Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 20 - The Junior Mint - full transcript

You can't have adultery.
You commit it.

You can't even commit adultery unless
you already have a commitment.

So you have to make the commitment
before thinking about committing it.

There's no commit without the commit.

Then, once you commit,
then you can commit the adultery.

Then you get caught, get divorced,
lose your mind...

and they have you committed.

You know, some people actually cheat
on the people they're cheating with...

which is like, you know,
being in a holdup...

and turning to the robber
next to you and going:

"All right, give me everything
you have too."



You met her
at the supermarket? How?

Produce section.
Very provocative area.

Lots of melons and shapes.
Everyone squeezing and smelling.

It just happened.

- So when you gonna see her?
- Tonight.

- What's her name?
- I don't know.

- How could you not know her name?
- I was nervous. I got distracted.

It had something to do
with a car or a fish.

Look at... Why do I get bananas?
They're good for one day.

Oh, my God. I forgot to tell you.

I got a letter today from
the State Controller's Office.

Back in public school in Brooklyn...

every week I put 50 cents
in the Lincoln Savings Bank.

- Yeah, I did that too.
- Remember the little bankbook?



I haven't put anything in it since sixth
grade. I completely forgot about it.

The State Controller's Office
tracks me down.

The interest has accumulated
to $1900.

Nineteen hundred dollars.
They're sending me a check.

Yeah. Interest. It's an amazing thing.

You make money
without doing anything.

I have some friends that try and base
their whole life on that principle.

- Really? Who?
- Nobody you know.

Maybe I'll go down to the track,
put it all on a horse.

Why don't you put it in the bank.

Bank? This is found money.

I want to parlay it.
I wanna make a big score.

You mean you wanna lose it.

Yeah. All right.

- You got it, huh?
- Yes, I did.

- Yes.
- What's with the gloves?

Well, I'm staining my floors. You know,
I don't wanna get my hands dirty.

- What, the whole apartment?
- The whole apartment.

And I'm buying
that fake-wood wallpaper.

I'm gonna surround myself
in wood.

It's gonna be like a log cabin.

Because I need wood around me.

Wood, Jerry. Wood.

- Wood is good.
- Definitely.

So we're still going to play
racquetball, right?

- Yeah. Whenever you're ready.
- Okay. Soon as Elaine gets here.

- What, you rented Home Alone?
- Yeah.

- I thought you saw that.
- No, I saw Home Alone 2.

Oh, right. But you hated it.

Well, I was lost.
I never saw the first one.

- By the way, you mind if I watch it here?
- What for?

If I watch it at my apartment,
I feel like I'm not doing anything.

If I watch it here, I'm out of the house,
I'm doing something.

All right, go ahead.

- Yeah?
- It's me. Are you ready to go?

No. Come on up.

I can't work with these.

- What's wrong?
- You bought me dishwashing gloves.

- There's no fine touch.
- You said "gloves."

No. No, these are too thick.

- Is that Home Alone?
- Yeah. The original.

- Hey, boys-o.
- Hey!

Hello.

Hey, get your stuff. Let's go.

Wait a minute.
There's a change of plans.

- What?
- Remember Roy, the artist?

- Oh, the triangle guy.
- Yeah. Exactly. The triangle guy.

Yeah. You liked him.
What happened?

Yeah, I did. He was very talented.

He was just, I don't know,
a little too...

- Artsy?
- Fat.

He was a fat starving artist,
you know?

- That's very rare.
- Yeah.

Anyway, he's in the hospital,
he's having surgery...

and I should go visit him.
- What's wrong?

Something with his spleen.
It'll just take five minutes.

Okay? The hospital's
right on the way.

- All right. We'll wait for you.
- I can get some rubber gloves there.

Listen, Jerry, could you
do me a favor?

Could you go into the room
with me to visit him?

Because I don't want him to think
that I'm, you know, interested.

Oh, you want me to pretend
to be your boyfriend.

- Well...
- Well, I think I can do that.

I've played that role before
to some critical acclaim.

- All right, let's go.
- All right.

- Yep.
- What's with him?

You know, a lot of people
have asked that.

Roy.

Elaine.

What a surprise.

Oh, my God.

I hardly recognize you. You look so...

- Yeah, I've lost some weight.
- A lot of weight.

- I know.
- You look terrific.

Thank you. So do you.

This is... You really lost weight.

- Thank you.
- Jerry. I'm the boyfriend.

Dr. Whittenberg, outside call.

Dr. Whittenberg, outside call.

The mother lode.

I can't believe it. You were huge.

Like blubber.

I couldn't even get my arms
around you.

Yes. I remember.

Well, that's a positive thing
about getting sick.

- You get to lose weight.
- Elaine, it wasn't the illness.

- It was you.
- Me?

Yeah. After you stopped seeing me,
I was devastated.

I couldn't eat for weeks.

Get out!

- Really. It's the truth.
- Jerry, did you hear this?

He couldn't eat for weeks.

That's terrible.

I had no idea I had
that kind of effect on you.

You did.

You know, I can't get
this damn thing to sleep.

