Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Dinner Party - full transcript

It is my opinion that we never should
have landed a man on the moon.

It's a mistake.

Now everything is compared
to that one accomplishment.

Everybody goes, "I can't believe
they can land a man on the moon...

and taste my coffee."

We would've been happier if we
hadn't landed a man on the moon.

We'd go, "They can't make a
prescription bottle that'll open easily?

I'm not surprised they couldn't land on
the moon. Things make perfect sense."

Neil Armstrong should've said,
"That's one small step for man...

one giant leap for every whining,
complaining SOB on the Earth."

Hey, do you believe I got
"Happy New Year'd" today?



It's February.

I once got
"Happy New Year'd" in March.

- It's disgusting.
- It's pathetic.

- Hey, is it cold out?
- Really cold.

- Scary cold?
- What's your definition of scary cold?

Hi.

That.

What is that?

- What?
- When did you get that?

This week. My father got
a deal from a friend of his.

It's Gore-Tex.

You know about Gore-Tex?

You like saying Gore-Tex,
don't you?

Look at you. You can't even
turn around in that thing.



Look at this.

Hey, George, can you feel this?
Can you..?

All right, all right! Knock it off.

Come on, let's go.

We should stop off on the way
and get a bottle of wine or something.

What for?

These people invited us for dinner.
We have to bring something.

Why?

Because it's rude otherwise.

You mean just going there
because I'm invited...

- that's rude?
- Yes.

You're telling me, instead of them
being happy to see me...

they'll be upset because
I didn't bring anything.

You see what I'm saying?

The fabric of society
is very complex, George.

I don't even drink wine.
I drink Pepsi.

You can't bring Pepsi.

Why not?

Because we're adults.

What, you're telling me that wine
is better than Pepsi?

No way wine is better than Pepsi.

George, I don't think
we wanna walk in there...

and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi
in the middle of the table.

I don't like the idea that any time
there's a dinner invitation...

there's this annoying little
chore that goes along with it.

You're getting to be
an annoying little chore yourself.

All right, let's go. Who's driving?

You are. I can't get that thing
in my car.

Where's the heat in this car?
Come on. Warm me up.

- It's cold. Give us a little squeeze.
- Get off of me.

Get off of... Get off of me.

You're comfortable up there,
bubble boy.

Oh, yeah.
You wish you had this coat.

I was just thinking,
the four of us can't show up...

- with just one bottle of wine.
- Oh, here we go.

- What?
- Why don't we get them a couch.

We'll rent a U-Haul.
We'll bring them a nice sectional.

We should bring some cake.
Will you stop off at the bakery?

Why don't you just get some
Ring Dings from the liquor store.

Ring Dings?

Ring Dings are better
than anything at a bakery.

I like Ring Dings.

George, you can't show up
at someone's house...

with Ring Dings and Pepsi.

Hey, your lights are on!

It's a funeral procession.

I got news for you.
I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi...

I become the biggest hit of the party.

People would be coming up,
"Between you and me...

I'm really excited about
the Ring Dings and the Pepsi."

What are we, Europeans, with
the Beaujolais and the chardonnay?

Oh, Kramer, that's the bakery.
Stop here. Stop here.

- All right.
- Okay, let me out.

- You, whatever your name is.
- Jerry.

Yeah, Jerry. Come with me.

We'll get the wine,
pick you up here in 10 minutes?

- Yeah.
- All right.

I love the smell of bakeries.

Look, Elaine,
the black-and-white cookie.

I love the black-and-white.

Two races of flavor living
side by side in harmony.

It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?

You know, I often wonder what you'll
be like when you're senile.

- I'm looking forward to it.
- Yeah. It'll be a very smooth transition.

Thank you.

All right.
What are we getting?

Chocolate babka.
That's their specialty.

- Love that babka.
- Yeah, yeah.

But listen. Elaine,
when we get up to the door...

you hold the cake box.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Just standing there with a box,
holding it by the little string...

- You think it's effeminate?
- It's a tad dainty.

Oh, we forgot to pick a number.

See, that's not fair. We were here
ahead of all these people.

You think I should go
and ask her for hers?

- No, forget it.
- No, no, no. It's not fair.

Just because they have a ticket
doesn't mean they were here first.

