Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 22 - The Handicap Spot - full transcript

I have a friend that's
about to get married.

They are having the bachelor party and
bridal shower are the same day...

so it's conceivable that
while she's getting lingerie...

he'll be at a nude bar
watching a dancer in the same outfit.

That is possible.

But the difference between
single and married...

is the form of government.

You see, when you're single
you're the dictator of your own life.

I have complete power.

When I give the order to fall asleep
on the sofa with the TV on...

no one can overrule me.



When you're married you are part
of a vast decision-making body.

Before anything's done,
there are meetings.

Committees have to study
the situation.

And this is if the marriage works.

That's what so painful about divorce:

You've been impeached.
You weren't even the president.

Hey, is it my imagination,
or do really good-looking women...

walk a lot faster
than everybody else?

We don't walk that fast.

- No, seriously.
- Seriously, we don't.

The better-looking they are,
the faster they go.

I see them on the street
zooming around.

They're a blur. It's like they got
a motor on their ass.

Hey, Jerry, come on, let's go.
We're gonna miss the previews.



What's the big hurry?

How we getting to Scott Drake's
party on Saturday night?

Oh, Drake's party.
I forgot to buy a present.

What, I gotta buy a present now?

Of course you do.
It's an engagement party.

It never ends, this present stuff.

Engagement present.
Then they get married.

You gotta get them something.

Then a baby. Another present.

Then the baby starts getting
their presents.

I don't even like Drake.

- Don't like the Drake?
- Hate the Drake.

- I love the Drake.
- How could you not like the Drake?

- Who's the Drake?
- Who's the Drake?

The Drake is good.

So, what are you gonna get him?

You know, I haven't even
met the fianc?e.

Oh, whatever!

Elaine, look.
I drew this triangle freehand.

It's a doodle. It's perfect.

So what? That's easy.

Easy?

Hi. Hey, have you gotten
a present yet for the Drake?

- No, no, not yet.
- You like the Drake?

I love the Drake.

I'm looking forward to meeting
the "Drakette."

I'm lukewarm about the Drakette.

Boy, that's a nice triangle.

It's isosceles.

Isosceles. You know,
I love the name "Isosceles."

If I had a kid, I would
name him Isosceles.

Isosceles Kramer.

Hey, you know what, maybe
we should all chip in for the gift.

- The chip-in.
- Hey, pretty good idea?

- Yeah.
- The chip-in. Definitely.

Let's go to that mall in Lynbrook
before the party.

- We'll take your car. It's got room.
- No, no. My car's not running.

What about your father's car?

No. Out of the question.
I was over there today.

He's got the good spot
in front of the good building.

I know he's not gonna
want to move.

- Are you serious?
- You don't know what it means to him.

Once he gets it, he doesn't
go out for weeks.

How about this:
You put your car in the good spot.

That'll hold the good spot,
and we can get the good car.

- Good thinking.
- Good to meet you.

- So, what are we gonna get him?
- Anything we want. We're chipping in.

I like this area. I could live out here.

Yeah, we ought to all get a house
and live together out here.

That's a good idea.
Tell you what, chuckles...

I'll give you permission
to sublet my room right now.

Look at this.
There's no spaces here.

- Excuse me. You getting out?
- No.

Why don't you take
the handicapped spot?

- You think?
- No, no. We'll find a space.

- There's spaces in the other lot.
- I don't wanna walk that far.

What if a handicapped person
needs it?

- No, come on, they don't drive.
- Yes, they do.

Have you ever seen a handicapped
person pull into a space and park?

The space is there,
they must drive.

No, they don't. If they could drive,
they wouldn't be handicapped.

So if you can drive,
you're not handicapped?

We're not gonna be long.
We gotta get to the party.

I got news for you: Handicapped
people don't even want to park there.

They want to be treated
just like everybody else.

That's why those spaces
are always empty.

He's right. It's the same thing
with the feminists.

They want everything to be equal.
Everything.

But when the check comes,
where are they?

What does that mean?

Yeah.

- All right, I'm pulling in.
- Go ahead, George.

- George!
- Come on. It's five minutes.

Don't forget where
the car is parked.

- Don't worry.
- We'll remember.

Do you believe the deal
we got on this?

- A big-screen TV at that price?
- What a sale, huh?

