Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 15 - The Visa - full transcript

What are lawyers really?

To me, a lawyer is basically...

the person that knows
the rules of the country.

We're all throwing the dice,
playing the game...

moving our pieces around the
board, but if there's a problem...

the lawyer is the only person that
has read the inside top of the box.

I think one of the fun things
for them is to say "objection."

"Objection! Objection, Your Honor."

"Objection," of course,
is the adult version of "afraid not."

To which the judge
can say two things:

He can say "overruled," which
is the adult version of "afraid so."



Or he can say "sustained,"
which is the adult version of "duh."

So... So you're a lawyer.

What kind of cases
do you handle?

Oh, everything. Divorce, patents,
immigration and naturalization.

What is that? Immigrants come over,
you show them how to act natural?

Are your friends as funny as you?

No, they're not funny at all.
No. I have no funny friends.

I'm the funny one. El Clown-o.

Look, I was nice enough
to pick it up for you.

Hey, I've been back four days.
I want my mail.

It's mostly bills, magazines
and junk mail anyway.

Elaine, that's what mail is.

Without bills, magazines
and junk mail, there is no mail.

- Here's my card.
- Oh, okay. Thank you.



- Hey, good talking to you.
- Nice meeting you.

- Hi.
- Hey, how you doing?

You would not believe
what just happened.

I was waiting for you, and this woman
was sitting at the counter.

- What, the one who just left?
- Yeah.

And so we started talking...

and she's this lawyer,
who's incredible.

You know,
everything I said was funny.

She laughed at everything I said.
She thinks I'm hilarious.

You know, in a way,
it was almost too good.

I started so good, I can't go anyplace
but down now, you know.

I got no place to go.

Yeah, well, guess it's all over.

Hey, is that Babu?

- It is. Hey, Babu!
- Jerry.

Look at you. You got the job.

- Yes, they give me job, thanks to you.
- Oh, I didn't do anything.

No, you do everything. Get me job,
get me place to live in your building.

- Come on.
- You very good man.

- Stop.
- You did everything for me.

I can never thank you enough
for everything you do.

You see, this is what I do
with women.

I start out too strong.

Now I have to become real.
That's when it all falls apart.

What good is real? They don't
want real. They want funny.

- No, they don't. No.
- Oh, yes, they do, Elaine.

Oh, you gotta put on a show. You
always gotta give them a big show.

You always have to be on.
Otherwise, why would they like me?

They'd just go for a better-looking
guy with more money.

You mean that's true? I'm right?

Okay, great. Well, I'm glad
everything worked out, Babu.

- Yes. Everything wonderful.
- I'll see you around the building.

I'll see you in the building.

- Remember Babu Bhatt?
- Who's he?

Remember that guy, opened
the restaurant across the street...

from the building last year
and he wasn't doing so well?

I told him he should make it
into all-Pakistani.

- It drove him right out of business.
- Right.

So you going with me
to the auto show Saturday?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Can you bring my mail then please?

- What mail?
- I picked up his mail...

while he was on the road.
- Why didn't Kramer pick it up?

Because he was at that baseball
fantasy camp in Florida.

Oh, yeah, right.
When's he coming back?

- Monday, I think.
- Kramer goes to a fantasy camp.

His whole life is a fantasy camp.

People should plunk down $2000
to live like him for a week.

Do nothing,
fall ass backwards in the money...

mooch food off your neighbors
and have sex without dating.

That's a fantasy camp.

Listen, if you're gonna go out
with this lawyer, have dinner with us...

then maybe you can go
to the auto show with her if you want.

Have a little company.
Take the pressure off.

He never heard of corduroy!

Stop it, you're killing me!

Never heard of corduroy.
True story. True story.

Funny.

- No. No, I don't... I don't think so.
- Why?

Well, I think I'm better off
going one-on-one.

I don't know why you wanna play
man-to-man when you could play zone.

She might not be comfortable.

Why? We're all very nice.
We're very friendly.

- We'll be funny.
- No. No.

It's not good. I don't think so.

All right. If you change your mind,
we'll wind up at Isabella's around 7.

No. No Isabella's.
I don't want to go to Isabella's.

- Why?
- No, it's too trendy. No Isabella's.

Excellent.

Like I really know
what I'm talking about.

Toasting makes me uncomfortable.

But toast I love.

Never start the day
without a good piece of toast.

In fact, let's toast to toast.

