Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 21 - The Smelly Car - full transcript

After dinner, Jerry gets his car back from the valet. He and Elaine get in the car and realize that the valet has really bad B.O.. Jerry goes to great lengths to get the smell out of his ...

Whenever you ask for the doggy bag
in a restaurant...

there's a sense of
failure there, isn't there?

People always whisper it
to the waiter, "Excuse me...

I'm sorry, you're gonna have
to give me the doggy bag.

I couldn't make it."

It is embarrassing because
a doggy bag means either...

you were at a restaurant
when you're not hungry...

or you've chosen the stupidest
way to get dog food that there is.

How about the doggy bag
on a date?

That's a good move for a guy, huh?

Let me tell you, if you're a guy and you
ask for the doggy bag on a date...

you might as well have them
just wrap up your genitals too.

You're not gonna be needing
those for a while either.

- Is that bothering you?
- No. Not at all.

It's the BMW.

Oh, could you please hurry?

"Please hurry."

Look at you.
Look what you've become.

What? What have I become?
I haven't become anything.

Oh, Carl can't wait a few...

more minutes?
- I don't want to keep him waiting.

- He'll like you more.
- That's impossible.

Stan, why do you have to
pick your teeth at the table?

- Leave me alone.
- It's disgusting.

Yeah, I'm gonna get married
real soon.

- So where am I dropping you?
- His place.

Guy's got quite a racket.
I take you to dinner...

then drop you at his apartment.

And he gets the rest of my chicken.

So is tonight the night?

You never know.

Baby doll.

Thank you, brother.

What, do you smell something?

Do I smell something?
What am I, hard of smelling?

- Of course I smell something.
- What is it?

I think its BO.


It's BO.
The valet must've had BO.

It can't be. Nobody has BO like this.

Jerry, its BO.

But the whole car smells.

- So?
- So when somebody has BO...

the O usually stays with the B.

Once the B leaves,
the O goes with it.

Oh, my God.

- I can't believe you ski.
- I'm a great skier.

Yeah, what else?

Let's see. I ski, I fish...

I pillage, I plunder.

- You pillage and plunder?
- When I travel.

See, finally, finally I get
to meet a man...

who pillages and plunders.
I'm so lucky.

- It should only take a second.
- Yeah, I'm gonna poke around.

Hey, what do you know?
Look at that.

A lesbian sighting.

My lucky day.

They're so fascinating. Why is that?

Because they don't want us.

You gotta respect that.

Oh, my God.

It's Susan! But what do I do?


- Susan. Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, boy.

What are you doing here?

- Renting a video.
- Right.

What do you got there?

Oh, some... some stupid movie.

This is Mona.


- Pleasure to meet you.
- Yes. Well...

Well, I'll let you two catch up.

- You okay?
- Yeah. Yes.

I just haven't seen you
in a long time.

And you didn't expect me to be
holding hands with a woman.

Oh, please. Me?

Come on, that's great.

Are you kidding?
I think that's fantastic.

I've always encouraged

I'm the first guy in the pool.
Who do you think you're talking to?

- I know who I'm talking to.
- Of course you do.

It's just, you know,
I never knew that...

- I like women?
- There you go.

So how long has this
been going on?

Since you and I broke up.

So after me, you...

went that way?


I think that's fantastic. Good for you.

Nice. That's very nice.

- So, what do you got there?
- I don't...

- Rochelle, Rochelle.
- Yeah.

It's a foreign movie.
A film is what it is, actually.

- A lot of nudity in that, huh?
- No, no, just a tiny bit.

It's not even frontal nudity.

It's "sidal" nudity.


- That's me.
- Good seeing you, George.

Yes, good to see you too.

And good luck with...

With the whole thing there.

What are you returning?

Rochelle, Rochelle.

Oh, Rochelle, Rochelle.
A young girl's strange...

erotic journey from Milan to Minsk?
- Yeah. Yeah.

That'll be $3.49.

Three forty-nine? It says $1.49.

You didn't rewind it. There's
a $2 charge for not rewinding.

But there's no signs here.

- This is an outrage.
- Don't give him any money for that.

It'll cost you less to keep it
another day, rewind it...

and bring it back tomorrow.
Don't give him the satisfaction.

I'm not giving you the satisfaction.

I'm gonna watch it again.

How could that hurt?

So this morning I go down
to the garage to check the car out.

I figure by this time,
the odor molecules have had...

at least 12 hours to "de-smellify."
- Right.

I open the car door...

like a punch in the face...

the stench hits me.

It's almost as if it had gained strength
throughout the night.

You know, I can think of at least
six known offensive odors...

that I would rather smell
than what's living in your car.

- What about skunk?
- I don't mind skunk.

- Horse manure?
- I love horse manure.

I've never seen anything like this
in my life.

In fact, I went to the car wash...

they want $250 to detail it
and get the smell out.

I'm not paying for that.
That's not my responsibility.

I'm driving to that restaurant,
and demand they pay for it.


