Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 7 - The Cafe - full transcript

Jerry has become fascinated with the new café that's opened across the street. The owner, Pakistani immigrant Babu Bhatt, has few if any customers. He suggests that rather than the somewhat bland menu currently on offer he offer an all Pakistani menu. George's girlfriend meanwhile wants him to take an IQ test and when Elaine says she has an IQ of 145 he gets her to take the test for him with less than stellar results.

There's always one location
in your neighbourhood, one store...

that's constantly changing hands.

Everybody has this in their
neighbourhood. It's a leather store...

then it's a yoghurt shop,
it's a pet supply.

It's constantly changing.
Nobody can do business there.

It's like some sort of
Bermuda Triangle of retail.

Stores open up and then
they just disappear without a trace.

Nobody knows what happened.

Eventually, when aliens land and the
mothership from Close Encounters...

The bottom will slowly open and all
these store owners will wander out...

in a daze, going, " I thought there
was gonna be more walk-in traffic."

She thinks I'm nice.

- Women don't want nice.
- Amazing.

I haven't seen one person go in
that restaurant since it opened.

- Poor guy.
- Why is nice bad?

What kind of a sick society are
we living in when nice is bad?

What's that smell?
What are you wearing?

What? A little cologne.


- Monica wants me to wear it.
- Why didn't you say no?

I'm too nice.

Look at this poor guy. His family's
probably back in Pakistan waiting...

for him to send back money.

This is horrible.

She wants me to take an IQ test.

It's because you're stupid enough
to wear the cologne.

No. She's taking this course
in education for her master's.

It's part of her research project,
so I have to be a guinea pig.

I've never been a guinea pig.
Been a sheep, been a toady...

I can't talk to you anymore.

All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead.
You're taking the IQ test.

She's gonna find out I'm a moron.

People think I'm smart,
but I'm not smart.

Who thinks you're smart?

I won't break 100 on this thing.

- What thing?
- You don't listen anymore.

Oh, the IQ thing. Yeah.

I'm sure I have a low IQ.

I've been lying about my SAT scores
for 15 years.

- What did you get?
- What did I get, or what do I say I got?

- What do you say?
- I say 1409.

- 1409, that's a good score.
- You're telling me.

What did you really get?

- You're my friend.
- Of course.

- I tell you everything, right?
- I hope so.

Well, this I take to the grave.

He's serving Mexican,
Italian, Chinese.

He's all over the place.
That's why no one's going in.

Why do you keep watching?

I don't know. I'm obsessed with it.

It's like a spider in the toilet,
struggling for survival.

And even though you know
he's not gonna make it...

you root for him for a second.

Then you flush.

Well, it's a spider.

Sometimes people
won't go in a place...

if they don't see anyone else
in there.

Do you have to do that? Jerry, don't
do that. That is so annoying.

Bazooka Joe.

- The buzzer?
- It's your house.

My house. You gotta be on the lease
to press the buzzer.

- Yeah?
- It's George.

Come on up.

- Casus belli.
- What's that?

It's Latin. I read it in some book.
I just wanted to say it out loud.

Come on, go in.

Go in.

- Have you gone in there?
- No. I'm afraid we'll start talking...

and I'll wind up going partners
with him.


I could probably shoot him from here.
I'd be doing us both a favour.

I'm wearing some cologne, all right?

Sure. Fine.

Casus belli.

Casus belli.

- What's that?
- Since when do you wear cologne?

Why is what I do so important?

Why must I always be the focal point
of attention?

Let me just be. Let me live.

- How'd you do on that IQ test?
- I didn't take it yet.

- What IQ test?
- What's casus belli?

- Oh, it's nothing.
- Is it about me?

Why must you always be
the focal point of attention?

Why can't you just be?
Why can't you live?

It's just a Latin phrase. It does not
mean anything. Now, what is this test?

This woman he's dating is making him
take this IQ test for this course.

- Oh, that sounds like fun.
- Yeah, fun.

IQ tests are totally bogus.
They prove nothing.

- You'll do well. You're smart.
- No, see, he's not smart.

People think he's smart,
but he's not.

What did you get on your SATs?

It varies.

- I don't even know my IQ.
- Mine's 145.

- One forty-five!
- Get out of here.

- You get out of here.
- You get out of here.

Maybe you should take the test for me.

That would be something,
cheating on an IQ test.

Remember in college when you
passed Lettick the test...

out the window?

- You became a legend after that.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I really had some guts
back then.

- Why don't we do it again?
- What?

You could take the IQ test for me.

I'll pass it to you out of a window.
She lives on the first floor.

- You serious?
- Why not?

Where would I take the test?

She lives around the corner.
Take it here or go to the coffee shop.

- No, too noisy.
- Take it at the Dream Café.

You won't hear a peep.

- Hey, what do you think?
- Hey, I love a good caper.

Yeah, that's what it is, isn't it?
A caper.