Look who's here. Georgie boy.

What are you doing here? I thought
you said you hated Isabella's.

No, I talked him into it.

What happened to the auto show?

Oh, we're still going. Still going.
Elaine, do the spokesmodel.

The turbo quadramatic transmission...

offers you the power and prestige
to propel you...

well into the 21 st century.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Cheryl, this is Elaine and Jerry.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Would you like to join us?
- No, no. They don't wanna join us.

- No, it's okay. Don't be silly.
- Okay.

Why don't we put
these tables together.

You can't do that. They're round.
It makes an eight, and it just...

Jerry. Jerry, tell them that
funny story you were telling me...

No. No.

No, George, it's so funny. We saw
this cab driver's picture, right?

You know, we should really order.

The service is so slow here.
By the time you get anything...

Oh, Cheryl, can I ask you
a legal question?

- I'm being sued.
- Oh, what happened?

Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin,
and I crossed against the light...

and I knocked over
the delivery boy.

Was he Chinese?

Yeah.

Is your..? Is your last name "Benes"?

- How did you know?
- Oh, God! Ping is my cousin.

No.

- That's so funny.
- I'm handling his case.

What?

- You're Cheryl Fong?
- That's right.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.

I can't believe it.
This is such a coincidence.

I know.

Wow. Well, I...

I guess you don't have any advice
for me on how to win the case.

Will you excuse me?
I have to make a call.

Tell Ping I said hello.

Tell him you think you may have
broken the case wide open.

I can't believe it.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

- What?
- This is not good. This is not good.

- What's the matter?
- I don't think it's a great idea...

- for you to sit here.
- Why not?

He thinks if you're too funny,
he might not look so funny.

Biff.

What?

- You're not worried about that?
- No, of course not.

I mean, so what if I'm funny.
Who cares?

He thinks that if a woman
sees a guy put on a better show...

she'll walk out on his show,
go see the other show.

Well, should we leave?

Well, maybe you don't have
to be so funny.

Would it kill you
not to be so funny all the time?

That's all I'm asking.

This woman thinks I'm very funny.

Now you're gonna be funny,
so, what am I gonna be?

I'll be a short, bald guy with glasses
who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.

This is so ridiculous.
Can we just go over there?

Look, I don't have to be funny.
I don't care.

- You don't?
- No way.

It's completely under my control.

No, it's not. You cannot not be funny.

Of course I can.
Am I being funny now?

A little.

Oh, this is funny? I'm being funny?

Yeah.

George, is this funny?

It's funny.

And it wouldn't kill you to not
be so funny either.

What? What did I do?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hello.

Welcome back.

I'm sorry. It was my aunt's birthday.

She makes such a big deal about it.

Well, nobody likes to get old, right?

Well, birthdays are merely symbolic
of how another year has gone by...

and how little we've grown.

No matter how desperate we are
that someday...

a better self will emerge, each flicker
of the candles on the cake...

we know it's not to be.

But for the rest of our sad,
wretched, pathetic lives...

this is who we are to the bitter end...

inevitably, irrevocably.

Happy birthday? No such thing.

Funny guy, huh?

Here, take it.
I was glad to get rid of it.

Well, thank you very much.
It's about time.

Oh, listen. So guess what.

Cheryl convinced Ping
to drop the case against me.

Drop the case?

Wow, congratulations.
That will save you some money.

Yeah. No kidding. That lawyer
was gonna charge me a fortune.

Oh, great. Birth announcement
from Arnie and Joy Harris.

Hear that? Guess who's back.

Thought you weren't
coming back till Monday.

Well, the camp ended
a few days early.

Why?

Well, there was an incident.

What happened?

I punched Mickey Mantle
in the mouth.

- What?
- Yeah, I punched him...

and they took him
to the hospital...

and then they canceled
the rest of the week.

You punched who in the mouth?

Mickey Mantle.

What happened?

Well, you know,
we were playing a game...

and I was pitching.
I was really throwing some smoke.

And Joe Pepitone, he was up...

and, man, that guy,
he was crowding the plate.

Wow, Joe Pepitone.

Well, Joe Pepitone or not,
I own the inside of that plate.

So, you know,
I throw one inside, you know.

A little chin music
right on his pants...

because I gotta intimidate,
you know, when I'm on the mound.

Well, the next pitch,
he's right back in the same place.

So I had to plunk him.

- You plunked him?
- Oh, yeah.

