Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 23 - The Pilot - full transcript

To me, the whole concept
of fear of success...

...is proof that we are definitely
scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.

Will we have to have AA-type
meetings for these people?

"Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing
I'm worried about is having a stereo...

...and a cream-colored couch."

According to most studies, people's
number-one fear is public speaking.

Number two is death.

Death is number two.

Now, this means to the average
person, if you have to go to a funeral...

...you're better off in the casket
than doing the eulogy.

Why can't I play Kramer?



Look, we've been through this
already. You're not an actor.

- Well, neither are you.
- I know.

Why do we need two people
that can't act?

Oh, come on, Jerry.
How hard is it to act?

You say something.
I'll pretend it's funny.

- What?
- My grandmother's in the hospital.

Your grandmother's in the hospital.

- This is real believable.
- You didn't think I was laughing?

- It stinks.
- All right, let me see you do it.

- Say something funny.
- All right.

I've never been to Mars,
but I imagine it's quite lovely.

Mine was better than that.
Come on, look:

- Why are you pretending to laugh?
- We're acting.

Oh, yeah, real good.



- Any word from NBC?
- No.

I don't understand. They're
supposed to be casting this week.

Maybe they're not doing it.

Well, at least let me audition.

He wants to play Kramer in the pilot.

Out of the question.
How could we not hear anything?

What's with this Russell?
What's he doing?

Hi, Russell.

- Sit. Sit down. It's okay.
- I really appreciate you coming.

Oh, that's okay. I- I don't have much
time, though, so-

All right, well, first of all...

...I want to apologize for
all the phone calls.

It's just- It's just...

I don't understand.
We went out once, and-

Yeah, that was two months ago.

Yes, I know, and I- I- I just-
I can't get you out of my mind.

Ever since that-

The day in that restaurant
when we met...

- Do you have a ketchup secret?
- No, but-

Russell, you are the president of NBC.

You can have any woman you want.

But I want you.

God, I hate these mixtures.

I don't know why- Why don't they
just put pretzels out on the table?

Or peanuts would be good, but...

...I don't know who eats
these cheesy things.

Is it something I said?

Or did?

Look, Russell...

...you're a very sweet guy, but...

...I gotta be honest with you.

I don't like television.

And that's your world.
That's your life.

Maybe if you were in Greenpeace or
something, that would be different...

...but network television, I mean...

...come on, Russell.
You're part of the problem.

Elaine, we're doing some very
interesting things right now.

We've got very exciting pilots
for next season.

We have one with a bright young
comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, yeah, you know, I've heard of him.
He's that:

"Did you ever notice this?
Did you ever notice that?"guy.

In fact, he was in the restaurant
the day that we met.

Well, anyway, it's a
groundbreaking show.

Really? What is it about?

Well, really- It's- It's really-
It's very unusual.

It's about nothing.

What do you mean, it's about nothing?

For example, what did you do today?

I got up. I went to work.

Then I came here.

There's a show. That's a show.

Russell, see, I'm really not
interested in this...

...and I do have to...

- ... go to work, so-
- Elaine, when-? When are we-?

- When are we gonna see each other?
- I'm sorry, Russell. I'm sorry, okay?

Bye-bye.

- So I'll see you later, huh?
- Yeah.

Hello. Yeah, he's here. Hey!

- It's for you.
- Oh, yeah?

He's getting phone calls here now?

Hello.

Again with the sweatpants?

What? I'm comfortable.

You know the message you're
sending with these sweatpants?

You're telling the world, "I give up.

I can't compete in normal society.

I'm miserable, so I might
as well be comfortable."

Hold on a second, I got another call.

Hello.

Yeah, he'll call you back.

- Who is it?
- That's NBC.

NBC?!
Give me the phone!

- I'm having a conversation here.
- Get off the phone.

Okay, look, I'll call you back. Yeah.

You know I'm waiting
to hear from them.

- Who was it?
- Russell Dalrymple's secretary.

All right. Now you're doing
something to help me.

Hello. Yes, it's Jerry Seinfeld
returning the call.

Okay, great. Thanks a lot.

Casting tomorrow at NBC, 4:00.
We're in business. The pilot's on!

You're gonna be successful.

What if the pilot gets picked up...

...and it becomes a series?

That would be wonderful.
You'll be rich and successful.

That's why I'm worried.

God will kill me before letting
me be successful.

