Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 10 - The Virgin - full transcript

There's no easy way to break
off any relationship.

I think when you first start dating,
they ought to give you three...

"Get out of Relationship Free"
cards.

You know what I mean? So you
could just go up to the person...

and go, "Here you go. I'm sorry.

I'll grab the tennis racket.
Don't even bother to get up.

Have a good one. Sorry."

Which is fine, unless the person
you're in the relationship with...

has a "Eight More Months of Guilt,
Torture and Pain" card.

"Hold it. I got a little something
for you."

- We're dead.
- We're not dead.



- We are dead.
- Come on.

We got all day tomorrow
to think of a story.

All day tomorrow? We had a month
to come up with something.

We didn't do anything.

So we'll do it tomorrow.

Let me ask you: when's the last time
you went skiing?

About six years ago.

I think you can take the lift ticket
off your jacket now.

Women like skiers.

So what? You can't meet anybody.
You're with Susan.

Yeah. Right.

See those two women over there?

I almost dated the one on the right.
She's in the closet business.

Closet business?



- What's the closet business?
- What is it your business?

- I'm interested.
- She reorganizes your closet...

and shows you how to maximize
your closet space.

She looked into my closet.

You thought she was good-looking.
This was a way to meet her.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. So, what happened?

She mentioned she had
a boyfriend. Then it hit me:

What do I need
more closet space for?

- Hi, Marla.
- Jerry.

- George, Marla.
- Marla.

George. Jerry, Stacy.

- Stacy. George, Stacy.
- Jerry.

- Stacy.
- George.

George.

Jerry, Marla. Stacy.

- So, how was your trip to Berlin?
- Trip to Berlin?

Remember, that's why you
put off the closets.

You said you were going to Berlin.

Oh, right, right.

The Wall had just come down.
You told me you wanted to be...

part of the celebration.

Yes, yes, I did, but you know,
I was watching it on CNN...

and they covered it so well, I thought,
why knock my brains out?

You know, my boyfriend went.

- Really?
- Yes, I told him all about you going...

and he got all excited
and decided to go.

- Oh, did he like it?
- I don't know. He never came back.

Anyway, we met with NBC
about a month ago, and they...

gave us the green light
to go ahead and write a pilot.

We got a big meeting
with them tomorrow.

They gotta approve the story
before we can write it.

Wow. What a great job. A writer.

Not a bad way to earn a buck.

Sounds great.

Well, I'll tell you, Stacy...

it's a lot of hard work.

But it comes fairly easy to me.

Some people write symphonies.
This is my gift.

- So you gonna go out with her?
- I might.

- What about Susan?
- What? I'm not married.

I'm not allowed to go out
with somebody else?

- Depends.
- Depends on what?

- On many factors.
- Like what?

Well, how long
you've been seeing her.

What's your phone-call frequency?
Are you on a daily?

No. Semi-daily. Four,
five times a week.

Saturday nights, do you ask her out,
or is the date implied?

- Implied.
- She got anything...

in your medicine cabinet?

Might be some moisturizer.

Let me ask you this:

Is there any Tampax in your house?

Yeah.

- I'll tell you what you got here.
- Yeah?

You got a girlfriend.

Oh, no, no. What..?
Are you sure, a girlfriend?

I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily,
with Tampax in his house...

and an implied date
on Saturday night.

- I would like to help you out, but...
- Do you believe my luck?

The first time I have a good answer to...

"What do you do?"
and I have a girlfriend.

You don't need a girlfriend
when you can answer that.

That's what you say
in order to get girlfriends.

Once you can get girlfriends,
you just want more girlfriends.

You're gonna make
a very good father someday.

Well, it's not fair, Jerry.
It's just not fair.

That's it. I'm getting out
of this thing.

Break up with her.
But you know what this means.

- No, what?
- The script, the pilot, the TV show.

- That's all over.
- What do you mean?

Figure it out. She's one
of the executives...

that's gonna make the decision
whether or not they pick up the show.

She's one of our biggest fans.

You drop her, you think
they're gonna pick us up?

Oh, right. Oh, no! Man.

You know, it's a very
interesting situation.

Here you have a job that could
help you get girls.

But you also have a relationship.

But if you get rid of the
relationship so you can get girls...

you lose the job.

- You see the irony?
- Yeah, yeah. I see the...

All right, what about this?

What if I could find some way
to break up with her...

so that she'll still like me,
and it doesn't affect the deal?

- Yeah.
- Wait, wait. Hear me out.

Hear me out. Don't dismiss this.
You're quick to dismiss.

Don't dismiss.