Well, he throws down his bat,
he comes racing up to the mound.

Next thing,
both benches are cleared, you know.

A brouhaha breaks out between
the guys in the camp, you know...

and the old Yankee players.

As I'm trying to get Moose Skowron
off of one of my teammates...

somebody pulls me from behind...

and I turned around
and I popped him.

I looked down and whoa, man!
It's Mickey.

I punched his lights out.

Wow, this is incredible.

Leave me alone!
You can't do this to me.

What's going on out there?

What are you doing?

This is not right, people. You're
making a very bad mistake. Very bad.

Babu. I'll be right back.

- Yeah, so...
- Hank Bauer, he's screaming:

"Mickey! What have you done
with Mickey! You killed Mickey!"

- So, what did you do?
- Well, I got the hell out of there.

They took Babu away.

They took Babu away?

Yeah, the immigration guy
said his visa was expired.

Poor Babu. Everything was going
so well for him.

He had an apartment, he had a job.

- What a shame.
- Jerry!

Help me!

I will, Babu!
I will help you, Babu! Don't worry!

Then Hank Bauer, you know,
he's chasing me around.

He trips over third base
and knocks over Clete Boyer.

What?

- Well, this is interesting.
- What is it?

It's a letter
from the Immigration Bureau.

It's Babu's
visa-renewal application form.

They must have put it
in my mailbox by mistake.

Well, doesn't he need that?

If you'd given me my mail last week,
this never would have happened.

Well, you should have come
to my house to pick it up.

- So am I being funny now?
- No, actually, you're not.

See, I told you I wasn't funny
all the time.

Hey, George, look,
I'm not funny now.

No, and you weren't funny last night.
You got us both so depressed...

she asked me to drive
her home after dinner.

I need to get in touch with Cheryl.

Babu needs a lawyer.
His visa's expired.

There's a million lawyers.

Yeah, but you said this is one
of the things that her firm does.

All right, but no funny business.
Same deal as last night.

- Will you stop it already.
- Jerry, please.

How long is this gonna go on?

Till I'm comfortable.

Well, when is that gonna be?

After consummation.

Consummation? I don't think
you have enough material.

I have a friend in the immigration
department who owes me a big favor.

You're very lucky.

That's wonderful news. Thank you.

You're a very serious person,
aren't you?

Well, with so many people
in the world deprived and unhappy...

it doesn't seem like it would
be fair to be cheerful.

I understand.

I think that's curdled.

I don't care.

Do you ever laugh?

Not really.
Sometimes when I'm in the tub.

That's so sad.

What do you do?

I'm a comedian.

Oh, let me get that.

You've been so helpful.

Hey, we're gonna go
see Babu now, right?

Yeah, I'll just pay for this.

I'm just gonna say hi to Cheryl.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Listen, gosh,
I wanted to thank you so much...

for convincing Ping
to drop the case.

After we met, you were all so nice,
I just couldn't go through with it.

But between you and me, you would
have paid through the nose.

- You're kidding.
- No, I'm not.

- Babu.
- Jerry! Jerry. Hello, Jerry,

- You remember Elaine.
- Yes, yes, of course.

- Nice to meet you.
- So nice of you both to come.

- Oh, Babu.
- No, you're both very kind. Very kind.

- Oh, well, you know, we try.
- We do what we can.

- We do what we can.
- See...

the problem is, I never got my
visa-renewal form in the mail.

- I was expecting it.
- Yes. See, here's the thing, Babu.

What happened was...

I was away for a couple of weeks
doing some comedy shows.

The comedy shows,
you're very funny man.

Well, Elaine, here, was picking up
my mail while I was away...

because that little box
can get very full.

Yes, of course.
TV Guide, magazines, everything.

I would have picked up your mail.

- Your box is right next to mine.
- I don't want to bother you.

No bother. You get me job. You get
me apartment, you very good man.

Well, yesterday,
after they took you away...

I looked in my mail,
and I noticed that the mailman...

accidentally put your
visa-renewal in my mailbox.

Come again?

See, I've been home for a week...

and Elaine didn't give me my mail
till yesterday...

even though
I asked her repeatedly for it.

Yeah, but, Babu, he could have come
to my house to pick it up.

You had my visa application?

- Well, not technically.
- I kill you!

- What about her?
- I kill both of you!

- Babu.
- No Babu.

No Babu. You're bad man.
You're very bad man.

