Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 9 - The Opera - full transcript

Everyone gets tickets to go to the opera but it doesn't turn out to be an evening of entertainment. George's girlfriend Susan can't go and he's not keen on going alone - until Kramer mentions the fortune they could make scalping her ticket, that is. George makes a mess of it as usual. Elaine's new boyfriend Joey also decides he can't go with her as he has other plans. In fact, Joey is Jerry's nemesis Crazy Joe Davola who plans on stalking Jerry at every opportunity.

I think the idea behind a tuxedo...

is kind of the woman's point of
view that men are all the same.

We might as well
dress them that way.

To me, a wedding is the joining
together of a beautiful, glowing bride...

and some guy.

The tuxedo is a wedding safety
device, created by women...

because they know that men
are undependable.

So in case the groom chickens out...

everybody takes one step over,
and she marries the next guy.

That's why the wedding vow isn't,
"Do you take Bill Simpson?"

It's, "Do you take this man?"

Leave a message.
I'll call you back. Thanks.

Jerry? Joe Davola.

I have a hair on my tongue.

Can't get it off.

You know how much I hate that?

Of course you do.
You put it there.

I know what you said about me,

I know you bad-mouthed me
to the execs at NBC.

Put the kibosh on my deal.

Now I'm gonna put the kibosh on you.

You know I've kiboshed before.

And I will kibosh again.

- So, what do you think?
- About what?

- About the opera.
- I don't wanna go.

- You gotta go.
- I don't like the opera.

What are they singing for?
Who sings?

You got something to say, say it.

You don't understand.
That's the way they talk in Italy.

They sing to one another.

All right. All right.

That's their way.
You listen to the language.

It's got that sing-songy quality to it.

It's the language, Jerry.
The language.

- So why don't they talk like that now?
- It's too hard to keep up.

You know, they got...
They were tired.

- Better get that.
- Yeah.

- It's me.
- Come on up.

- So?
- I don't know.

Come on. It's opening night.
Black-tie, Pagliacci. The great clown.

The great, sad, tragic clown,
like you.

Well, that's very flattering.

How'd you get tickets?
They're impossible to get.

Well, I have many associates.

I don't know.
Opera, it's not my kind of thing.

Then I'm gonna call
the whole thing off.

Wait a minute. What about
George, Susan and Elaine?

- Why do you need me?
- You're the nucleus...

the straw that stirs the drink.
You're the "magliana."

I guess if I'm the magliana,
I should go.

All right. All right.

- Good.
- Hey.

You got the tickets, right?

- No, I don't have them on me.
- What? That's why I came over here.

My friend's got them.
I'll pick them up tomorrow.

I was gonna surprise Joey with them.
You got an extra one, right?

Oh, yeah!

So I finally get to meet
your pal Joey.

- It's killing you, isn't it?
- Yeah.

So Joey's a great lover of the opera.


I got news for you.

It's nice to be involved
with somebody...

who's interested in something
other than Nick at Nite.

You know, he's got a grip on reality.

He's... He's happy. He's well-adjusted.

Looking forward to meeting him.

I gotta go.

Where? What's the rush?

To surprise Joey.
I've never been to his place.

- I'm just gonna pop in.
- Good, men love that.


You got a message, buddy.

It could be from that blond.

Jerry? Joe Davola.

I have a hair on my tongue.

What am I gonna do?
He's gonna put the kibosh on me.

- He's crazy, out of his mind!
- Steady, steady! Now, calm yourself!

He's supposed to be on medication.
He told me he was on medication.

- What happened to his medication?
- Quiet! Now let me think.

I'm gonna call the cops.
That's what I'm doing. The cops.

Why?! They're not gonna
do anything!

They're the cops.
They gotta do something.

He'll put the kibosh on me. Do you
know what it is to be kiboshed?

- Kibosh.
- It's a terrible mistake.

He thinks I ruined some deal at NBC.
I don't know anything about it.

- Call and tell him that.
- That... That's what I'll do.

I'll just call him and tell him.
That's all I'll do. Right.

He's a human being.
I'll talk to him. He'll understand, right?


Don't mention my name.

Oh, I got the machine.

- What's his message like?
- Nice.

Hello, Joe. Listen,
this is Jerry Seinfeld.

