Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 18 - The Old Man - full transcript

Elaine gets the gang to volunteer at an old folks' home. She gets freaked out by hers, George gets fired by his guy, and Jerry loses his. Kramer and Newman scheme to sell records to a vintage music store and steal the records from Jerry's old guy.

The life expectancy now is 72,
I think, for men.

Seventy-five or six
or something for women.

It's amazing to think that
a couple thousand years ago...

life expectancy was 30.

Which, in our terms, would mean you
get your driver's license around 5...

you'd marry at 9, divorced at 15.

In your late teens,
you move down to Florida.

I guess that's how spring break
got started. I don't know.

And eventually people
say things about you, like:

"Well, it's amazing, he's 28,
but he's still very alert.

His mind is so sharp, you would think
you're talking to a 2-year-old."

What's the point?

When I like them, they don't like me.
When they like me, I don't like them.

Why can't I act with ones I like
the way I do with ones I don't?

Well, you've only got another 50 years
or so to go and it'll all be over.

Maybe I need someone
who doesn't speak English.

Yeah, how about a mute?

A mute would be good.

Where you gonna meet a mute?

This is what my life has come to:
Trying to meet a mute.

I don't know, Jerry,
Something's missing.

There's a void, Jerry.
There's a void.

A deep, yawning chasm.

Well, there's gotta be more to life
than this.

What gives you pleasure?

Listening to you.

I listen to this for 15 minutes,
I'm on top of the world.

Your misery is my pleasure.

- Hey, boys.
- Hey, how you doing?

Good. Okay. Well, it's all set.
I start tomorrow.

- Start what?
- I signed up to do volunteer work...

- with senior citizens.
- Really?

Yeah. God. I can't tell you how I feel.

I mean, I feel so good.
I really feel good.

The strange thing is, I mean,
I haven't even met the woman yet.

- Volunteer work?
- What are you gonna do down there?

They say all it is is you go
over to their apartment and...

you take them out for a walk
and you get a cup of coffee...

and it's supposed
to make them feel good.

That's what I do with him.

Wait. When did you get this idea?

Last time I had lunch with you here.

You were going on and on and on
about how you wanna...

meet somebody
who didn't speak English.

What, do you break it in with her
then you try it out on me?

- And anybody could do this?
- Yeah.


Helping people.

Of course.

Of course.

It makes perfect sense.

How could I not be doing this?

- I am gonna help somebody, damn it.
- What about you?

No, it's not for me.

Jerry, if anybody should
be doing this, it's you.

What kind of a person are you?

I think I'm pretty much like you.

Only successful.

This is a wonderful thing.
They're so grateful...

to have someone to talk to.

And I can tell you
that everyone who participates...

finds the experience
extremely rewarding.

Well, I feel better already.

I mean, I'm feeling like
a good person.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, hey, what's your guy's
name again?

Fields. Sidney Fields.

Eighty-seven years old.

- How about your guy?
- Ben Cantwell, 85.

You think we'll make it to that age?

We? No.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, what's up, diggety-dog?

George and I just signed up with
the senior citizens volunteer agency.

Same thing Elaine's doing.

Oh, that's too bad.

Don't say I didn't try to warn you.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, Jerry, I'm surprised at you.

- What?
- It's a con.

These agencies are usually a front
for some money-laundering scheme.

Or they're bunco artists.

Bilking people out of their life savings.
Oh, yeah.

- Where do you get this?
- The alternative media, Jerry.

That's where you hear the truth.

Kramer? Kramer?

Kramer! Where are you? Kramer!

Come on, I'm in here. Come on.

- There you are.
- Yeah.

Hello, Newman.

Jerry. George. So did you ask him
about the records?

- Well...
- What records?

Newman and I are going partners,
selling used records.

You know Ron's Records
down on Bleecker?

They pay big cash for used records.

So we thought if you had any
of those big...

old-fashioned useless records
just lying around, you know...

