Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 10 - The Cigar Store Indian - full transcript

You can always tell what was the
best year of your father's life.

Because they freeze that clothing style
and just ride it out to the end.

It's not like they don't
continue shopping.

It's just they somehow manage
to find new old clothes.

Every father is like
this fashion time capsule.

It's like they should be
on a pedestal...

with someone next to them going,
"This was 1965."

To me, the worst thing
is shopping for pants.

I hate undressing
in the little room.

What men need is a place
to shop where you go in...

check your pants at the door
and walk around in your underwear.



That would be best. Then you'd
really have to lie to the salesman.

"Need some help?"
"No, just getting some air."

How would you describe
the smell in this house?

Dandruff?

Yeah, that's part of it. Kasha?

- There's some kasha.
- Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs...

cheap carpeting.
It's potpourri, really.

- All right, let's go. Come on.
- You're going?

Yeah. We shouldn't have bowled
that last game. I'm gonna be late.

These aren't candies, are they?

Did you use those?
These are guest soaps.

Well, I'm a guest.

Now my parents are gonna know
I had people over.

You're not allowed
to have people over?



I can't have any parties
while they're out of town.

This is a party?

Not anymore. Come on, get your ball.
We're leaving. Let's go.

- Who put this cup on the new table?
- I was having coffee.

- I put it on the coffee table.
- But you didn't use a coaster!

You left a stain!

Whoa, boy, there's always one
at every party, huh?

Come on.

- What's the big rush?
- I'm having people over.

- Who?
- The girls, for poker night.

You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona...

Winona's gonna be there?

Yeah. And she broke up
with the vitamin guy.

- Really?
- I'll put in a good word for you.

Thanks. Because
I would really like...

- All right! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- This not coming out.

- Just put a coffee-table book over it.
- My parents don't read.

They'll wonder what a book
is doing on the table.

Hey. You know what would make
a great coffee-table book?

A coffee-table book
about coffee tables.

Get it?

- Got it. Come on, let's go.
- Wait. Not so fast.

Jerry, you gotta take me
to get this thing refinished.

- Now?
- Yes, now. It'll take a few days...

and my parents will be back.
I gotta have it before then.

Jerry, you promised
you'd get me home by 7.

- We'll take the subway.
- That'll get you home in time.

- The subway? From Queens?
- Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat.

I'm sorry, Elaine,
I'll make it up to you.

I need something to read
on the subway.

- Here, read this.
- TV Guide?

Like a history of coffee tables.
Celebrities and their coffee tables.

It's a natural. This is a story
that must be told.

So you're gonna talk to your boss
about it, huh?

- First thing in the morning.
- Yes indeed.

- Next stop, Queensborough Plaza.
- Queensborough Plaza.

This stop is famous for its gyros.
You want one?

How will you get something
and get back on the train in time?

Well, they got a stand right out
on the platform.

The gyros are cooked, wrapped
and ready to go.

Three dollars, no change.

- You want one?
- No, thanks.

All right. But no bites.

Highlighter?

- Excuse me?
- To highlight the programs...

you plan to watch.

- Look, really, I'm just trying to read.
- Fine, okay.

It's just I've never seen...

a beautiful lady
reading the Guide...

so far away from a TV.

You must really like television.

Elaine!

Guess your boyfriend
will have to catch the next train.

- He's not my boyfriend.
- He's not?

Interesting.

Maybe I should get
Elaine something.

- Why?
- Well, I didn't drive her home.

Plus, I give her a gift
in front of Winona...

- how does that hurt me?
- Can't hurt you.

What about this thing?

The Indian?

Yeah, you know,
kind of a peace offering.

It's cute.

Well, I can have the table ready
for you on Monday.

All right, but no later.
My parents are coming back.

They left you home alone, huh?

Okay, see,
on this particular Tuesday...

you could have watched
six hours of Lucy.

There's I Love Lucy...

The Lucy Show...

Here's Lucy.

It's my stop.

Bye-bye.

Hey, miss, you forgot this.

They don't make these anymore.
The work is all done by hand.

It takes years and years. Sylvia.

For crying out loud,
you're 45 minutes late.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that your car out there?

- No, it's his.
- Oh, nice.

You guys are obviously
from Manhattan.

Well, he is. I live around the corner.

Really?

I didn't think any cool guys
lived in this neighborhood.

Well, they do now.

The neighborhood's changing.

- All right, I'll take it.
- Smart choice.

You bought the Indian?
Oh, you guys have great taste.

Well, we're collectors.

We see objects of great beauty...

and we must have them.

Bluffed you out, jack. Pair of deuces.

- Who is it?
- It's Jerry.

- Jerry.
- Surprise!

What is this?

Well, I felt bad about this afternoon,
so I got you something.

Oh, you did?
Do you guys all know Jerry?

- Hi, Jerry.
- Hi. Hi, Winona.

Nice to see you again.

- Elaine, is it your birthday?
- No.

I don't need a reason to give gifts.

It's my nature.
I love to make people happy.

Oh, that is so sweet.

- Are you ready?
- Yeah.

It's a cigar-store Indian.

Read the card.

That's very nice.
Thank you very much.