I think there's been a huge, colossal

Big. Big.

If we could just talk,
we could straighten this out...

so call me back. Bye.



Oh, God. It's you. You scared me.

Good. Fear's our most
primal emotion.

You left your door open.

I know. I like to encourage intruders.

What is all this?

Do you like it?

My home is a shrine to you.

Where did you get all these pictures?

I took them myself
with a telephoto lens.

Coming out of your office,
your apartment.




I develop them myself
in my darkroom.

Would you..? Would you like to see?

In the darkroom?
Oh, no, thank you.

Not right now.

I'm a day person.

Are..? Are you all right?


Well, I don't know.
You just don't...

- seem yourself.
- Who am I?

- Who am I supposed to be?
- That's a good question.

Good question. It's very existential.

Who are you? Who am I? Well...

What are you doing here?

Oh, nothing. I just stopped by
to chat.

You know, shoot the breeze.

Were you able to get those Pagliacci
opera tickets from your friend?

I'm really looking forward to it.

No, he couldn't get them.
We're not going.


Oh, damn it.
I just remembered I gotta go.

I left something on. The gas,
the lights, the water in the tub.

Something is on somewhere,
so I'm just gonna get the...

Do you know the story of Pagliacci,

I'm Elaine.

He's a clown whose wife
is unfaithful to him.

Do you think I'm a clown, Nedda?

Do I think you're a clown?
No. Not if it's bad to be a clown.

If it's bad to be a clown, then
you are definitely not a clown.

But if it's good to be a clown, then I
would have to rethink the whole thing.

You've betrayed me with another,
haven't you, Nedda?

Who is he? I want you
to tell me who he is.

I want his name. Tell me his name.

Oh, like any man would
ever look at me. Come on.

I'm gonna get out of here.

Pagliacci kills his wife.

See? Now that's terrible. That is...
That's not a nice thing to do at all.

I would assume... I don't know how
this Pagliacci thing turns out.

But I would assume that there was
big, big trouble for that clown.

You're not leaving.

But, officer, he threatened me.

I don't understand.
That's not right.

What if it was the president
of the U.S? I bet you'd investigate.

So, what's the difference?
I'm a comedian of the United States.

And I'll tell you, I'm under
just as much pressure.

All right. Thanks anyway.
Okay, bye.

- Who is it?
- It's George.

- You're locking the door now?
- Yeah.

Well, well. Look at you.

It's a little skimpy there, isn't it?

You know the last time
I wore this thing?

Six years ago.

When I made that toast
at Bobby Leighton's wedding.

Oh, that was a bad toast.

It wasn't that bad.

I never heard anybody curse
in a toast.

I was trying to loosen them up
a little bit.

There were old people there.

All the relatives.
You were like a Redd Foxx record.

At the end of the toast,
nobody even drank.

They were just standing. They were
just frozen. People...

That might have been
one of the worst all-time toasts.

Still, her father didn't have
to throw me out like that.

He could've asked me to leave.
He had me in a headlock.

Susan's not going tonight.

What do you mean, not going?
Why not?

She had to pick up a friend
at the airport.

It cost me $100, this ticket.

- Why didn't she pay for hers?
- That's a very good question.

She and I go to dinner,
she doesn't even reach for the check.

All I'm asking for is a reach.
Is that so much to ask for?

It's nice to get a reach.

- Who is it?
- It's me!

Why are you locking the door now?

Because of Davola. Get in here.

What the..?

- How come you're not dressed?
- I am dressed.

- You're going like this?
- Yeah. I want you to hear something.

- You said people dress up for opera.
- Well, people do. I don't.

If you're going like that,
I'm not going like this.

Wait a minute! Do you think
I'm comfortable here?

I can't change. I got no clothes here.

You gotta go like that.
I can't go like this alone.

Why should I be uncomfortable
because my apartment is closer?

That's not the issue. We're friends.

If I gotta be uncomfortable,
you gotta too.

All right. I'll wear this. It's bad enough
I gotta go to the opera...

I gotta sit next to Ozzie Nelson
over here.

Would you turn that down?
What is that crap?

It's Pagliacci.

Oh, beautiful.

We got a little problem here.
We got two extra tickets.