Now, listen, Roy, tell me something:

- When are you getting out of here?
- Next Thursday.

Okay, I tell you what.
How about on Friday...

I take you out for a big meal,
because you are getting too thin.

Honey...

aren't we going to
the Poconos next Friday?

No, that's the week after.

No, I believe it's next week.

- You're wrong.
- No, I'm not.

Shut up.

Pay dirt.

Roy, this is Kramer.
He's one of our friends.

- How do you do?
- I do great.

- Hi, Roy.
- Hey, Dr. Siegel.

Hey, doc, check this out.

- Hey.
- I just learned that.

I just wanted to stop by...

see if you had any questions
about tomorrow's operation.

Yeah, yeah, I have...
I have a question.

What do you know about
interabdominal retractors?

Are you asking because
you saw 20/20 last night?

I sure am.

Well, that report was about
one very specific type of retractor.

And I can assure you we do not use
that retractor in your friend's procedure.

But you will use a retractor.

We have to.

I'll tell you what. You're obviously
concerned about your friend's welfare.

A few of my students will be
observing tomorrow's operation...

from the viewing gallery. How would
you like to watch it with them?

- I'd love to watch the operation, yeah.
- I don't know.

Come on, Jerry,
you gotta see the operation.

They're gonna cut him open.
His guts will be all over the place.

- Yeah, that's true.
- They'll saw through bone.

We'll see what's inside bone.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- What are you doing? You're crying?
- No.

You're crying from Home Alone?

- The old man got to me.
- All right.

Get yourself together.
I don't know if I can be friends...

with you anymore after this display.
- Oh, shut up.

What are you doing back
so soon, anyway?

I never even got to the gym.
Kramer got the gloves...

wanted to come home
and start working on his floor.

- How's the guy?
- He's okay.

In fact, him and Elaine
are getting pretty chummy.

Now Elaine wants me to buy
some of his art.

- That's nerve.
- Yeah. So she and triangle boy...

can go out to fancy restaurants.

You know what it is?

It's Clara Nightingale Syndrome.

- He falls ill, she falls in love.
- You mean Florence Nightingale.

- What did I say, "Clara"?
- You must have meant Clara Barton.

Clara Barton? What did she do?

I'm not sure,
but I think she was nice.

Susan B. Anthony I think
I'd have a problem with.

Yeah, I think you would.

So are you gonna buy his art?

No. Why don't you buy it.
You got $1900.

Yeah. That's what I want. Triangles.

I'm out of here.
Have fun with whatshername.

I will.

You know, now you gotta ask her
her name. It's so embarrassing.

- No, it isn't. I can find out.
- Yeah? How?

There are ways.

You know, I remember
when I was a kid growing up...

kids would make fun of my name
like you wouldn't believe.

"Jerry, Jerry, Dingleberry" and...

- "Seinsmelled."
- Seinsmelled?

Yeah.

What about you? Did people
make fun of your name?

Are you kidding?
They were merciless.

What do you expect
when your name rhymes...

with a part of the female anatomy?

Of course, not everybody can be
as sweet as you are.

- Oh, Jerry.
- Oh, you.

Now, let's try "breast."

Celeste.

- Kest.
- No.

- Rest. Sest. Hest.
- Hest?

That's not a name.

- You should have just asked her.
- I know I should have asked.

- What are you gonna do now?
- I don't know. I can't ask her now.

I've already made out with her.

Once you make out with a woman,
you can't ask her her name.

Aretha.

No.

- Bovary.
- All right, that's enough.

You know what you gotta do?
You gotta go through her purse.

The credit cards, driver's license.

- Well, how am I gonna do that?
- When she goes to the bathroom.

- There you are.
- Hey.

My date stood me up.

Listen, will you guys go
to the operation with me?

You asked a date
to go to the operation?

Yeah.

So come on. What do you say?

- What kind of operation is it?
- Splenectomy.

- Isn't that where they remove the..?
- Don't ruin it.

I haven't seen it yet.

Now, come on. What do you say?

Mulva.

Mulva?

Come on, come on. You wanna go?

- Come on. Yeah.
- All right. All right.

Just let me finish my coffee.

Then we'll watch them go
slice this fat bastard up.

Now we'll open
the peritoneal cavity...

exposing the body's
internal organs.

Nurse, retractor.

- What are you eating?
- Junior Mints.

- You want one?
- No.

Now, I can't see.

Could you get..?

Where'd you get those?

- The machine. You want one?
- No.

- Here. Take one.
- I don't want one.

- No, they're good.
- I don't want any.

- Just take one.
- No. Stop... Kramer, stop it.

- Did it go in?
- Yes.

Over the balcony, bounced off
some respirator thing...

into the patient.

What do you mean,
"Into the patient"?

Into the patient. Literally.

- Into the hole?
- Yes.

The hole.

- Didn't they notice it?
- No.

- How could they not notice it?
- Because it's a little mint.

It's a Junior Mint.

Well, what did they do?

They sealed him up
with the mint inside.

- They left the Junior Mint in him?
- Yes.

Well, I... I guess it can't hurt him.

People eat pounds of those things.

Yes, they eat them.