Listen, let me ask you something.

When you're with a guy and he
tells you he has to get up early...

what does that mean?
- It means he's lying.

- Why, is that what he told you?
- Yeah. Last night.

Oh, come on. Men have to
get up early sometime.

No. Never.

Jerry, I'm sure I've seen men on
the street early in the morning.

Well, sometimes we do
have to get up early...

but a man will always
trade sleep for sex.

Is it possible I'm not as attractive
as I think I am?

Anything's possible.


- What's the matter with you?
- Steinbrenner!

- He's ruining my life.
- Oh, yes.

- Steinbrenner.
- I can't take another season with him.

He just traded away
their best prospects...

just like he did with Buhner,
McGee, Drabeck, McGriff.

I know the list.

What's that smell?

What..? What smell?

You stink.

- What do you mean, I stink?
- You stink.

- Why don't you take a shower.
- I showered.

Oh, wait a second.

Since I showered, I've been in the car.

- So?
- Don't you see what's happening?

It's attached itself to me. It's alive.

If it's attached itself to you...

Oh, my God.

That's why Carl said he had to
get up early, because I stink.

Jerry, he thinks I have BO. Me.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- It's George.
- I'm coming right down.

- All right, what happened?
- What happened?

My car stinks is what happened.

And it's destroying the lives
of everyone in its path.

- This is BO?
- Yes.

- This is unbelievable BO.
- I know.

At the car wash, the guy told me
in 38 years in the business...

he's never smelled anything like it.

So let me ask you, do you think
I could've done this?

No, no. It's the valet guy.

No, no. I mean, driven Susan
to lesbianism.

Oh, no. That's ridiculous.

What if her experience with me
drove her to it.

Suicide, maybe. Not lesbianism.

The woman she was
"lesbianing" with...

Susan told me she's never
been with a guy.

Oh, this isn't even BO.
This is beyond BO. It's BBO.

There should be a BO squad
that patrols the city...

to sniff them out, strip them down
and wash them with a soapy brush.

The funny thing is, somehow
I find her more appealing now.

Like, if I knew she was
a lesbian when we went out...

I never would've
broken up with her.

Let me see if I understand this.

On second thought...

Oh, my God, there he is.
That's the guy.

No, thank you. Go back.

No, go back.

No, back, back.

Go back. I got it. I'll park it.

I'll park it. Go back. You go back.

Sorry. Thank you. Thank you, no.

What do you mean "stunk up"?

I mean the car stinks.

George, does the car stink?

- Stinks.
- Stinks.

Well, perhaps you're the one
who has the odor.

I've never smelled in my life, buddy.

- Really? Well, I can smell you now.
- That's from the car.

Maybe you stunk up the car,
rather than the car stinking up you.

Oh, it's the chicken and the egg.

Thank you very much.

Well then, go out and smell the car.
See which smells worse.

I don't have time to smell cars.

Forget about smelling the car.

Smell the valet. Go to the source.

- You gotta smell the car.
- I'm a busy man.

Come on. One whiff.

All right. One whiff.

All right. I give up. I
admit it, it stinks.

Now could you let me out?

- Yeah, you'll pay for the cleaning?
- Yes, $50. I'll give you $50.

- Fifty dollars, that's not gonna cover it.
- Whatever you want.

- I'll give you whatever you want!
- I want half, 125.

Yes! Yes, 125 is good.
Now could you please open the door!

- All right.
- Let me out of here!

- Oh, my God.
- What?

The video. Someone stole
the video right out of the car.

- Someone stole Rochelle, Rochelle?
- Well, you left the window open.

We had to air out the car.

- You should pay for it.
- I'm not paying for that.

They already got my $7.

Erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.

- The valet had such bad BO?
- Oh, man, just rampant, mutant BO.

The O went from the valet's B
to the car to me.

It clings to everything.
Jerry thinks it's an entity.

But I showered,
and I shampooed. So...

- That's a relief.
- Yeah.

- What?
- It's still there.

No, no, it can't be.
I shampooed. I rinsed.

- I repeated.
- It's still there. I smelled it.

I don't smell anything.
Take another smell.

- No. No.
- No, here, just...


Which movie was that again?

Rochelle, Rochelle.


Hey. Thanks for meeting me here.

- Yeah, I don't have much time.
- Yeah, listen, I gotta ask you...

I was a little concerned that...

perhaps I was responsible
in some way for your...


That'll be $98.

What $98?

That's what I said, $98.

How could that piece
of crap cost $98?

- George, I really have...
- Do you believe this?

Ninety-eight dollars!

Do you have any cash?

I guess.

I need, like, 35. Thanks.

So was it me?

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Is that what
you wanted to talk to me about?

- Here.
- Oh, thanks.

- Thanks a lot. I'll pay you back.
- Yeah, sure.

- I gotta go.
- Listen.

Let me ask you something:

If you and Mona were ever
to dance...

how do you decide who leads?

I mean, do you take turns?

Do you discuss it beforehand?
How does that work?

