiculous!
- No, no. I don't think so.

You love him.

You better be careful on
those rocks tomorrow, buddy.

And you're not getting
any sandwiches either!

- You're making sandwiches?
- Hello?

I don't know if there's gonna be
places to eat up there.

- Who?
- Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter?

Hates it.

Good thing I asked.

Who is it?

- Well, she says Jane.
- Yeah, so?

Well, that voice, it's very familiar.
Throaty, almost flinty.

- Did you say "flinty"?
- Yeah. Yeah. Flinty.



Hey, George, you hear that echo?

Oh, God, please get off me!
I don't want to die up here!

Please! Please, please stop moving.
That's all I ask of you.

- Kramer! Kramer!
- Let go! Hey!

George, let go of my leg!
Grab the rock!

- Grab the rock!
- What rock?

The rock in front of you!

Come on, grab it!

You've gotta relax.
Try to yodel. Yodel.

- That's it. That's it.
- George! Kramer!

- Yeah?
- Take the rope...

thread it through the carabiner
and knot it.

Then I'll climb up to where you are.

- All right. George, you got it?
- Yeah.

- You got it, George?
- Yeah.

All right, take it.

Hey, George,
you got anything to eat, dude?

Yeah, I...

I got some sandwiches.

I got tuna and salmon salad, Tony...

because I know
you don't like peanut butter.


Do some...

I've got oil all over me.
Can I have your napkin?

- What?
- Your napkin. I'm dripping.

- Well, where's your napkin?
- I used it up.

Well, I need mine.

Oh, God, look at the time.
I gotta get to work.

You know, I'd like to hear
about this job of yours.

I told you already, it's very boring.

You know, I think I had
a little too much garlic.

- Can I have a piece of your gum?
- You're fine.

- Oh, how's this thing work?
- Just press it.

- It's Elaine.
- Oh, come on up.

- Who is it?
- It's Elaine.

- Is she coming up?
- Yeah.

Your breath is a little garlicky.
You better take some gum.

- Okay.
- Here, have a couple pieces.

It's weak. Weak gum. Yeah.

- Have some more. For the road.
- Isn't that too much?

Trust me. Believe me.

- It's good. Yes.
- Smells?

Yeah. Stinks. Terrible.

- Hi, Elaine.
- Hi.

How are you? This is Jane. Elaine.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Nice to meet you finally.

It is so nice to meet you.

I look forward to Saturday night.

Yeah, me too.

- Okay, so I'll see you Saturday night.
- Saturday night.

What is with the gum?

It's a big problem. She puts like four
pieces in her mouth. It's ridiculous.

I don't think we can
get together Saturday.

- Because of the gum?
- Well, it's too much. It's embarrassing.

- Why does she chew so many?
- She always has to be different.

- She's in there. I can hear her.
- All right, who's gonna tell her?

- You tell her.
- It was your fault.

If you hadn't come,
it wouldn't have happened!

I was the one who was invited,

- Well, look. Look who's here.
- Hey!

- What are you doing here?
- You're alive!

Yeah. Yeah.

- Did you have fun?
- Yeah.

- Well... Yes.
- For a little while.

Where's Tony?

Kramer was supposed to tie a knot...

- You were supposed to tie the knot.
- What, did something happen?


Tony took a bit of a tumble.

His face? Did something
happened to his face?

Well, it all depends on what
you mean by "happen."

- He's alive.
- Yeah.

What happened to his face?
Tell me, what happened?

Well, you see, he slipped
and landed on a kind of a...

- A rock.
- Yeah.

- The ambulance got there quickly.
- A big rock.

We rode with him to the hospital.

Yeah. I sang "99 Bottles
of Beer on the Wall."

Well, aside from that,
how'd he like the sandwiches?

So, what did the doctor say?

They said...

- They said I'm coming along.
- Yeah.

But what else did they say?

Well, let's see. They said:

"Tony, try to keep it clean."

Right. Yeah. No, I mean...

did they get into stuff like...

long, jagged scars...

or gross deformities,
major skin grafts, stuff like that?

I really don't remember.
I was kind of out of it...

the first couple of days.
I was on a lot of medication.

It was kind of like a haze.
It was pretty cool.

But, you know, in this
medicated haze...

in this sort of woozy state...

do you recall the words...

"radical reconstructive surgery"
being uttered?

I don't know. I don't know.