And how about that store
delivering it tonight.

We're gonna be swimming
in thank-yous.

Why did I get the veggieburger?

You got a veggieburger, so I got one.
It's like eating a loaf of crumbs.

No one's gonna have a better gift
than this big-screen TV.

Good for them. Love the Drake.

Got to love the Drake.

Hey, what's going on over here?

There must have been an accident.

What's going on?

Some jerk parked
in the handicapped spot...

so this woman in a wheelchair
had to wheel up this incline.

Halfway up, her batteries gave out,
and she rolled backwards into the wall.

Had to take her to Saint Elizabeth's.

- Is she okay?
- I don't know.

We're just waiting for the owner
of this car to show up.

He may not get out alive.

Taking up a handicapped spot.
He's gonna pay.

Sons of bitches.

Well, good luck finding them.
Him. Whatever.

I'd like to get my hands on him myself,
but I gotta take off.

We're gonna get you, you coward!

- They'll kill us.
- You happy? Are you happy now?

- How long you think they'll be here?
- Don't know.

What about the party, the Drake?

- Oh, screw the Drake!
- I love the Drake.

Let's just take a bus
back into the city.

I can't leave the car here.

- Why not?
- It's my father's car.

- Let's smash it!
- Yeah!

Hey, hey! Leave the car alone!

All right, let's get out of here.
We gotta figure something out.

What are we gonna do?
How will we get out?

Even if we go to the car
and they're not there...

how do we know
they're not hiding?

They have to give up some time.
They can't stay out there all night.

What are we, John Dillinger?

How did this get to be
the crime of the century?

It's not like we stuck a broomstick
in her spokes and she went flying.

What I don't get is, just because
the batteries went dead...

you'd think she'd be able to
roll it up the hill with her hands.

You'd think.

Batteries have gone dead before.
Aren't they prepared?

You know, most of them
don't even have batteries.

Must have been a rich, spoiled
handicapped person...

who didn't want to do any work.

Just wanted to sit in her wheelchair
and take it easy.

- Yeah.
- Well, I'm sorry.

Our big-screen TV is probably
arriving just about now.

How we getting out?
We need a plan.

I got it. We'll give the keys to Elaine.

- Me?
- Yeah.

You're a woman.
Men won't hit a woman.

Oh, they won't?

Not if they don't know you.

I'm not going for this.
Kramer should go.

You know, it was all his idea.

No chance in hell.

What if we created
some sort of diversion?

What if we went over
and started screaming:

"There's the guy that took
the handicapped spot."

When they run the other direction,
we'll jump in the car.

- That's good.
- Let's give it a try.

If that doesn't work,
we'll give them Kramer.

Oh, my God.

You know, a lot of these scratches
will buff right out.

Eight years I had that car,
not a scratch on it.

Eight years.

- Two crack.
- Three dot.

Beautiful Mercury.
I special ordered that bench seat.

Dad, this other car cut us off.

They had swastikas all over it.

They were hurling
racial epithets at us.

- I could have been killed.
- I told you not to give it to him.

- Three crack.
- Four bam.

You know, my insurance
doesn't even cover this.

The whole thing is a total loss.

The important thing
is he didn't get hurt.

No, it isn't.

So, what are you doing now,
Georgie?

- North.
- I'm writing a pilot for NBC.

- Where the hell's my paper?
- You're writing a pilot?

With his friend Jerry Seinfeld,
the comedian.

So, what's it about?

Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other
driver doesn't have any insurance...

so the judge sentences him
to be Jerry's butler.

- It's the same situation.
- Exactly.

Frank, maybe you ought to
make him your butler.

Flower.

Every time you're with that Kramer
something happens.

- He's a real troublemaker.
- He didn't have anything to do with it.

He's all together crazy, that one.

And Jerry I used to think was nice.

I don't know what happened to him.
Nine bam.

- One dot.
- Two crack.

- Three bam.
- Mahjongg.

So it was a good party, huh?

You're welcome. You're welcome.
They loved the TV. Loved it.

Yeah.

Wait. I'll ask her.
That's a great idea.

Drake wants to know if we'll come out
to Mineola since we missed the party.

- Get something to eat.
- Sure.

Sure. Okay.

Don't worry, I'm taking my car.