You're very lazy, bad man.

Babu, I'm gonna fix everything.

I have a lawyer who knows someone
in the immigration department.

They'll straighten the whole thing out.
The wheels are in motion.

Things are happening
as we speak.

- The wheels are in motion?
- The wheels are in motion.

Things are happening.

Jerry?

I'm very attracted to him.

You think the person
you were talking to was him?

That's not even close to him.
He's funny. Jerry's funny.

- He's never said anything funny.
- He can't not be funny.

No, no. He's dark and disturbed.

Dark and disturbed?

His whole life revolves around
Superman and cereal.

What kind of a friend are you?

I convinced him to act like that so
that you would think I was funnier.

That's how disturbed I am.

You want disturbed?
That's disturbed.

I mean, you can't find sickness
like that anywhere.

You think sickness like that
grows on trees?

Nobody is sicker than me. Nobody.

He's pretending.
I am the genuine article.

You're telling me Jerry's whole thing
was an act?

And I put him up to it,
because I'm sick.

I'm the one that needs help.

I gotta go.

Well, should I call you later?

Please don't.

But... But I'm disturbed.
I'm depressed.

I'm inadequate. I got it all!

So, what's up with Babu?
How come he's not back?

I don't know. I don't understand it.

Cheryl was supposed to take care
of it. He should be back by now.

- Yeah?
- George.

- Come on up.
- Babu.

- Babu, what happened to you?
- Babu must be back.

- Well, where's Babu?
- He is in Pakistan!

- Who are you?
- I am his brother.

He knew a lawyer.
It was all going to be fixed.

I'm sure the lawyer
did everything they could.

Then where is Babu?
What happened to Babu?

Show me Babu!

- Snapple?
- No.

Too fruity.

Hey, what happened?

I thought Cheryl
was gonna help Babu get his visa.

- She didn't help him?
- No.

- Where is he?
- He's in Pakistan.

Oh, boy

What do you mean, "Oh, boy"?

Well, last night she told me
that she liked you.

Not you, the disturbed you.

So I had to tell her the truth.

You told her the truth?
Well, you got Babu deported!

What do you mean I "got"? You didn't
give him his visa application.

That's because she had my mail.

Well, I wouldn't have to get your mail
if he didn't go to that fantasy camp.

Well, I just came back
from Mickey Mantle's restaurant.

How could you go in there?

Well, I had to. I had to apologize.

I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle,
my idol.

It was eating me up inside!

Well, what happened?

I got down on my knees, and I went,
"Go ahead, Mickey, hit me.

I'm begging you, Mickey.
Please, hit me. Come on, hit me.

I love you, Mickey. I love you."

So, what did he do?

Well, the four of them, they picked
me up by my pants...

and they threw me outside,
right into a horse.

- Kramer.
- Hey!

Yeah. It's my Chinese food.

Oh, Ping. Hi.

Listen, thank you so much
for dropping that lawsuit against me.

- Not anymore.
- What?

Cheryl call me last night.
Lawsuit back on.

Why?

She call you
and your friends big liars.

You think she nice girl?

Wait till you see her in court.
She's a shark!

They call her "The Terminator."

She never lose a case,
and now you make her mad.

She doubled the damages.

Hasta la vista, baby.

So his friend had the mail,
but she did not give it to him.

And then he came to visit me...

said a lawyer would call and help.
He said the wheels were in motion.

But there was no motion.
There was nothing.

And so they sent me back here.

This is a terrible story, Babu.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to save up every rupee...

for someday...

I will get back to America,
and when I do...

I will exact vengeance
on this man.

I cannot forget him.

He haunts me.

He's a very bad man.
He's a very, very bad man.

I am for open immigration...

but that sign we have
on the Statue of Liberty:

"Give us your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses."

Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's
open, we'll take whoever you got."

Do we have to specify
the "wretched refuse"?

I mean, why don't we just say:

"Give us the unhappy, the sad,
the slow, the ugly...

people that can't drive,
that they have trouble merging...

if they can't stay in their lane,
don't signal, can't parallel park...

if they're sneezing, if they're
stuffed up, if they're clogged...

if they have bad penmanship, don't
return calls, if they have dandruff...

food between their teeth, if they have
bad credit, if they have no credit...

missed a spot shaving."
In other words...

any dysfunctional, defective slob...

that you can somehow cattle prod
onto a wagon...

send them over, we want them.