We were ahead of them
and them and her.

Come on, let's just go
ask them. Come on.

Excuse me.

Well, I'm not finding a spot here.

What do you wanna do?

- Just double-park.
- No.

- Why not?
- I'll get a ticket.

What if somebody wants
to get out of here?

People get spaces this good,
they never give them up.

That's a fallacy.

All right, I tell you what.

Go into the store,
and I'll wait in the car.

Why don't you go into the store,
and I'll wait in the car?

Because I've got the coat.

- I can sit in the car and not get cold.
- I'll leave the car heater running.

- Does the heater work in this car?
- No.

There's a spot right in front
of the liquor store. You see? You see?

- But we were here ahead of you.
- How do I know that?

Well, we saw you come in.

- Well, that's easy for you to say.
- Oh, yeah, right.

That's something I do.

I make up stories to get ahead
in lines at bakeries.

Forty-six.

Wait. Wait a second.

Are you Barbara Benedict?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I don't... I know you.

I'm... I'm Elaine Benes.

Do you remember? We met
at Linda van Grak's baby shower.

I'm on my way over there right now.

Yeah, me too.

- You're Jerry, right?
- David.

Well, this is a little awkward, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

You know, we were here
ahead of you.

- You're not getting my number.
- So you still don't believe us.

- Forty-seven.
- That's us.

Oh, okay, fine. Fine.
Go ahead. But listen.

As soon as I get there...

I'm gonna tell everyone
what a jerk you are.

I'll be there ahead of you and I'll
be telling them what a jerk you are.

I'll have the chocolate babka.

You're lucky, Mrs. Benedict.
It's our last one.

All right, what are we getting?
It's hot in here.

What do you say
we get a Mouton Cadet?

- What's that?
- It's a Bordeaux.

Robust, bold, very dry...

as opposed to a Beaujolais,
which is richer and fruitier.

- All right, here's one. Twelve dollars.
- Twelve dollars?

We should've gone to the bakery.
They're not getting no 12-dollar cake.

I'll pay you back later.
I don't have my wallet.

- Why not?
- I don't like to carry my wallet.

My osteopath says
that it's bad for my spine.

Throws my hips off-kilter.

Throws your hips off-kilter.

- So where's your money?
- I never take it.

- So, what do you do?
- Oh, I get by.

See you later.

- See you later.
- See you later.

That's the last babka.
They got the last babka.

I know. They're going in first
with the last babka.

- That was our babka.
- You can't beat babka.

We had that babka.

They're gonna be heroes.

So, what now? If we can't get the
babka, the whole thing's useless.

- Well, how about a carrot cake?
- Carrot cake?

Why is that a cake? You don't
make carrots into a cake, I'm sorry.

- Black Forest?
- Black Forest? Too scary.

You're in the forest.

- Hey, how about a napoleon?
- Napoleon?

Who's he to have a cake?
He was a ruthless warmonger.

Might as well get a Mengele.

That was our babka.
We had that babka.

- What's this one?
- That? Cinnamon babka.

Another babka?

There's chocolate,
and there's cinnamon.

Well, we gotta get the cinnamon.

Yeah, but they got the chocolate.
We'll be going in with lesser babka.

I beg your pardon.

Cinnamon takes a back seat
to no babka.

People love it. It should be on tables in
restaurants with salt and pepper.

Someone says,
"This is so good. What's in this?"

The answer comes back, "Cinnamon,
cinnamon," again and again.

Lesser babka? I think not.

Forty-nine.

I'll have a cinnamon babka.

And a black-and-white cookie
for me.

Peace.

That'll be 13.05.

All right, here you go.

A hundred. I can't change that.

- You can't? All right, let's go.
- Wait a second.

I can get change.

Hey, anybody got change
for a hundred?

Are you crazy? What are you doing?

- You're gonna get us killed.
- What?

Don't go shouting we got a $100 bill.
People will be all over us.

Let's buy something
and we'll get change.

I am not buying something
just to get change.

George, there's a newsstand right
over there. Now, come on.

- What are we doing?
- Just get some gum or something.

Pack of gum. Here you go.

What, it's a hundred?
I can't change a hundred.

- Why not?
- You gotta buy more than that.

Here. Get a newspaper.

