Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 19 - The Implant - full transcript

I don't belong to a health club. I have a
limit on naked men I see in one day.

Zero.

That's it.

What is with the high level of security
at health clubs, you know?

The picture IDs. Security guards.
Signing in and out.

What is this, the Kremlin?

I mean, the people with a membership
go twice a year. Who's breaking in?

Is this a big problem,
people stealing exercise?

And what if they catch the person?
What then? They run. It's aerobic.

Makes it even worse.

- Hi, Jerry.
- Oh, hi, Sidra.



I last about 10 minutes
on the StairMaster.

Unless someone's stretching in front of
me in a leotard, then I can go an hour.

- Really?
- That's why it's called the StairMaster.

You get up there and you stare.

Well, I'm done.
I think I'm gonna go take a sauna.

I'll see you Thursday night?

- Thursday night.
- Okay.

Good workout?

Tremendous workout.

- It's a pretty girl.
- Tremendous girl.

- She the one you went out with?
- Yeah. I really like her.

You know, they're fake.

- What? Don't say that.
- No. They're fake.

- How do you know?
- I can tell.



You know how you always brag
how you can spot a lesbian?

I'm not bragging. I happen to
have a very keen lesbian eye.

Hi, how you doing?

Oh, right.

Come on. Don't you think
they seem just a bit too perfect?

Yes, they do.

I never knew you were into breasts.
Thought you were a leg man.

Leg man? Why would I be a leg man?
I don't need legs. I have legs.

Have you seen her naked
in the locker room?

- No.
- Then I can't accept your testimony.

Maybe if you'd seen her naked.

- I don't wanna see her naked.
- Well, I do.

Well, that's your problem.

Look, you made the allegation.
The least you could do is follow up.

Jerry, what am I gonna do? Go in
there and spy on her in the sauna?

Yes. Go in there. Do a little
investigative journalism.

I need to know.

But a few more dates,
you can find out for yourself.

Don't be so sure. Look at George.

He's on his ninth date with Betsy.
Still hasn't got anywhere.

What's his problem?

Every time he makes a move
something screws up.

Their last date
they were on the couch...

but she was on his wrong side.
- Wrong side?

Yeah, she was on his right side. He
can't make a move with his left hand.

Can't go left.

- He can't go left?
- No.

I'm lefty. Can't go right.

What about women?
They go left or right?

No, we just play defense.

Could I ask you a question?

Would you mind switching seats?

Actually, I'd really prefer to sit here.
I don't hear very well out of this ear.

I always try to sit
to the right of people.

I'll shout.

Well, I really think
I feel more comfortable here.

Come on, come on.

- Come on, really. Come on.
- George, I...

- Now, come on.
- No, I really...

See, now is that so bad?

What?

- Oh, I...
- The machine will get it.

No, it's not on.

- They'll call back.
- George, what if it's an emergency?

In the whole world right now
there's maybe three emergencies.

Why would you think on this
planet that you're one of those three?

George, please.

Hello.

What?

Oh, my God.

All right, maybe four.

Boy, I'm really sweating.

Good sweat. Beads of sweat.
Sweating bullets.

Look at her.

I don't need to see her naked
to know those aren't real.

I mean, why'd she even
tie the towel around her?

She's got a rack on her chest.

Oh, God.
Sidra's taking the towel off.

Doctor.

That's it.

I knew it. I knew it.
They're definitely fake.

So when's the funeral?

Oh, well.

Aunt Clarice was so ill
I guess it was really a blessing.

Yeah, I'll fly home
as soon as I can.

Okay. You too. Get some sleep.

- You're sure?
- Positive.

This chick's playing
with Confederate money.

Then that's it.
That's the end of that.

- What? Just because that?
- Just because of that?

It's like finding out
Mickey Mantle corked his bat.

You've dated women with nose jobs.
What's the difference?

You don't touch the nose.
You don't aspire to reach the nose.

You don't unhook anything
to get to a nose...

and no man has ever tried to look
up a woman's nostrils.

You've put a lot of thought into this,
haven't you?

Well, I take it very seriously.

Sometimes when I think you're
the shallowest man I've ever met...

you somehow manage
to drain a little more out of the pool.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You know, I do kind of wonder
what fake breasts feel like.

Well, I know what they feel like.

You? How do you know?

Well, I lived in Los Angeles
for three months.

- I thought you hated Los Angeles.
- No, I do.

Just miss
the warm weather, you know?

Oh, man, I wish I could get away.

Real busy now, down at the office?

No. You know who I saw
at the health club?

Salman Rushdie.

- No.
- Yeah, right.

Salman Rushdie.

Well, I could see that. You got
five million Moslems after you.

You wanna stay
in pretty good shape.

I know what the problem is.

I like her too much.
That's why I can't make a move.

- You put her on a pedestal.
- I put them on a dental chair.

He puts them on a dental chair.