Okay. All right,
we'll see you later. Bye.

The Drake is great.

He's so nice.
Man, I'm really happy for them.

Yeah. Well, I don't know
if I'm happy for them.

I'm glad they're happy, but frankly
it doesn't do anything for me.

- Yes?
- It's me.

Come on up.

Hey.

I just came from Saint Elizabeth's.

Saint Elizabeth's Hospital? Why?

Well, the handicapped woman,
I went to see her.

- You went to see her?
- Yeah.

Wow, what happened?

I'm in love.

- What?
- Yeah.

She is the most beautiful woman
I have ever seen.

I love her, Jerry.
I mean, I really love her.

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

She's got everything I've always
wanted in another human being.

Except for the walking.

What's the difference.
You don't go out that much.

- I'm glad you're here.
- Why?

We gotta go out,
we gotta buy a wheelchair.

A wheelchair? What for?

I went to the hospital today.
I saw the woman.

The wheelchair is totaled.
We gotta get her another one.

Doesn't she have collision?

George, I'm in love with her.

Look, my father works
for the United Volunteers.

- Maybe he can get her one.
- No. She needs it now.

What about these two?
Aren't they gonna chip in?

Hey, we told you not to park there.

Can't we just fix the old one?

All right, all right.
Fine, George, don't chip in.

But some day we'll be
driving along...

we're gonna look out the window,
see her crawling along Fifth Avenue.

- Is that what you want?
- All right! All right!

We'll buy a wheelchair.

Wheelchairs. Engagement presents.
It never ends!

This is our best model,
the Cougar 9000.

It's the Rolls-Royce
of wheelchairs.

This is like you're almost glad
to be handicapped.

So, now, what's this got?

It's got inductive joystick,
dynamic braking, flip-up arms.

It's fully loaded.

I put Stephen Hawking in one of these
two months ago, he's loving it.

It's rated number one by Hospital
Supply and Prosthetic Magazine.

- How much?
- Sixty-two hundred.

Do you have something
a little more...

less expensive?

- Hi! How you doing?
- Hey, Drake.

- Hi, Drake!
- Hi, Allison.

There's the TV.
Elaine, look at this.

Oh, my God, this is fantastic.

So tell me, were you guys
just blown away or what?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's fantastic.

I am gonna make good use of this.

I'm watching every Super Bowl here.
Every big fight.

Oh, man, there is nothing
like a really big TV, huh?

So, where are we eating?

- Well, actually, Jerry...
- I'm really hungry.

We just broke up.

- When did this happen?
- About 20 minutes ago.

Hey, I am really sorry
about this, guys.

- Hell of a picture on this thing.
- Crystal clear.

They know how to make them.

Drake?

Are there any good Italian restaurants
around here?

Gagliano's. That's pretty good.

- Well, we should...
- Get moving. Yeah.

Hey, Drake, whatever happens,
I'm sure it'll be for the best.

Yeah. Take it easy.
Bye-bye, Allison.

The remote.

Okay, I'm just gonna put it
on top of the television...

Oh, God!

This one's about 8 years old.
Not a scratch on it.

It was owned by some lady...

who only used it to go
to the kitchen to feed her cats.

- But this will get you around?
- Oh, sure.

It just doesn't have any of the frills
of the Cougar.

- Like what?
- For example, your tremor-damping.

- Now, what's that?
- It helps to control the direction...

regardless of the operator's tremors
or "spasticity."

- Well, is it all right if I try it?
- Hop in.

Oh, yeah.

I tell you...

when I see someone
enjoying themselves like that...

it reminds me of why I got
into this business in the first place.

How much?

How about $240?

- We'll take it.
- We'll take it.

- Drake gave her the TV?
- Gave her all the gifts. He felt guilty.

Well, she can't keep it.
It's not fair. That's our TV.

I know it is!

Boy, I'm really starting to
dislike the Drake.

Hate the Drake!

Maybe the whole thing
was a scam.

Anybody can just get engaged,
get presents, and keep them.

Maybe they're on the way to Chicago
to do the whole thing all over again.

They don't know anybody in Chicago.

Don't worry, they'll make friends fast
with that nice TV.

- Hey.
- Hey. Guess what?

The Drake broke up.

The Drake broke up!

