Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 14 - The Movie - full transcript

Jerry does a set at a comedy club, then goes to meet George, Elaine, and Kramer afterward to see a screening of Checkmate. However, a simple miscommunication causes the four to keep missing each other at two different theaters.

What is with the age-gap hiring
policy at most movie theaters?

They never hire anyone
between the ages of 15 and 80.

Know what I mean? The girl
that sells you the tickets, she's 10.

Then there's the guy that rips it,
he's 102.

What happened in the middle?
Couldn't find anybody?

It's like they want to show you
how life comes full circle.

You're 15. You're selling tickets.
Then you leave.

You go out, you have a family, kids,
marriage, career, grandchildren.

Eighty years later, you're back
at the same theater...

3 feet away, ripping tickets.

Took you 80 years
to move 3 feet.

The show's delayed? Why?

I don't know. Diane told me
to hold it for 15 minutes.

But I got this all timed out.

I got another spot across town at 9:50.
I'm not gonna make it.

- I hear you, guy.
- And I'm doing Letterman Monday.

You know, I gotta work out
the material.

Let me see what I can do.

Oh, no, Buckles? You're not putting
him on tonight, are you?

No. He hangs around in case
somebody drops out.

Look, why don't you come back
and do the 11:00 spot.

I was supposed to meet my friends
to see this movie Checkmate at 10:30.

All right, forget the movie.
I'll do the 11:00 spot. I'll be back.

- Hey, Jer.
- Hey.

Excuse me. Do you have a ticket?

- No.
- Okay. Good.

You missed your spot. It was 9:15.

But, Maurice, I'm positive
you told me 9:50.

In any event, I had no alternative
but to reassign your spot...

to one of your peers who possesses
a clearer understanding...

of our scheduling policies.

- Jerry!
- What are you doing here?

Hey, do you think this is funny?

Why do they call it "athlete's foot"?

You don't have to be
an athlete to get it.

I mean, my father gets it all the time
and, believe me, he's no athlete.

- I gotta go.
- Wait. Where?

- The movies.
- I thought you told Kernis...

you were going back
to do the 11:00.

I'm just gonna stop by
and tell my friends I can't make it.

- Cool. I'll split a cab with you.
- I could be a while over there.

I got time. It'll give us a chance to
get to know each other a little better.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Where is everybody?
- Everybody's late.

Because they know
I'll get in line early.

I've been dying to see Checkmate.

Well, if it's as good as
Ponce de Le?n, I'll be happy.

Ponce de Le?n? Are you kidding me?
I hated that movie.

Ponce de Le?n?
But that was great.

Oh, come on.

That fountain of youth scene
at the end...

where they're splashing around...

and they go running over to the
mirror to see if it really worked.

I mean, come on.

It's so stupid.

Let me tell you something:

When Ponce looked in that mirror
and saw that he hadn't changed...

and that tear started to roll
down his cheek, I lost it.

- Oh, there you are.
- Where have you been?

Around the corner
at the Paradise Twin.

- Well, I told you the Paragon.
- No, you said Paradise.

- It's playing there too, you know.
- No. I would not have said Paradise.

That's a twin theater. I want to see
this movie on a big screen.

I'm gonna get a hot dog
at Papaya King.

- You'll never make it back in time.
- I haven't had any dinner.

You can get a hot dog
at the theater.

I don't want a movie dog.
I want a Papaya King hot dog.

Kramer, Jerry is gonna
be here any second.

Then this line's gonna start moving,
and we'll end up in the front row.

- Just save me a seat.
- No, I don't wanna save seats.

Don't put me through that.

I once had the fleece ripped out
of my winter coat...

in a seat-saving incident.

- Give me my ticket, then.
- Well, I don't have them yet.

You don't have them yet?

Well, I'm in line to buy.

No, George,
this is a ticket-holders' line.

No, it's not.
It's the ticket-buyers' line.

- Then how come we're not moving?
- Good question.

Is this the ticket-holders' line
or the buyers'?


When I asked you before
if you had a ticket, you said no.

I didn't. My friend was getting it.

That's good.
It's good to be accurate.

Stay here. I'll go get tickets.

- Can you believe him?
- He spaced out.

And how long would you have stood
in the ticket-holders' line?

Yeah, exactly.

It's sold out.

Oh, real good, George.
Real good.