- He'll never let me be happy.
- You don't believe in God.

I do for the bad things.

Do you hear what you're saying?

God isn't out to get you, George.

What-?

What is that on your lip?

- What?
- It's like a discoloration. It's white.

Yes. Yes, it's white.

- Why is that white?
- You'd better get that checked out.

- "Better get that checked out"?
- I would.

What kind of a therapist are you?

I'm telling you I'm scared
something will happen...

...and you look for tumours?

- I'm trying to help you.
- What are you, like, a sadist?

No matter how bad somebody
feels, you can make it worse.

- You're rooting for a tumour.
- You'd better go.

I'm going, baby. I'm going!

- Where?
- Right here.

Get out of here, it's nothing.

Excuse me.

Do you see anything on my lip?

Yeah. Like a discoloration.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, it's all white.

It's all white, Jerry.
It's all white.

Would you stop?

I'd get that checked out.

Again with the checked out.

I'm not going to the doctor.

If I don't, nothing will happen.
If I go, he might find something.

- If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time.
- Catch what in time?

- Whatever it is.
- You think it's something?

I hate these bums with their rags.

No, no, no, I don't want it. Get away.
Get away. Get away from my car.

You know, these squeegee-

Oh, my God,
it's Crazy Joe Davola.

Good luck on the pilot, Jerry.

Yeah, I think I see it. It's like a...

...white discoloration.

What do you think it is?

It's like a white discoloration.

Okay, guys, are we ready to start?

Where's Russell? I thought
he was gonna be here.

I don't know. I saw him this morning,
and I said hello. He walked past me.

He must be worried about
the fall schedule.

- It's a real bear.
- Yeah.

So, what's going on?
We're gonna shoot the pilot...

...then it's gonna be on TV
the next week?

Yeah, right.

This is Mark Matz.

He'll be auditioning
for the role of George.

- How you doing?
- Hey, Mark, how are you?

They've gotta be kidding.

This guy's perfect.

Okay, let's read this.

And I'll be reading Jerry's part.

Anyone call for Vandelay Industries?

- No, why?
- Listen to me.

I told the unemployment office
I was close to a job with them...

...and I gave them your number.

When you answer the phone, you've
got to say, "Vandelay Industries."

- I'm Vandelay Industries?
- Right.

- What is that?
- You're in latex.

What do I do with latex?

I don't know. You manufacture it.

This is Michael Barth,
another George.

- Hi, Michael.
- How you doing?

- Everything all right?
- I just came from the podiatrist.

Something's wrong with my foot.
A little gangrene.

They'll probably have to amputate.

Any questions?

What are we looking at?
Is this guy a real loser?

No, not a loser.

Let's start with the second scene.
You have it?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

A man gave me a massage.

So?

Well, he-

He had his hands, you know...

- ... and he was-
- He was what?

Well, he was, you know-
He was touching and rubbing.

That's a massage.

I think it moved.

This is Melissa Shannon.

- Hi.
- Hi, how you doing?

Melissa is reading for Elaine.

It's like a bald convention out there.

Sorry, I made a faux pas.

No, you didn't,
he knows he's bald.

So how about that guy
wearing sweatpants?

Is that for the part, or does he
walk around like that?

Okay. Shall we start?

You know what?

I'll read with her.

Oh, great.

- All right, wanna start?
- Yeah.

Okay.

- What was that look?
- What look?

That look you just gave me.

- I gave a look?
- Yes.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Let's see some more Kramers.

- Hi, how you doing?
- Hi.

- How you doing?
- Good.

- What is this about?
- Levels.

- Levels?
- Yeah. Getting rid of all my furniture.

All of it. I'm building levels...

...with steps, completely carpeted...

...with pillows.

Like ancient Egypt.

How are you gonna be
comfortable like that?

I'll be comfortable.

- Very good.
- Very nice.

Tom, that was terrific.
Thank you for coming in.

- Wonderful reading.
- That's really something.

- Bye.
- Okay. Thank you. Take it easy.

I thought he was really good,
very funny.

Yeah, I liked him.

What happened to the raisins?

Yeah, there was a box
of raisins there.

Did he just steal the raisins?

You think he stole them?

This is Martin Van Nostrand.

- What are you doing here?
- You two know each other?

Wait a minute. I know you.

You're the guy from the Calvin Klein
underwear ads.

That's true.

I saw Joe DiMaggio
in Dinky Doughnuts again.