We'd take them off your hands. Free.

Let me ask you something.
What do you do for a living, Newman?

I'm a United States postal worker.

Aren't those the guys
that always go crazy...

and come back with a gun
and shoot everybody?


- Why is that?
- Because the mail never stops.

It just keeps coming and coming
and coming.

Never a letup. It's relentless.

Every day it piles up more and more
and you gotta get it out...

but more keeps coming in!

Then the bar code reader breaks,
and it's Publishers Clearing House day!

All right, all right, all right.

Just take the records.
They're in the bedroom. Take them.

- Take anything you want.
- Yeah, yeah.

I'll give you 5 bucks.

- Five bucks?
- Five bucks?

- Do you know what those are worth?
- Yeah, I do. Five dollars.

Those records are worth more
than 5 dollars.

- He's gypping us.
- You're gypping us.

Well, what do you got? You know,
you got Don Ho Live In Honolulu.

You got Jerry Vale
Sings Italian Love Songs.

And you got Sergio Mendes.
Now, come on!

Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes
has a cult following.

Why, they follow him like a cult.

Can't walk down the street
in South America.

Look, that's his problem, all right?
Now, you don't like it? Too bad.

- I don't like it.
- I don't like it.

Then get out of my store, all right?

You bring me something decent,
I'll give you some money.

- All right, we'll be back, Jack.
- All right.

- Come on.
- We'll be back...


Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
The agency sent me.

- Agency?
- Yeah. Is this Sid Fields' residence?

- Sid Fields?
- What the hell is it?

- Mr. Fields?
- What?

Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
The agency sent me.

The agency? What agency?
The CIA?

- No, no, the senior...
- Who let you in here?

- The woman.
- Oh, her.

She steals from me. Steals my money.
She says she doesn't speak English.

My ass, she doesn't speak English.

Plays that freaking voodoo music.

Tries to hypnotize me.

She thinks she's gonna turn me
into a zombie...

and then rob me blind.

Well, I wasn't born yesterday.

I might drop dead today, but I
sure as hell wasn't born yesterday.

Now, get the hell out of my house.

But, Mr. Fields, I'm here
to spend some time with you.

Oh, really?

Are you the boyfriend?
I know she's got a boyfriend.

Are you gonna kill me?
I'm an old man, for crying out loud.

You gonna kill an old man,
you coward?

No, Mr. Fields. Look. Really. I'm...
Here's my ident...

I can't read that, you fool.

- Well, what's all this stuff?
- Trash. Garbage.

You're throwing this out?

I believe that's what you do
with garbage, you idiot.

Really? You don't want any of this?

Well, if I wanted it, I wouldn't be
throwing it away, would I, Einstein?

I have friends that would really love
to have these.

Well, take it. I sure as hell am not
gonna give it to my family.

Well, do you wanna go out and go
for a walk, get a cup of coffee?

With you?

I'd rather be dead.

Well, maybe I'll get going, then.

I just remembered I got
an appointment to get my tonsils out.

Good. Thank God. Good riddance.

Oh, listen, before you go...

would you mind
changing my diaper?

Oh, I feel great for 85.

You know, the average life span
for an American male is, like, 72.

You're really...

kind of pushing
the envelope there.

I'm not afraid to die,
and I never think about it.

You don't?

Boy, I think about it a lot.

I think about it at my age.

Imagine how much
I'll be thinking about it at your age.

All I'll do is keep thinking about it
till it drives me insane.

I'm grateful for
every moment I have.


How can you be grateful
when you're so close to the end?

When you know that any second:

It could all be over.
I mean, you're not stupid.

You can read the handwriting
on the wall.

It's a matter of simple arithmetic,
for God's sake.

I guess I just don't care.

What are you talking about?

How can you sit there
and look me in the eye...

and tell me that you're not worried?
Don't you have any sense?

Don't you have a brain?

