Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Contest - full transcript

Don't visualize your parents
having sex.

You know what I mean? It's somehow
very uncomfortable.

You know they had to have sex
at least once to have you.

But you still kind of maintain
the image in your head:

"Well, I don't know. I'm not positive.
I can't prove it.

I don't know if that
actually happened."

That's why if I found I was adopted,
that would come as great news.

"I'm adopted? That's great."

I'd be happy to hear that.
That means technically...

it's possible, that my mother and
father are just really great friends.

Sex is great, but you don't wanna
think your whole life began...



because somebody had a little
too much wine with dinner.

Let me ask you a question.

You're a hostage captured
by terrorists.

- Who, me?
- You, anybody. Whatever.

You're in the little room.
You're chained to the floor.

You're there for a long time.

Do you think they would consider
doing laundry?

They have to.
It's in the Geneva Convention.

You. Take off your socks
and pants. We're doing the wash.

Come on. Take it off.
Take it off.

- Hey, Georgie.
- Hi.

What's the matter?

My mother caught me.

Caught you? Doing what?



You know.

I was alone...

You mean..?

- She caught you?
- Where?

I stopped by the house
to drop the car off...

and I went inside
for a few minutes.

Nobody was there.
They're supposed to be working.

My mother had a Glamour magazine.
I started leafing through it.

Glamour?

- So one thing led to another.
- What did she do?

First she screams, "George, what are
you doing? My God!"

Looked like she was gonna faint.

She started clutching the wall,
trying to hang onto it.

I didn't know whether to keep her
from falling or zip up.

- What did you do?
- I zipped up.

- So she fell?
- Yeah.

Well, I couldn't run over there
the way I was.

- No, I guess you couldn't.
- I wouldn't think so.

So she fell, and then she starts
screaming, "My back, my back!"

I picked her up. I took her
to the hospital.

- How is she?
- She's in traction.

- I'm sorry.
- It's not funny, Elaine.

I know. I'm sorry. It's serious.

Her back went out. She's gotta be
there for a couple of days.

All she said on the way over
in the car was, "Why, George, why?"

I said, "Because it's there."

Glamour?

I'll tell you this, though:

I am never doing...

that again.

What? You mean in your mother's
house or altogether?

- Altogether.
- Give me a break.

Yeah, right.

- You don't think I can?
- No chance.

- You think you could?
- I could hold out longer than you.

Care to make it interesting?

Sure. How much?

Hundred dollars?

You're on.

Wait a second. Wait a second.
Count me in on this.

You? You'll be out before we
get the check.

I want in on this.

- No, no.
- It's apples and oranges.

- It's different.
- Why? Why?

- Because you're a woman.
- So what?

It's easier for a woman not to do it
than a man. We have to do it.

It's part of our lifestyle.

It's like shaving.

That is such baloney.
I shave my legs.

Not every day.

- You wanna be in?
- Yeah.

You gotta give us odds.
At least 2-1. You gotta put up $200.

No. A thousand.

No. I'll put up 150.

- All right. You're in for 150.
- Okay, 150.

How we gonna monitor this?

Obviously, we all know each
other very well.

I'm sure we'll all feel comfortable within
the confines of the honor system.

All right. Come on.

No, Ma. I'm not gonna
see a psychiatrist.

I don't care if you do pay for it.

No. Discussion over.

Yeah, all right. I'll see you later.

Yes, of course I'm gonna come by.

All right.

My mother wants me
to see a psychiatrist now.

Why? Because she caught me?

You know, if everyone who did
that had to go see a psychiatrist...

Yeah..?

Whatever.

- How is she?
- She'll be fine.

I gotta go see her at the hospital.

- Yeah?
- It's me.

Come on up.

- Hey, what are you doing tonight?
- Date with Marla.

- Oh, the virgin?
- Yeah.

Any progress there?
What's the latest?

I got my troops amassed
along the border.

I'm waiting for someone to give me
the go-ahead.

Hey, look at this. Come here. There's
a naked woman across the street.

Where?

Second floor from the top.
See the window on the left?

Who walks around
the house like that?

Maybe she's a nudist. You know those
nudist-colony people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let me ask you,
in these nudist colonies...

do they eat naked
in the dining room?

I would imagine it's all naked.

Are the chambermaids naked too?

They're naked. The gardener's naked.
Bellhops.

It's one big nude-o-rama.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Well, where's my money?
Who caved?

- Not me.
- Not me.

- What are you looking at?
- A naked woman across the street.

This is gonna be the easiest
money I've ever made in my life.

My friend Joyce is teaching an
aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.

Yeah, well, the waitress
should've taken it back.

Then, I got a call this morning. I was
chosen to go on the space shuttle.

- We're going to Mars.
- Have a good time.

I'm out.

What?

Yeah, I'm out.
I'm out of the contest.

- You're out?
- Yeah.

Wow, that was fast.

Well, it was that woman
across the street.

You know, you better be careful,
buddy. She'll get you next.

And then there were three.

I don't understand you. I really don't.