But this time...

...I went in.

Where's the bathroom?

I think if you go down the hall,
it's on the right at the very end.

Be right back.

Sorry, buddy. Full house.

Sorry. Customers only.

Hey, you need a ticket.

- So who's playing Elaine?
- Oh, don't worry about it.

Very talented young actress.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Who is it?
- She's an Eskimo, actually.

- Oh, God.
- She came down from Juneau by sled.

She was in the Iditarod. Got to the
finish line, just kept going.

She's got the dogs with her
in the hotel room.

Listen, was Russell at the casting?

No, he didn't show up.

You know...

...I'm a little bit worried about him.

I don't understand.
We had one date...

...two months ago.

Am I that charming and beautiful?

No. No, you're not.

- Why do I keep setting you up?
- I don't know.

Could we get a little more?

Heat more.

Ever since this new owner took over,
the service here is really slow.

Yeah. Have you noticed anything
else that's...

...different since the new
management?

They're putting a little lemon
in the tuna. I love that.

Besides that.
Look at the waitresses.

Yeah?

What physical...

...characteristic would
you say is common to all of them?

I mean, look at this.

Every waitress working here has the
same proportions, wouldn't you say?

Yes. I would say.

What's going on here?
How is this possible?

- Do you think it's a coincidence?
- No.

I- I haven't seen four women like this
together outside of a Russ Meyer film.

Hi. Excuse me. Who does all the
hiring of waitresses here?

He does. We're looking for
another girl if you know anyone.

You know what?
That's discriminatory.

That is unfair. Why should these
women have all the advantages?

They get all the attention from men.
They get all the waitress jobs too?

Hey, that's life. Good-looking men
have the same advantage.

You don't see
any handsome homeless.

You see, it's right here.
It's- It's a little white.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I've never seen this before.

"Never seen this before"?

I'm gonna have to take
a biopsy on this.

- A what?
- A biopsy.

- A biopsy?
- Yeah.

Cancer? Is it cancer?
Do I have cancer?

Well, I don't know what it is.

He took a biopsy, Jerry.
A biopsy.

- What'd he say?
- He didn't know what it was.

All right, so?

When I asked him about cancer,
he didn't say, "Get out of here."

That's what I wanted to hear,
"Cancer? Get out of here."

Maybe he doesn't have a
"get out of here"kind of personality.

How could a doctor
not say, "Get out of here"?

It should be part of medical school
training."Cancer? Get out of here.

Go home. What are you, crazy?

It's a little test. It's nothing.
You're a real nut, you know that?"

Told you God would never
let me be successful.

I never should've written that pilot.

The show will be a hit, make
millions, and I'll be dead.

Dead, Jerry. Because of this.

Can't you at least die
with a little dignity?

No, I can't.

I can't die with dignity.
I have no dignity.

I want to be the person who
doesn't die with dignity.

I lived my whole life in shame.
Why die with dignity?

Hey.

What happened to you yesterday?

I got mugged.

- You got mugged?
- Mugged?

I wouldn't have minded, but I was
running home to go to the bathroom.

- Why didn't you use it in the building?
- It was full.

I tried a few other places, you know,
but that didn't work.

I mean, it was an emergency, Jerry.

I was really percolating.

So I decided to run home through the
park, and then two guys stopped me.

- Yeah?
- It's me.

Come on up.

Now I got a big problem, buddy.

- What is it?
- Well...

I waited so long, I-
I missed my chance.

- You didn't go?
- No, and now I can't get it back.

The best thing to do
is just not think about it.

How could you not think about it?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What's the matter with him?
- He's a little backed-up.

Elaine.

So I spoke to some of my sisters
about that coffee shop.

Oh, the sisters.

Have you seen the
waitresses in there?

I never had so much coffee in my life.

So we decided I should go over
there and apply for a job myself.

Apply for a job? What for?

Because it's discriminatory.

It's a coincidence.

- This is what you're gonna wear?
- Yeah.

You're not gonna get the job.

Exactly.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Yeah, I guess we could do that.
At what time?

All right. I'll see you there.

Okay, bye.

- Who's that?
- TV Elaine.

She wants to talk about the part.

- What about the dogs?
- They're having sex in the hotel room.

So the Elaine character is based
on someone you know.

- Yes.
- And she's really your ex-girlfriend.

- Yeah.
- I want to know her from the inside.