They don't put them next to vital
organs in their abdominal cavity.

- Yeah.
- It's me.

Come on up.

Hey.

This wallpaper is very good.

My place looks like a ski lodge.

Why'd you force that mint on me?
I didn't want the mint!

- What? I didn't believe you.
- How could you not?

Well, who's gonna turn down
a Junior Mint?

It's chocolate, it's peppermint.
It's delicious.

- That's true.
- It's very refreshing.

Well, just don't say anything
about this to Elaine.

Prognosis...

negative.

Prognosis negative?

He's not doing well.
The doctors don't know what it is.

They're baffled.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

Just my luck, you know? Just when
he was getting thin and attractive.

You know, Jerry, you should
buy some of his art.

- That would really lift his spirits.
- It's that bleak?

You know, if the guy dies...

the art could really be
worth something.

- We gotta confess.
- Really?

- Yes.
- We could be tried for murder.

I can't have this on my conscience.
We're Leopold and Loeb.

- You're not saying anything.
- You can't stop me.

No, you're not!

Hey, Elaine, put me down
for some of that art.

Nineteen hundred dollars' worth.

Yeah, that's the spot.

What are you so tense about?

Nothing, really. Just a homicide.

That's terrific...

Mulva.

What?

Mulva?

Mulva?

My...

My aunt's name is Mulva.
She's a masseuse.

I'm going to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.

Good idea.

What are you doing?

I was just looking for some gum.

- Or a mint.
- I have Junior Mints.

No! No. I mean...

No, thank you. No.

- Any news?
- No. No. You better get out of here.

No, wait a sec. Wait a second.

I don't know the name of
this woman in the bathroom.

So when she comes out,
you introduce yourself.

- She'll be forced to say her name.
- Ten-four.

Okay.

- Hello.
- Hello, I'm Kramer.

- Nice to meet you.
- See you later.

I'd better get going.
I don't wanna be late for the play.

- Okay.
- My cousin knows the producer.

I may get to go backstage
and meet Olympia Dukakis.

- There's a name you don't forget.
- Bye, Jerry.

Bye.

- Hi.
- Hi, I'm George.

- Nice to meet you, George.
- Yeah. I gave it a shot.

So any word on the artiste?

No. I haven't heard anything.

- Well, I got my triangles.
- Really?

Yep. You know, they really
spruce up the apartment.

Yeah, I'm sure. I gotta call the hospital.
I gotta tell them what happened.

- No, no. Jerry, I wouldn't do that.
- Why?

You could get in trouble.

Look, I gotta try and help the guy.

Who are you to play God?!

Every man's time comes.

If his number is up,
who are you to interfere?

Yes, I'd like to speak with Dr. Siegel.

It's about Roy Corning's condition.

- What? What?
- That's fantastic.

- He didn't get better, did he?
- Thank you very much. Okay. Bye-bye.

He's gonna be okay.

Where's the luck?

There's no luck.

Nineteen hundred dollars
down the drain.

You saved my life, George.

You buying my art is what
inspired me to get better.

I'll never forget what you did for me.

Well, that's great. It's really great.

You know, art's a great investment.

They'll be great in your apartment.

Yes, I look forward
to many years of...

looking at the triangles.

Well, I'll... I'll wait for you outside.

- Hey, George.
- Yeah?

- All right.
- That's nice.

Thanks, Roy.

Hey.

There's the guy who saved my life.

You know, I don't want
to totally discount...

the emotional element
in your recovery...

but I think there were
other factors at play here.

- What do you mean?
- I have no medical evidence...

to back me up, but something
happened during the operation...

that staved off that infection.

Something beyond science.

Something perhaps...

from above.

Mint?

Those can be very refreshing.

So Elaine...

where we going for our
big dinner on Friday?

I'm so sorry, Roy...

but, actually, we are going to
the Poconos on Friday. Right, honey?

I don't think so.

Yeah, I believe that we...
We are.

I believe we're not.

- Please, can we go to the Poconos?
- Well, I'll think about it.

Great seats. You could see
the actors spitting.

Really.

Afterwards, we went backstage,
and Olympia Dukakis...

autographed my playbill.

- Wait a second. You got her autograph?
- Yeah.

- Do you have it with you?
- Yeah, it's in my purse.

Let me see.

You know, I really think I'm
falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld.

Well, I really think
I'm falling for you...

"Joseph Poglia."

I had it autographed for my uncle.

Yeah, I know.

You don't know my name, do you?

- Yes, I do.
- What is it?

It rhymes with a female body part.

What is it?

Mulva?

Gipple?

Loleola?

Dolores!

Ages 0 through 10, candy is
your life. There's nothing else.

Family, friends, school,
they're only obstacles...

in the way of getting more candy.

You have your favorite candies
that you love.

You know, "I love those. I hate those.

I hate those. I love those."

Only a 7-year-old kid can actually
taste the difference...

between, like, a red M&M
and a light-brown M&M.

That's two totally different things
when you're a 7-year-old.

"Well, your red is more of
a main-course M&M...

but the brown, it's a more
of a mellower flavor.

It's an after-dinner M&M, really."