Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Nose Job - full transcript

Give me an explanation
why the pharmacist has to be...

two and a half feet up
above everybody else.

What the hell is he doing he can't be
on the floor with you and me?

Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear
physicists, we're on the same level.

Oh, no, he's gotta be
two and a half feet up.

"Look out, everybody,
I’m working with pills.

Spread out, give me some room."

The only hard part of his whole job
that I could see...

is typing everything
onto that little, tiny label.

And has to try and get
all the words on there...

keep the little piece of paper
in the roller of the typewriter.



Oh, no. He's gotta be
two and a half feet up.

"Yeah, I’d like to get this
prescription filled."

"All right. You wait down there.

Only I’m allowed up here."

- Where'd you meet her?
- I met her on an elevator.

On an elevator?
You met a woman on an elevator?

- Impossible, right?
- You got less than 60 seconds.

That's like dismantling a time bomb.

- What got into you?
- I don't know. She was so beautiful...

it was a pure reflex. The words...

- just came out of my mouth.
- Wow. What did you say?

You know, I’m the one responsible
for those crop circles in England.

- Can you believe I did that?
- What did she say?

What crop circles?



- Not a good sign.
- Not everybody knows...

what the crop circles are.
You know what the crop circles are?

Crop circles?
Why don't you buy something?

You got something in your teeth.

- What?
- It's green.

Oh, man, spinach. I’ve been
walking around like this all afternoon.

- You bump into anybody you knew?
- I had a job interview.

- How did it go?
- Take a guess.

Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing
available at the present time...

but should anything open up,
we'll be in touch.

Okay, thanks.

You don't need a job.
You got Audrey.

Yeah. Right.

- What's the matter?
- No. Nothing.

- What?
- You won't think I’m a bad person?

Too late for that.

Because, believe me, I would only say
this to you and maybe a psychiatrist.

What is it?

Well....

Her nose is a little big.

Yeah, she's got a big nose.

I mean, big would even be okay.

It’s beyond big.

It’s a schnoz.

I’m aware that my own
physical dimensions...

- are a little short of perfection.
- A little.

Who am I to be thinking
about someone's nose?

I should be grateful someone like her
looks at me. I have no job, nothing.

But I have to say,
I think about the nose.

I don't wanna think about it, I don't ask
to think about it, but I think about it.

I go to bed, I tell myself, "Don't
think about the nose." I think about it.

I look at her, I see the nose.

Stop being so concerned with looks.

- Have you said anything to her?
- No. Could never do that.

The ironic thing is,
if she had a smaller nose...

I never could've dated her. She'd be
out of my league with a smaller nose.

And I really like her. I know that.

And I know one other thing:

I’m not getting past that nose.

All right, shut up. Here they come.

How can I not think about it?
Look at the size of this thing.

My mother's going out with this guy
who leaves a jacket in her house.

She gives to me. Well, two years later,
he shows up and takes it back.

Now he's in prison.
Got arrested for mail fraud.

So, Elaine, go over to the apartment,
tell the landlord you're his daughter...

and you wanna bring him
the jacket.

Won't the landlord know
I’m not the daughter?

No, he's never met her.
She's in California.

- Are you coming with me?
- Yeah, I have to. I’m your fiancé.

Peter Von Nostrand.

Why don't you just
commit yourself already?

What is so special
about this jacket?

- No, you don't wanna know.
- God....

He believes it possesses some
extraordinary power over women.

What's that splotch on your hand?

I got stamped at the
reggae lounge last night.

I’m going back there tonight. I’m not
gonna pay another cover charge.

You didn't wash all day?

Yeah, I washed. Just not the hand.

You wouldn't believe the women
at this club. Man.

It’s amazing how many
beautiful women live in New York.

I actually find it kind of intimidating.

You're as pretty as any of them.
Just need a nose job.

- Kramer!
- What? What?

How could you say
something like that?

What do you mean?
I just said she needs a nose job.

No, no. There's nothing wrong
with her nose.

- God, I’m so sorry, Audrey.
- Oh, it's okay.

- What did you have to say that for?
- I was just trying to help out.

Yeah, well, you can kiss that jacket
goodbye, Mr. Von Nausen.

You see what happens
when you try to be nice?

But what would the world be like...

if people said whatever
they were thinking...

all the time,
whenever it came to them?

How long would a blind date last?

About 13 seconds, I think.

"Sorry, your rear end is too big."
"Okay, your breath stinks."

"See you later. No problem. Goodbye."
"Okay, thank you very much."

Elaine said I can stay with her
another month till Tina gets back.

What are you thinking about?

Thinking? Nothing.

What could I possibly be thinking?

You look like you've got something
on your mind.

Yeah, right. I wish I had
something on my mind.

So how about that Kramer?

Yeah, how about him?

- The way he just says stuff.
- He sure does.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's quite a character.

So, what did you think?

About the pizza?

No. About the nose job.

Oh, the nose job. Yeah....

I don't know. I...

- Well, what did you think?
- Well, I’ve thought about it...

- but I don't know.
- Yeah.