Are you so completely senile
you don't even know...

what you're talking about

Wait a second.
Where are you going?

Life's too short to waste on you.

- Whoa, whoa, please.
- Get out of my way.

But, Mr. Cantwell,
you owe me for the soup.

- Mrs. Oliver?
- Yes, my dear?

- What's the trouble? Are you all right?
- Yeah.

Yeah... Yes. Yeah.

It's my goiter, isn't it?

Did you say goiter? What goiter?

This football-shaped lump
jutting out the side of my neck.

That goiter.


What do you know?

Does it bother you?

Bother me?

Why would a little goiter like that
bother me?

No. Not a bit. It's nothing.
It's nothing. It's...

In fact, it's very distinctive.
You know?

I mean, you wanna
know something?

I wish I had one.


Come on, Elaine, it's just a goiter.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I can't look the woman in the face.

I mean, I keep thinking that goiter's
gonna start talking to me.

You'd think that they'd mention that
before they sent you over there.

"Oh, by the way, this woman
almost has a second head."

But no, no.
I didn't get any goiter information.

They really should mention that in the
breakdown. Height. Weight. Goiter.

You know, you try to do some good.

You wanna be a good person,
but this is too much to ask.

Well, I'd rather talk to a goiter
with a nice disposition...

than the nut they sent me to.

Georgie, what happened
with your guy?

I don't think it's gonna work out.

- What do you mean?
- He fired me.

He fired you?

How do you get fired
from a volunteer job?

I don't know. I was just talking
to the man, and he walked out on me.

Well, I don't know about you two,
but I'm quitting.

I hate my guy.

He's a mean, mean guy.

- I wish I could quit.
- So quit.

Yeah, I'm a great quitter.

It's one of the few things I do well.

I come from a long line of quitters.

My father was a quitter.
My grandfather was a quitter.

I was raised to give up.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Well, here's your albums.

- What happened?
- Five dollars.

- He offered us 5 dollars.
- What kind of stuff you listening to?

You embarrassed me at that store.

That guy thought we were
a couple of total squares.

Oh, yeah,
you and your Sergio Mendes.

Hey, that guy can't even go
to the bathroom in South America.

You should have seen the albums...

this old guy I was visiting today
was throwing away.

Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson,
Benny Goodman.

- Wait, he's throwing them out?
- I asked if my friends could have them.

- He said, "Yeah."
- The coot's sitting...

- on a mountain of gold.
- Yeah.

You have to get them.
I'm not carrying them.

- But you're gonna come.
- Yeah. I'm going there today.

In fact, you should see
this housekeeper.

She's from Senegal.

Wild, wild stuff.


So you don't speak
any English at all?

- English? No.
- No.

Hey, what are those bums
doing back there?

You said they could come
and take the records.

It's like watching a couple of hyenas
going through the garbage.

- You don't speak any English?
- No English.

I would like to dip my bald head in oil
and rub it all over your body.

You don't understand.

It's a miracle.

You don't understand
because you don't speak English.

So I just don't know
if this arrangement...

Hey. Hey. I don't like
what's going on around here.

- I want all of you bums out of here.
- Calm down...

- Don't tell me to calm down.
- Please...

- Get your hands off me.
- Cool it, pops.

- Why, you little...
- Wait, wait, Mr. Fields.

He's biting me!

My teeth. My teeth!

Where's his teeth?
Where's his teeth?

I saw something fly over here.

Well, turn the light on.

That's the garbage disposal.

My teeth. You idiots.

Well, we'll take you to your dentist.
Where's your dentist?

- Downtown.
- All right.

George, Kramer, look after Mr. Fields.
I'll go get the cab.

Bunch of morons.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Where's the old man?

I thought George
was keeping an eye on him.

- Me? I thought you were.
- Come on, we lost the old man.

Let's go. Get out of the car.
Go. We've gotta find him.

He can't have gotten far.

And we would take
long automobile trips.

