Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Conversion - full transcript

George decides to convert to Latvian Orthodox to impress a girl, against his angry parents' objections. Meanwhile, Kramer converts a nun at the church, and Jerry takes a peek in his girlfriend's medicine cabinet and is stunned by what he finds.

You know, doctors must be such
a prestigious occupation...

but it's one of the only jobs...

where you have to have your
diploma right up there on the wall.

It makes them seem
so insecure, doesn't it?

"I really am a doctor, you know.

If you think I'm not,
just check it out."

I don't know why they need
these little bits...

of psychological
leverage over us.

"Go in that room, take your pants off,
wait 15 minutes...

then I'll give you my opinion."

After that, anybody with pants on...



seems like they know
what they're talking about.

In any difference of opinion,
pants always beats no pants.

Can I say one word to you?

Lobster.

The lobster here is unbelievable.

A little expensive.

- Twenty-five dollars.
- Yes, well, you know...

I'm not thinking about the price.

You know, you're the only woman
I've never thought about the price.

Get the lobster. I beg you to get it.

- Go for it. Go for the lobster.
- George...

George...

I think we have to talk.

I think we have a problem.



We do?

We can't keep seeing each other.

Why?

Because it's over.

It's my parents, George.

The differences in our religion...

George...

can you ever forgive me?

Have you decided yet?

Yes. I'll have the lobster.

You know, I'm starting to think that
maybe lobster isn't the way to go.

- What? He asked you out?
- We started to talk, I told him I jog...

and he put his hand on my heart.
- On your heart?

- Jerry, the man is a doctor.
- Doctor. He's a podiatrist.

So? Same thing.

Anyone can get into podiatry school.
George got into podiatry school.

- Really?
- Sure.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi.

- Are you gonna be stopping by later?
- Yes, I'll be stopping.

- Okay. I'll see you later.
- See you later.

Well, we can't all be
dating podiatrists.

- It's over.
- What?

- How'd you get in?
- Kramer.

- What's that?
- Lobster.

Looks like a swan.

- She says we can't go out anymore.
- Why?

Because I'm not Latvian Orthodox.

Her parents won't let her date
anyone who isn't Latvian Orthodox!

Latvian Orthodox?

It is lobster.

She's limiting herself
to Latvian Orthodox?

- That's too bad.
- I know.

This was the only woman
I never lied to.

Well, that's not entirely true.

Oh, whatever.

- This is delicious.
- Succulent.

She knew I didn't have a job.
She knew I lived at home.

Didn't seem to bother her.

I think I could have married
this woman.

Why don't you just ask her parents?

I can't. I met them. They're devout.

You know, in the cab
on the way over here, I...

I actually thought about converting.

- To Latvian Orthodox?
- Why not? What do I care?

You know, it's not like
changing toothpaste.

I think it would be romantic.

- Really?
- Yeah. It's like Edward Vlll...

abdicating the throne
to marry Mrs. Simpson.

Like King Edward.

- Like King Edward, Jerry.
- Yeah, well...

King Edward didn't live in Queens
with Frank and Estelle Costanza.

You know what?
I could probably do this.

- What's the difference?
- George, I was just kidding around.

I wouldn't even tell her.
I could surprise her.

- George, I wasn't serious.
- How hard could it be?

You make a little contribution,
you have a ceremony.

I am gonna think about this.

I am really gonna think about this.

- I guess this one is my fault.
- Oh, yeah.

That was nice. Have you always
been such a good kisser?

I don't know. Not always.

No?

No, I... I had to work at it.

As a kid, while kids were out playing,
I'd be in my room practicing kissing.

It was worth it.

I'll be right back.

- Where are you going?
- To wash my hands.

- They're sticky from the orange.
- Meet you back here?

- Right there.
- Okay.

Fungicide?

Fungus?

Fungicide.

- I mean, what could she have?
- I don't know.

- Fungus.
- Exactly.

- So, what'd you say?
- I said I was coming down...

with the flu and I had to go home.

What were you doing
opening her medicine cabinet?

I didn't open it. It was open.
I just nudged it a little.

- You were snooping.
- I was not snooping.

I did not break the seal.
There was no breaking and entering.

- I wouldn't do that.
- I would.

I always open medicine cabinets.

Well, I trust people not to do that.

Big mistake.

Why don't you ask
that doctor what it is.

Now he's a doctor?
Before he was a podiatrist.

But that's what podiatrists do.
They deal in fungus.

They're knee-deep in fungus.
This guy knows fungus.

I am not going to ask him
about funguses.

Fungi.

- What?
- Fungi.

Why do you want to accept
the Latvian Orthodox faith?

In this age of uncertainty
and confusion...

a man begins to ask himself
certain questions.

How can one even begin
to put into words something so...

