Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Tape - full transcript

Jerry has used a voice recorder at his most recent gig so he can listen to some of his new material. A woman has added her own voice-over to part of the tape and for Jerry, George and Kramer, it is the most erotic thing they have ever heard. Elaine thinks it's all very funny since she's the woman on the tape. While Jerry frantically tries to track the mysterious woman down, Elaine tells George the truth and he is suddenly infatuated with her. George has also ordered some hair growing cream from china but it has a particularly bad smell.

The transplant, the hair plug...

is really quite amazing.
Hair on your shower soap yesterday...

can be in your head tomorrow.

How do they do the transplant?

Did they have the guy take
a shower, get his soap...

rush it in by helicopter?

You know, keep the soap alive
on the soap-support system?

Then eventually move it over?

"We got the hairs,
but I think we lost the Zest."

Sometimes the body
rejects the transplant...

with organs. Is it possible
that a head could reject...

a hair transplant?

The guy's just standing
around. Suddenly:

It lands in someone's
frozen yoghurt.

You see, the gaskets
that you have here...

are asymmetrical.

- Really?
- So I took off the motor relay...

on the compressor because
you've got some discoloration.

- Oh, whatever you have to do.
- I was working...

with one mount at a time.

You know, because
you don't want to disturb...

the position of the compressor.
- No, you don't.

Hey, what are you listening to?

My show from last night.

- Oh, you taped it?
- Yeah, I was doing some new material.

Did you ever do that thing
on the toes that I said?

You know, how, like, the big toe
is, like, the captain of the toes.

But sometimes the toe
next to the big toe gets so big...

that there's, like,
a power struggle.

And the second toe assumes
control of the foot.

- The coup d'é-toe.
- Yeah.

- Did you do it?
- Yeah.

- So?
- Nothing.

Nothing at all.

- I need the phone.
- Who you calling?


- China?
- Yeah, I'll pay for it.

- What for?
- What for?

I'll tell you what for.
For hair.

- Hair?
- The Chinese have done it, my friend.

- The Chinese have done it.
- Done what?

- Discovered the cure for baldness.
- Did you see that last night?

It was on CNN. This
Chinese doctor, Zang Zhao...

has cured baldness.

- What's this?
- Oh, I just got it.

Spector gave it to me.

He's giving everything away.

He's becoming a minimalist.

Is that the guy
who likes fat women?


Doesn't the fat fetish conflict
with the minimalism?

You. You should have watched
that report on CNN last night.

I did. I'm trying to call China.

You can't call China now.

It's like, what, 3:00
in the morning there.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Oh, God.


Oh, brother.

I can't believe
what I'm hearing.

This woman's talking to me
on my tape recorder...

while I was on stage.

This is wild.

I never heard
anything like this. Listen.

I want to slide my tongue
around you like a s...

Oh, my God.

- Let me hear.
- Wait, wait, wait.

- Who is this woman?
- I don't know. I have no idea.

I was just listening,
and she came on.

This is like a Penthouse letter.

- Why can't I meet women like this?
- Come on.

Wait! Wait!

- Where was the tape recorder?
- Back of the room, on the ledge.

She must have been sitting
right in front of it.

- My God.
- All right, come on.

- It's my turn.
- All right. All right. All right.

- How you gonna find out who this is?
- Good question.

Where's the volume?

What do the Chinese
have to gain...

by faking a cure for baldness?

If it was real, they'd never
let it out of the country.

Imagine no baldness.

It would be like
a nation of supermen.

- Hi, boys.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- What's happening?

Tell her.
I want to hear her reaction.

This woman left this sexy
message on Jerry's tape...

Not that, you idiot!

- What?
- The Chinese!

The Chinese bald cure!

- Oh, I thought you meant that...
- No, I meant the bald cure.

We were talking
about the bald cure!

What did she say?


Hey, is that Beder?

I can't believe it.

Get me a cup of decaf.

So did you hear this message?

Man, it was unbelievable.

- Really?
- I can't get over it.


This woman drove us
out of our minds.

Like, how did she sound?

She had this throaty,
sexy kind of whisper.

Really? Like... Like:


I want to slide my tongue
around you like a snake.

Oh, my God.



That was you!

- How did you...?
- I stopped in the club to see him.

I was standing in the back
while he was on.

There was this tape
recorder there.

And I got this impulse.

- What?
- No, nothing. Nothing.

Now listen, promise me
you won't tell him.

I want to have
a little fun with this.

I had no idea you
were filled with such...


Oh, that was nothing.

So listen,
what about this bald thing?

Some bald thing, a bald thing.
I don't know. It's nothing.

- Remember Beder?
- Beder?

Yeah, you remember Beder.

I told you he went
to the track that one time...

and he was yelling
at this jockey.

And the jockey got off the horse
and started chasing him.

So listen. What about this girl
on your tape recorder?

Oh, Elaine.

What do you think an enraptured
female fan of mine might say?

I don't know.

She went on in some detail
about certain activities...

illegal in some states,
for consenting adults.

Things you would
know very little about.