You have nothing better to do
at 3:00 in the afternoon?

I go out for a quart of milk.

I come home and find
my son treating his body...

like it was an amusement park.

Ma...

Don't give me "Ma." It's good
I didn't hit the table.

I could have cracked my head open.

People can hear you.

Too bad you can't do that
for a living.

You'd be very successful at it.

You could sell out
Madison Square Garden.

Thousands of people
could watch you.

You could be a big star.

All right. That's enough.

I want you to go see a psychiatrist.

No! I am not going
to see a psychiatrist!

- Why not? Why won't you go?
- Because I don't want to.

- I want you to go see somebody.
- Well, I am not going.

It's a good thing
your father's in Chicago.

Hello, Aunt Estelle.

Look at you.

- How did this happen?
- Is that important, really?

What is this, a police investigation?
She's been through enough.

She has to relive the experience?

Hi, Denise. 6:30, time for
your sponge bath.

Is it 6:30 already? I fell asleep.

So, George...

what are you doing now?

I hear you got some kind of
television writing thing.

Yeah. Television.

Let me help you off with that.
Here, just slip it over your head.

Well, it's about time.

We thought you were gonna
wind up on the street.

So...

what is it you're doing, exactly?

George, your cousin Shelly
is talking to you!

So when was the last time
you took a class?

- It's been a while.
- Are you psyched?

Yeah. I'm really psyched.

You're gonna thank me
for getting you in here.

- Why is that?
- See the guy with the dark hair...

and the red shorts?

Oh, my God.

John F. Kennedy Jr. is here.

- He's gonna be in your class today.
- In my class?

John Kennedy's gonna
be in my class?

I can get you a spot
right behind him.

He has got a great butt.

Yeah. Butt, butt.
Great butt. John-John's butt.

- Let's slow it down a little.
- Slow it down?

Well, you know.

Yeah. I know.

You're okay with that, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Of course.

You think I care about the sex? What
kind of person do you think I am?

That doesn't mean anything to me.
I don't care about that.

I'll see you Saturday night, then?

Sure. Saturday night.

- All right, then. Good night.
- Good night.

Not just a good night.

A great night.

Good morning.

Yeah, good morning.

Nothing like some good,
solid sack-time.

She's not there.

She's doing her wash.

So did you make it
through the night?

Yes, I'm proud to say I did.

So you're still master
of your domain.

Yes. Yes, I am.

Master of my domain.

But I will tell you this:

I am going over to her apartment...

and I'm telling her to put
those shades down.

Wait. What did you just say?

I can't take it anymore.

She's driving me crazy.
I can't sleep.

I can't leave the house.
I'm climbing walls.

I'm dating a virgin,
I'm in this contest.

Something's gotta give.

Do you hear what you're saying?
Can you hear it?

This is a beautiful woman
walking around naked...

and you wanna tell her to stop?

That's the dumbest thing
I ever heard!

It's incomprehensible...
I won't let you.

- I'm doing it. Get out of my way.
- No, no. You can't.

This is something that comes about
once in a lifetime.

When we were boys looking through
our windows...

we'd think, "Why can't a woman
out there take her clothes off?"

Now that wish has come true,
and you wanna throw it away?

- I'm sorry.
- I'm not gonna let you do it.

- Kramer, get out of my way.
- Don't do it.

For my sake. God knows,
I don't ask you for much.

Please, Jerry. I'm begging you.
Please! Come on! Please!

- All right, all right.
- Yes!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

She's not there.

Oh, I can wait.

The nurse was giving her
a sponge bath?

Every night at 6:30.

The nurse was gorgeous.

Then I got a look at the patient.

I was going nuts.

I guess you'll be going back
to that hospital.

Well, my mother, Jerry.

But are you still
master of your domain?

I am king of the county.

- You?
- Lord of the manor.

John F. Kennedy Jr.

What?

He was in my aerobics class.

Really? Did you talk to him?

No, you don't understand.
He was working out in front of me.

After the class was over,
I timed my walk to the door...

so we'd get there
at the exact same moment.

And he says to me,
"Quite a workout."

"Quite a workout"?

- What did you say?
- I said, "Yeah."

Good one.

Listen, listen. Then I showered,
and I dressed...

and I saw him again
on the way out.

So we're walking and talking,
and he asked me my name...

and I think I said Elaine,
but I mean, who the hell knows?

So then he says to me:

"Do you wanna split
a cab uptown?"

And I said, "Sure," even though
I was going downtown.

So we get in the cab, and I mean,
I have no idea where I'm going, right?

But this is John F. Kennedy Jr.
We're talking about.

So he says, "Where do you live?"

I was close to your block,
so I said your building.

He dropped me off in front...

and then I had to take a cab all
the way back downtown to my house.

Oh, God.

The question is...

are you still master
of your domain?

I'm queen of the castle.

You're back.

Of course I'm back.

Why wouldn't I be back?

My mother is in the hospital.
I'm gonna pay her a visit.

I know, but two days in a row?

You didn't have to do this.