- Newspaper.
- Not enough.

Clark Bar.

- Clark Bar.
- Keep going.

- I'm up to $2 here.
- Here.

- George, get a Penthouse Forum.
- I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum.

No, that'll make great
dinner-party conversation.

We'll read the letters
at the dinner table.

- Oh, that's nice.
- You ever read one of these?

It's not real. They're all made up.

Oh, it's real.

You know, then there's an unusual
number of people having sex...

with amputees.

Penthouse Forum.

Newspaper, gum, Clark Bar.

Six seventy-five.

Oh, great. All right, with the wine,
I'm in over $20 now.

- Big coat. Big coat!
- Yes.

I'm sorry. It's a new coat.

It's Gore-Tex.

We better be careful with that thing.

You'll start a war.

See, the key to eating
a black-and-white cookie...

is you wanna get some black
and some white in each bite.

Nothing mixes better
than vanilla and chocolate.

And yet still somehow,
racial harmony eludes us.

If people would only
look to the cookie...

all our problems would be solved.

Well, your views on race relations
are just fascinating.

You really should do
an op-ed piece for The Times.

Look to the cookie, Elaine.

Look to the cookie.

What is this?

What?

It's a hair.

Take it back.
Get another one.

- No, we're late. I'll take it off.
- Get another one. It'll take a second.

All right, all right.

- Excuse me.
- Hey, hey.

- I'm on line here.
- No, no, we just bought this.

You sold us a cake with a hair on it.

You have to take a number.

We waited 15 minutes for this.

You sell me a cake with
a hair on it...

and then you want me to wait?

What are you doing?
You're gonna wait now?

I'm not gonna eat a cake
with a hair on it.

It was a little hair. I took it off.

A little hair?
Do you think that makes it better?

- What if it's your hair?
- What if it's your hair?

What is wrong with my hair? Nobody
takes better care of their hair than me.

You can serve dinner on my head.

You use that misty herbal rainwater
crap they sell in the health food store.

I use Prell, the hard stuff.

Hundred proof, takes your roots out.

Okay, fine. We'll just wait
till she calls the number.

Maybe we should forget
about the cake.

No. I'm bringing cake.

All right, we got the wine.
Aren't we lucky? We got wine.

Imagine if we didn't bring the wine.
We'd be shunned by society.

Outcasts.
"Where's your wine? Get out!"

"I know this is gonna sound
like a crazy fantasy...

but every word
of this story is true.

A few weeks ago, my girlfriend
mentioned to me...

how attractive she thought
our new neighbor, Linda, was."

Look... Look at this.

Somebody double-parked
and blocked us in.

Does anybody know
whose car that is?

Maybe there's a note on it.
Oh, brother.

No. No note.

- Can you believe this?
- "Of course, I noticed her too...

with those ample breasts
and pouty lips.

I don't have to tell you
she was a knockout."

I really cannot comprehend how stupid
people can be sometimes.

- Can you comprehend it?
- No, I can't comprehend it.

We can put a man on the moon,
but we're still basically very stupid.

The guy whose car this is could be
the guy that built the rocket.

- You see what I'm saying?
- He could build the rocket.

He's still stupid for double-parking
and blocking somebody in.

So you understand my point about
building rockets and double-parking?

On one hand, he's smart with rockets.
On the other, he's dumb with parking.

It's cold out here, huh?

Maybe it's not stupidity.
Maybe it's just a blatant disregard...

for basic human decency.

This is how dictators start.

Think Mussolini would circle
the block six times for a spot?

How about Idi Amin, huh?

If I was running for office, I'd ask for
the death penalty for double-parkers.

If this is allowed to go on,
this is not a society.

This is anarchy!

- Are those shoes comfortable?
- No, not really.

- They look comfortable.
- That's why I got them, but they're not.

Why couldn't we take
the hair off and go?

- No. That's out of the question.
- Why?

Because I had a bad experience
with a hair when I was younger.

- What happened?
- I'd rather not talk about it.

- You can't tell me?
- All right.

I once found a hair in my farina,
and I freaked out.

You found a hair in your farina?

Yeah.

- What happened?
- I screamed:

"There's a hair in my farina.
There's a hair in my farina."

I ran out of the house.
I was running and running.

I was little, but I could run really fast.