- Oh, really?
- Well...

this type of thing
is very common...

when you're in show business.

So, what? You gonna ask her out?

No, she didn't leave
her name or number.

Bummer. Okay.

Good luck finding her.
I'm taking off.

- Where are you going?
- Home.

What are you going home for?

I just came from the gym...

- Unless I can shower at your place.
- Sure.

Oh, my God.

Oh, man.

I don't get it.

Why would a woman do that and then
leave no way to get in touch with her?

Maybe she realized
she couldn't have you...

and jumped off the
George Washington Bridge.

Yes. Operator.


- Why are you doing this?
- Why do I do anything?

For women.

Elaine, have you ever
gone out with a bald man?

- No.
- Know what that makes you? A baldist.

Oh, this I need.

Hello, is this
the hair restoration clinic?

Yeah, yeah.
Does anyone speak English?

You're taping.

Just be yourselves.

Oh, okay.

Well, we're talking
with Elaine Benes...

adult film star...

on the set of her new picture...

Elaine Does the Upper West Side.

Hi, how you doing?

Well, I'm doing fine.

Do you speak English? English!

Oh, here's the director,
Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry, you discovered
Elaine Benes.

Well, yes I did. That's true.

Couple of guys I knew
in the Coast Guard told me about her.

And I sensed that she had
the anger and intensity...

that I needed
to make this film work.


Does anybody speak English?

Nobody speaks English.

So, what scene are you getting
ready to shoot now, Elaine?

In this scene, my co-star,
who's right over here...

Follow me. Is George Costanza.

And he plays an airline pilot...

who's just returned from Rome.

And I'm about to show him
how much I've missed him.

That's my Chinese food.

So, George, is this your
first movie with Elaine?

I don't know.

So, Elaine, in your movies,
is the sex real, or is it simulated?

Oh, it's always simulated...

except with George.

That's in my contract.

All right, Kramer.
That's enough.

That's enough. Yeah, hello?

Yeah, hello?


Does anyone speak English?

- How much do I owe you?
- $15.90

- $15.90?
- Excuse me?

- Do you speak Chinese?
- Chinese? Yeah.

Oh, look!

I'm on with Beijing
at the hair restoration clinic.

Could you talk to them for me...

and tell them
I'd like to place an order?

They've got a billion people over
there. He found a relative.

If you send money,
they send cream.

They send me. All right.

Ask them, does it really work?

They say you grow hair.
Look like Stalin.

Ask them,
are there any side effects?


Oh, funny.
He's a funny guy, yeah.

Get a money order
from the Bank of China.

Be here three days
after they get check.

All right, thank you. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Kind of an expensive call.

Thanks for driving me home.

What did I do to deserve this?

You do plenty.

So, what are you doing?
You're... You're going in.

Well, yeah. I guess so.

Why, you want to do something?

Yeah, I don't...
I don't know. What?

There's really nothing to do.

Yeah, no. There's...
There's nothing.

Can you think of anything?

No, no. Not really.

I am up for anything.


I have to say...

you were really good
doing that porno thing.

You're... You're talented.

I was just kidding around.

That thing you said about
the sex not being simulated...

That was really funny.

Yeah, that was fun.

So I'll speak to you
through Jerry and everything.


- Thanks a lot for the ride.
- Yeah, anytime.

Thanks a million. I appreciate this.

You're sure this was
the woman at the table...

where I had my tape recorder?

Okay, great.

Thanks, again. Bye.

Who do these women
think they're dealing with?

Did she think she was gonna leave
this incredibly erotic message...

on my tape,
and I was just gonna let it go?

Not bloody likely.

What is that?

- It's my cockney accent.
- No, no. That's no good.

Let's hear yours.

Not bloody likely.

That's the worst cockney accent
I ever heard in my life.

Hey, Georgie boy,
guess what I got.

Guess what I got.

Oh, is that the bald stuff?

From China.
All the way from China.

Wait, wait.
Let me get the camera.

No, don't get the camera.
We don't need the camera.

I know you're sceptical,
but I believe in the Chinese.

Yes, I am sceptical.

Why do you have to be
so suspicious of everyone?

This is a great man, Zang Zhao.

He wants to help bald people.

Wait, wait. Let's videotape
your head for the before picture.

So we can watch
how it grows and stuff.

- Here, sit down.
- All right.

All right, lean back.

A little bit to the right.

Now make sure
you get this area here.

- That's where he needs help.
- All right.

Well, he's a happy camper, huh?

Happy camper. Yeah,
I don't hear that expression enough.

Remember that guy
who took my jacket?

The one I found
at my mother's house?

- Yeah.
- My mother told me...

that he got arrested
for mail fraud.

- No kidding.
- Yeah, he's in jail.

What about the jacket?
He take it with him?

That's what I intend
to find out.

Well, you can see it.

Are you gonna
walk around like that?

And it stinks.

Can you smell that?

You stink.

How long are you supposed
to leave it on for?

All day.

- Hello?
- Hello, it's Elaine Marie Benes.

