Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Shoes - full transcript

The basic problem with the
beginning of the relationship...

I think is that each person has
their own sexual timetable...

of what should happen when, that
the other person knows nothing about.

That's why I think we need
some sort of sexual rule book...

where it's written down
and agreed upon...

sexual standard dating procedure.

Know what I mean? So if there's
any problems, you can go:

"Look, honey, I'm sorry,
but we've been out three times...

and according to Article 7,
Section 5...

there's got to be some physical
contact, as you can see right there.

Otherwise,
I will report you to the board...



and they can issue a warrant
for an embrace."

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Then the butler says,
"I'm not cleaning it up.

- I'm sick of cleaning!"
- That's funny. That's funny.

"I'm sick of cleaning."
That's very funny.

I've never seen a pilot script
this funny.

- Yeah, it's funny.
- How funny is this?

- It's funny.
- I mean, we're not stupid, right?

- We know when something's funny.
- It cannot not be funny.

Come on, let's stay with it.
We gotta finish this today.

Maybe I should give it
to my therapist to read.

- She's smart. I trust her.
- Maybe I'll give it to Elaine.

We haven't brought the Elaine
character into the show yet.

We should get her into this scene.



Right. Right. Okay.

"Elaine enters."

Right.

What does she say?

- I don't know. What do women say?
- I don't know.

I don't even know what they think.
That's why I'm in therapy.

If we bring Elaine in, it'll be
so many people to keep track of.

It's too hard. I forget where
everybody is standing.

You, me, Kramer, the butler.
It's too much.

- All right, forget Elaine.
- All right.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You are never gonna believe
who I just ran into today.

- Who?
- Your old flame: Gail Cunningham.

Did you talk to her?

Well, I was on my way to the Y,
and I saw her coming towards me.

I didn't know what to do.

I remember you had
three dates with her...

and she wouldn't
kiss you good night.

So now I'm thinking,
"What is my duty to my friend?

Do I acknowledge her?
Do I ignore her?"

- I mean, what is my responsibility?
- So, what happened?

You know, she sees me
and she goes, "Hi, Kramer!"

Like nothing happened.

Like she never went three dates
with you and refused to kiss you.

- Yeah, I know about the three dates.
- You know what I did? I snubbed her.

- What do you mean you snubbed her?
- I walked by her, never said a word.

- Right by her?
- Right by her.

What do you say about a guy
like this, huh?

You are some great friend. I'll tell you.
Snubbed her. Not that I condone it.

I've never condoned snubbing
in my administration.

But your loyalty is beyond question.

Well, you know, she's lucky I was
in a good mood.

Could have been a lot worse.

- I'm not even in here.
- Yeah, I know.

I thought there was gonna be
a character named "Elaine Benes."

There were too many people
in the room.

We couldn't keep track
of everybody:

George and the butler...

You "couldn't keep track
of everybody"?

Well, we tried. We couldn't.
We didn't know how to...

We couldn't write for a woman.
We didn't know what you would say.

Even right now,
I know you're gonna say something.

I have no idea what it is.

You have no idea?

Something derogatory?

- I thought I'd find you here.
- Well, Gail Cunningham.

- Hi, Gail.
- Hi, Elaine.

- What is with your friend, Kramer?
- Why?

He snubbed me.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

- What did you tell him?
- Nothing. Hey, give me that.

- I thought you finished.
- I took two bites. How am I finished?

Plus, you're coming down with
something. You want me to get sick?

Bite?

I wanna know.
Why did Kramer do that?

I don't know. Once he leaves the
building, he's out of my jurisdiction.

- Tell him that I am mad at him.
- All right. So where you cooking now?

- Pfieffer's.
- Oh, the power-lunch crowd.

Nice shoes.

- Thank you.
- Where did you get them?

They're Botticelli's.

Botticelli's. Look at you.
I'm afraid to go in there.

Really?

- Would you care to join us?
- No, no. I gotta get to the restaurant.

- See you.
- See you.

"Look at you with your Botticelli's."

- That bothered you?
- Yes, it bothered me.

So I bought a pair of shoes
at Botticelli's.