Hey, I asked the guy
if he had a ticket.

- All right, what time is it?
- Twenty after 10.

They got one at the
Paradise at 10:45.

No, I don't wanna go to
a miniplex multi-theater.

It's the same movie.
What's the difference?

No, it's not a theater.

It's a room where they bring in POWs
to show them propaganda films.

All right, I'm going.

It's in Dolby.

Well, what about Jerry?

You go get the tickets.
I'll wait for him.

- Terrific. All right, come on.
- All right.

So then, when I was 12,
the whole family moved...

from Bensonhurst
to Sheepshead Bay.

We were right on the water.

The whole atmosphere
stunk from fish.

You know that fishy smell
I'm talking about?

Yeah, yeah. The fishy smell.

To this day I won't eat fish.

- Do you eat fish?
- Yes! Yes, I eat fish!

- I don't know how you eat that crap.
- Take the Park.

No, no, take 55th.

No, there's beautiful homes there.

There's lovely, talented,
attractive people.

You'll thank me.

Jerry, I want you to do me a favor:

No more fish.

Okay. I get your point.

I have a point?

- Got them.
- Beautiful.

Hey, you know what else
is playing here?

Rochelle Rochelle.

- I wouldn't mind seeing that.
- Yeah.

Men can sit through the most
pointless, boring movie...

if there's the slightest possibility
that a woman will take her top off.

So, what's your point?

By the way, you owe me $7.50.

- All right. Can you break a 20?
- No. I don't have any change.

Well, then I'll pay you later.

Or I could take the 20,
and I could pay you later.

Yeah, you could.

Might be easier.

Well, how's that easier? I mean,
then you would owe me $12.50...

instead of me owing you $7.50.

- Either way.
- Yeah, it's the same thing.

So can I have it?

I tell you what, I'll get
the popcorn and the soda.

What do you mean,
you'll get the popcorn and the soda?

I will buy your popcorn and soda,
and we'll call it even.

Tell you what. Give me the 20,
I'll buy you a popcorn and soda...

and I'll throw in a bonbons.
- George, you're sapping my strength.

Come on. Go.

What about Kramer and Jerry?

I'll wait here for them.
You go save seats.

Me? But that's three seats.
I can't save three seats.

I told you about that guy
who tore up my coat.

- Save them, go.
- No, but George...

Fifty-Fifth Street. Great idea.

Saturday night, theater traffic.
Good move.

I wonder how Ike Turner
would react in traffic.

"You better move that car, girl,
before I bust you up."

And what about Jose Feliciano?

"It's not bad enough that I can't see,
I have to sit here for two hours.

I don't think so."

It can be anybody.

People down through history
reacting in traffic.

Franklin Roosevelt:

- "Driver..."
- All right, all right. I got the bit.

Jerry, I want you to have
this piece of material.

That's nice of you.
I can't do the voices.

Jerry, don't start up with me.

I gotta get out of this cab.

But, Jerry, we're riffing.

No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring.
Do you understand the difference?

Can you help me
get on The Tonight Show?

No, these are saved.

- All of them?
- Yeah.

- You can't take four seats.
- What, is that a rule?

- Are these your things?
- Yeah.

Elaine, I can't wait anymore.
I'm gonna miss the beginning.

Well, we'll take these seats.
Would you please remove your stuff?

- No, no, they'll be here.
- But I am here. They are not.

They're coming. George, listen,
run over to the Paragon...

and give Kramer the two tickets
so they can come in.

These are taken. Taken.

If you hurry back,
you won't miss the beginning.

You go, and I could save the seats.
You don't like saving anyway.

No, taken! Taken, taken.
I'm getting the hang of it.

Why don't you give me the 20,
I'll stop and get change...

and then you and I can,
you know, settle up.

Can we do this later, George?

What's the point
of discussing it anymore.

You'll give me the money
when you have it.

I trust you.

Will you do me a favor?

You see a guy who's
about 5 foot 11...

he's got a big head
and flared nostrils...

tell him his friend's gonna be
right back, okay?

No, I'm sorry. These are taken.

They're in the lobby buying popcorn.

What are you doing?
These are taken!

- Which one?
- These two and this one.

No, don't come over here!
These are taken.

Go! Go! These are taken.

They're taken! They're taken!

Oh, take them.