Enigmatic?

- Vast?
- No, not vast.

Well, whatever it is,
basically you like the religion.

- Yes.
- Is there one aspect of the faith...

you find particularly attractive?

I think the hats.

The hat conveys that solemn
religious look you want in a faith.

Very pious.

Are you familiar
with Orthodox theology?

Well, perhaps not to the extent
that you are, but...

But I know the basic plot, yeah.

- Plot?
- Yes, you know, the flood...

and the lepers
and the commandments and all that.

Well, it's obvious
you are sincere in your desire.

Oh, yes, I am, Father.
Incredibly sincere.

So...

am I in?

The first step would be
to familiarize yourself...

with these texts.

You see, Father, I'm incredibly
anxious to become a member.

Don't you offer any kind
of an express conversion?

A quick change?

Yes?

Oh, I'm sorry. Father, there's a man
waiting in the chapel.

Well, you may attend to it, Sister.

This is George Costanza.
He is interested in joining the Church.

Are you? Well, that's wonderful.

- Well, good luck to you.
- Thank you.

Nice nun.

No, no. Sister Roberta is not a nun.

She is what we call a novice.

She won't be taking her final vows
until next Thursday.

May I help you?

Yeah. I'm here to pick up my friend,
George Costanza.

- Well, he's in with the Father.
- Oh, yeah.

- I'm Sister Roberta.
- Oh, Kramer, yeah. It's a pleasure.

Mine.

I can't believe how easy it is.
I'm virtually Orthodox.

All I have to do is read a few books,
memorize a few prayers...

and I'm in the club.

- That's all there is to it?
- That's all there is to it.

By Christmas Day,
I will be Brother Costanza.

And what is Brother Costanza
planning on telling Mother Costanza?

Brother Costanza will be taking
the vow of silence.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, a Slinky.

- Sister Roberta gave it to me.
- Why'd she give you that?

Well, I think she liked me.

- What do you mean, she liked you?
- Liked me.

Kramer, they like everybody.
They're friendly people.

I think I picked up on a vibe.

- You picked up on a vibe from a nun.
- Yeah.

Jerry, I'm telling you,
I have this power...

and I have no control over it.

Yeah. All right.

That's my phone.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Just wanted to stop by and see
how you were feeling.

A little better.

Okay. If you need anything,
let me know.

- Okay. All right.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Story.

She's subletting Carol's place
for a month.

- Yeah. She likes you.
- Yeah. But there's a problem.

I found a tube of a fungicide
in her medicine cabinet.

- So?
- So I don't know why she's using it.

How do you even know it's hers?
Maybe it belonged to Carol.

- Did you see a name on the tube?
- I didn't look.

Well, take a look.
It might not even belong to her.

People always leave things
in medicine cabinets.

I got this old bottle
of cough medicine.

I still have Brylcreem.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Could I use your bathroom?
- My bathroom?

- You sure you don't mind?
- Oh, of course not.

People ask me medical questions
all the time.

Well, I mean, the question
isn't even for me, actually.

- It's for a friend.
- Elaine, I'm used to it.

- I'm a doctor.
- Well...

podiatrist.

No, no. I'm just saying, you didn't
really go to medical school.

You went to podiatry school...

which I'm sure is very grueling
in its own way.

I went to podiatry school
because I like feet.

I chose to work with feet.

- I like feet too. I'm just saying...
- Saying what?

- How you doing in there?
- Fine. All done.

- Just looking for the soap.
- No soap?

No, I don't see it.

Here you go.

George?
What are you doing in there?

What? Nothing.

- You've been in there an hour.
- You don't feel well?

- I'm fine.
- I want to know...

what you're doing in there.
- Nothing.

- George, open the door.
- No.

- Georgie.
- No!

- Hey.
- Good evening.

I hope I'm not disturbing you...

but I found another toy
I thought you might like.

Okay. Latvius was the son
of which apostle?

And I'll need that
in the form of a question.

I don't know. I can't believe
they're making me take this test.

- Hey, did you talk to the doctor?
- No.

All right, the next time you see him,
show him this.

- You took her medicine.
- Well, not on purpose. I was...

I was hoping there'd be
a name on the tube.

- When are you seeing him again?
- I don't know. We got into this thing...

about how podiatrists
aren't real doctors.

How could you say that?

That's your fault.
You just got me thinking.

I was merely speaking
extemporaneously.

I've got nothing against the foot.
I'm pro-foot.

Me too.

- Do you think I should apologize?
- Yes. He's a doctor.

Wait a second.

- What are you doing?
- What does it look like I'm doing?

"Matthew. Luke.

Paul."

What, you're cheating
on your conversion test?

- I told you.
- What?

- I told you she liked me.
- Who?