She's got a big crush on
David Letterman. I mean, a big crush.

She talks about him all the time.

Suppose I go up to
David Letterman.

He works at NBC. I work at NBC.

I explain my situation.

He agrees to meet her. They go out.
They fall madly in love...

and she dumps me
for David Letterman.

- This is your plan?
- No, no, I'm just thinking.

I don't think you are.

Well, let me tell you what I see.

Please. And be brutal.
I have no closet sensitivity.

- Are you very fussy about your pants?
- I don't think I am.

Because I have a very radical idea.

- Can you handle it?
- Try me.

Here's what I'm proposing.
We'll eliminate all this.

The hangers, the bar, the shelves, and
in its place, install a series of hooks.

We'll put everything on hooks.

- Everything?
- Everything.

The shirts, pants,
sports jackets, pajamas.

We can get 80 hooks on here.

You're quite mad, you know.

Oh, I don't believe this.

Hey. Well, what are you doing?

I'm watching
The Bold and the Beautiful.

- No.
- Wait, wait.

- This is not a good time.
- Five minutes.

What did you give your TV
to George for?

Because I've been watching too much.
It was an addiction. I couldn't stop.

It was destroying my brain cells.

Yeah, but now you're in here
all the time.

Well... Whoa.

- Marla, Kramer.
- Hello.

- Go out. It's nice out.
- There's nothing out there for me.

- There's weather.
- I don't need weather.

Weather doesn't do it for me.

I'm telling George to give you
your TV back.

No, no. I don't want it back.

Are you gonna watch
the Knick game tonight?

- I don't know.
- Will you tape it?

- Kramer.
- Oh, yeah.

So your boyfriend never
came back from Berlin.

- Never came back.
- Oh, you must have been devastated...

being left for a wall.

Well...

it was about to end anyway.

There was this problem.

Excuse me one second.

- Yeah.
- It's me.

Come on up.

That's Elaine. She's just
a friend of mine.

I don't know what
she's doing here now.

I'm sorry.

- What?
- I didn't get it.

So you were saying
there was this problem.

Well, he wanted me
to move in with him.

- Snapple?
- No, thanks.

- Go on.
- Well, I wouldn't move in, because...

- Yes?
- Well, because...

- Yeah?
- Well, because I'm a...

virgin.

Hello.

Hi. Marla, Elaine.

Sorry, I didn't know
you had company.

- I wanted to return your tape.
- Oh, thanks a lot. Two weeks late.

Now it cost me $35 to see Havana.

I'm sorry. I really am.
I just kept forgetting.

- I should be going.
- No, no, no. I'm leaving.

I like that thing in your hair.

Yeah? This woman
was selling them...

at this crazy party
I was at last night.

You'll appreciate this. Snapple?

No, thanks.

I was talking to this guy,
and I just happened to throw...

my purse on the sofa.

And my diaphragm goes flying out.

So I just froze, you know:

Staring at my diaphragm, you know?
It's just lying there.

So this woman who sold me
this hair thing...

she grabbed it before
the guy noticed, so I mean...

big deal, right?

So I carry around my diaphragm.
Who doesn't?

I mean, like, it's a big, big secret...

that women carry around
their diaphragms.

You never know when
you're gonna need it.

I should be going.

- So we'll talk about the hooks then.
- Yes.

- What, was it something I said?
- She's a virgin. She just told me.

- Well, I didn't know.
- Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.

Well, you think I should
say something?

Should I say something, apologize?

- Was I being anti-virgin?
- No, no.

- I mean...
- Because I'm not anti-virgin.

- I'm gonna... I'll be right back.
- Don't... Elaine. Elaine.

- Yeah?
- It's George.

- She's a virgin?
- A virgin.

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

I'm very attracted to her.
That accent is so sexy.

I don't think I could do it.

They always remember
the first time.

I don't wanna be remembered.
I wanna be forgotten.

You need a little pioneer spirit.
You don't have any of that...

Lewis and Clark in you.

You know, sometimes those guys
don't make it back.

- I'm really hungry.
- Yeah, me too.

We gotta get something.
I don't wanna go...

on an empty stomach.
Let's get Chinese.

- Wanna order?
- All right, then we gotta get work done.

Let me just call Kramer.
See if he wants anything.

Hey. We're ordering Chinese food.

If you want anything,
let me know what...

and I'll order it...

for you.

- I'm in. Let's go for it.
- All right. What do you want?

- I don't care.
- All right.

Why don't we get a couple of
dishes and share.

- All right.
- What are you getting?

- I think I'm gonna get a chow fun.
- What's a chow fun?

It's a broad noodle.