And I... I just kept running and...

they found me three hours later
collapsed at a construction site.

- Whose hair was it?
- My mother's.

- Fifty-eight.
- That's us.

Oh, good.

You sold us a hair
with a cake around it.

We'd like another one.

Oh, that's lovely.
That's what you wanna see, yeah.

Yeah, you wanna trade your hair
for some phlegm.

You win the pennant with that trade.
Hair for phlegm.

Here you are.

Okay. All right,
we got the cake now.

Where is George and Kramer?

Hey, double-parker!

Show yourself!

Come on out, I'm freezing.

We are really late now.

- We're in big trouble. Big trouble.
- Why?

You know, Elaine.

What about her?

I'm a little scared of her.

- You're scared of Elaine?
- Yes.

Why?

Did you ever see her
lose her temper?

I was once late because
I bought a Panama hat.

She pulled it down so hard
my head came right through the top.

Let's go inside the liquor store.
I'm freezing.

- Why don't you wear a heavier coat?
- I wanted to look good for the party.

Hey, hey, hey. That's great.
That's very nice.

We been waiting 20 minutes
for you people.

- You think you're Mussolini?
- Back off, puffball, it's not my car!

I wasn't talking to you.

I'm going in.

Wait till I get my hands
on that George.

I am gonna pull that big hood
over his little head...

tie the strings...

and suffocate him.

You remember that Panama hat?

That was nothing.

What?

- What's the matter with you?
- I don't know. I don't feel so good.

What's wrong?

My stomach.

I think it was that cookie.

- The black-and-white?
- Yeah.

Not getting along?

I think I got David Duke
and Farrakhan down there.

If we can't look to the cookie,
where can we look?

My stomach.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

- Wait. What about your vomit streak?
- I know.

I haven't thrown up
since June 29, 1980.

- Sorry.
- Sorry?

You almost took my toe off.

Why don't you watch
what you're doing, you lunatic.

Jerry, I think he broke my toe.

Where..? Where you going?

Fourteen years down the drain.

You think chickens have
individual personalities?

I don't know.

Could you tell five chickens apart...

just by the way they acted?
Or would they all be walking around:

If they have individual personalities,
I'm not sure we should be eating them.

What's the matter with you?

Can I help you guys with anything?

No, no. We bought
the wine here before.

We're blocked in by some car
double-parked.

Just waiting for the
guy to pull out.

Well, wait outside.
This isn't a hang out.

- But my friend here has hypothermia.
- Hypothermia.

All right, guys.

Take it outside.

You're paying for these.

- How was it?
- Good as it gets.

You know, that coat was Gore-Tex.

It's worth a hell of a lot more
than that cheap chardonnay.

You know I'm freezing?
I'm definitely freezing.

I can't stop shaking.

I'm cold too. At least you got a coat.

Let's get in the car.

Oh, my God.
That's Saddam Hussein, the dictator.

I told you. I told you.

I wouldn't walk around
without a coat.

You'll catch your death of cold.
So long.

Can I get you anything else?

- Oh, no, thanks.
- How about a nice box of scram?

Somebody double-parked.
We couldn't help it.

Might've been Saddam Hussein.
We're not sure.

He had a British accent, though.

What..? What happened to you?

Somebody put a cane on my foot...

just like the one
I'm gonna put up your...

Hey, what happened to your coat?

And what is that smell?
What, are you drunk?

- I had to give it to the liquor store guy.
- What for?

I spilled some chardonnay.

So, what did you get?

- Cinnamon babka.
- Cinnamon?

- Why didn't you get chocolate?
- George.

What? What? What?

Here. Here's your cake.

And your wine.

- See you.
- See you.

I heard a weatherman say...

that 75 percent of your body heat...

is actually lost
through the top of the head.

Which sounds like you could go
skiing naked if you got a good hat.

But no hat makes a statement
quite like the hat with the flaps.

The hat with the flaps...

makes a statement
that no other hat makes.

This hat says to the world:

"I would rather have
the heat in my skull...

than anything society
could possibly offer me."

In fact, if you're on trial
for a serious crime...

and your lawyer recommends
the insanity defense...

this is the hat to wear.

Your lawyer should really insist.
He should just go:

"Your Honor, the defense rests."