- Sister Roberta.
- How do you know?

She told me.
She said she's never had a man...

stir up all these feelings
inside of her.

She's questioning her faith.
She's thinking of leaving the Church.

All this power!

Look what I'm doing.
I'm dangerous, Jerry.

I'm very, very dangerous!

I must say, George,
I was somewhat surprised...

at the results
of your conversion test.

I don't recall having seen
such an impressive performance.

You truly must be filled
with the spirit of the Lord.

Oh, I'm full of it, Father.

Yes? Yes?

Yes, yes, I see.

I'm sorry. Something has come up.

Oh, sure. I understand.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

- You wanted to see me, Father?
- Yes.

Please sit down.

Sister Roberta came
to see me yesterday...

I know what this is about, Father.
I didn't do anything.

I just spoke to her innocently
for just a few minutes.

It's just that I...

I have this power.

Yes.

It is a Latvian word which means
"the lure of the animal."

I don't understand.

Women are drawn to you.

They would give anything
to be possessed by you.

Help me, Father. Help me!

Yes, yes. I will help you.

Now, listen very carefully.

I want you to buy
10 cloves of garlic...

three quarts of vinegar...

6 ounces...

What is that stench? I got it.

- Hey.
- Hey, what the hell is going on?

- It stinks. What are you doing?
- I've got the kavorca.

- The kavorca? What is that?
- The lure of the animal.

- I'm dangerous.
- What is this thing around your neck?

The priests, they're helping me.
I just bathed in vinegar.

You know, you're funkifying
the whole building.

Keep away, Jerry. Just keep away.

Kramer! Kramer!

George Costanza?

Estelle's son?

Latvian Orthodox?

- Why are you doing this?
- For a woman.

A woman?
What, are you out of your mind?

Why can't you do anything
like a normal person?

Wait. Is this the group that goes
around mutilating squirrels?

No, it's a regular religion.

I'm calling my lawyer. It might not be
too late to get out of this.

- I don't want to get out of it!
- But, George...

you don't know what you're saying.
You're under their control.

- What, they brainwashed you?
- No. No.

You're not performing any rituals
in this house!

Go back to the psychiatrist.
I beg you.

And stay away from those squirrels.

- Oh, hi.
- How you doing, Jerry?

- Good. What's the matter?
- I'm tired.

I hardly slept last night
with all the scratching.

Bonkers was going crazy.

- Bonkers?
- My cat.

He's got this weird
sort of skin condition.

It's some type of fungus.
I couldn't find his medicine.

- Oh, it's your cat!
- What?

Nothing.

- Are you ready, my son?
- Yes, "faddah."

- What did you say?
- What?

I thought you said "faddah."

I said "faddah." I...

I meant "Father."
Just a little bit nervous.

Of course.

How you doing?

Get away from me, you creep.

Yes. Yes, it worked!

Sister Roberta.
I still got time to catch her.

I gotta get there.

Congratulations, George.

Welcome to the faith.

Sister Roberta, would you please
offer the final benediction?

I can't.

I'm sorry.
It's a beautiful religion...

but I am not worthy of it.

I've found something else.

Him.

You know, because I love the foot.
I'm a big fan of the foot.

Well, it's my fault.
I got a little defensive.

And that pinkie toe. Come on!

How adorable is the pinkie toe?

It's my favorite toe.

Let's face it. You get a bunion,
where you going?

- You're not going to the ear guy.
- No, you're not.

Would you excuse me?
I'll be right back.

- Where's the bathroom?
- It's right down here to the left.

I will meet you right back here?

Elaine, it's her cat.
Her cat has the fungus.

So I need the tube back.

Fungicide?

Fungus?

Something's wrong.
I don't feel the same lure.

You don't?

What have I..?

I must return to the Church.

By the way, you really need
to take a bath. You stink.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Once you put medicine
in your cabinet...

you're never using it again.
Medicine you use is on the sink.

It's not really a medicine cabinet.
It's really like an ointment museum.

It's like, "Here's a salve from 1983...

some cream from the '70s."
But you want to keep it private.

A medicine cabinet is a place
that reveals our weaknesses...

and can throw off the balance
between people that are going out.

Somebody peeks in there,
"Oh, I see Mr. Perfect needs...

tough actin' Tinactin.

Well, I guess I'll be calling the shots
in this relationship from now on."

- You did that for me?
- Well, I didn't do it for my mother.

- I'm really flattered.
- Yeah.

But I just don't feel ready
to make a commitment yet.

Maybe when I get back from Latvia.

Latvia?

Yes. I'm going to stay
with some relatives there for a year.

Isn't it great?

Enjoy. Enjoy.

Oh, George. You are so sweet.

Don't ever change.

I'd like a doggy bag for this, please.