- What do you mean "a broad noodle"?
- It's a big, flat noodle.

Well, I don't want a big, flat noodle.

- What kind of noodle do you want?
- Who says I want a noodle?

I'm getting the chow fun.
You don't have to have any.

I'll get the pea pods, and you can't
have any of my pea pods.

- Fine.
- And get extra MSG.

Look, Marla, this whole sex thing
is totally overrated.

Now, the one thing
you've gotta be ready for...

is how the man changes into
a completely different person...

five seconds after it's over.

I mean, something happens
to their personality.

It's really quite astounding. It's like...

they committed a crime and wanna
flee the scene before police get there.

- So they just leave?
- Yeah. Pretty much, yeah.

Well, the smart ones start working
on their getaway stories during dinner.

How, you know, they gotta
get up early tomorrow.

It's always about being up early.

They all turn into farmers suddenly.

It must be really good
to put up with all that.

Let's go. We don't have time
before the meeting.

The food. What happened to Ping?

Don't worry, he'll be here.
Look, we only got two hours.

We need to come up with one good
idea, we can get through this meeting.

There's your food.

Hey, what about this?

I'm in a car accident.
The motorist is uninsured.

- You with me?
- Yeah.

My car's totaled.

It's all his fault. Now, he has
absolutely no money.

There is no way
that he could pay me.

So the judge decrees...

that he becomes my butler.

- Your butler?
- Right.

He cooks my food, cleans my house,
does my shopping, there you go.

That's your program.

- What about me?
- Don't worry.

We find something for you.

That's the stupidest idea
I ever heard.

Sentenced to be a butler.

- Ping, what happened?
- There was an accident.

Head hurts.

- Head really hurts.
- What happened?

Marla and I went out for coffee,
and I was crossing the street...

and he was biking towards me,
so I got out of the way in time...

but he ran into a parked car,
hit his head...

and everything went flying.

Something happened to the food?

Could only save one bag.

Should I call an ambulance?
Wanna see a doctor?

I'll get some ice.

The pea pods? All you saved
was the pea pods?

- Hey, you got the food?
- Yeah, here.

Man, what took you so long?
Hey, Ping.

- Kramer.
- Yeah.

- Where's yours?
- He dropped it.

Oh, that's too bad.

You should slow down, you know.
It's dangerous to go that fast.

No, no, I have green light.
You jaywalk.

- Are you watching Oprah?
- I did not jaywalk.

You're giving him back that TV.

- Yes, you jaywalk.
- No, I don't want it.

Jaywalker. I can slap a suit on you.

- What?
- We've got work to do.

- What about the meeting?
- An hour with Patrick Swayze.

A month and a half we had.
We did nothing.

We put it off until today.
Then we couldn't do anything...

because Elaine runs
to apologize to a virgin...

crosses against the light and
knocks over a Chinese delivery boy.

And now we're gonna go make
fools of ourselves. We got nothing.

You're not even in show business.
I got a reputation.

You're dragging me into
the sewer with you.

I've been on TV, buddy boy.

You know how fast word spreads
in show business? Just like that:

One bad impression,
you're out of the business!

Let's postpone it.
Let's get out of here.

What? They know we're here.

I'll fake an illness. My back!
My back! I can't move my back!

No, no. Would you get up?

- I could do this, Jerry.
- No.

All right, I'll tell them
that my sister died.

My poor sister died.

She was standing on the street,
and then she was laughing...

and then they shot her!

That's the kind of a sick city
we're living in!

They shoot you for laughing!

I must go and comfort my poor family.
Jerry, come on.

Take me home so I can comfort my...
My poor family.

- What?
- That's David Letterman.

I just saw David Letterman walk by.

Be right back.

Mr. Seinfeld, they're ready
for you now.

Yes, I was very wise
to hitch my wagon to his star.

- Hey, Jerry.
- Hi.

How you doing?
Nice to see you all.

- Hello, Jerry. I'm Rita Kirson.
- Oh, nice to meet you.

- Where's Russell?
- He had to go to L.A.

There's a problem on the set
at Blossom.

Oh, poor Blossom.

Anyway, he asked me
to sit in for him.

Where's George?

He ran to say something
to David Letterman.

- David Letterman's on the floor?
- Yeah, he just walked by.

I think we should
get started, anyway.

Yeah. Good idea.

- So how are you guys coming along?
- Good. Good.

We've got a number of ideas.

Good.

Have you been to
a Chinese restaurant...

and they say five minutes
for a table, and you wind up...

waiting there for 30 minutes?

Well, we thought it would be
very funny...

to do an entire show...

where all you're doing
is waiting for the table.