- Read it out loud.
- I don't think so.

We had a little fight this afternoon.

"Let's bury the hatchet.
We smokem peace pipe."

You know, it's late.
I really should go.

I don't blame you, Winona. I...

Are you out of your mind?

It's kitschy.

Winona is a Native American.

She is?

You've got very unusual taste.

I hope prune juice is all right.

- It's the only thing that was chilled.
- Oh, that's fine.

I'm sorry about that lock
on the liquor cabinet.

The combination must have
just flown out of my head.

It's a mental block.

Is this your son
in the bubble bath?

No, that's me.

You don't see too many guys
your age...

who keep baby pictures
of themselves around.

I like it.

It's consistent with the rest
of the house.

Yes, it is consistent.

I've tried to maintain a consistent feel
throughout the house.

- What is this we're listening to?
- The Ray Conniff Singers.

What's that smell? Kasha?

It's a potpourri. May I..?

May I show you
the master bedroom?

- Who is it?
- Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

Yeah?

Listen, I really felt bad
about what happened.

I'd really like to apologize.
Could I come up?

I'll come down.

- I came by to get my ball.
- It's right over there.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, it's got the magic grip.

How do you think
I bowled that 220 today, huh?

Yo.

- Where did this come from?
- Do you want it?

- I can have this?
- Yeah.

- You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours.
- Oh, I'll lug.

It's just that it's
a very sensitive issue for me.

And well it should be. I think
if you spent any time with me at all...

you'd see I'm very sensitive
to these matters as well.

You wouldn't be hungry
by any chance, would you?

I could go for a bite.

Do you like Chinese food?
I went to a Szechwan restaurant...

in this neighborhood.
I don't remember the address.

Excuse me, you must know
where the Chinese restaurant is.

Why must I know?
Because I'm Chinese?

You think I know where
all the Chinese restaurants are?

Oh, ask honorable Chinaman
for location of restaurant.

I thought because you're the mailman
you would know the neighborhood.

Oh, hello, American Joe, which way
to hamburger/hot-dog stand?

- I didn't know...
- You know what, it's late.

- I should probably just go home.
- I had no idea...

Hey, Jerry, look what I got.

He...

- Looks pretty good.
- Yeah, did a good job.

- I don't think they'll be able to tell.
- You know, I don't get it.

I'm not allowed to ask a Chinese
person where a Chinese restaurant is?

I mean, aren't we all getting
a little too sensitive?

Somebody asks me which way
is Israel, I don't fly off the handle.

- Anyway, what's the status with..?
- Well, she kind of calmed down.

I'm gonna see her tonight.

- Oh, great.
- Yeah. But I'm a little uncomfortable.

- I'm afraid to make another mistake.
- Come on.

Hello, hello.

- Hey, you're home.
- Hello, Georgie.

- The house looks very nice.
- Yeah, huh?

- Where's the mail?
- Hello, Jerry.

- Hello.
- So how was the trip?

Oh, your father.

Is there anything wrong with
getting a receipt at a tollbooth?

I'm going upstairs.

This stack should be bigger.
Where's the TV Guide?

- What TV Guide?
- I'm missing TV Guide.

Volume 41, number 31.

Elaine took it to read
on the subway.

- Elaine took it?
- I didn't know she took it.

Well, it's two weeks old.

How could you let her take
the TV Guide?!

He collects them.

You collect TV Guide?

The nerve of that woman.

Walking into my house,
stealing my collectibles.

Oh, my God!

This was in our bed.

What is this?

A prophylactic rubber?

What is this doing on my bed?

I don't know.

I'll see you later.

You were having sex on our bed?

Yes.

Who told you you could have sex
in our bed?

- Well, my bed is too small.
- Your bed is too small?

I'm gone two weeks,
and you turn our house...

into Bourbon Street?

Where am I going to sleep?

- What are you talking about?
- I can't sleep in there.

- Of course you can.
- I can't.

I can't!

That's it.

You're grounded.

You can't ground me.
I'm a grown man.

You wanna live here...

you respect the rules of our house.
You're grounded!

So where are we gonna go eat?

I thought we'd eat
at the Gentle Harvest.

I love that place,
but it's usually so crowded.

- Can we get a table?
- Oh, don't worry. I made reser...

- You made what?
- I...

I arranged for the appropriate
accommodations.

And then...

Knick tickets. Floor seats.

- How did you get these?
- Got them on the street from a scal...

From who?

One of those guys.

- What guys?
- You know, the guys...

that they sell the tickets
to the sold-out events.

Wait a second. You've got
the Mark McEwen TV Guide.

- That's Al Roker.
- They're both chubby weathermen.

I get Dom DeLuise
and Paul Prudhomme mixed up too.

- Could I have this?
- Sure, take it.

Thanks.

So Winona had the TV Guide.
Told you I'd make it up to you.

- Mr. Costanza was pretty mad, huh?
- Yeah.

You almost ruined his life's work.

- He collects these?
- Yeah.

All right, well, I will personally
go out to Queens...

and deliver his Al Roker
TV Guide to him.

What did you do
with the one you took?

I don't know.

- Oh, hey.
- Hi.

