Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Masseuse - full transcript

Jerry is desperate for his new girlfriend, a professional masseuse, to give him a massage but every hint or suggestion seems to fall on deaf ears. They go on a double date with George and his new girlfriend and it's obvious that Jerry's girlfriend doesn't like him, which drives George to extremes. Elaine is dating a man named Joel Rifkin - not the serial killer - but he seems oblivious to his name and how people react to it. Her attempts to get him to change his name isn't entirely successful. Kramer comes up with a new idea for a book - a coffee table book about coffee tables.

If there is a serial killer loose in your
neighbourhood, it seems the safest thing...

is to be the neighbor.

They never kill the neighbor.
The neighbor survives to do...

the interview afterwards, right?
"He was kind of quiet."

These neighbors,
they're never disturbed...

by the sounds of murdering.
Just stereo.

Chain saws, people screaming, fine.

Just keep the music down.

And women who fall in love
with the killer.

They write to him in prison. Here's
a woman that's hard to disappoint.

She's only upset
when she finds out...

he's stopped killing people.
And she goes:

"You know, sometimes I feel like I don't
even know who you are anymore."

No. Eight years
isn't such a long streak.

- It isn't?
- No. I haven't vomited in 13 years.

- Get out.
- Not since June 29th, 1980.

You remember the date?

Yes. Because my previous vomit
was also June 29th, 1972.

That's why during the '80 vomit
I was yelling to George:

"Can you believe it?
I'm vomiting on June 29th again."

When Joel told me he hadn't
thrown up in eight years...

- I was wondering if he was normal.
- No, Elaine, he's normal.

Your boyfriend is normal.
He just has the same name...

as one of the worst serial killers
in history.

Oh, Jer, I gotta go. I gotta go.

- Hi.
- Hey.

We just saw your boyfriend
at a bus stop.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. What's his name?

- Joel.
- Joel what?


- Rifkin? Joel Rifkin?
- Yeah. It's just a coincidence...

- obviously.
- Guess you better...

keep on his good side.

Very funny. That's very funny.

Yeah, I wouldn't sleep
with my back to him if I were you.

Yeah. Well, that's
enough of that. Enough.

If you smell anything
decaying in his car's trunk...

Look, this is my boyfriend
we're talking about.

He's a gentleman. He's good-looking,
he's a good shaver.

And he hasn't thrown up in eight years,
so just shut up about him. Shut up!

The whole city is talking
about this monster, Joel Rifkin.

And I am dating a Joel Rifkin.

- But you like your Joel Rifkin.
- Yeah. I wish he had a different name.

Ask him to change it.

You can't ask a person
to change their name.

- Why not?
- Would you change yours?

If someone asked me nicely.

I'm Claude Seinfeld.

Hey, how many people
did Rifkin strangle, 18?

Yeah, 18 strangles.

You know why Rifkin
was a serial killer?

Because he was adopted.

Just like Son of Sam was adopted.

So apparently, adoption leads
to serial killing.

Joel and I have an extra ticket
to the Giants game.

- I'll go.
- Okay.

- I'll leave a ticket for you at will call.
- Yeah!

Should I have asked George?

Hey, did you hear George
got back with Karen?

- Karen?
- Risotto.

I feel full after the risotto.

- Oh, the risotto broad.
- Yeah.

He's got a good thing with her.
I'm doubling with them tonight.

- You don't like double dates.
- George does.

He feels it's a good
personality showcase.

He likes a date to see him
with a friend...

so she gets a window
into his non-date personality.

I've looked through that window and
screamed at him to shut the blinds.

He feels he's funnier, more relaxed.

- And you're taking..?
- Jodi, the masseuse.

- Hey, did you get a massage yet?
- No.

How many times do I have to go out
with her before I get a massage?

Jerry, she gives massages all day. She
doesn't want to give them on dates.

Yeah, I know. She just wants
to have sex.

So what?

It's like going to Idaho
and eating carrots.

I like carrots, but I'm in Idaho,
I want a potato.

So I go into this clothing store,
and the saleswoman is wearing this...

low-cut thing.

So I said to her,
"Can I ask you a question?

When you put on a top like that,
what's your thought process?