I'm not allowed to shop there?

That really embarrassed me.

- It did?
- Yes. Couldn't you see that?

No.

This is why you're not in the pilot.

Well, George, I think you're beginning
to get some perspective on things.

I think we're making progress.

- Yeah, I feel like I've grown.
- Good. Let's pick up on this next week.

Great.

By the way, did you get a chance
to read the script?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Well, what did you think?

It was...

good.

You didn't like it?

Well, no...

I can't believe this. What was wrong
with it? What didn't you like about it?

It wasn't funny.

It wasn't funny?
What, are you kidding?

No. I didn't find it funny.

You didn't find it funny?
This is what I'm paying for?

Well, that whole story line about a guy
who gets into a car accident...

doesn't have insurance, so the judge
sentences him to be a butler?

I didn't really buy that.

Let me tell you who did buy it.
We pitched this story...

to Russell Dalrymple, the president
of NBC, and he ate it up with a spoon.

If you're going to be
in a creative field...

you're gonna have to learn how
to deal with criticism.

How's this for criticism?

You stink.
How do you like that criticism?

You know what's funny to me?
That diploma up on the wall.

That is my idea of comedy.

You sitting here,
telling people what to do.

- I think you'd better go.
- I'm going baby. I'm going!

It's Jerry's fault.

He took out all my good lines.
He's such a control freak.

So you send me to this therapist to
help me with my emotional disorders...

and she criticizes our script.

What kind of a therapist is that?

Well, I guess she didn't
think it was funny.

Oh, she didn't think it was funny.
What is she, Rowan and Martin?

We're supposed to meet
with NBC tomorrow.

She completely shattered
my confidence.

And I'm paying for this.
She's my employee.

- I thought your mother's paying for it.
- And she slaves to earn every penny...

so that someday I might be able
to walk up to a woman and say:

"Yes, I'm bald,
but I'm still a good person."

He's right. It's not her place
to criticize the script.

Which reminds me. What did you
think of it? You never told me

- What did I think of it?
- Yeah.

Hey, buddy,
I got something to tell you.

Now, one second. You won't get off
that easy. Tell me what you thought.

- Well, you know...
- I just kissed Gail Cunningham.

- You what?
- Yeah, I kissed her.

- You kissed her?
- Right on the mouth.

What kind of great friend are you?

How do you go
from snubbing to kissing?

I saw her outside the Y. She came up
to me, she started yelling...

because I snubbed her.
Then we started talking a little bit...

and I walked her to her building.
And just before I left...

I put my arm around her waist.
I pulled her to me...

and I planted one.

- What did she do?
- She kissed me back.

I don't get this. I go out with this girl
three times, she won't shake my hand.

Why is she kissing you?

Because I snubbed her.
You see? Women, they like that.

Yes, I understand women.

The snub is good.
They love the snub.

No they don't. I tried that once.

I snubbed for a year. Nothing.

Every woman I saw, I snubbed.
You never saw people so pleased.

So I understand you're buying
new shoes now at Botticelli's.

What? Who told you that?

Gail Cunningham.

I don't understand. Why is this woman
talking about my shoes?

Why are my shoes a topic
of conversation?

We were just talking,
and she mentioned...

how you're buying your
shoes now at Botticelli's.

How I'm buying my shoes now
at Botticelli's.

Did you hear this?

So what?

So what? She is talking about my
shoes. She is discussing my shoes.

It is nobody's business where
I buy my shoes.

- Hey, Gail?
- Yeah.

Elaine.

- Why are you talking about my shoes?
- What?

My Botticelli shoes. You've been
talking about my Botticelli shoes.

What are you talking about?

Did you or did you not tell Kramer
that I got my shoes at Botticelli's?

Too spicy. He wants another one.

- You got that pasta primavera?
- Elaine, I am very busy here.

Who else have you mentioned
my shoes to?

I want to know why my footwear
is your conversation?

I am not discussing this.
This is insane.

You got that pasta primavera?
Let's go!

Here you are, Mr. Dalrymple.

Sorry for the delay.
Enjoy your lunch.