You'll do it?

- What the hey.
- Yeah! Beautiful!


- Welcome to the Dream Café.
- Well, I've been looking forward to it.

How did you hear about us?

People. People are talking.

Smoking or nonsmoking?
We are proud to offer both.

- Nonsmoking would be great.
- Very good.

My name is Babu Bhatt.
I will be your waiter.

A steaming hot, folded face cloth
for your pleasure.

- Thank you.
- Our specials are tacos...

moussaka and franks and beans.

Well, what do you recommend,
my good fellow?

- The turkey.
- Well, the turkey it'll be.

May I say you have a splendid
establishment here, my friend.

I'm sure you'll flourish at this location
for many, many years.

You're a very kind man.
Very kind. Thank you.

Very kind.

Very kind. I am a kind man.

Who else would do something
like this? Nobody.

Nobody thinks about people
the way I do.

Snap out of it, you stupid jerk.

You're eating a turkey sandwich.
You want a Nobel Prize?

You go in the living room,
I'll take the test in here.

But why?

I won't be able to concentrate
in front of you.

I think you're making too much of this.
IQ tests don't mean anything.

Are you kidding me?

This is the best tool we have today
of measuring a person's intelligence.

Well, I certainly don't place
any importance on it.

Well, I think you're wrong about that.

And now, if you'll excuse me,
I'd really like to get started, please.

- Good luck.
- Don't need it.

What's going on?
I've been here 20 minutes.

I'm sorry. Here's the test.
Thanks for doing this.

- What time do you want me back?
- Twenty to 3.

- Okay.
- Thanks again.

And don't settle for 145.
You can do better. You're a genius.

Thank you, Babu.

You have quite a flair. You are
quite the restaurateur, I must say.

- It is indeed my pleasure.
- Oh, please.

Welcome to the Dream Café.

- Our specials today...
- Oh, no, no. I'll just have tea and toast.

- Tea and toast.
- Eat something! Babu.


Well, I'll have the rigatoni.

Oh, very good choice.
Very good.

So you got the test. You're cheating.

I know.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, boy.

Jerry, let me ask you something.

- Hi, Elaine.
- Hey.

This guy leaves this jacket
at my mother's house two years ago.

She hasn't spoken to him since and
now he says he wants the jacket back.

- So?
- Well, I'm not giving it back.

Why not?

Because I meet a lot of women in
this jacket. They're attracted to it.

Why do you think my mother
went out with him?

- You all right?
- Yeah. Okay.


Anyway, it's been two years.

I mean, isn't there, like, a statue
of limitations on that?


- What?
- Statute of limitations.

It's not a statue.

No, it's statue.

Fine. It's a sculpture of limitations.

Wait a minute. Just wait a minute.
Elaine. Elaine.

Now, you're smart. Is it "statue"
or "statute" of limitations?

- Statute.
- Oh, I really think you're wrong.

Kramer, I have to take this test.
I don't have a lot of time.

What test?

- An IQ test.
- Why are you taking an IQ test?

- It's for George.
- George?

Look, can I explain it to you later?

But why are you taking
an IQ test for George?

Would you please?!

- Is it for a job or something?
- Later!

- You're positive it's statute?
- Yes! Yes!

Welcome, welcome.
A steaming hot face cloth...

- George?
- Yeah?

The door's locked.

Oh, it's locked?

I need to get something.

Monica, I'm really focused here.
This stuff's a killer.

- George!
- Wish I could.


If you don't mind...

- I'll get this.
- Oh, my God! It's all over the test!

- I'm terribly sorry.
- Oh, man!

- I'm out of time, anyway.
- Please forgive me. Please.

Go ahead. I'll take care of it.

Please, I'm very sorry.

Tell your friends.

It's all right.
She was cheating anyway.

You're a very kind man.


- You're Pakistani, right?
- Yes, Pakistani. Yes.

Babu, may I say something?

Of course. You're very smart man.
I listen.

I am not a restaurateur by any means,
but it occurred to me that perhaps...

you might serve some dishes
from your native Pakistan...

as opposed to, say,
the franks and beans, for example.

- There are no Pakistani people here.
- It doesn't matter.

You would have the only authentic
Pakistani restaurant...

in the whole neighbourhood.


You see everything, don't you?

Well, you know, not everything.
I do what I can.

I close down today. And when I open
again, it will be a Pakistani restaurant.

Thank you. Thank you so much.
You're a very special person.

Very special.

I am such a great guy.

Who else would've gone to the
trouble to help this immigrant?

I am special. My mother was right.

Of course, I've never had
Pakistani food. How bad could it be?

- It was an accident.
- What, did you go on a picnic?

Babu Bhatt did it.

Babu Bhatt?

- How am I going to explain this?
- Time's up, George.


- Here you go.
- How did you do?

- Piece of cake.
- What happened to the test?

What? Oh, I spilled some food on it.