- Well, hello.
- Hello.

Did you find out
who that woman was?

Yes, I got her number.

- Hey, is that Elaine?
- Yeah.

Hi, Elaine!

So I guess you figure
you're in for a pretty wild night.

Well, as I said...

this type of thing is
very common in show business.

Well, listen, I'm at Arlene's.
You want me to stop by?

- Sure.
- Okay, bye.


- Did she say "hello"?
- What? Oh, I don't know.

What do you mean? She heard me
say hello. Did she say hello back?

I don't know.
Who keeps track of hellos?

Isn't it polite to say hello
when somebody says hello?

She's coming up.

- Elaine's coming up?
- Yeah, why? What's wrong?

- Where are you going?
- Nowhere, nowhere. I'll be right out.

How often do you
cut your toenails?

I would say every two and a half
to eight weeks.

Because the other night
I was sleeping with Marion...

and I rolled over, and I
cut her ankle with my big toe.

The big toe, the captain.

- What?
- The captain of the toes.

- Hello?
- Jerry?

- Yeah.
- Jerry, listen.

I got too much to do.
I can't come over. Forget it.

Oh, okay, too bad.

So when are you gonna call her?

As soon as I get off
the phone with you.

- Good luck.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- What happened? You took it off?
- Yeah. That was enough.

That's it? You gave up?

No, I'm working on a system.
Who was that?

That was Elaine. She changed
her mind. She's not coming over.

- Hello?
- Hello, is this Alisha?

- Yes.
- This is Jerry Seinfeld.

- So?
- I don't get this woman.

We're having a great time,
couple of laughs. Everything's nice.

End of the night,
I go in for contact.

I get the pullback.

This woman, she said the filthiest
things I ever heard in my life.

And I get the pullback.

- Yeah?
- It's George.

Come on up.

What is he doing here now?

So you blew it?

She must be psychotic
or something.

Let me have the number.

I'm not giving you the number.

I know how to handle
these psychotics.


What's with the hat?

Boy, you stink.

- What are you doing here now?
- I have to talk to you.

Let's take a look here,
see what we got.

Wait a second.

I think I see
something here, George.

- Let's go to the videotape.
- Oh, Kramer. No, no.

- What's up?
- I can't tell you now.

- He'll be back in 10 seconds.
- Start it.

- I can't.
- Oh, come on.

He'll be over there for a half-hour.
He gets lost over there.

- Come on. What is this about?
- All right.

I've become attracted to Elaine.

All right.

- Sit down.
- Could we do this later?

No, I got the tape right here.

Kramer, let's do this later.

Okay, now...

This is the tape
that we made earlier.

And I think...

that I see a couple of buds...

right here.

- Really? You think?
- Yeah.

Kramer, I would like to talk
to George for a minute, please.

- About what?
- It's kind of private.

Like the big toe captain? What?

- Oh, so you're doing my bit?
- I'm not doing the bit!

All right. Okay, all right.

I'm gonna take
a look at this, huh?

- Does she know?
- No.

- How did it happen?
- I can't say.

- Well, why can't you say?
- Because I promised her.

- I thought you said she doesn't know.
- She doesn't.

- So how can you promise her?
- Because she asked me to.

What is this,
an Abbott and Costello routine?

All right, you really want to know?

It all started
when she told me...

that she was the voice
on your tape recorder.

What? Elaine?

Yeah. She made me promise not
to tell. It was supposed to be a joke.

- That was Elaine?
- Yeah, let me hear.

- Wait a second! Give me a second...
- You heard it 50 times already...

She's my ex-girlfriend.
I think I have precedence.

- Yeah?
- Hi, it's Elaine.

Is this a bad time?


Don't tell her I told you!
She'll kill me!

Okay, I promise!

Oh, man.

Oh, God.

Oh, brother.

- What's the matter?
- I got a pain in my side...

- from, you know...
- Hi, George.

Hi, how you doing?

Something stinks in here.

What are you doing here?

I was the one who talked
into your tape recorder.

I know. George told me.

- You told him?
- He threatened me.

Where did you come up
with all that stuff?

- Oh, that was nothing.
- Elaine...

- I have to tell you something.
- George, no.

- No, no.
- George, I'm telling you...

What is it?

I'm very attracted to you.

I found a hair!


Okay, come here. Come here.
Take a look at this.

Ever since I found out that you left
the message on Jerry's tape recorder...

- That was you?
- It was a joke.


Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

Elaine, I can't believe
that that is you.

I think I'll get going.

Stick around a while.

- It's early.
- We'll order Chinese.

Give me the tape.
Give me the tape.

A woman left a message
on my phone machine...

with kind of a breathy voice.

No matter what a woman says, if it's
in that breathy voice, you know...

"You have cancer."


Sounds pretty good.

The stewardess could lean over
and whisper in my ear:

"Would you put
on your seat belt.

We're about to go
into a mountain."

I'd go, " Really, so
what are you doing later...

by the ruptured remains
of the fuselage?

How about some peanuts
over by the black box?

I'll meet you there."