Because we've all
been in that situation.

You know, you're... You're waiting,
and you're hungry...

and you bump into somebody
you know.

- When is Russell coming back?
- So that's the idea?

Well, no. That's one.

We have many others.

We have an idea where...

I... I get into an accident with a guy
who has no insurance...

and the judge sentences him
to be my butler.

You know, and he cooks.
He has to cook for me.

And cleans my house...

and he's doing my shopping,
you know.

And I'm walking around with
one of those big neck-collar things.

Those collars are funny.

You see somebody in one of those,
you start laughing immediately.

Are you telling them
the butler story?

Is that beautiful or what?

Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.

Russell?

- I'm Rita Kirson.
- Oh, Rita.

Hey, Mr. Schirmack. How are you?

Good to see you, Stu and Jay.
Always a pleasure. Hi, sweetie.

Yeah, yeah, that butler idea,
that's beautiful, isn't it?

Is that a killer?

- I thought I was getting the butler.
- Don't worry.

We'll find something for you.

So Letterman didn't
spark to your idea, huh?

He said there was nothing
he could do and next time...

I should probably break
the Prozacs in half.

Hey, wanna hold it down.
I'm watching JEOPARDY!

Would you give him back the TV?

Oh, by the way, Susan called for you
a minute ago.

I'll bet they're probably doing
somersaults about us over there.

You think they get butler stories
like that every day?

Who is Joseph Cotten? Giddyup.

- Hello?
- Yeah, hi, it's me. It's Georgie boy.

- What's going on?
- What's going on?

What's going on? I'll tell you
what's going on.

I'm fired.

Fired, why?

Because you kissed me.

You kissed me, you stupid idiot.

Rita called Russell, and he fired me
over the phone.

What is pi?

Giddyup again. I'm killing, man.

But I didn't... I had no idea...
I didn't realize.

You didn't realize? How could you
not realize? You're stupid.

You are a stupid, stupid man.

I just feel terrible.
This is just terrible.

What is the cha-cha?

Yes, indeed.

I'll speak to you later.

This is great. He fired her!

This is incredible. He fired her!
I'm out, baby! I'm out!

- Why'd he fire her?
- Because I kissed her in the meeting!

Russell found out. He fired her
over the phone!

Finally, my stupidity pays off!

What is "Here Come De Judge"?
"Here Come De Judge"!

You can't break up with her.
Her life is shattered. You got her fired.

You gotta be there for her.

You gotta wait until
she gets another job.

- Another job?
- A couple of interviews.

Oh, this is unbelievable.

I'm stuck.

Every time I think I'm out...

they pull me back in.

Are you going to want to leave
after it's over?

You know, if we have sex.

What, leave? Where, why?

You know, the apartment.

- Why would I? This is my apartment.
- Well, what if it was my apartment?

Who gave you this idea
I would wanna leave?

Well, Elaine said men like to leave
after it's over.

I wouldn't put stock in
anything Elaine has to say...

about relationships.
She comes from a broken home.

And I mean that literally. A tree fell
on the roof and cracked the structure.

Her parents got along beautifully,
but the house was in bad shape.

Maybe I should be going.

- And what else did you say to her?
- Nothing.

I was just giving her
the straight dope.

More like a dope was giving it
to her straight.

Another cup of coffee with you,
she'll wind up in a convent.

Listen, there was a lot more
I could've told her, believe me.

What about leaving after sex?
Did I leave with you?

You might have, if I had stayed.

So you know what,
I got served with papers today.

Ping is suing me.

I need your virgin as a witness,
so be nice.

I was trying to be.

Look at George.
He lucked out, huh?

You're not kidding. Who figured
Susan would break up with him?

- They had a good thing going.
- Yeah.

Since she met him,
she's been vomited on...

her family cabin's been
burned down...

learned her father's a homosexual
and got fired from a high-paying job.

Yeah, they had
a real good thing going.

What do I do?

Well, actually, I'm a writer.

In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot
for NBC right now.

A sitcom?

How can you write that crap?

Carol. This guy's writing a sitcom.

A sitcom?

A sitcom.

Can you imagine?

And he actually tried to use it
to hit on me.

In ancient tribal cultures,
they would actually sacrifice a virgin.

I mean, they would find some girl
that had never been with anybody...

and throw her into a volcano.
There's a first date you'll never forget.

She winds up in heaven,
talking with Chuck Woolery, so...

"Tell me, Lisa, how did the date end?"
"Not well, Chuck. Not well."

"Well, if you'd like to be thrown into
a volcano again, we'll pay for it."