Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Stranded - full transcript

So I was in the drugstore trying to get
a cold medication. You ever try this?

It's an entire wall of medications.

"All right, all right, okay.
What the hell am l...?

This is quick-acting,
but this is long-lasting.

When do I need to feel good?
Now or later?"

It's a tough question.

Then the commercials on TV
show you what's wrong with the guy.

They always show you the problems.
They show you the human body...

which is usually this guy:.

No face, mouth open.

This is how drug companies
see the public.



And he's always in, like,
a certain pain.

Like, red, wavy lines are going
through him...

or he's glowing.
Parts of him are on fire sometimes.

Lightning is attacking him.

I never had a doctor say,
"Are you having pain?

Are you having any lightning
with the pain?"

How did you get fleas?

My cousin's imbecile dog was outside
and they got in his carpet.

Maybe you could get yourself
a little bow tie flea collar.

That's real funny.

So are you coming to the party?

I'd go, but Long Island,
it's so far out.

It smacks of desperation.

Everyone's gonna be saying:



"You came all the way out
from Manhattan for this?"

- You know, Ava's gonna be there.
- Who?

The nice one that works
in my office.

- I'll drive!
- Oh, well, now you're talking.

Supposed to be a good party.

Well, what does that mean?
Good dip?

No. There'll be girls there.

There's girls everywhere!

I go out and there's girls
in the elevator.

They're in cafeterias, subways.
So what?

There's a hundred
different things here.

What's the difference
between these two?

- You got propylparaben?
- Got it.

You got isobutane 30?

I got isobutane 20.

You got sorbitan sesquioleate?

- Got it.
- I have aloe.

You got aloe? I love aloe.

Where do they make yours?

- Jersey.
- White Plains.

Girls.
There's girls right here in the store.

Look. Look. There's one over there.
Look.

There's another one.

As soon as I walk outside,
there'll be girls.

What's the matter?

I gave her a 20,
she gave me change for a 10.

Are you sure?
Oh, boy. Here we go.

Excuse me.
I gave you a $20 bill...

and you only gave me
change for a 10.

- You gave me a 10.
- I'm positive I gave you a 20.

I know what you gave me.

You owe me $10.

Will you please step aside?

- Next!
- All right, all right.

Let's just examine the situation
for a second.

Who, in this situation, would be
more likely to make a mistake?

Me, who had access to my wallet,
knew exactly what was in there...

- or you?
- You.

No, no, no. See, you're not
really listening.

- What's the problem here?
- There's no problem.

She just owes me $10. That's all.

- He's claiming short.
- Let's just take it outside.

Oh, so you don't believe me either?!

- Come on. Let's go.
- All right. You haven't won.

You may think you've won,
but you haven't won. Know why?

It's not over. This is not over.

I'm not forgetting what's happening
here. You have my $10.

I will get it back. All right.
Don't worry.

And it's not over.
I'm going now.

Goodbye. I will be back.

Well, don't stand here.
Let's walk in.

Blend in. Blend in.

No, let's survey first.
Camp here.

Ava.

What could possess anyone
to throw a party?

I mean, to have a bunch of strangers
treat your house like a hotel room.

- Guess who just sold 129 West 81st.
- Oh, no, you didn't.

- Get out! When?
- Yesterday.

- I don't believe it.
- Ask Mark.

Mark, is this true?

Yeah, this has got "disaster"
written all over it.

How did I let you talk me into this?
I must have been out of my mind.

Listen, let's keep an eye
on each other.

In case one of us gets
in a bad conversation...

we should have a signal
so the other one can get us out of it.

- How old are you?
- Thirty-six.

What's the signal?

How about this: chicken wing.

No, no, no. I got a better one:

Head-patting.

Whatever you want.

You came all the way out
from Manhattan for this?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

So, what do you do?

- I'm a comedian.
- Are you?

Let me ask you something.
Where do you get your material?

- I hear a voice.
- What kind of voice?

A man's voice. But he speaks in
German, so I have to get it translated.

How come you keep tapping
your head?

It's a nervous tick.

I'm on L-dopa.