You're an idiot.

Why? That's a legitimate
sociological question.

- I'll see you.
- But...

Oh, and George, by the way...

you stink. You need a bath.

It's not me! It's the car!

I didn't think I'd come.

I knew you would.

- Oh, Mona.
- Oh, Kramer.

You can give it the executive
treatment. That includes...

complete deionization
of the entire vehicle.

Where we spray everything
with Ozium-D, let it deionize...

vacuum the spray out
with a deionizing machine.

Hit it with high-pressure
compressed air...

and wet-dry vac it to extract
the remaining liquids.

And we top it off with
one of our seven air fresheners.

In your case, I would recommend
the jasmine or the potpourri.

Let's do it.

The first thing that we're gonna do...

is flush the follicles
with the five essential oils.

Then we put you under a vapor
machine, and then a heated cap.

Then we shampoo and shampoo...

and condition and condition.

Then we saturate the hair...

in diluted vinegar.

Two parts vinegar, 10 parts water.
Now, if that doesn't work...

we have one last resort.

Tomato sauce.

Tomato sauce?

Thanks a lot.

Wait a minute.

It still smells.

It still smells!

It still smells.

It still smells.

- How could it still smell after all that?
- I don't know.

- What are you gonna do?
- I'll tell you what, I'm selling that car.

- You're selling the car?
- You don't understand...

what I'm up against.
This is a force more powerful...

than anything you can imagine.

Even Superman would be helpless
against this kind of stench.

And I'll take anything I can get for it.

Maybe I'll buy it.

Are you crazy?

Don't you understand
what I'm saying to you?

This isn't just an odor. You need
a priest to get rid of this thing.

- I still smell.
- You see?

You see what I'm saying to you?
It's a presence. It's the beast.

All right, let me smell you.

Kramer. Kramer!

- What's that? What's going on?
- Kramer open up, I know you're there!

- Susan.
- Kramer!

- What is going on?
- You know what's going on?

First, he vomits on me.

Then he burns down
my father's cabin.

And now he's taken
Mona away from me.

- He stole your girlfriend?
- Yes.

She's in love with him.


I drive them to lesbianism,
he brings them back.


- She still there?
- No. She left.

- What is going on? What did you do?
- I don't know, I didn't do anything.

I was in the video store, and I was
practicing my golf swing, you know.

You know, with a broom, and...

Yeah. But she saw me take a swing,
and she told me...

that the club is going back too fast.
Well, we started talking.

She's a golf teacher. So I went
to a lesson, and, you know...

something happened between us.
She's a golf teacher.

I've struck gold! I've already taken
six strokes off my game.

That's the least of what
you've accomplished.

I'm gonna have dinner with her.
Can I borrow your jacket?

- Oh, sure.
- Yeah.

Wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer.
Hold on a second, I don't get this.

This woman has never been
with a man her entire life.

I'm Kramer.

Look, I know what you're
going through.

Women. Who knows what they want?

I just don't know what
she sees in Kramer.

Listen, you're beautiful. You're
intelligent. You'll meet other girls.

- You think so?
- Yes, I know so.

You happen to be
a very eligible lesbian.

- You're very sweet.
- Hey, I know what I'm talking about.

But I gotta be honest with you,
I gotta tell you...

ever since I saw you holding hands
with that woman...

I can't get you out of my mind.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You're just so hip.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

It's Allison. I dated her right after you.
She was obsessed with me.


Allison. Hi.

- Oh, my God. How are you?
- Good.

You know, you owe me $50.

Fifty dollars, right. Right.

I don't have it on me right now.
Allison, this is Susan. Susan, Allison.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

That's a beautiful vest.

Thank you.

I don't understand it. I was with her
last night at my apartment.

It was very romantic.

With that fake wood wallpaper, the
atmosphere is fabulous in there now.

It's like a ski lodge.

- What year did you say this was?
- Ninety.

We're on the couch. I moved to hug
her, next she tells me she's leaving...

she's got to get up early.

- That's strange.
- How many miles you got on this?

Twenty-three thousand.

And I was looking good too.

I had a nice new shirt on.
I'm wearing your jacket.

Wait a second. My jacket.

I wore that in the car. The beast.

- This wicked funk.
- What?

I can't sell this car.

This thing.

It's got to be stopped.

- So, what do you want to do?
- Sauce me.

Why do we need BO?

What is the function of it?

Everything in nature has a reason,
has a purpose, except BO.

It doesn't make any sense.
Do something good...

hard work, exercise,
you smell very bad.

This is the way the human being
is designed. You move, you stink.

Why can't our bodies help us?

Why can't sweat smell good?
It'd be a different world, wouldn't it?

Instead of putting your laundry
in the hamper, put it in a vase.

Go down to the drug store, pick up
some odorant and perspirant.

Probably have a dirty sock hanging
from the rearview mirror of your car.

Then on a special night,
maybe a little underwear...

coming out of your breast pocket.

Just to show her that she's important.