I'm not her boyfriend.
I wanna be her boyfriend.

It's like a sauna in here.

- That's funny.
- You're a funny guy.

Never heard that before.

So you going to the funeral?

- You think I should?
- Are you kidding?

It's a golden opportunity
to advance the relationship.

She's crying. You put your arm
around her and console her.

You're the consolation guy.

- I'm the consolation guy.
- Consolation guy is big.

Her aunt dying
is the best thing for you.

It's like 10 dates in one shot.

This confers upon you
instant boyfriend status.

The family's there.

You're taking care of things. You're
getting sandwiches. You're the rock.

It's in Detroit, though.
It's an expensive flight.

Why don't you get a
"death in the family" fare?

What?

Go to the airlines. Tell them
that you have a death in the family...

they give you
50 percent off the fare.

- Really?
- In fact...

listen, I'll go with you. We'll tell
them there's a death in my family.

You buy the ticket. I'll split it.

Then I'll get the bonus miles and you'll
get to Detroit for a quarter of the price.

Boy, I'm getting a good sweat here.
Great sweat. Good beads. Nice beads.

Oh, look who's here.
Silicon Valley.

Oh, so anyway. We go out on one date,
and he asks me out for a second...

and then out of nowhere he calls me,
cancels the date...

and says
he doesn't wanna see me again.

Sorry. I couldn't help overhearing.

- Oh, that's okay.
- Did he give you a reason?

Yeah. He's going back
to his old girlfriend.

Really?

Said she's mentally ill.

He's one of those guys who is
obsessed with neatness and order.

Everything has gotta be just so.
He would have made a great Nazi.

Hey, does he ever
talk about Superman?

- Yes. How did you know?
- I know the type.

- Oh, so you can relate?
- Oh, yeah.

You know, I've seen you around the
club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcy.

- Oh, hi. I'm Elaine.
- Hi.

Anyway, I stood up to shake her hand
and suddenly I lost my balance...

and I fell right into her.
- You fell on her?

I touched them.

You what?

I touched them.

You touched them?

I needed them to help me
break my fall.

If it hadn't been for them,
I could have really injured myself.

Anyway...

they're real.

Excuse me.

I think they might be real.

Oh, what do you know? You have
no breast-touching experience.

- I've touched mine.
- So have I.

Oh, right, I forgot.

Anyway, touching two breasts
doesn't make you an expert.

All right. Anyway, I think they're real,
and if they are, they are spectacular.

What are you doing to me?

You see...

my friend here,
his aunt passed away last...

Oh, I'm very sorry.

I saw her last week. She looked
healthy and peaceful but she knew.

You poor thing.

You don't think you could buy
the ticket yourself? Oh, no, okay.

- I couldn't...
- No, please. There, there. You sit.

I'll purchase the ticket for you.

You're a good friend.

I understand you offer a
50-percent-off bereavement fare?

Yes. You have to pay the full fare now
then return to one of our counters...

with a copy of the death certificate,
and we'll refund half your fare.

The death certificate?

Yes, we do need documentation
or people could take advantage.

What kind of a sick person
would do a thing like that?

I know but it happens.

You want my friend to ask his uncle,
a man who lost his wife of 44 years...

for a death certificate to
save a few bucks on a flight?

That would be $387 round trip.

- You'll need my frequent flyer number.
- Yes.

I don't know.
One minute they're fake...

the next they're real.
I don't know what to believe.

Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only
one who's touched them.

Well, you were grabbing
onto them to save your life.

If you were drowning and
I threw you a life preserver...

you think you could tell
me if it was an inflatable?

I wouldn't have said anything if
I'd known you'd stop seeing her.

I don't mind a phony personality
but I gotta draw the line somewhere.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- George off to Detroit?
- Yep. And in two days...

I'm off to Puerto Rico.

Hey, Kramer, by the way...

I saw that guy at the health club.
That is not Salman Rushdie.

Wrong.

- There's Sidra.
- There's Salman.

- Where?
- Talking to that woman.

- To Sidra?
- If that's Sidra, she's talking to Salman.

- I don't think that's Salman.
- I don't think they're real.

- If that's Rushdie, they're real.
- If they're real, that's Rushdie.

- I gotta know. I'm talking to Sidra.
- I gotta know. I'm talking to Salman.

Like a sauna in here, huh?

Feel like I'm back at the desert.

- You've lived in the desert?
- Oh, yeah. I've...

I spent a little time
in the Mideast.

You ever been to the Mideast?

- Yes, I've been there.
- Look, my name's Kramer.

- Sal Bass.
- Yeah.

- Pleased to meet you, Kramer.
- Yeah.

So...

what kind of work do you do?

I'm a writer.

- Have you met my boyfriend, George?
- No.

George, this is Aunt May
and Father Jessup.

Oh, and that's my brother, Timmy.

This is my boyfriend, George.