On the other hand, you take a guy
like George Washington Carver.

The man devoted his whole life
to the peanut.

Imagine having so much passion
for something.

You know, people tell me
I'm a funny guy.

I've often wondered if he ever worked
with the pecan.

Yeah. Me too.

Now, is that considered a nut?
I know the cashew is a legume.

- How's it going?
- Great. How about you?

I can't believe
what's happening here.

She hasn't taken her hands
off me all night.

She was always friendly around
the office, but that was it.

- How do you account for this?
- I don't know.

Maybe a safe fell on her head.

Well, she obviously
liked you all along.

No. I would have picked up on it.

I can always tell. Women always
somehow let you know.

With me, they could torture me,
I wouldn't tell them.

I try to make them think
I don't like them.

Then they think,
"Oh, this guy's not even looking.

He must have something
going for him."

Anyway, I'm ready to go.

- Now?
- Well, if not now, when?

- Give me a half-hour.
- Okay. Half-hour.

Peanut brittle, peanut butter,
peanut oil....

Can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, excuse me.

What have you been doing? I've
been smacking myself senseless.

People think I'm a mental patient.

Hey, I was dying over there.

This guy's going off on the peanut.

Now, pay attention.

Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club.

- You talk about everyday things, right?
- Right.

Yeah. I remember you.

I wonder what happened
to my fianc?.

I know he's here somewhere.

Ellen, have you seen my fianc??

- He's upstairs.
- Are you going upstairs?

Tell my fianc? I'm looking for him.

I have lost my fianc?,
the poor baby.

Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

What?

The dingo ate your baby.

You ready?

Listen, l...

have a tremendous favor to ask.

I do favors.

- I think something's happening here.
- What?

I think she wants me
to take her home.

- What should I do?
- Go. What can you do?

- What about you and Elaine?
- We'll get a ride.

- You're sure?
- We'll be fine. What did she say?

She told me she...

She told me she wants me
to make love to her.

- What? She said that?
- Yeah.

- Get out of here.
- I swear.

- What did you say?
- I....

- Oh, I can't.
- Come on. What did you say?

- Please, it's, it's....
- What?

"l...."

"l...."

"l long for you."

- "l long for you"?
- I was so shocked...

- I was lucky I said anything.
- It's okay. That's not bad.

I don't like when a woman says
"Make love to me." It's intimidating.

The last time a woman said that to me,
I wound up apologizing to her.

- Really?
- That's a lot of pressure.

"Make love to me."
What am l, in the circus?

- What if I can't deliver?
- Oh, come on.

I can't perform under pressure.

That's why I never play anything
for money. I choke.

I could choke tonight.

And she works in my office.
Can you imagine?

If she goes around telling everyone
what happened....

Maybe I should cancel.
I have a very bad feeling about this.

- George, you're thinking too much.
- I know, I know. I can't stop it.

Well, right now I'm reading
manuscripts for Pendant Publishing.

Pendant? Those bastards.

Excuse me.

Listen, George is going home
with this Ava from his office.

Really?

What a world.

- So we can go now.
- No, he's taking the car.

- What are we gonna do for a ride?
- I don't know.

- You don't know?
- Maybe Kramer can come pick us up.

Great. Oh, this is great.
How could you let him take the car?

There's nothing I could do.
It's part of the code.

All plans between men are tentative.

If one man should suddenly have
an opportunity to pursue a woman...

it's like these two guys never met
each other ever in life.

This is the male code.

And it doesn't matter how important
the arrangements are.

Most of the time, they screw up
a space shuttle mission, it's because...

one of the astronauts met someone
on his way to the launch pad.

They hold that countdown.

He's leaning against the rocket:

"So when I get back, what do you say
we get together for some Tang?"

Oh, look at what she's wearing.
You see what she's wearing?

Yeah, yeah, all right.

I can't believe
she's walking around in that.

- Just don't make a scene.
- Hey, is that real fur?

- Oh, boy.
- It better be.

Or my ex-husband owes me
an explanation.

Good night.

You don't care that innocent,
defenseless animals...

are tortured so you look good?

Could we talk about this
some other time?