What's going on in your mind?"

That is so funny.

- You listening to this?
- Yeah, I heard you.

Boy, my neck is killing me.

It's right in this spot.
Very tender over here.

So, what did she say?

Well, nothing.
I didn't actually say that.

You just said you said it.

Sweetheart, I was exaggerating.

I'm learning a lot
about you tonight, George.

I've never seen you like this.

It's like somebody's
pulling on wires back here.

It's like, you never see
a really attractive woman...

getting a traffic ticket.

How can you say that?
My sister got a ticket last week.

Are you saying she's not attractive?

Obviously, these are not
hard-and-fast rules.

Darling, the tea is getting
a little cold, sweetheart.

- Can we go?
- So soon?

- Yeah. Good seeing you again, Karen.
- Yeah.

- Nice meeting you, Karen.
- Yeah, I'll call about that massage.

- Yeah.
- Let's do this again soon.


- I strained my neck last night.
- Really, how?

I tried brushing my teeth
by holding the brush...

and moving my head
from side to side.

It didn't work.

So, what's the deal
with your friend George?

No deal. Why?

What was all that "attractive women
not getting tickets" nonsense?

Well, he was just showcasing
his non-date personality.

How can you hang out with him?

Yeah, sometimes
it really makes me tense.

Did you see
the way that he was eating?

Yeah, he's disgusting.

I have to tell you,
I really don't like him.

- Yeah, me either.
- It's just I hate that type.

He's a bad seed.

Now, you, however, you, I like.

- What are you doing?
- What do you think I'm doing?

- So, what do you think?
- Really enjoyed it.

- Jodi's nice.
- She's very nice.

Let's discuss this later.

You think she liked me?
She seemed to like me.

- I was personable, don't you think?
- You were extremely personable.

Because I thought I picked up
a little something.

I'm very good at this.
Did you pick up anything?

- I didn't pick up anything.
- The second time I sent noodles back...

I thought she made a face.

I didn't see a face.

I thought I saw a face.

- What is the difference?
- No difference. I could care less.

- She's Jerry's girlfriend.
- George, instead of talking about this...

we could be... You know.

So you think she liked me?

- What are you doing?
- Massaging your neck.

Of course. Massaging.

Boning up on football?

Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

There are a lot of players
named Deion these days.

What a cool name, Deion.

If I were gonna change my name,
I'd go with Deion.

Deion Benes?

Well, as a woman,
it makes no sense.

But I mean...
Well, let's say I was you.

And I decided I was gonna
change my name...

For no real reason whatsoever.

Deion Rifkin.

That is so cool.

Deion Rifkin?

Well, maybe you're not
the Deion type.

Okay, then let's see, let's see,
what do we got? Oh, oh, oh, O.J.

O.J. Rifkin. Oh, you don't even use
a name. It's just initials.

Oh, please, please, change your name
to O.J. It would be so great.

Elaine, what is going on?

- She stayed over?
- Yeah.

- Sex wasn't so good?
- No. Sex was fabulous.

- So?
- I want the massage.

- Did you ask her?
- I put her hands there.

She just pulls it away immediately.
She's not into it.

- Why not?
- I guess because it's her job.

It's very frustrating.

So we had a good time,
the four of us.

- Yeah.
- We all got along.

- Everyone seemed very pleasant.
- Yeah.

- What did Jodi say?
- She had a good time.

- Is that it?
- Pretty much.

She say anything about..?

- What?
- No, no. It's all right. Great.

She had a good time.


- You hesitated.
- I was blowing on the coffee.

She didn't like me.

It's not like you'll be spending
a lot of time with her.

So she doesn't like me?


- She said that?
- Yes.

- She told you she doesn't like me?
- Yes.

- What were her exact..?
- "I don't like him."

Why didn't she like me?

- Not everybody likes everybody.
- I wasn't nice?

- You were very nice.
- I bent over backwards for that woman!

- Was it what I said about her sister?
- It has nothing to do with her.

I don't even know her sister!
But if she's getting tickets...

she's not that good-looking!

You vomited in 1987.

Oh, no. That was the dry heaves.

- Jodi.
- Hi, Jerry.

- Hey!
- What are you doing here?