Yeah. Elaine, what did..?
What did he say, huh?

- What did who say?
- Your boss.

Didn't you tell him
about the coffee-table book?

- Yeah, you didn't tell him, did you?
- Kramer, it is such a dumb idea.

- I'd be totally embarrassed...
- Wait a minute...

- I would be embarrassed to bring it up.
- I thought it was a pretty good idea.

It's about coffee tables,
it's on a coffee table.

Yeah, right. And on the cover
is a built-in coaster.

- All right, I'm gonna go.
- Where are you going?

I'm gonna go to the cigar stores.
I'm gonna see if I can sell that Indian.

- My Indian?
- I think it's worth something.

It's kitschy.

How do you just walk into a house
and take a TV Guide?

How does she expect you
to watch TV?

Am I just supposed to turn it on...

and wander aimlessly
around the dial?

Hello. Is Elaine home?

Elaine Benes?

Oh, she's my son's friend.

And she's not welcome
in this house.

Because I made her
this very special gift, okay?

It's a bouquet of paper
from her TV Guide.

That's my TV Guide,
ripped to shreds!

- She gave that to you?
- Hey...

is that The Twilight Zone
you're watching?

- Yeah.
- Oh, this is a good one.

Next stop, Queensborough Plaza.

Gyro.

I like your place.
It's very unassuming.

Well, why would I assume?
I never assume.

It leads to assumptions.

Oh, by the way, that TV Guide
I gave you, I need it back.

- Why?
- I'm doing a report...

on minorities in the media, and I
wanted to use the Al Roker interview.

It's too late. I gave it to Elaine
to give to George's father.

Jerry, I really need it back.
It is mine.

You can't give something and then
take it back. I mean, what are you, a..?

What?

- A person that...
- A person that what?

Well, a person that gives something
and then they're dissatisfied...

and they wish they had never
given it to the person...

- that they originally gave it to.
- You mean, like an Indian giver?

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar
with that term.

I like the special fall preview issues
the best.

Those. I've been saving those
from the beginning.

These are worth, like,
a lot of money.

- Oh, hello, Elaine.
- Hello.

Elaine. Hello.

You look scrumptious.

Why'd you take my TV Guide?

I'm so sorry about that,
Mr. Costanza. But look, look.

- I brought you another one.
- I made this for you.

Thank you.

What is this?
You got stains all over it.

What the hell did you do?

- Hey, you can't talk to her like that.
- I'll talk to her any way I want.

Come on, Elaine. Let's go.

My coffee table!

I don't understand. How can you have
a cigar store without an Indian?

It's unseemly.

- I'll give you a box of coronas for it.
- Forget it.

Excuse me, are you selling
this Indian?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- I'm just redecorating my office...

in a southwestern motif,
and this would be perfect.

- Give you $500 for it?
- Giddyup.

Yeah? Could you help me
bring it up to my office?

I'm right next door.
Pendant Publishing.

Pendant Publishing.
Giddyup again.

Mr. Lippman, I'm sorry.
I was in Queens...

- Kramer.
- Yeah. Hi, Elaine.

What are you doing
in here with that?

Well, it's a business transaction.

Listen, petty cash
just had 10s and 20s.

- Go ahead. Count it.
- Yeah.

I'm sure it's all here.

I was just admiring
your coffee table out in the hall.

You like that, huh?

I had that custom-made
for me in Santa Fe.

- You mind if I use it in my book?
- What book?

Well, I'm doing a coffee-table book
on coffee tables.

About coffee tables?

That's fantastic.

- Who's your publisher?
- I'm still shopping it around.

Yeah? You see?

This is the kind of idea
you should be coming in with.

What the hell do you do
around here all day anyway?

- Well, I read manuscripts...
- The Indian really completes the room.

Don't you think?

I know this coffee table.
It's George Costanza's.

It's mine. I'm his mother.

Oh, I haven't seen George for a while.
He must be working very hard.

George doesn't work.

He's a bum.

That's why he lives at home with us.

He does?

I don't know why we think of this.
We just could call TV Guide.

I don't know.

Well, it's going to make
Mr. Costanza very happy.

I guess.

- What's the matter?
- What do you think is the matter?

I've been assigned to work
on Kramer's coffee-table book.

It is a good idea, Elaine.

Next stop, Queensborough Plaza.

- Do you want a gyro?
- I don't think so.

Elaine!

Well, I guess your boyfriend's
gonna have to catch the next train.

- He's not my boyfriend.
- He's not?

Interesting.

I was always excited as a kid when
that new TV Guide would come.

When that front cover
is nice and flat...

it seems like there's
good, fresh TV shows.

Then as the week goes by,
you start to hate the TV.

All the shows stink.
Everything's getting all crumpled...

and ripped from being sat on,
thrown across the room.

TV Guide's always thrown,
never handed to another person.

It's the world's most thrown
reading material.

"Where's the TV Guide?"
"There it is."

In the back of the TV Guide,
they have a phone number.

Ninety-five cents a minute,
they'll give you the answers...

to the TV Guide
crossword puzzle.

My question is if you can't do
the TV Guide crossword puzzle...

where are you coming
across 95 cents?