- Are you a vegetarian?
- Here we go.

Yeah. I eat fish occasionally.

- So you're a hypocrite.
- Hey!

I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.

Anyway....

- Talk to me when you stop eating fish.
- Fish don't feel any pain.

How do you know?
Do you communicate with fish?

Well, they're not kept in little cages.

- Ever seen a goldfish?
- Goldfish!

Yeah. Yeah, I've seen goldfish.
They're not unhappy.

Right. Swim around a bowl
for two weeks...

and get flushed down the toilet.
That's a good life.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

Go ahead. Go ahead.
Maybe you can run over a squirrel!

Yeah, well, that's why we're here
in America.

- You're beautiful.
- Call Kramer.

All right.

Excuse me.
This is your party, right?

- No. I just live here.
- Can I use your phone?

What's in it for me?

- A bigger bill.
- Go for it.

Kram, Sein.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm stuck out here
on Long Island.

What are your thoughts
about taking a ride?

You're sure?

Okay, but don't leave me
hanging here.

Okay, great.
Let me give you directions.

You sure you don't need any help?

No, not really.

I'm sure he'll be here any minute.

I want them out of here.

- Call him again.
- I called. What should I do?

We really appreciate this.

It's 2:00 in the morning.

Oh, you got the Civil War book.

I saw some of that show.
It was wonderful.

620 million people died.

Thousand.

Thousand! 620,000.

The horror. The horror!

The wife keeps giving us dirty looks.

Are you sure you gave him
the right directions?

- You sure there's nothing we can do?
- No!

I am not going to bed
with them in our house.

This is ridiculous.

You know, a friend of my father's
used to live right around here.

Mike Wichter.

He sold plastic straws.

You know the ones?

You could bend them.

Have you noticed? People don't use
straws as much as they used to.

You know, it doesn't look
as if your friend is coming.

Oh, he's coming.

Maybe you should take a look
at a train schedule.

That's him.

I'm going to bed!

- Thanks a lot.
- Thanks.

Great party.

- Hey, how you doing?
- Look who's here.

- I'm sorry.
- Hey, it's okay.

I had the directions on the seat
right next to me.

They flew out the window.

Then how did you find the place?

Well, I knew the exit
on the Long Island Expressway...

and I thought that the address
was 8713 Riviera Drive.

So I drove around...

knocking on everybody's doors
that had those numbers.

8317, 7813, 3718, 1837....

Finally, I hit it. 8173.

Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us
stay here, Steve. I really owe you one.

No problem.

And if you're ever in the city...

you wanna come to a comedy club,
whatever.

Hey, I might take you up on that.

Here's my address and number.

And, really, thanks again.

Well, you better zip up.

I couldn't get the top
on the convertible up.

- But it's cold out.
- Wait till we get on the Expressway.

George, I've been sick all week.
Elaine was too.

Eighty miles an hour, 40 degree
temperature for 50 minutes.

Do the math.

Yeah, maybe I will get out.

But let me just stop off
at the drugstore first.

Meet me down there in 15 minutes,
then we'll go do something.

Yeah, Selwyn's.

Okay, bye.

- Who is it?
- Mr. Pocatillo!

- Who?
- You don't recognize my voice?

- Jerry, baby!
- Do I know you?

- Boy, this comedy's frying your brain.
- I'm sorry....

See, this is the kind of lasting
impression I make on people.

- Oh, okay.
- You said if I was ever in the city.

I'm in the city!

You certainly are.

What's going on?

I'm just waiting for a lift back.
He won't be ready until 11.

I figured I'd give you a break...

see what it's like to hang out
with someone in show business.

Listen, I'm really sorry, but I'm just
on my way out to meet a friend.

Oh, come on. You can come up
with something better than that.

No, really, I just got off the phone
with him.

I understand.

Look, you can hang out here
if you want.

Don't be so enthusiastic.

- No, it's....
- I'm not gonna steal anything.

No, of course not. Just...

close the door when you leave.

- I think I can do that.
- Really, I'm sorry.

Maybe another time.

Yeah. Let's have lunch.

The guy's in my house right now.