- Well, come in. Come in.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sorry to make you come up here...

but I wasn't feeling well
enough to go back to the office.

Well, it's the only chance I have
to meet with you this week.

- Are you all right?
- It's my stomach.

There must have been something in
the pasta primavera I had for lunch.

- Where did you eat?
- Pfeiffer's.

- I know the chef there.
- Food is usually terrific.

My cousin worked for Bouchard's.

They used to use the bouillabaise
for a toilet.

What are you saying?

Well, you didn't hear it from me,
but needless to say...

if you go in there,
stick with the consomm?.

We better get started.
My daughter's gonna be here soon.

Oh, you have a daughter.

- She just turned 15 last week.
- That's a fun age.

Yeah.

All right.

The script. Now, I've read
this thing three times.

Yeah?

And every time I read it...

What?

- Excuse me for a second.
- What?

Would you like a Pepto-Bismol?
I keep them in my wallet.

You think he liked it?

I'm not sure.

- What was that dish he said...
- Pasta primavera.

You know,
"primavera" is Italian for "spring."

- No?
- Yeah.

Really, I'm terribly sorry. It's just...

all of a sudden, it just hit me.

So you were saying,
about the script.

Right. The script.

Your script needs...

It needs...

- More jokes?
- Another ending?

A different name for the butler?

Maybe we should go.

We haven't heard his notes yet.

We don't know how he feels
about our work.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I can't listen to anymore of this.
The guy's losing a lung in there.

Hello.

- Hi.
- I'm Molly.

- I'm Jerry.
- George.

We're discussing our script
with your father.

He just read it.

- Daddy, are you okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, sweetie, I'm fine.

- So you live with your mother?
- Yeah.

Divorce is very difficult,
especially on the kid

Of course, I'm the result of my parents
having stayed together.

So you never know.

Crapshoot.

Dad, you all right?
What's the matter?

- It's just a stomach thing.
- Yuck.

We're gonna have to do this
some other time.

So if you give me your number,
I'll call you later.

Suddenly I'm in the mood
for pasta primavera myself.

Get a good look, Costanza?

- What were you doing?
- It's not my fault. You poked me.

You're supposed to just
take a peek after a poke.

You were like you just put a quarter
in one of those metal things...

on top
of the Empire State Building

It was cleavage.
I couldn't look away.

What, am I waiting to win an Oscar
here? This is all I have in my life.

Looking at cleavage is like looking
at the sun. You don't stare at it.

It's too risky.

- You get a sense of it, then look away.
- All right.

He caught me in a cleavage peek.
So big deal.

Who wouldn't look at cleavage?
She's got nice cleavage.

- That's why I poked.
- Why I peeked.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- What is with your friend Elaine?
- What?

She comes to my restaurant,
comes right in my kitchen...

starts complaining
that I'm talking about her shoes.

- She did?
- Right in the kitchen. Disgraceful.

I don't like people coming
into my kitchen.

I think she sneezed all
over someone's pasta primavera.

Someone might have gotten sick
because of her.

- Pasta primavera?
- Is that what she said?

Hey, she's something, huh? She's
a wild one. She's wearing me out.

- She is?
- She's real sensual.

You know, with the cooking and all.

Hello?

Hi, Stu.

- From NBC?
- Yeah.

What's going on?

What? Really?

Oh, my God.

Did he give you a reason?

Oh, boy.

Okay. All right. Thanks.

Dalrymple just canceled the pilot.

If you hadn't gone there,
this wouldn't have happened.

I don't like people talking about
my shoes behind my back, okay?

My shoes are my business.

You two shouldn't have been looking
at some 15-year-old's cleavage.

- He poked me!
- There was cleavage in the area.

That's a reflex.
Cleavage, poke. Cleavage, poke.

But she was 15.

You don't consider age
in the face of cleavage.

This occurs on a molecular level.
You can't control it.

We're like some kind of weird fish...

where the eyes operate
independently of the head.

What's the difference?
What are we gonna do now?

He won't take our calls.
We can't get into his office.

You know what we could do?
He eats at Pfeiffer's.