That's fantastic!

We'll get the TV back. Help defray
some of the cost of the wheelchair.

- I don't know about defraying.
- Why?

We're not getting that TV.

What? The engagement's off.
We get the TV back.

That's business.

The Drakette took it.

She can't take it.

It's not hers. It's theirs.

Once there's no theirs,
there's no hers. It should be ours.

Well, she has it.

I told you the Drake was bad.
I hate the Drake!

Maybe we should call her.

- Oh, come on. Who's gonna call?
- You are.

What? Why is it me who
always has to do these things?

Because that's your thing.

Calling people I hardly know...

and demanding they return
expensive gifts?

That's my thing?

Yeah, that's your thing.

All right. Give me the phone.

That's my thing.

You know, I'm thinking
about getting a yo-yo.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I could see that.

- Hello?
- Allison. Hi, this is Elaine.

I gave all the gifts to charity.

Oh, okay. Well, thanks a lot.

Sorry again about you
and the Drake.

- I hate the Drake.
- Everybody does.

Bye-bye.

- She gave it to charity.
- Charity? That's appalling.

How could anybody be
so selfish and inconsiderate.

Hey. Well, I gave her
the wheelchair.

You should have seen
the look on her face.

Then she told me the old wheelchair
wasn't any good anyway.

So you see, George, the whole
incident was a God blessing. Yeah.

- You mean a blessing in disguise?
- Yeah.

I would also like to
take this time...

to personally thank
our gracious host, Frank Costanza...

who earned the Silver Circle Award
and is our unanimous choice...

for the United Volunteer
representative of the month.

Due to his tireless effort, he has
personally raised over $22,000.

And that's a lot of wheelchairs.

On behalf of the United Volunteers
of New York, we thank you.

Thank you very much.

Mr. Costanza?

- Yes?
- You're under arrest.

Under arrest? What for?

Reckless endangerment
of public safety...

in violation of traffic code 342-A.

- What's that?
- Parking in a handicap spot.

Let's go.

George! George!

Your father got arrested.
For what?

Parking in a handicapped spot.

Right in the middle
of his United Volunteer's meeting.

When he got back, he chased
after me with a baseball bat.

Holy...

Between the car being totaled,
the towing charge and the fine...

there's no way I could ever
pay him back.

So, what are you gonna do?

I agreed to become his butler.

What?

- What's the matter?
- It's over.

- What's over?
- Me and Lola.

- Who we bought the wheelchair for?
- She dumped me.

- She dumped you?
- She dumped me.

She rolled right over me.

Said I was a hipster doofus.

Am I a hipster doofus?

- No.
- No.

Said I'm not good-looking enough.

Not good-looking.
Jerry, look at me. Look at my face.

Am I beautiful?
George, am I beautiful?

- You're very attractive.
- Yeah.

She says she doesn't want to
see me again. Told me to drop dead!

- Drop dead.
- Boy, even I never heard that one.

She's pretty rough.

Well, we just blew
$240 on a wheelchair.

- $240 bucks?
- Well, it was slightly used.

Used?

I don't think you did
such a good job on these.

- What?
- Supposed to see your face there.

Do you see your face in there?

Yeah.

Oh, really?

How about that.
Went right down a hill?

Okay. All right. Bye.

George, forget about the shoes.
I want you to do something for me.

This handicapped woman
had an accident.

Somebody gave her a used wheelchair
with defective brakes.

Sons of bitches!

Pick up this big-screen TV
and deliver it to her.

- Big-screen TV.
- You think you can handle it?

- Yes?
- Hi, we're from the United Volunteers.

We've come to pick up the TV.

Great, it's right over there.

It's a big one.

- Who's got the receipt?
- I do.

- Will they give us cash?
- That's their policy.

I hate this mall. There are never
any spaces here.

Why don't you park
in front of the hydrant?

- What if there's a fire?
- Now what are the chances of that?

The handicapped parking spot
is the mirage of the parking desert.

Do you know that feeling?
You see it there in the distance.

You can't believe your eyes.
It's too good to be true.

It's a big wide spot
by the entrance.

Somehow everybody missed it.

What is the handicapped parking
situation at the Special Olympics?

They must have to just stack, like,
a hundred cars into those two spots.

How else are they gonna do it?