Food? What food?

What are you talking about?

Where did you get food?

- From my pocket.
- Your pocket?

I had a sandwich in my pocket.

- And coffee?
- Yeah. Had some coffee, yeah.

- Where did you get the coffee?
- Where did I get the coffee?

Where do you think I got the coffee?
At the grocery store.

- How did you get there?
- I walked.

How did you get out?
I didn't see you leave.

- I climbed out the window.
- You climbed out the window?

- Of course.
- Why didn't you go out the door?

The door?

Why would I go out the door?
The window's right here.

You're a fascinating man,
George Costanza.

The average person sees a situation
like this...

they walk right by it.

- Not me.
- You're very special.

Hey, do me a favour.

Some guy comes looking for me,
tell him you don't know where I am.

Of course. I always do.

No, no, it's that guy. He's really
been bugging me about the jacket.

- Just give it back to him.
- He'll have to kill me.

- Hey, Georgie!
- I'm coming up.

How did you do on the IQ test?


- What?
- Eighty-five, Jerry! 85 IQ.


Well, well, well...

He's coming up?

Well, I'm no genius...

but according to my calculations,
he should be here in a few seconds.

Yeah, but an 85?
Jerry, that's ridiculous.

Well, maybe the test
was gender-biased.

You know, a lot of questions
on hunting and testicles.

Oh, hello, professor.

- George, I cannot believe...
- Please.

- No, there's gotta be a mistake.
- You should have seen her face.

It was the same look
my father gave me...

when I told him I wanted
to be a ventriloquist.

But an 85?

Listen, there were too many
distractions there.

Babu whatever his name was.
And Kramer. I couldn't concentrate.

It was a madhouse.

Jerry, it was.

- Let me take it again.
- Forget it.

Oh, come on. Come on.
I'll guarantee you 140.

- What do you have to lose?
- You could do worse!

No. No, come on. I guarantee it.

- All right, I'll ask her.
- Okay. Now, where am I gonna take it?

Take it here. I'll leave.
There will be no distractions.

Well, congratulations, my friend.

Sorry I missed the grand reopening.
I was out of town for about a week.

You see how I listen?

I work very hard, borrow more money.

I think it's fantastic. It has
a certain indefinable charm.

- You wish to eat?
- Let me tell you something, Babu.

You go back in that kitchen,
tell your chef I want the works.

Very good.

Very good?

No, not very good...

very great.

I am very, very great.

The IQ tests always have that
sample question at the beginning...

where they show you how
to fill in the circle.

This should be the first
elimination point right there.

Anybody goes outside that circle:

"You wanna come with us, please?
Yeah, you're done. Your test is over.

You went outside the circle, okay?"

- What are you doing?
- Quiet. Don't say anything.

- What's going on?
- Hey, Kramer! I saw you go in there!

I'm not leaving till you
give me that jacket!

- Open up, Kramer!
- What did you come in here for?

Well, I thought I'd throw him off.
See, he knows where I live.

Look, Kramer, I have to return
this test. I've gotta get out of here.

- I thought you took the test.
- I had to take it again.

- How come?
- What's the difference?!

- Well, you can't leave now.
- What?

Come on, Kramer,
I want that jacket back!


Come on, George, open up.

- Well?
- How you doing?

Where's the test?

You know, it's the damnedest thing.

I went out the window again
to get a cup of coffee...




you know, I've gotta tell you,
I never do this, but the shrimp...

it's just a little stringy.

- You have any chicken?
- The shrimp is stringy?

- Well, maybe you refrigerated...
- Quiet!

- No, l...
- You shut up!

You make me change restaurant,
but nobody come!

You say make Pakistani. Babu Bhatt
have only Pakistani restaurant.

But where are people? You see
people? Show me people!

There are no people!

- I think I'll just take the check.
- You bad man!

You very, very bad man.

Bad man? Could my mother
have been wrong?

Are you looking for George?


Kind of.

George left.

Is that the test?



- Here you go.
- Thanks.

I hope you do a lot better this time.

Actually, I think I did.

The first time,
I couldn't really concentrate.

You know what it was?
Bad location.

Come on, let's not stand here
too long. We might run into her.

Aren't you cold?
Where's your jacket?

- Oh, sorry.
- I'm going upstairs.

Hey, guys. I just ran into Monica.
You know what my IQ is?

One fifty-one.

- One fifty-one?
- Yeah.

That's a good score.

So, what are you up for?
How about Mexican?

- Italian.
- No, Chinese.

You know what would be great?

It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look
at your professional good-deed doers:

Your Lone Rangers, your Supermen...

your Batmen, your Spider-Men,
your Elastic Men.

They're all wearing disguises. Masks
over their faces, secret identities.

Don't want people to know
who they are. Too much aggravation.

thanks for saving my life...

but did you have
to come through my wall?

I'm renting here. They got a security
deposit. What am I supposed to do?"