What is she like?
Tell me about her.

Well, she's fascinated with Greenland.
She enjoys teasing animals...

...Banlon and seeing people
running for their lives.

She loves throwing garbage out the
window, yet she's extremely dainty.

How would she eat a hamburger?

- With her hands.
- What about pasta?

Also with her hands.

Seriously.

I want to experience
everything she's experienced.

Everything?

- Everything.
- All right, she cuts pasta with a knife.

Good. What's her favourite movie?

Shaft.

You gotta give me her picture.
What about sex?

She likes talking during sex.

Dirty talking?

No. Just chitchat, movies,
current events. Regular stuff.

- You know, Sandi-
- Elaine.

- What?
- Call me...

...Elaine.

All right...

- ... Elaine.
- How does Elaine kiss?

- Well-
- Does she kiss...

...like this?

Actually, she has a thing where she
spirals her tongue around. It's like a-

Like this?

I think you got it.

Now, I like to eat spaghetti...

...with just a fork.

Because I can keep
the strands long...

...and I can slurp it up to my mouth
like this. Look.

Now, sex, I like the bottom.

Let them do all the work, you know?

You should be writing
this stuff down.

Yeah. Bran flakes.

One hundred percent.
I got a big problem.

- And I'll have the hamburger. That's it.
- Yeah.

- Thanks a lot.
- That's good.

Now, I like to play golf.

Look, this stuff doesn't matter to me.

See, I'm gonna do the character
like me, not like you.

You gotta play him like me.

I'm Kramer.

- I'm Kramer.
- I'm Kramer.

What can I do for you?
Would you like table?

No, I'd like to apply
for a waitress job.

Have you ever waited
on tables before?

Oh, yeah. I've been a professional
waitress for the last 10 years.

I've worked all over this city.

These are my references.

I'm sure you'll find
that I'm more than qualified.

I don't think I need
anyone else right now.

You're in big trouble, mister!
And I mean trouble with a capital T!

What? What did I do?

Anyway, there's at least...

...four of them,
and they're all huge.

I mean, one is bigger than the next.

It's like a Russ Meyer movie.

Who's Russ Meyer?

He's this guy who made these...

...terrible movies in the '7 Os
with these kinds of women.

He's obsessed.

He's obsessed with breasts.

That's hard to say.

Anyway, go on.

There's not really much more to tell.
He was looking for waitresses...

...I went in to apply, and he looked me
up and down, and he rejected me.

Paul, come here for a second.
I want you to listen to this.

- Hi.
- Hi.

The woman here claims there's
a restaurant on the West Side...

...that's only hiring
large-breasted women.

Really?

- What do you mean, made-up?
- It's made-up.

Häagen-Dazs is made-up.
It's not Danish.

- You're crazy.
- No, I'm not.

George, is Häagen-Dazs Danish?

- What do you mean, Danish?
- This guy stinks.

Danish. Is it from Denmark?

They make it in New Jersey.
It's just a Danish-sounding name.

I can't believe that.
They fooled me, Jerry.

Boy, talk about a show
about nothing.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

This- This is not right.

May I?

You see, you're going:

"They fooled me, Jerry."

You want to hit "fooled"more.

"They fooled me, Jerry."

You see the difference?

I'm not gonna say it like that.

Just a suggestion.

All right, everybody.

- Take a five.
- Yep, that's five.

George?

I don't have much
experience with acting...

...but from what I can gather...

...they're a little touchy about
being told how to say the lines.

Why is that?

I don't know,
but they don't seem to like it.

By the way, how am I doing?

Oh, you're- You're fine. You're fine.

So you think this guy playing Kramer
took the raisins?

Why would he steal a box of raisins?

Yeah.

It's bizarre.

That little bald guy's driving me nuts.

I'm gonna rip him a new one
if he doesn't leave me alone.

I wish that was our real problem.

What is the real problem?

It's Seinfeld.

He can't act. It's pathetic.

I told you these stand-ups can't act.

I'm cringing watching him.

What's with him?

Russell?

Russell?

- What?
- You okay?

Yeah. No, I- I was just...

...thinking of something.

I'll be back in a second.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

You're acting weird.
Is anything wrong?

No.

Are you breaking up with me?

Are we going out?

You're breaking up
with me, aren't you?

Do you want me to?

If that's what you want.

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Fine, break up with me.

All right, we're broken up.