Excuse me, have you
seen a guy with, like...

a horse face, big teeth
and a pointed nose?

- Flared nostrils?
- Yeah.

Nope. Haven't seen him.

Jerry, could you do me
a personal favor?

And if I'm out of line,
please let me know.

Could I keep my trench coat
in your closet for a few months?

Your trench coat in my closet?

Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills.

I'm afraid to open the door.

Just for a few months.

It'll make all the difference
in the world.

I can't keep your coat in my closet.

- I'm sorry you feel that way.
- Well, that's how I feel.

Hey, your friends aren't here.

They must be inside. I'm gonna run in
and tell them I can't make the movie.

We should go see Rochelle Rochelle.
I hear it's really hot.

- No, thanks. Maybe some other time.
- Really? Do you mean that?

No, I don't.

But you like the athlete's-foot bit,

No. No. I was kidding.
It was terrible.

Here you go. I'll see you later.

- Do you want me to wait for you?
- No. Don't wait.

Jerry, I'll wait just to make sure
you get in, that's all.

I got friends inside
I need to get a message to.

You mind if I walk through
real quick?

Go ahead.


Hey, did that guy show up?

The guy with the horse face
and the big teeth?

No, the guy with the big head
and the flared nostrils.

Haven't seen him.

There was a short guy with glasses...

looked like Humpty-Dumpty
with a melon head.

But he left.

So I got home,
and he was vacuuming.

I mean, he's 12 years old.

Who else but my Alan
would do something like that?

And then last night,
he put on my high heels.

He put on such a show for us.

He was dancing around,
lip-synching to A Chorus Line.

I mean, you can see
he's got talent.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

What's the problem?

You're talking.

It's the coming attractions.

So anyway, he sings, he dances.

And you know what
he's gotten into now?

He is cooking. He does a great...

Ticket, sir?

I just went out.
I went to look for my friend.

Do you have your stub?

My stub?

Who keeps the stub?

No one holds on to the stub.

I'm going to the movies for 25 years,
nobody ever asked me for the stub.

- You don't remember me?
- It's a big city, sir.

I went in with a pretty woman.

You know, short, big wall of hair,
face like a frying pan.


- I can't find it.
- I can't let you in without your stub.

All right. Here. It's my friend's ticket.


- Elaine?
- Sit down!

- Elaine?
- Hey, shut up!

I'm looking for my friend.

Check the bathroom.
You're bothering us.

I know my friend's here.
What do you want me to do?

You can shut up!

- Elaine?
- Shut up!



The Village Voice calls it
a masterpiece.

A young woman's strange, erotic
journey from Milan to Minsk.

It's a story about life and love
and becoming a woman.

Rochelle Rochelle.

Now playing at the Paradise Two.

Thank you.

Can I have a medium Diet Coke?

- You want the medium or middle size?
- What's the difference?

Well, we have three sizes:
medium, large and jumbo.

What happened to the small?

There is no small. Small's medium.

So, what's medium?

Medium's large,
and large is jumbo.

- Okay, give me the large.
- That's medium.

Right. Yeah.
Can I have a small popcorn?

There is no small.
Child-size is small.

- What's medium?
- Adult.

- Do adults ever order the child-size?
- Not usually.

- Okay, give me the adult.
- Do you want butter?

- Is it real butter?
- It's butter flavoring.

Yeah, well, what is it made of?

It's yellow.

Thanks. Thank you. You don't know
how long I've been waiting out there.

Very busy tonight. Very busy.
Where you go?

Forty-Fourth and 9th.

- Have you got a cigarette?
- No.

Ticket, sir?

We've just been through this.

You don't remember? We just had
this exact conversation a minute ago.

I need to see your stub.

I got the stub. I got the stub.

I put it right in my pocket.
I got the...

I'm telling you, I got the stub.
I just...

- I don't know where it is.
- I can't let you in without your stub.

You just let me in.
We just did this a minute ago!

All right. Okay. There.
There you go, okay?

That's my other friend's ticket.
Happy now?

You got two tickets.
Two of my friends.

Ticket, sir?

No, see, my friend bought me a ticket.
See, I'm late. She's already inside.

- Go ahead. Enjoy the movie.
- Thanks.

- What is it, Your Majesty?
- Anyone asks...

- Is that seat taken?
- It's all yours.