- Why, what happened?
- Susan isn't going...

and Elaine's friend isn't going.
- Fantastic. We'll scalp the tickets.

We can make maybe 500 a ticket.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

People are looking for tickets here?

Are you kidding? Opening night,
Pavarotti in Pagliacci?

- We're gonna clean up.
- Oh, man, I knew I'd love the opera.

- Yeah, right.
- Come on, let's go get the tickets.

Listen, I gotta wait for Elaine.
I'll meet you at the theater.

- All right, yeah.
- Isn't scalping illegal?

Oh, yeah.

You sprayed him in the eyes
with Binaca?

Cherry Binaca. It's new.

See, I don't get that.
First they come out with regular.

A year later, they have cherry.

They know we like cherry. Start with
cherry. Then come out with regular.

It was like I didn't know him.
He was a different person.

You should hear the message
from my nut.

Where's George and Kramer?
I wanna get inside already.

I feel very vulnerable.

What you doing?
That's my quarter.

- No, it's not. It's mine.
- I was just flipping it. That's mine.

No, I dropped it. It's mine.

All right, you want it, take it,
but don't try and tell me it's yours.

Well, it is mine.

What, you think I care
about the money?

Is that what you think? I'll show you.

Look at this. Here's a dollar. Look.

That's how much
I care about money.

You think I care about money.
That's how much I care about money.

- Why don't you get lost?
- Why don't you?

- Because I was standing here.
- Oh, yeah?


I kind of like this opera crowd.
I feel tough.

Anybody else got a problem?

- Hey, clown.
- Clown.

Make us laugh, clown.

- Nice face, clown.
- Make me laugh, clown.

I got two. I got two. Pagliacci.

Who needs Pagliacci, huh?
Come on, the great tragic clown.

Come on, check it out. He laughs,
he cries, he sings. Pagliacci.

I got two beauties right here.
Check it out.

- All right.
- Hey, hey, you selling?

I'm selling.

- Where are they?
- Orchestra, row G, dead center. Primo.

You think you died
and went to heaven.

What do you want for them?

I'll tell you what I'll do.
You look like a nice guy.

A thousand dollars for the deuce.

- Give you $500 for the pair.
- Yeah. It's a deal.

- No.
- What, no? Are you crazy?

- Look, let me handle this.
- That's $500. That's a great deal.

You're blowing it.
The guy's a pigeon.

Oh, God, see, he's walking away.
What is wrong with you?

That was a $300 profit.

I know what I'm doing here, George.

This is not a Metallica concert.
It's an opera, all right?

A little dignity. A little class.
Give me my ticket.

I will stand over here and sell it.

Thank you. Stand over there.
I'll stand over here.

- I know where I'm standing.
- All right.

- Get your Pagliaccis here!
- Pagliaccis right here, huh?

Where are they already?

I guarantee you they don't
sell those tickets.

Hey, look. There's Bobby Leighton's
father-in-law. Mr. Reichman.

George and I were just talking
about him.

He threw George out of the wedding.

Oh, yeah, when George
made that bad toast.

- You remember the curse toast?
- Oh, yeah. The curse toast.

Can you believe that message?

I gotta spend my life looking
over my shoulder.

Me too.

Crazy Joe Davola.

- How do you know his name?
- Why wouldn't I know his name?

- I never told you his name.
- I never told you his name.

- Who are we talking about here?
- Joe Davola.

Right, Joe Davola.

How do you know his name?

I've been out with him three times.
I should know the man's name.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- He's stalking you?

- Are you kidding me?
- You're dating the madman...

who's trying to kill me?
- Why didn't you tell me his name?

Last night he accused me
of seeing someone else.

- He said, "Tell me his name!"
- He said that?

If he sees us, can you imagine
what he'll do?

If he thinks I ruined his NBC deal
and stole his girl!

- That will be a kibosh for sure.
- What about me?

Excuse me.

Come on. This is Pavarotti.

Three hundred dollars.
That's a lot of money.

Steven Holtzman did a production
in Tunis last year.

From what I understand,
the Muslims really took to it.

I'll tell you what. You seem like a
nice guy. Let's stop jerking around.

Give me $250. I got people waiting
for me. I gotta get the hell out of here.

Scalping. I told them
to put on extra security.

Excuse me.