You know, not that I care
one way or the other...

but these doctors today do amazing
things. lf you were so inclined.

- And again, I’m not suggesting.
- I know. They're good.

Peter Jennings had one.

- Really?
- Probably. They all do.

In my high school,
half my graduating class had them.

Of course,
I’m from Long Island, so....

It’s really nothing.
It’s like going to the dentist.

- I hate the dentist.
- It’s a cleaning.

So you really think I should do this.

If it makes you happy.
I don't focus on these things.

I will tell you this, though.

Unfortunately...

we live in a very
superficial society.

I don't condone it...

but it's a fact of life.

Well, maybe I should.

- What the hell?
- Now you talked her into a nose job?

- Me? I didn't say anything.
- You encouraged her to get one.

- I didn't encourage. No encourage.
- "Peter Jennings had one"?

It’s possible.

- You should accept her for who she is.
- No, George is right.

- I wanna get one.
- I think it's a mistake.

Me too. Really.

Unless you'd really like one, then....

I’m going straight to hell.

No two ways about it.

It might not be hell,
but you're gonna run into bad dudes.

Get the check.
She takes the bandages off at 4:00.

We have time.

It’s exciting.
She's gonna have a new face.

- It is exciting.
- Not as exciting as Miss Crop Circles.

Please, please. Isabel?

She is the most despicable woman
I have ever met in my life.

I have never been so repulsed
by someone mentally...

and so attracted to them physically
at the same time.

It’s like my brain is facing my penis
in a chess game.

And I’m letting him win.

You're not letting him win.
He wins till you're 40.

- Then what?
- He still wins, but it's not a blowout.

She wants to be an actress.

She makes me read these moronic
acting scenes with her, and I do it.

Because I’m so addicted to the sex,
I’m helpless. I’ll do anything.

So, finally, Kramer comes in
the other day.

I don't want to see this woman
anymore...

but I haven't got the willpower
to throw out her number.

Please help me.

Help me.

I’m proud of you.

So I’m never gonna see her again.
I’m going cold turkey.

Good for you.

I’ll tell you, the sex....

I was like an animal.

I mean, it was just
completely uninhibited.

It’s like going to the bathroom in front
of a lot of people, and not caring.

It’s not like that at all.

How do you even know
the jacket is there?

Well, I don't. I’m guessing.

Okay, look, Audrey,
before you take the bandage off...

just remember, I was the one
that encouraged you to do this.

Now that you're gonna be a great
beauty, let's not forget how this began.

- If you listened to your friend Elaine...
- George.

- Yeah?
- Enough.

- Right, enough.
- Are we ready?

Come on,
let's get this show on the road.

- You sure you want us here for this?
- Yes.

- Shouldn't a doctor do it?
- No, he said I could do it.

Okay, here goes.

This is very exciting. Very exciting.
It’s like watching a birth.

It looks good.

- Great job.
- You got butchered.

Head hurt.
No, I’m good. I’m fine.

Let's put him over here.

- Where are you going?
- To that doctor.

Wait, wait, wait! I’ll go with you.

How you feeling?

Too much salt in my diet.

- Can I get you anything?
- I’m good.

You sure? Anything.

No.

Boy, it really didn't come out
too well, did it?

No, it didn't. No, it didn't.

It’s, like, all dented.

Seems to be.

Well, I’m sure
they'll be able to fix it.

You can't stop modern science.
Can't stop it. Can't stop science.

Can't be stopped. No way, no how.
Science just marches...

Shut up, George.

- Shut up?
- Yeah.

Interesting.

Come on, Kramer.
Seriously, give me her number!

- I threw it out.
- You're lying.

- You've got it. I want the number.
- I threw it out.

- Give it to me.
- You said not to.

- You made me promise.
- I changed my mind. I want it.

You said no matter what,
I’m not to give it to you.

- I was lying. Give it to me.
- You told me not to.

- I want the number!
- All right! You want it? Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah.
Yeah, look at you.

Look at what you've sunk to.

Look at what you've become.

Look in the mirror, because you
need help, Jerry. You need help.

Because I can't stand by and do it
anymore. It’s turning my stomach.

I can't stand around here
watching you destroy yourself!

It’s eating me up inside!

The doctor said they need to build the
lateral wall of the septum. Over here.

Yeah.

- You see this paranasal sinus cavity?
- Oh, I got it.

See how it's collapsed?
That's what's causing this huge dent.

Yeah. Rough, rough.

So anyway, you know what
I was thinking about?

What?

Remember we talked
about taking a trip together?

- We did?
- We talked about going to Hawaii.

- Hawaii?
- Anyway, I think it would be great...

to get away after all this.

Well, you...

You know, Hawaii could be
a little tricky now.

There's high-pressure winds
down there this time of year.

There's a lot of debris
constantly flying around, a lot of...

wood and lava.

It could be dangerous.

- I never heard that.
- Oh, yeah. My friend lived there, so....

We could go to the Caribbean.

I have to tell you something.
You couldn't get me on a plane now.

I get those FAA reports directly.