Can we still be friends?

- Remember when you auditioned?
- Yeah.

There was a box of raisins
on the coffee table.

Did you, by any chance,
take them with you when you left?

What are you talking about?

Well, we were all eating the raisins.

And I remember you- You were
eating some of the raisins.

And then you left...

...and the raisins were gone.

I was just wondering if, you know...

...maybe you took them with you.

Are you accusing me
of stealing the raisins?

- Oh, no, no-
- Why would I steal a box of raisins?

No, you wouldn't.
Nobody would, you know.

It's just that...

...they were missing, and...

...well, I'm just inquiring.

Let me give you a
word of advice, okay?

Stay away from me.
I don't wanna talk to you.

And I don't wanna hear any more of
your stupid notes and suggestions.

I don't like you.

So if you got any other problems,
whether it's raisins, prunes...

...figs or any other dried fruit...

...just keep it to yourself and stay out
of my way, okay?

All right.

I don't think we're gonna have any
problem with that.

Good talking to you, Tom. Really.

Elaine? Elaine?

What do you want?
What can I do?

Is-? Is it...?

Is it my job? Is that what it is?

Elaine, I can't go on like this.

Look, will-? Will-? Will you call me?

Would you call me?

Well, why? I-
All right, you want-? May I call you?

Elaine? Elaine?

Excuse me, Mr. Dalrymple...

- ... I am so sorry.
- All right, what's your name?

- David Richardson.
- Get out, you're fired.

- But, Mr. Dalrymple-
- Don't talk back to me!

I said, get out.
You want me to call the cops?

I make and break little worms
like you every day.

Do you know how much
money I make? Any idea?

Do you know where I live?

I could have any woman in this city
that I want. Anyone.

Now, get out!

What are you all looking at?!

Go back to work.

Back!

Back!

Doctor called and said I'm not gonna
get the results for another two days.

Oh, you're fine.
There's nothing wrong.

I'm the one who's dying.

- What do you mean?
- I can't act.

I stink. I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm gonna make a fool out of myself.

Come on, you're...

You're fine.

This show's gonna ruin my career.

- How did I get involved?
- What about me?

I was a total failure.
Everything was fine.

Now this thing's gonna be a success,
and God gives me a terminal disease.

This actress playing Elaine,
she's crazy.

The guy playing Kramer
threatened me.

- Why?
- I asked him about the raisins.

You mentioned the raisins.

- Oh, yeah.
- Did he take them?

I don't know.

Well, if he didn't take them...

...what happened to them?

That's what I'm trying to find out.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Any luck?
- No. No, nothing.

I got no peristalsis.

- Well, what about bran?
- I tried bran.

Forty percent, 50 percent,
100 percent.

The bran isn't working for me.

- Well, what about Meta-?
- Did it.

- How about Ex-?
- Yeah, had it.

- Milk of Magne-?
- Yeah, yeah.

Well, my friend...

...it may be time to consider
the dreaded apparatus.

Hold it right there.

If you're suggesting what I think,
you're wasting your time.

I am not, Jerry, under any
circumstances, doing any...

...inserting in that area.

Oh, it's not that bad.

Yes, it is.

Well...

...it's all taken care of. I filed a report.
An investigation is under way.

So you going to the taping?

No, I don't think I should go.
I don't want to bump into Russell.

He called me the other day.

Come on, you gotta go. He's harmless.
He's got a little crush on you.

Jerry, this is not a crush.
This is a complete fixation.

He makes me very uncomfortable.

We need you there.

- Hey, are you gonna go?
- No, no, I- I'm gonna stay home. I...

I wanna be close to my home base, in
case there's any news from the front.

No. Pick it up more in the front.
It's gotta be higher. Higher.

Make a wall. A wall.

Sandi, are you in wardrobe?

- Sandi?
- Try "Elaine."

- Elaine?
- Yes?

Elaine?

It's me.

Wilton Marshall. Remember?

Camp Tioga, 1978?

- Remember?
- Right.

You know, you haven't changed a bit.

- I can't remember my lines.
- Just relax, you'll be fine.

I can't relax. I don't-
I don't know any of them.

You're just like George.
He'd do the same thing.

- You're just like him. It's amazing.
- Help me.

George is always saying that.

You don't have to worry anyway.
It's not live.

It's not on till next week.
Have a good show.

What's my first line?
Just tell me my first line.