We can have Gail call us when he's
there, go there and talk to him.

- You're on to something.
- The whole thing is so stupid.

Like he wouldn't do the same thing
if Elaine walked by in a low-cut dress.

- Well, maybe not Elaine, but...
- No.

- Somebody like Gail, though.
- Yeah.

What? What do you mean Gail?

What?

Hey, Kramer, listen,
I want you to ask Gail to do me a favor.

The next time Russell Dalrymple
comes in the restaurant...

ask her if she would call me.
- All right, I'll call her right now.

What do you mean Gail?

You don't think I can attract attention,
put asses in the seats?

Look, sweetheart,
you know you've got it all.

But let's face it...

- She said she'll do it.
- All right.

- Great. Beautiful.
- Beautiful.

But she wants the shoes.

- What?
- She says she wants those shoes.

She wants my shoes?

What kind of person is this?

- She is not getting them.
- Come on, I'll buy you another pair.

No, these were the last pair
of these that they had.

- I'll get you another just like it.
- But these were the only cool ones.

Don't you see how everybody likes
them and everybody talks about them?

Elaine...

this pilot, it doesn't matter to me.
It's not me I'm concerned about...

it's my mother. She's already been
in the hospital this year.

- Yeah, because she caught you...
- Never mind!

Oh, come on. Wait a second.
This whole thing is ridiculous.

How do I even know she wears
the same size?

- All right, what size are you?
- Seven and a half.

Bingo.

Sauce this.

Yeah, he's here.

Oh, and one more thing,
bring the shoes.

Hey, will you look!

Fancy meeting you here.

Hello.

Pasta primavera. Back on the horse.

It's funny, after the pilot got canceled,
we hadn't heard from you.

- We didn't hear anything.
- We were wondering what happened.

Well, it just didn't seem to be
the right project for us right now.

So, what were you saying?

The show. Because if it had anything
at all to do...

with what you perceived as me...

leering at your daughter,
I really have to take issue with that.

- I did not leer. Did I leer?
- No leer.

Excuse me.

- Are you using that ketchup?
- No.

Because if I'm looking...

straight ahead and something
enters my field of vision...

that's merely a happenstance.

Look, under the circumstances...

I don't really feel that we should be
in business together.

Here's your ketchup back.

You know, I had the hardest time
trying to get some out. I just kept...

pounding and pounding
on the bottom of it.

- Do you ever have any trouble?
- No.

Do you have a ketchup secret?

No...

Don't have a ketchup secret.

Because if you do have
a ketchup secret...

I would really, really like to know
what it is.

Field of vision, huh?

How's everything?

- Really good.
- This pasta primavera is fabulous.

- Very tasty.
- How did it go with that NBC guy?

Great. Pilot is back on.

In fact, Elaine's going out
with him tomorrow night.

Hey, listen, Elaine...

if Russell mentions anything
about the pilot...

you'll, of course,
tell him how much you liked it.

You know I happen to have the script
right here with me...

and on page three, for example...

suppose the Elaine character
comes in wearing...

a low-cut dress...

and the butler is very distracted
and can't work.

That kind of comedy,
that's a little broad for us.

I'm sure it's right up Russell's alley.

- Well, it's a funny idea.
- It's funny.

- Come on, funny is funny.
- Funny's funny.

We're here to entertain, right?

All right.

Well, maybe I'll mention it
to Russell tomorrow night.

- If you can.
- Yeah.

- Where is he taking you, by the way?
- Bouchard's, on 53rd.

I think what he's trying to say is,
"Get the bouillabaise."

Men are obsessed with cleavage,
women are obsessed with shoes.

It's the same for both sexes.
It doesn't matter...

how many times
we've seen these things.

Every time these objects
are presented to us...

we have to look.
We cannot not look.

To men,
cleavage is like the nearest thing...

to a nearby UFO landing.
That's what it is.

Women, if women buy a pair
of shoes that they really love...

this is like boarding the alien ship.

It's possible that aliens
have landed...

and they haven't been able
to get our attention...

because we're so preoccupied
with cleavage and shoes.