Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 15 - The Suicide - full transcript

I'm going to get
a physical examination.

That urine sample. Giving them that,
that's always a pleasure, isn't it?

Then there's always
the amount question:

"I don't know what you need.
I gave you whatever I had there.

I got more. Whatever you need,
I can get it for you.

Just let me know what you need.
It's no problem, I mean..."

But any kind of physical test,
I don't know what it is...

I always click into this thing
where I wanna do really well.

If it's gonna be a physical test,
I wanna do well.

Remember in school,
they'd do hearing tests?

And you'd really be listening,
you know...



trying to really...
Trying to do well, I wanna do well.

I wanted to do unbelievable
on that test.

I wanted them to come to me
after the test and go:

"We think you may have something
close to super hearing.

What you heard was a cotton ball
touching a piece of felt.

We're sending the results
to Washington.

We'd like you
to meet the president."

Let me ask you a question.

If you named a kid Rasputin...

do you think that would have
a negative effect on his life?

No.

What are you doing?
We're going out to dinner.

Do you realize this is the last meal
I'm gonna have for three days?

- Yeah.
- George.



Come on up.

I never heard of this. You gotta fast
for three days to take an ulcer test.

- How will you do that?
- I don't know.

How could I possibly have ulcers?
Who could have given me ulcers?

I think I'll take out the garbage.

Have you ever fasted?

Well, once I didn't have
dinner till, like, 9:00.

I'll tell you, that was pretty rough.

Hey. Do me a favour, will you?

Throw out my garbage for me.

Yeah. Right.

Come on. It's just down the hall.

Give me 2 bucks.
I'll do it for 2 bucks.

I'll give you 50 cents.

There's no way I'd touch that bag
for less than $2.

Come on, 50 cents. You can
get yourself a Drake's Coffee Cake.

You're not getting no
Drake's Coffee Cake for 50 cents.

I'm all set. I got the ticket. I'm going
to the Cayman Islands Friday.

I don't get you. Who goes
on vacation without a job?

What do you need, a break
from getting up at 11?

It's a deal. I don't know
why you don't come with me.

I don't go for nonrefundable deals.

I can't commit to a woman,
I'm not committing to an airline.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How are you?

Gina, do you know
Drake's Coffee Cake?

The plain cake with the sweet
brown crumbs on the top.

- Right. How much do they cost?
- The junior?

- No, the full-size.
- No, junior.

- You didn't say "junior."
- I haven't had one since I was little.

Really?

You should be ashamed of yourself.
I want you out of here.

- How you doing?
- Good enough.

- Boy, she's sexy, isn't she?
- Yeah.

- Do you believe that guy?
- What guy?

- My neighbour.
- That creepy guy?

- Did he think I was flirting with her?
- He didn't seem too pleased.

Maybe I'll get a steak
with French-fried onion rings.

Hey, you know what?

I just remembered something.

I had a dream about that guy
last night. This is amazing.

- Amazing? You've seen him before.
- I haven't seen him in months.

What was the dream?

He was doing standup comedy
in Kennebunkport, Maine...

in this really ominous nightclub.

The stage was on a cliff
and the audience...

was throwing all the comics off.

I think I've played there.

I've had a lot of paranormal stuff
happen to me.

You're a little paranormal.

Name one paranormal thing
that happened to you.

- I knew I was gonna be bald.
- Your father's bald.

Baldness is inherited
from the mother's side, Jerry.

But your mother's bald too.

George, you know,
my friend goes to a psychic.

- Really?
- We should go sometime.

I'd love to go.
Make an appointment.

Psychics, vacations.
How about getting a job?

- I just got fired.
- All right. Let's get out of here.

I wonder what Gandhi ate
before his fast.

I heard he used to polish off
a box of Triscuits.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah. Gandhi loved Triscuits.

Who is it?

- Who is it?
- It's Gina!

- Who?
- Martin's girlfriend.

- Martin?
- Your next-door neighbour.

Oh, Martin!

It's Martin. I think he's dying.
He tried to kill himself with pills.

- What?
- Come on.

- Let me get my robe.
- We do not have time.

- Two seconds.
- There's no time.

- We don't have two seconds?
- All right, go ahead.

- No, forget it.
- No, go ahead.

- No, I'll just wear the pyjamas.
- Just get it!

- Are you sure?
- Forget it. Come on.

No, I'll go get the robe.

It's not too bad. It's not
like a Sunny von Bülow coma.

Doctor said he should
snap out of it any time.

You know why he did this?
Because I told him it was over.

- I did not want to see him anymore.
- Really? It's over?

I could not stand it another minute.

Yesterday, he turned over
a hot dog stand...

because he thought
the man looked at me.

Then, after he saw you in the hall...
He was crazy with jealousy.

Oh, boy.

Did he say anything about me?

He does not like you.

And all indications are he does not
like Drake's Coffee Cake.

- He said that?
- He was screaming about it all night.

How it's too sweet and
it falls apart when you eat it.

I'm sorry if I caused any trouble.
I was just being friendly.

I wasn't.

You weren't?

No. I have thought
about you many times.

- Have you thought about me?
- Of course.

Tell me everything.

Are you sure
he can't hear anything?

Martin.

Martin!

I wish he was not in a coma.
I wish he was dead.

I would like to pull the plug out
from him!

I would wait on that one.

I know how you feel,
but juries today...

you never know how
they're gonna look at this.

I saw you looking at your watch.
You want to leave? Go ahead.

- I wanted to see what time it was.
- Are you afraid of him?

- No.
- Then kiss me.

- Here?
- Yes, right here.

Is this the proper venue?

- You don't want to?
- No, no, I want to.

I very much want to. I desire to.
I pine to.

Then kiss me right in front of him.