- I was giving Kramer a massage.
- Kramer.

Gotta run, I have an appointment.

- Let me take your table.
- That's okay.

Please. I love to help people.

This is what I do.
Come on, I'm going this way.

I'll see you tonight.

Hey! I am looser than creamed corn.

Who told you to get a massage?
I haven't gotten one from her!

Oh, you don't know
what you're missing, buddy.

No one hails a cab like me.

My hailing technique is unmatched.

See, I get the wrist going
side to side and:

Cabs are crashing into themselves
to just pick me up.

All right, here we go.
Let me get the door.

Feminists aside,
I know women like the door-holding.

Here we are. Alrighty. Good. Okay.

Let's get together again soon.

- Say hello to your sister.
- You've never met.

Whatever. If I wasn't involved right
now, I wouldn't mind being set up.

Something tells me
she's a knockout!

But first, she sets
the mood perfectly...

with this New Age music
played over ocean sounds.

Then she lays you out on this table.

And she proceeds to rub oil
over your entire body.

And she rubs long and deep.

Jerry, she rubs with love.

Every muscle she touches
just oozes...

beneath those silky, soft fingers.

You can scarcely
contain yourself, buddy.

- So you had a good time, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

- Enjoyed yourself?
- Very much.

All right, now, you listen,
and you listen good!

- What?
- The massages are out!

- What..?
- They're out!

- Why?
- If I can't get one, you're not!

Wait a minute. I need my massages.
Can't you see I'm burned out?

- I'm sorry, Kramer.
- Why, why? Look, I paid for her!

Don't you ever
talk about her like that!

- Yeah, but why?!
- Final!

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Giants Stadium.

- Oh, you have photos in your wallet?
- Yeah.

- Why, is that weird?
- No, it's normal.

You're very normal.
You're totally normal.

- Who's this?
- That's my mother.

Oh, yeah. I see the resemblance.

- No, there's no resemblance.
- Yeah, there is. Right here...

Elaine, I was adopted.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, the game's about to start.
I wonder where your friend Kramer is.

Yeah, a ticket for Kramer?

- Here it is. I need some ID.
- Oh, yeah.

- You know, I forgot my wallet.
- Well, I can't give it to you then.

- Are you kidding me?
- I'm afraid not.

Come on, just look at me.
Now tell me I'm not Kramer.

- I'm sorry. I need proof.
- Look, I'll drive out here tomorrow...

and I'll show you the ID.

I got nothing to do all day.

Neither do I.

But without ID...

I need confirmation
from the person who left the ticket.

Where's a phone?

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention, please.

Would Joel Rifkin
report to the stadium office.

Joel Rifkin, telephone.

Who would be calling me here?

He's not the murderer.

Oh, God.

- What's the matter with you?
- Jerry, I need another massage.

You just had one.
What do you need another one for?

Because of the Giant game.
I told you, it went overtime.

You know those seats.
They're very unforgiving.

- Oh, please.
- And then the game-winning field goal...

went over the net and into the crowd,
and I dove over three rows.

My back, it's killing me.

It's killing me, Jerry!

- Well, did you get the ball?
- Oh, I got the ball.

I never caught a foul ball
at a baseball game.

Well, it's quite a thrill.

- Well, get somebody else.
- Nobody does it like she does.

- She's the best.
- Tonight's the night.

I'm getting one. No ifs, ands or buts.

- Well, what about my massage?
- Ask Newman.

So I lugged that table,
that big, heavy massage table...

all the way down to the cab!

- You ever see one of those things?
- Of course.

Well, I don't know.
Maybe you haven't.

You know. Not everybody's seen
a massage table.

You think I've never
had a massage?

Anyway, I don't even get a thank you.
I don't get it.

George, frankly, I'm getting
a little tired of hearing about her.

I wanna know what I did
to this woman.

You got a little thing for her?

No, no. She's going out
with a friend of mine.

It's only courteous
to try and like each other.

What's the difference?
Who cares if she doesn't like you.

Does everybody in the world
have to like you?

Yes. Yes. Everybody has to like me.
I must be liked.

Of course I support your decision
to change your name.

After the Giant game, I realized
that this problem isn't going away.