When I tell you something,
you damn better well listen.

- I'm getting tired of these questions.
- Yes, Your Majesty.

I'm sorry, Grendel, I...
I've been very taxed lately.

Yeah, I'm very sorry.
You give me a few minutes.

I have to stop for gasoline.

Gasoline? Can't you get it
after you drop me off?

No. Impossible.
It is on empty. See.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

What happened to my seat?

Oh, my God, where was I?

- Hey, sit down. I can't see.
- Get out of the way.

I can't find my seat.

- Just move!
- No, you move!

Get the hell out of here!

Come, come, you're soaking wet.
Come in.

My name is Rochelle.
I'm from Milan.

I'm supposed to visit
my relatives in Minsk.

Yes. Come by the fire.

Take off those wet clothes.
You'll catch cold.

My hands are so cold,
I can barely get these buttons open.

That's much better.
Much, much better.

Listen, I just went
to go get popcorn and...

God. I just went to go
get popcorn, okay...

and somebody took my seat,
and my coat is in there.

There's a seat in the front row.

No, no, I can't sit in the front row.

You're gonna have to wait then.

I can't stand around here
for two hours.

I can let you see
Rochelle Rochelle.


Hey, listen, by the way...

have you seen
a tall, lanky doofus...

with a bird face and hair like
the Bride of Frankenstein?

Haven't seen him.


Let's go. I'm gonna miss my spot.

Yes, yes, we go. We go.

One minute. I run across
the street for cigarettes.

I don't have time.
I'm gonna miss my spot.

No, no. We go very soon.

I didn't know you enjoyed chess,
Your Majesty.

Why wouldn't I?

Well, because the king
is always in jeopardy.

Yes, but it's only a game.

Yes, of course. Only a game.

- Hey, did I make it?
- Sorry.

Great. That's great. What a night.

Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen.

Another round of applause
for Pat Buckles.

Good set.

You got my spot?

- That athlete's-foot bit killed.
- Really?

- You think I need to lose some weight?
- Weight? No.

You just need some height.

Jerry, don't start up with me.
What are you doing now?

What am I doing?
My whole night's ruined.

I didn't do any sets.
I didn't go to the movies.

Come on. We can still catch
most of Rochelle Rochelle.

Rochelle Rochelle?

A young girl's strange, erotic
journey from Milan to Minsk.


My father was a shoemaker.

He worked hard,
and we didn't have much money.

Rochelle, Rochelle,
what are we going to do with you?

- I'm going away tomorrow.
- Where? Where are you going?

I want to go with you.
Take me with you.

Well, don't be a silly goose.

But I've never seen Minsk. I hear
there's so much hustle and bustle.

You're being absurd.
Leave me alone.

- Rochelle, Rochelle, do you know..?
- Give me a break!


- Jerry.
- Elaine.

- Shut up.
- Jerry?

- George?
- Elaine?


- But where's Kramer?
- Will you shut up?

I don't know.
Does this movie stink or what?

Let's get out of here. I'll see you.

- You're leaving?
- Yeah.

Jerry, take the coat.
Please. One month.

I don't want the coat.

Jerry, call me when you get home,
so I know you're okay.

- What happened to you?
- I missed you at the other theater.

Then I missed my set,
and I had nothing to do.

Man. Look at this.

I sat in gum.

What happened to Checkmate?

Oh, I went out to get popcorn,
and some creep took my seat.

Hey, by the way,
you owe me $7.50.

- But I didn't even use the ticket.
- I still paid for it.

- I only have a 20.
- Hi.

- Hey!
- What happened to you?

That's my coat. Give me that.
Where did you get that?

It was on the seat.

You took my seat?

- You owe me $7.50.
- Yeah. Right.

What is this stain?

It's yellow mustard.
Can you break a 20?

But I always get confused
in the movie theater by the plot.

It's embarrassing to have to admit,
but I'm the one you see...

in the parking lot, after the movie,
talking with his friends, going:

"You mean, that was the same guy
from the beginning?"

Nobody will explain it to you.
In the theater, you can't find out.

Why did they kill that guy?

Why did they kill him?

Who was that guy?
Who was that guy?

I thought he was with them.
Wasn't he with them?

Why would they kill him
if he was with them?

Oh, he wasn't really with them.

I thought he was with them.

It's a good thing they killed him.