What a mistake that party was.
I never should've gone.

- Yeah, me either.
- Oh, come on.

What "come on"? Have you ever dated
a woman that worked in your office?

- I never had a job.
- Know that anxiety you feel on a date?

That's what I have every day now.
My worst nightmare's come true.

Every day is a date.

That's one of Dante's nine stages
of hell, isn't it?

Ava was one of the reasons
I used to like work.

She was a friend.

Now we sleep together and suddenly
I don't know how to talk to her.

Every time I go to the bathroom,
I pass her desk.

I have to plan little patter.
I spend half my day writing.

Then afterwards I sit in my office
and analyze how it went.

If it was a good conversation, I don't
go to the bathroom the rest of the day.

I see her laughing
and talking with other people.

They're all so loose and relaxed.
I think:

"That used to be me.
I wanna go back there again."

- What are you gonna do?
- I have no choice.

I'm quitting.

The party, Long Island.

- Kramer, right?
- Yeah.

- Hey, what are you doing here?
- Waiting for my ride.

- Where's Jerry?
- He split.

Let me ask you something.

Is there anything to drink in here?
Or is that a stupid question?

Jerry, he doesn't have anything.

But I might have something.

I'm gonna get this.
This looks good.

- How much is that?
- $9.60.

$9.60?

Give it to me.

- Why?
- Don't worry, I got it.

- What do you mean, you got it?
- I got it.

Since when are you treating me
to medicine? What are you doing?

- You're stealing this, aren't you?
- I'm not stealing. They owe me $10.

- They stole from me.
- You're a lunatic.

I have to. It's a matter of honor.

What do you say
to a person like you?

Just walk.
You don't even know me.

Excuse me.

What do you got there?

- What?
- What do you got in your shirt?

- I was gonna pay for this.
- Come with me.

Where are you taking me?
I was gonna pay for it.

- Don't think I remember you?
- What are you talking about?

I know who you are!
I was watching you.

What are you gonna do?
You gonna call the police?

- Come on!
- Where...!

Can I still buy this
or is this evidence now?

So I'm chasing these doves
down the street...

and she's screaming
at the top of her lungs...

and then when the magician
comes back from Europe...

two of them turn brown!

Well, I followed the instructions!

They turned brown!

- Brown!
- Brown!

So let me ask you something.
You know any women we could call?

Not really.

Maybe we should call
one of those escort services.

Yeah.

I saw one of them advertised
before on the cable station.

555-LOVE.

- Are you in on this?
- Oh, no, no.

I got a girl in the next building.

Now, I want my money, mister!
And I ain't leaving till I get it.

Now, I am through
playing games with you.

I got things to do.

Oh, Jerry, Jerry.

Look who's here. It's Jerry.

What the hell...?

- Jerry, this is Patti.
- Nice to meet you.

A pleasure to make
your acquaintance.

What the hell is going on here?

I don't know,
but I gotta do this more often.

There's my ride, finally.

I'm not gonna go anywhere
until I get the rest of my money.

See you, Jer, and tell Kramer thanks.
I'll call him tomorrow.

Oh, Kramer.

Yeah, he's a hoot.

Goodbye, my dear.

Weekend of the 26th, come on out.
We're having another party.

I ain't leaving.

- Patti.
- You got anything to drink?

- All right, how much does he owe you?
- $50.

Fifty dollars....

- Is this your apartment?
- Yeah, but...

- You're under arrest for solicitation.
- Oh, wait a second. I....

I have chicken soup.

Is that real fur?

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, boy.

You had Sergeant Chadway?
Me too.

- He was a nice guy.
- Oh, great guy.

Was there a redheaded guy there?

- The one with the long sideburns?
- Yeah!

- Where does he come off?
- I know.

There's no call
for that kind of attitude.

One of the guys in my cell
threw a piece of gum at him.

We all hated him.

There's two types of favors:
big favor, small favor.

You can measure the size
of the favor...

by the pause that a person takes
after they ask you to "do me a favor."

Small favor, small pause:
"Do me a favor? Hand me that pencil."

No pause at all.

Big favors are:
"Could you do me a favor?"