- Think, Tony. Think.
- I'm drawing a blank, babe.

Excuse me.

- Hi, Elaine.
- Yeah, this...

- This isn't a very good time, George.
- I just wanted...

to talk to Tony for a minute.

Step off, George.
I don't want to see you.

- Me? Step off?
- Yeah.

Tony says you better step off,
George, so...

But why? It wasn't my fault. I...
You asked me for a sandwich. I...

I made such delicious
sandwiches, Elaine.

Just beat it, dude!

Here, Elaine, here. It's Superman.

Tony, please. Next time,
it'll just be the two of us.

There won't be any next time,

- Oh, Tony, don't.
- Okay.

Step off, George, okay?
Can you just step off? Step off.

Step off. Step off.

- George, wait, wait.
- Yes?

Would you throw this trash out?

Oh, I've been waiting a while for this.

It's a shame Tony
got all banged up.

We're not gonna be able
to get together.

- Oh, that's too bad. What a shame.
- Yeah, it is.

It's a damn shame.
A damn shame.

- Maybe when he's feeling better.
- Yeah. Without a doubt. I'm down.

- Oh, hey. How you doing?
- Hey, hey.

- Jane, this is my neighbor, Kramer.
- Oh, hey.

Hello, Kramer.

Well, hello, Jane.

Jerry's told me so much about you,
I feel like I know you intimately.

I don't think so.
No, we never met.

- I never talked to you on the phone.
- Where you going?

- Uptown. To the Y.
- I'm going uptown. Wanna split a cab?

What about the driver?

What are you talking about?

I changed my mind.
Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna go now.

All right, I'll see you later.
Nice meeting you.

See you.

- What's with you?
- That's her.

- Who?
- Erica! She's Erica!

Oh, you think she's Erica,
the phone-sex woman?

Jerry, that voice
is tattooed on my brain, it's her.

- I'm telling you, it's her!
- Oh, you're crazy.

Am I? Or am I so sane
that you just blew your mind?

- It's impossible!
- Is it?

Or is it so possible that your head
is spinning like a top?

- It can't be!
- Can't it?

Or is your entire world
just crashing down all around you?

- All right. That's enough.
- Yeah!

He's supposed to get
the bandages off on Sunday.

- What if?
- What?

You know:

You're afraid he might look
like Zippy the Pinhead.

Yeah. I mean,
what is my obligation here?

You know, we were just dating.

It was probably gonna be over
in a couple of weeks anyway.

I thought you didn't care
about his looks.

I lied.

Are you kidding?
He's a mimbo. I know that.

But he's my mimbo.
And even if he is a hideous freak...

maybe I can learn to love him.

And maybe in some final irony...

I'll learn what love really is.

You know, Jerry?

I'm sorry. I didn't get most of that.

- Is that Kramer over there?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, Kramer.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- It's all set.
- What's all set?

Erica's gonna meet me here.
Now we're gonna find out the truth.

- How'd you get her to meet you here?
- We have a certain chemistry.

Oh, my God!

Hi. I thought I'd find you here.

- Hello, Erica.
- Erica? What are you talking about?

How could you say things
like that over the phone?

What are you talking about?

Selling sexual pleasure
on the phone?

I sell paper goods, you jerk.

Paper goods?

Excuse me.
Do you have a tissue?

No, I'm sorry. I can't spare it.
There's just not enough to spare.

Where's the ladies' room?

I have to go to the bathroom too.

Oh, damn.

Something wrong?

Yeah, there's no toilet paper in here.
I usually check. Would you mind?

I can't. I don't have it.
I don't have a square to spare.

I can't spare a square.

Hey, wait a minute.

- I know you!
- That's right, honey.

- And I know you!
- No. Wait!


- Here. Take it.
- Thanks.

Don't call me anymore.

You either.

Now, of course, the thing is
extreme sports. Bungee jumping.

To me, the bungee jumping is a sport,
so is being a crash-test dummy.

Just leaning does not
make it a sport.

It's like a Wile E. Coyote idea,
isn't it?

The thing I wonder about
the skydiving...

is why do they even
bother with the helmets?

Can you almost make it?

You might as well wear a party hat.
What's the difference?

You jump out of a plane
20,000 feet in the air...

the chute doesn't open,
I got news for you:

The helmet is now wearing you
for protection.

Later on, the helmet is talking
to the other helmets:

"Good thing he was there, or
I would have hit the ground directly."