- "New sneakers."
- "New sneakers."Right, that's it.

Where's Russell?

You know, I don't know.
I assumed he wouldn't miss it.

He hasn't been well.

Can I tell you something
in confidence?

I think it's a woman.

How pathetic.

Yeah, this is George Costanza.
I'm- I'm calling for my test results.

Negative?

Oh, my God!

Why? Why? Why?

What?

Negative's good?

Yes, of course.
How stupid of me.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

What was I worried about?

Listen.

I know we've had our
problems in the past...

...but we got a show to do tonight.
Time to pull together as a team.

Life's too short.

I say, let's let bygones be bygones.

If you took the raisins,
if you didn't take the raisins...

They weren't even my raisins.

I- I was just curious because...

...seems like a strange
thing to do...

...to walk into a room, audition
and walk out with a box of raisins.

Anyway, whatever.

If you ever want to tell me about it,
the door to my office is always open.

In the event that I get an office.

You'll come in. We'll talk about the
raisins. We'll have a nice laugh.

How would you like it if I just...

...pulled your heart out of your chest
now and shoved it down your throat?

Good evening. Welcome to a taping
of the new show Jerry.

Does everybody know what a pilot is?

- Yeah, he flies a plane.
- No, a pilot is the taping of a show...

...that's the first show
before a TV series.

And this show will air on Thursday.

Are you ready to meet our cast?
All right.

Good evening, folks.
How you doing?

You sound like a great crowd.

We have a show we're gonna put on
for you tonight.

It's a- It's a new TV show.
It's what they call a pilot.

And we hope it becomes a series.
It's called Jerry. I'm playing Jerry-

Sic semper tyrannis!

What about Davola?
Did you believe that?

What was that thing he yelled out,
sic semper tyrannis? Is that Latin?

John Wilkes Booth yelled it
when he shot Lincoln.

- Really? What's it mean?
- It means "death to tyrants."

I could see that.

See, now, this is exciting!
This is exciting!

- Did I miss anything already?
- No, it starts in five minutes.

You were there.
What's the big deal?

Now it's on TV. It's different.

- I told everybody I know to watch it.
- Yeah, me too.

- Did you hear from Russell?
- No.

Strange, him not showing up
at the taping.

Well, well.

- Congratulations.
- Well, thank you.

- You went for the big E, huh?
- Wet and wild.

- Kramer, sit down. It's about to start.
- Oh, yes.

Hey, what is this?

Look, a wallet.

- A wallet? Let me see that.
- Here.

It's my father's wallet. He thought
they stole it at the doctor's office.

- This is it.
- How do you like that?

You hurt me.

- Hey.
- Hey, George.

- New sneakers?
- Yeah.

- What do you need new sneakers for?
- I like sneakers.

How do you decide which ones to
wear? I'd go crazy if I had to decide.

You're crazy anyway.

Why did you eat the top
off the muffins?

- So what?
- I can't eat it now.

- George.
- George.

What kind of stupid show is this?

Hey, that's that idiot that took
all my records.

John, what are you doing?
Come back to bed.

This show looks interesting.

Isn't he that Seinfeld fella you
went out with?

Oh, he's horrible. Horrible.

Nevertheless.

That Jerry's a funny guy, huh?

Got to love the "Sein."

I hate the "Sein."

This is a piece of crap.

Oh, Donald, you used to like him.

What a sellout.

Give me that remote. Give me that.

- Give me the remote.
- Donald.

- Jerry, the commercial's almost over.
- All right.

You know, I really like this guy
playing the butler.

Yeah, he's good.
He's John Ritter's cousin.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Hello, Charles.
- Hello.

So where do you want me
to start today?

- Why don't you start in the bedroom.
- I'll start in your bedroom.

- Hey.
- Hey. The butler's here.

He is? Listen.

When he's finished,
send him over to my house.

- I'm not sending him to your house.
- Why not?

The judge decreed he'd become
my butler, not my friend's butler.

Jerry, he is your butler. You can give
him any order you want.

- That's what butlers do.
- But I don't want to.

Jerry, my house is
a pigsty. Come on.

- Yeah?
- It's Elaine.

Come on up.

- I need more Pledge.
- More Pledge?

I just bought two cans last week,
and I don't have any wood here.

Well, it goes fast.

Hello.

Hello.

What's all this about?

- We had a date last week.
- You had a date?

You went out with my butler? Who
said you could go out with my butler?