My uncle sends them to me.
He used to be a pilot, so....

Big investigation in the....

What's the word there?
Offing. It’s in the offing.

But you shouldn't let that stop you
from going. You could go. I don't mind.

- George?
- Yeah.

I don't think this is working.

Ever since you came back from
the Army, you've changed.

I swear, Nelson, I don't even know
who you are anymore.

I’m Nelson.

- That's not the line, Jerry.
- All right, all right, I’m sorry.

Nothing's changed, Elma.
I just need more time.

I swear, Nelson, sometimes at
night when you're not around...

I just go crazy thinking
about you.

Well, you just need to relax.

Maybe a hobby. Bowling is fun.

Yeah, bowling's good,
if you're really gross and ugly.

Uh-oh. My organs
are playing chess again.

I’m getting tired of this. What do you
say we play one for all the marbles?

Oh, brain, what are you doing?
You cannot beat me.

Do you have any idea who you're
dealing with? Forget about it.

I can't take her anymore.

- I hate reading her little acting scenes.
- Oh, so what?

So you read from a little play.

You can't put up with that for an hour
to make me happy? You're so selfish.

Give me one hour.

Then I will take over. You won't
have to think for the rest of the night.

What about tomorrow morning?

Do you have any idea what
that's like for me? Do you care?

No, you don't care.

So long as you get to do
whatever it is you do.

- You disgust me.
- Oh, go read a book.

Enough chatter. Let's play.

I’m only doing this because
you took Audrey to the hospital.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, now, you're clear?
You got everything?

- Yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait.

Here.

- What do I need this for?
- Because we're engaged.

We're engaged?

Kramer, this is too big.

- It’s my mom's.
- Hello!

Oh, hi. I’m Wanda Pepper.
I’m Albert Pepper's daughter.

My father asked me to pick up
his jacket for him.

Hello, Miss Pepper.
It’s a pleasure to meet you.

And you must be
Professor Von Nostrand.

Yes. Yes, I am.

I’ve read your book, professor,
and I was quite intrigued by it.

- Yes, well, it's very intriguing.
- Tell me...

is it your contention that
Shakespeare was an imposter?

- My contention?
- Your contention.

- Well, yes, that's my contention.
- I heard him contend that.

It’s too bad about your father.

- It was a frame-up.
- A fine man. He spoke often of you.

He's very proud of the work
you're doing.

- We're all proud of the work I’m doing.
- Yes, she does fine work.

Your father gave me strict orders
not to turn the jacket over to anyone...

but I suppose I can make
an exception in your case.

- The closet's this way.
- How kind of you.

You know, your father has a very
extensive wardrobe.

Yes.

What's the matter, fella?
You look a little tired.

Nelson, don't you see?

You are a part of me.

And l....

I am a part of you.

She's killing me.

That's your move?

- Yeah.
- Well, that's trouble, my friend.

That's big trouble.

Checkmate.

Getting weak. Losing power.

You haven't seen the last of me.
I’ll be back.

You're nothing without me.
Nothing.

Little punk.

Isabel, I don't think this is working.

Daddy certainly does have
an extensive wardrobe.

He is a fine dresser. I don't have to tell
you he's quite popular with the ladies.

My father? Really? I had no idea.

They're crazy about him.

One in particular came around
about two years ago.

Looked a lot like you, professor.
Could have been your mother.

What was her name again?

Carter? Kramer. That's it.

Babs Kramer. Nasty woman.

Many a night I had to
throw her on the street...

- drunken stumblebum.
- You don't say.

- I found it!
- She walked around here half-naked...

sucking Colt 45 from a can.

Her big, fat stomach hanging out,
orthopedic hose up to her knees...

screaming down the hall:

"Come back to bed, Albert,
you big hairy ape!

And bring back that box of Danish!"

- So I grabbed the guy by the collar.
- Yeah, and I yelled out:

"Kramer, Kramer, you're killing him."

- So I assume the jig was up.
- Yeah, pretty much.

But look.

Yes.

- Hi. Here are your keys.
- Hi. Thank you.

- Hello.
- Audrey.

My God, you look incredible.
I can't believe it.

Well, it was his doctor.
He was wonderful.

So will I see you later tonight?

Not sure.

Well, I’ll check you guys out later.

- Ready?
- I didn't wash.

Neither did l.

We're off to the reggae lounge.

My nose, my nose.
My kingdom for a nose.

Isn't she beautiful? Her nose
is in such perfect proportions...

to the rest of her face.
She's breathtaking.

- Who would have thought, she's...?
- Elaine...

shut up.

The technical term
for a nose job is...?

- Rhinoplasty.
- Rhinoplasty.

Rhino. Okay?

Do we really need to insult the person
at this moment of their lives?

They know they have a big nose.
That's why they're coming in.

Do they really need the abuse
of being compared to a rhinoceros...

on top of everything else?

When someone has a
hair transplant, they don't go:

"We're going to perform a
cue ball-ectomy on you, Mr. Johnson.

We're going to attempt to remove
the skinheadia...

of your chromedomus,
which is what we...

The technical term...."