You're my mother.
What wouldn't I do for you?

You know what you could do?

I haven't eaten lunch or dinner.

I can't eat this hospital food.

Maybe you could run down to the deli
and get me a sandwich.

You got it, Ma.

A little later.

Could you go now, Georgie?
I'm very hungry. I'm weak.

Wait a while. What's the difference?

I don't understand why
you can't do this for me!

I just got here, Ma. I'd like to spend
a little time with you.

But if you wait, they won't
let you back in!

Visiting hours are almost over!

Ten minutes. Here.
Have some Tic Tacs.

Get the hell out of here.

I'm sorry you came.

6:30. Time for your bath.

George. I'm hungry.

Hang on, Ma. Hang on.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Did you get your hair done today?

No, I just fixed it a little bit.

You-know-who isn't here.

He was in the early class today,
but I think...

you made quite an impression
on him yesterday.

What? What? Who? Me?

- What impression?
- Let me put this back.

No, no, now! Tell me now!
What did he say?

- He asked about you.
- He asked about me?

John Kennedy asked about me?
What did he say?

He wanted to know your situation.

- What? I have a situation?
- I said you were single.

- That was good. That was very good.
- He said you were just his type.

Okay. You're trying to hurt me?
You're trying to injure me?

He told me to tell you he'll be in your
neighborhood tomorrow around 9:00.

He'll stop in front of your building if
you wanna come down and say hello.

All right, Ma.
I'll talk to you later.

Nothing. I'm watching
Tiny Toons here on Nickelodeon.

I like kids' shows. They have a very
innocent, wholesome quality.

Okay. All right, talk to you later. Bye.

Yeah, that's good. That's good.
That's very, very good.

It's hot in there, so just walk around.

Yeah. Don't be ashamed.
Don't be ashamed. That's good.

Yes, yes, yes.

The woman across the block
Has nothing on

Nothing on, nothing on

The woman across the block
Has nothing on, nothing on

All through the day

All you got is instant coffee?
Why don't you get some real coffee?

I don't keep real coffee here.
I get my coffee on the outside.

Yeah!

- It's Elaine.
- Come on up!

- Where did you get those socks?
- I don't know.

- I think those are my socks.
- How are these your socks?

I don't know, but those are my socks.

I had a blue-striped pair just like that,
and now I don't have them anymore.

Yeah, you fell asleep on the sofa,
and I took them off your stinking feet!

They looked so good,
I had to have them!

- Well, they're my socks!
- They're my socks!

- Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
- What are we doing here?

- This is ridiculous.
- You believe this? We're fighting.

I haven't been myself.
I've snapped at everybody.

I'm yelling at strangers
on the street.

Hello.

You caved?

- It's over?
- You're out?

Oh, my God. The queen is dead.

I figured you'd cruise,
at least through the spring.

- What happened?
- It was...

John-John.

- John-John.
- John-John.

But you made it through
the day before.

But he told Joyce that he wants to
meet me outside here at 9:00 tonight.

- Why outside here?
- Because he thinks I live here.

Remember the cab? He dropped me off
out front. He's picking me up.

All right, Costanza...

it's you and me.

And then, there were two.

Elaine Benes...

Kennedy Jr.

Let's go in the bedroom.

- Really?
- Yes.

- You sure?
- Yes.

- You really want to?
- I do. I'm ready.

Okay.

I know how difficult this
must have been for you.

You don't know the half of it.

- What do you mean?
- It's kind of silly, but...

Contest? A contest?

This is what you do
with your friends?

It was just a bet. It actually started
with George and his mother.

I don't wanna hear another word!

To think how close I came to you
being the one!

I must have been out of my mind.

Marla.

Hi. I'm glad I ran into you.

I don't wanna have anything to do
with you or your perverted friends.

Get away from me.
You're horrible, horrible. All of you.

- What happened?
- I told her about the contest.

Boy. She's a wacko.

- Hey, what happened?
- What?

- You were meeting Kennedy.
- He didn't show.

Yeah, he did.

What? He's out there?

- Oh, my God. I gotta go.
- No, no, he just left.

- What?
- He was talking to Marla.

Marla?

She was, like, crying.
He was consoling her.

She got into his car,
and they just drove away.

- He left with Marla, the virgin?
- Yeah.

- They drove away?
- Yeah, drove away.

- You know, I said hello to him. He's...
- Oh, my God in heaven.

Is that..?

Kramer?

He's waving.

Oh, John...

that was wonderful.

Men wanna see women naked.

Whatever it is you won't show us...

that's what we're obsessed
with seeing.

If women always wore hats in public,
all the time...

you'd see men buying
Playhead magazine...

you know, Skulls of the Big 10.

This would be what we're
interested in.

What about cultures, like in
National Geographic...

where everybody is naked?

What are men in these cultures trying
to look at when the women walk by?

How could you have a strip
club there?

Woman takes off the necklace and
the nose ring, that's it, show's over.

The men are going, "Boy, did you see
that little indentation in her lip?

I told you, man, this place is hot!"