Oh, George, how nice of you
to come all this way.

Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise,
what's the point of being the boyfriend.

This is where you have to be
when you're the boyfriend.

Betsy, dear,
have you had anything to eat?

- I'm not very hungry.
- They have some very nice snacks.

I'm about to get myself a snack.

Oh, no. You sit right here.

I will get you a nice snack.

This is my...

third wake this month.

Never gets any easier.

Well, losing a loved one is...

I mean, forget about it.

You...

You seem to be of great comfort
to Betsy. We're very appreciative.

Comfort "schmomfort."

Listen, Father,
can I ask you a question?

In a terrible time like this...

who would I get the
death certificate from?

- Oh, Jerry.
- Oh, how can you be so sure?

Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer.
He said his name was Sal Bass.

Bass, Jerry.

Instead of salmon,
he went with bass.

He just substituted
one fish for another.

Look, you idiot, first of all,
it's "Salman," not "salmon."

Jerry, Jerry, you're missing
the big picture.

All right. Maybe it is,
but listen, I gotta get ready...

Sidra's coming over
so if you don't mind...

- What, did you ask her?
- I'm gonna find out tonight.

Yes.

Why do you need
a death certificate?

Well, Dr. Allenwood...

I was hoping to compile an...

admittedly rudimentary
scrapbook of her life.

Something that Betsy
could have and hold on to.

Well, I suppose I could
make a copy of it.

Oh, that would be wonderful.

- Well, it's nice meeting you, George.
- Likewise.

What are you doing?

- What?
- Did..?

Did you just double dip that chip?

- Excuse me?
- You double dipped the chip.

Double dipped?
What are you talking about?

You dipped the chip.
You took a bite...

and you dipped again.

- So?
- It's like putting your whole mouth...

right in the dip.

From now on, when you take a chip
just take one dip and end it.

Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...

but I don't dip that way.

- Oh, you don't, huh?
- No.

You dip the way you wanna dip...

I'll dip the way I wanna dip.

- Give me the chip.
- Hey, hey, hey!

Give me the chip.

I don't know what I'm doing here.
I must be crazy.

- Hey, you mind switching seats?
- Why?

I don't know. I like sitting to the left of
people. Makes me feel like I'm driving.

Okay.

- How you doing?
- Good.

- How you doing?
- Good.

Feel good.

You know that Jayne Mansfield
had some big breasts.

Really big...

Huge. Just coming out the top of
her dress. They were choking her.

- I hear that's how she died.
- Yeah.

Have you noticed
that women today are..?

You know, they seem bigger.

- A lot of women are having them done.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- How do you like that?

A lot of people ask me
if I've had mine done.

You know people.

Gets a little tiring.
It's none of their business.

Oh, the nerve.

You know some people have
asked me if you've done that.

And what do you tell them?

Whatever you want me
to tell them.

Well, I think
you'll find out soon enough.

- Aren't you gonna get that?
- No.

- Well, what if it's an emergency?
- Oh, there's no emergency.

Jerry. Come on.
It's an emergency.

Excuse me.

All right.

What is it? You're interrupting.

I'm packing for Puerto Rico.
I need to borrow your bathing suit.

This is an emergency?
You need a bathing suit?

Well, I like yours.

I don't know, my bathing suit?
That's a little familiar.

I don't want your boys down there.

What's the matter with my boys?

Your boys should stay
in their neighborhood.

- All right, come on.
- All right. It's in the top drawer.

- Hurry up.
- Hey.

- Hi, Jer.
- Hi, Elaine.

- Oh, hi, Sidra.
- Hi. Elaine?

- What are you doing here?
- Looking for Kramer.

- What's going on?
- She was just...

showing me pictures
of places in Puerto Rico.

- When you two went down there.
- Oh, yeah. All right.

- Well, just...
- You know, these...

- Yeah, yeah.
- All right.

So where were we?

- I was just leaving.
- Right. You were leaving.

I can't believe you sent a woman
into the sauna to do that?

That was an accident.

I think you're both mentally ill.

And by the way, they're real
and they're spectacular.

Stop it, George. Get out. Get out!
I never wanna see you again.

- Go back to New York.
- Get out.

All right, sir. Now all I need is a death
certificate and you'll be on your way.

Well, you see
what happened was...

the doctor, the very same doctor that
was attending my late aunt suffered...

an untimely stroke...

and lost the use
of his right hand so...

obviously I was unable to get
the death certificate.

However, I do have this.

What's this?
- A picture of me next to the coffin.

- Nice try.
- Not even close, huh?

No.

The cosmetic surgery procedures
that are available to people today...

Liposuction.
Are you familiar with this?

This is a fat-sucking machine.

Now, you know, somewhere,
somebody is working on a way...

that this thing could go
into a restaurant.

And you could just
order it off the menu.

Give me the cheesecake,
crank me up to nine...

and put a scoop of ice cream
on the side.