- Well, that sounds like a lot of fun.
- Yes, and...

just staring out the window...

you'd see a long view
of rolling pastures and...

- Get you going, right there.
And very big Brahman cows and...

- Oh, cows? Oh, that's...
- Yeah, that was when...

I began my affair with Mohandas.

- What?
- Mohandas.


The passion.

The forbidden pleasure.

You had an affair with Gandhi?

He used to dip his bald head in oil...

and he'd rub it all over my body.

Here. Look.

Oh, my God.

The Mahatma?

We're supposed to be looking
for the old man.

Oh, we will. We will.

Twenty bucks.

Twenty bucks?
Are you out of your mind?

- Take it or leave it.
- We got Al Jolson here. Al Jolson!

Al Jolson. What the hell do I care
about Al Jolson?

I'd just as soon hear
you sing "Mammy."

This guy is nothing
but a piece of crap.

You are nothing but a piece of crap.

What did you call me?

- A piece of crap.
- A piece of crap.

- I find you extremely ugly.
- I find you extremely ugly.

- Do you?
- You emit a foul and unpleasant odor.

- You emit a foul and unpleasant odor.
- Oh, is that right?

- I loathe you.
- I loathe you.

That's it. Get out of my store.

- Make us.
- Make us. Make us. Make us.

- I'll make you.
- Wait a minute. Wait! Wait!

Do you realize how irresponsible
this is?

Our agency's sole purpose
is to care for senior citizens.

And in one fell swoop
you have single-handedly...

destroyed our reputation.

Yes, but...

- Yes?
- It's Tim Fields. Mr. Fields' son.

All right, come on up.

Oh, great.

I don't know what happened.
We tried to take him to the dentist.

Why were you taking him
to the dentist?

Well, his false teeth got mangled up
in the garbage disposal.

What were his teeth doing
in the garbage disposal?

- Well, after he bit my friend...
- Bit your friend?

What the hell is going on here?
How do you lose a human being?

- I am sorry.
- And who were these other people?

What were they doing
in the apartment?

Well, I brought them up there
to take his records.

Take his records?

Do you realize how valuable
that record collection is?

- Hey!
- There you are. Did you find him?


We took the records over to Ron's,
and he tried to screw us...

and then we got in a fight.
- A real melee.

Yeah, a real brouhaha.

- Then all the records broke.
- The records? My father's records?

- Did anybody try and call him?
- Yeah, I called, but there's no answer.

Well, the line's busy now.

The line's busy. He must be home.


We couldn't find him.

What the hell's the point?

When you like them,
they don't like you...

and when they like you,
you don't like them.

Oh, you don't know what you want.

You should see a psychiatrist.

I got fixed up last week.

I never would get fixed up.

I go to pick her up,
and she opens the door...

and she's got this huge goiter
growing out of the side of her neck.

Looked like a football.

- What did you do?
- Well, we get to talking...

and as it turns out,
the woman knew Gandhi.

We talked for hours.

Well, are you gonna see her again?

We were getting along real good...

and then she made some tea.

Put some milk in it
without asking me.

Now, that's a turnoff.

You don't need that.

The thing about old people...

is everything about them
gets smaller.

You know, their bodies get smaller.
They move into smaller places.

They sleep less time,
they eat smaller meals.

Except the car. The older they get,
the bigger their car gets.

I've never understood that.

Old people have a way
of backing out of the driveway.

Know what I mean?
They don't turn side to side.

They just go, "I'm old.
I've been waiting a long time.

I'm backing it out. "You know?
"I'm coming back.

Watch out. I'm coming," you know.
And you've gotta watch out for them.

And then once they get out there
they drive so slowly.

I would think the less time
you have in life...

the faster you would wanna go.

I think old people should be allowed
to drive their age.

If you're 80, do 80.

If you're 100, go 100.

They can't see where they're going
anyway, let them have fun out there.