Pop, would you buzz off?
I got something cooking here.

- Costanza?
- Mr. Reichman?

Still a sewer-mouth.
Give me those tickets.

Harold, don't. Harold, be careful
of your hair transplant!

Anything is welcome.
I accept change.

I don't have anything.
I gave it to that guy.

You know, you could just say no.

You don't have to humiliate me.

I may be dressed as a clown,
but I am a person.

- The guy took...
- I don't need people like you...

looking down their noses at me.

I am just a street performer
trying to make enough to get by.

Doctor, is there a doctor anywhere?

We need a doctor!

What are you, showing off
for your girlfriend here, is that it?

I'm not his girlfriend. We dated
for a while but things didn't work out.

You people make me sick.

That is one angry clown.

The hardest part
about being a clown...

it seems to me, would be that you're
constantly referred to as a clown.

"Who is that clown?
I'm not working with that clown.

Did you hire that clown?

The guy's a clown."

How do you even start into
being a clown?

How do you know you
wanna be a clown?

I guess you just get to a point
where your pants look so bad...

it's actually easier
to become a clown...

than having the proper alterations

If you think about it, a clown,
if there isn't a circus around them...

is really just a very annoying person.

I mean, you're in the back seat
of this guy's Volkswagen...

"What, you're picking somebody
else up? Oh, man."

I got one. Who needs one?
Pagliacci. Pagliacci.

The tragic clown. Pagliacci...

What did you say?

What, are you a cop?

No. I'm a clown.

Man, you look familiar.

You ever been to the circus?

- Well, when I was a kid.
- Did you like it?

Well, it was fun.

Was kind of scared of the clowns.

Are you still scared of clowns?


We're gonna miss the overture.

Overture, curtains, lights
This is it, we'll hit the heights

And, oh, what heights we'll hit
On with the show, this is it

You know, it is so sad.

All your knowledge of high culture
comes from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Oh, there's that clown again.
What does he want from me?

Look, I'm serious.
I don't have the quarter.

- That guy took it.
- I don't want any money.

I smell cherry.

- It's Binaca.
- Binaca?

Go! Go!

- All right, what did we say, 275?
- Two fifty.

- Two fifty? Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.

- All right. All right, 250.
- George!

- Susan.
- I don't believe it.

I'm so glad I caught you.

What are you doing here?
You were going to the airport.

Some plane problems.
They landed in Philadelphia.

So what? They don't have another
plane? She couldn't take a bus?

She's coming in tomorrow.
But I made it.

Yeah. How about that? You made it.

I'm so excited. Now we get to see
the opera together.

We get to go to the opera...
Get out of here... Together.

- Who's that?
- That's, that's Harry Fong.

He's a very good friend of mine.
He's a big opera buff.

Enjoy the show there, Harry!

- Come on. Let's go.
- You know what?

- Come on. You gotta let us in.
- Not without tickets.

We have tickets. Just not with us.

Well, that's a problem. Excuse me.

You don't understand.
Someone's after us, a crazy clown.

- He's trying to kill us!
- A crazy clown is after you?

Oh, that's rich.

Clear the way so people
with tickets can pass.

- We're with him.
- Are you guys ready?

- Yes. Yes.
- Have you seen George?

- We thought he was with you.
- Come on. He's on his own.


Here I come.

- These are great seats, huh?
- Yeah.

Boy, some cast, huh?
Pavarotti, Eva Marton.

Eva Marton. I've heard of her.

- Who's she playing?
- She's playing Pagliacci's wife, Nedda.

- Nedda?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Susan, what are you doing here?

- My friend's flight couldn't make it.
- Hi.

- Where's George?
- I got his ticket.

He decided not to come.
He said he was uncomfortable.


How do you think I feel?

- How much did you pay for that ticket?
- One seventy-five.

Kramer, who did you sell
your ticket to?

Some nut in a clown suit.

I had some friends drag me
to an opera recently.

They've all got those little
opera glasses.

Do you really need binoculars?
How big do these people have to get...

before you can spot them?

These opera kids, they're going
250, 280, 325.

They're wearing
big white woolly vests.

The women have the breastplates,
the bullet hats, the horns coming out.

You can't pick these people out,
forget opera.

Think about optometry.
Maybe that's more your thing.