- Why do I need your permission?
- Because he's my butler.

That's terrific.

How could anyone not like him?

I like his style.

He has a sort of casual elegance.

But he picks his nose.

Nevertheless.

He's a member of our
health club, isn't he?

Yeah.

You know, that Kim Novak
had some big breasts.

You ever notice a lot of butlers
are named Jeeves?

You know, I think when you-
When you name a baby Jeeves...

...you've pretty much mapped out
his future, wouldn't you say?

Not much chance he's gonna be
a hit man, I think, after that.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir,
but I'm going to have to whack you."

Yeah.

Oh, wow, that was great.

That show was so funny.

It was really funny. I'm not just
saying that because I know you.

All right. Well, let's go out
and celebrate.

- That was so good.
- Come on, let's eat something.

I think this will get picked up, George.
You're gonna be rich!

- You really think so?
- Oh, yeah.

And God didn't kill me.

- Hello?
- Hi, Jerry.

- This is Rita Kirson.
- Oh, hi, Rita.

I'm caling to let you know...

...Russell Dalrymple is
no longer with this network.

Oh, my God. Did he get fired?

To be honest with you,
nobody realy knows.

He seems to have disappeared.

Russell's disappeared?

In any event, I've been made
the new president of NBC.

As you may or may not know...

...Russell and I did not see eye to eye
on many, many projects.

And as my first order of business,
I'm passing on your show.

You're passing already?
The show just ended two minutes ago.

Well, I just got the job.

Goodbye, Jerry.

Yeah. See you.

What are you-?
What are you looking at me for?

- It was you.
- What-? What did I do?

Do you realize his obsession with you
cost us a TV series?!

I didn't know that he'd fall for me,
and I'd drive him insane, I mean-

- You know, that's not my fault.
- Yes, it is!

You're very charming!

I can't believe this.

What happened to him?
Where is he?

No one knows.

She works for Pendant Publishing.

She's the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.

You know...

...I used to work for NBC,
but when I go back to her this time...

...she'll respect me.

You'd better get down.
They might start firing soon.

Hey, look at this.

What is going on here?

Well, well.

Nothing has changed.

How did this happen?

I talked to these guys at the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission.

Hey. What are you two guys
doing here?

I thought you were gonna do
something. Now you're eating here?

No, that's- That's- That's why
we're here. We're checking things out.

- We're checking it out.
- Checking it out?

See you back at the office, guys.

Fred, Paul, lunch and dinner?

Boy, you guys ought to move in.

How about a piece of pie, on me, huh?

Sophia, take care of these fellows.

Hey, come here.
I want you to know something.

You are not gonna get
away with this.

- Get away with what?
- "With what?"You know what.

With the waitresses,
how they're all alike.

Of course they're alike.

They are my daughters.

Your daughters.

You must be very proud, Mr. Barzakian.

And may I say, sir, they're lovely girls.
Absolutely lovely girls.

It's nice to see such fine,
upstanding women...

- ... in gainful employment, Mr. Barzakian.
- Here's table for you.

- Oh, a table right here.
- Peggy.

Peggy. All right.

- Peggy?
- Peggy. His daughter Peggy.

Peggy's coming over to serve.

One of the family.

- My daughter Peggy.
- Peggy.

- Good to see you.
- Hi, Peggy.

Thank you very much.

- So guess what I gotta do tomorrow.
- What?

Start looking for a job.

You know what you ought to do?

You should work for Greenpeace.

You know, they attack the whalers
out on the open sea.

Are you crazy?

You take your life in your hands
with those nuts.

Keep fighting it, matey.
Get your head above the water.

I've got you, matey.

I got you. Matey.

I'll remember her name.

Elaine Benes.

I'll write to her.

I'll tell her all about you
and what you did out here.

Goodbye, matey.

Goodbye.

Now, I know women often complain
about the number of things...

...you have to do to get male attention.

The high heels, the pantyhose,
the makeup.

It's even worse if you're a man.

If you're a man,
you don't know what to do.

That's why we're building bridges,
climbing mountains...

...exploring uncharted territories.
You think we wanna do these things?

Nobody wants to build a bridge.

It's really, really hard.

Designing rockets,
flying off into space.

I guarantee you, every astronaut,
when he comes back from space...

...goes up to a girl and goes,
"So did you see me up there?"

Subtitles by
SDl Media Group