Well, listen,
I just want you to know...

that I was more than willing
to stick it out with Joel Rifkin.


- Okay, you got your list?
- Yeah, yeah. Ten names.

- Great.
- Okay, and if somebody objects...

- you can just veto it.
- Okay.

Okay, you start.
What's your first choice?

- Stuart.
- No. Second choice.

Stuart's no good?

I have never met a normal guy
named Stuart.

Okay. My second choice is Todd.


No. Veto.

All right.

Hey, I think you're gonna like
my third choice.

- Oh, great.
- Alex.

I gotta tell you, I have
a bad association with the name Alex.

- Bad association?
- In college, I sat next to an Alex...

in art history.
He always drank coffee...

and after every sip, he would go:

I mean, every two seconds:

And he would take, like, 40 sips,
and after every one:

I had to drop the class.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I was running late,
and I didn't have a chance...

to drop off my stuff
before I came over.

Oh, no problem. That's fine.

What's with this music?

It's New Age music.

Sounds of the forest.

I find it soothing.

Look at this. What do you know?
A massage table.

This is great.

- What are you doing?
- Just checking it out.

Look at how this thing is made.

Can I tell you something?
That's a hell of a piece of equipment.

- Actually, I should get a new one.
- Nonsense. This one's fine.

- So where do you wanna go?
- Go? Why go anywhere?

That feels good.

Yeah, that's...

That's good.

Yeah, that's nice.
That's very nice.

No. No, this isn't good.
I can't do this.

Why? What's wrong?

- I can't.
- No. Yes, you can.

- No, I can't.
- Yes. Come on, I know...

it's something you wanna do.

You know what?

I should go talk to her.

Nothing confrontational.
Just two adults sitting down...

trying to clear the air.

I know if I could spend
some time alone with her...

- I've got to. I've got to.
- You're going now?

Well, I think I can still catch her.

All right, George, I have had
just about enough of this.

- What are you talking about?
- I am talking about you and Jodi.

You're completely
obsessed with her.

I know. I know.

Who is more important to you,
her or me?

I like you, she doesn't.
Who you gonna pick?

I'm sorry, Karen. I care for you...

but I can't stand
when someone doesn't like me.

- Well, now I hate you!
- That, I'm used to.

- Ned?
- What is wrong with Ned?

Ned's a guy who buys
irregular underwear. Next.

- Ellis.
- Ellis? You might as well go with Alex.

- It's the same thing.
- Ellis and Alex aren't even close.

- Next!
- Oh, what's the point?

- Now, no, come on!
- Okay. Okay.


Remy Rifkin?

Should I get a beret?

Oh, Stuart's a lot better.

Little Stuart Rifkin
likes to go shopping with his mother.

What do you mean, no?

No means no.

Who you kidding?
You come to my apartment...

with your table and your little oils.
I'm not supposed to expect anything?

You're a massage teaser.

Listen, I massage who I want
when I want.

I don't submit to forcible massage.

- I'm getting out of here.
- Fine, go.

Jerry, could you excuse us
for a few minutes, please?

- What for?
- We need to talk.

- You need to talk?
- We have nothing to talk about.

Look, it's no secret
what's going on between us.

She doesn't like me.
Now, Jerry, if you don't mind...

George, anything you have to say
to her, you can say in front of me.


this woman hates me so much...

I'm starting to like her.

- What?
- She just dislikes me so much...

it's irresistible.

- I can see that.
- I'm getting out of here.

- Don't call me.
- Don't worry.

A woman that hates me this much
comes along once in a lifetime.

You're a lucky guy.

I gotta go after her.


I wouldn't push for the massage.


Swedes are big massagers. They like
Swedish meatballs, Swedish massage.

They like having meat in their hands,
these people.

But it's weird.
They have a high suicide rate.

They're always rubbing
each other's necks.

For a neutral country,
they seem kind of tense.

I don't like the idea of
a professional massage.

I don't want people touching me
that don't wanna have sex with me.

You get me all loosened up,
juices flowing, then:

"That's it. Okay, you're done."

Like having chocolate
rubbed over your face.

You wanna go, "Excuse me.
I think you missed a spot."