I can't! What if he wakes up?

A man is lying here unconscious
and you're afraid of him?

What kind of a man are you?

I'm a man who respects a good coma.

If it was one of those
in-and-out comas, maybe.

But when a guy's got a coma
going like this...

you don't wanna mess with it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Did you hear about Martin?
- Yeah, I heard.

I can't believe he's in a coma.
He's got my vacuum cleaner.

I loaned it to him, he never
returned it. The carpets are filthy.

- What am I gonna do?
- Who told you about Martin?

Newman.
He's good friends with him.

Bigmouth Newman.
I should have guessed.

He's got all my attachments,
you know.

Let me ask you something.
How long do you have to wait...

for a guy to come out of a coma
before you ask his ex-girlfriend out?

Oh, Gina?

Why wait?
Why not just call Dr. Kevorkian.

I don't get that
whole suicide machine.

There's no tall buildings
where these people live?

They can't wrap their lips around
a revolver like a normal person?

What's going on
between you and Gina?

Well, I went with her
to the hospital last night.

So we're in the room and she's trying
to get me to kiss her in front of him.

That's the great thing
about Mediterranean women.

All right. So, what did you do?

- Nothing.
- What kind of a man are you?

The guy is unconscious, in a coma...

and you don't have the guts
to kiss his girlfriend?

I didn't know what
the coma etiquette was.

There is no coma etiquette.

See, that's the beauty of the coma.
It doesn't matter what you do.

So you're saying his girl, his car,
his clothes, it's all up for grabs.

You can just loot the coma victim.

I give them 24 hours to get out of it.

They can't get out of it
by 24 hours, it's a land rush.

So if the coma victim wakes up
in a month...

he's thrilled. He got out of the coma.

- He goes home, there's nothing left?
- Nothing left!

That's why I'm trying to get that
vacuum. Somebody's gonna grab it.

Martin's spirit came to you
as a warning.

Why would he come to George?

Because George has heightened
extrasensory perception.

Faithy, get your finger
out of your nose!

- I knew it. I always felt different.
- You are. Some coffee cake?

- Drake's?
- Yes.

- Did you buy this for me?
- No, why?

Because I love Drake's Coffee Cake.

- Maybe I did.
- Take it away.

She hasn't eaten in two days.

- Who's Pauline?
- Pauline?

Wait a minute. Oh, my God.

My brother once impregnated
a woman named Pauline.

- You think about her?
- When I hear her name.

Cut these with your left hand.

There was a woman. Audrey.

She had a very big nose.

I see an Audrey,
but with a small nose.

Yes, yes. She had a nose job.

I loved her very deeply.

Will she ever speak to me again?

Not in this life.

- Should you be smoking?
- Does it bother you?

- You're pregnant.
- Elaine.

I smoked when I had Faithy.

What? What?

I don't know about this trip, George.

You can see the Cayman Islands
in there?

Is something gonna happen
to me? What?

It's really bad for the foetus,
you know that?

She's a psychic.
She knows how the kid's gonna be.

Should I not go on this trip?

George...

I am going to tell you something
and I want you to really hear me.

Now, listen, I just don't know
how a person, with everything...

we now know about prenatal care,
can put a cigarette in her mouth!

- What are you doing?
- It's disgusting.

- I don't need this!
- Look, please!

- I would like you both to leave.
- Oh, fine.

Well, I don't like to be around people
who are just so irresponsible.

- Get the hell out.
- A plane crash?! A heart attack?!

Lupus? Is it lupus?

Do you want me to call the super?
He was an Israeli commando.

If you don't say anything,
I'll assume it's a plane crash.

- Get out.
- Not a plane crash.

Is it a plane crash?

Psychics should be licensed.

And it wouldn't be hard. We could
just give them the regular DMV test...

only with the silver dollars and
the pizza dough over the eyes.

If you can do the parallel park
like that, you're a psychic.

We can test these people,
no question about it.

Like Kreskin. Instead
of just hiding his check...

why don't we try
stopping his check.

Let's see how he handles that.

I do not like your toothbrush.

There are no bristles.

You can say what you want
about me...

but I'll be damned
if I'm gonna stand here...

while you insult my toothbrush.

It is too small for someone
with such a big mouth.

Let me ask you...

what will you do if Martin
wakes up? Run away like a mouse?

No, more like the Three Stooges
at the end of every movie.

Who are these Stooges
you speak of?

They're a comedy team.

Tell me about them. Everything.

Well, they're three funny-looking guys
and they'd hit each other a lot.

- You will show me the Stooges?
- I will show you the Stooges.

- When?
- Well...

I don't really know where
the Stooges are right now...

but if I locate them,
you'll be the first to know.

Come. You walk me to a cab.

Well, I...

I don't want you to get upset
or anything...

but with Martin and all, maybe it's
not a good idea to be seen together...

in the building,
because he had a lot of friends.

You are still afraid.
You are not a man.

Well, then what are all those ties and
sport jackets doing in my closet?

Are you going to walk me
to a cab or not?

Yeah, all right, all right.

- Why don't you just eat fruit.
- Fruit makes me incontinent.

I don't want you eating over here.

Hello, Gina. Hello, Jerry.

Hello, Newman.

Do you think Newman
would tell Martin if he wakes up?

What kind of sicko would do that?
He could kill me.

People smoke, Elaine.

My mother smoked.

It didn't hurt me.

Did you guys see that wall move?

Boy, it's a good thing we came.

Could there be a native problem
in the Caymans?

Maybe there's native unrest.

Hi. I haven't eaten in three days.

I was wondering how much longer
it would be till I get my X-ray.

We'll call you.

George, I want you to promise me
something. If I'm ever in a coma...

in the first 24 hours, get everything
out of my place and put it in storage.

- How come?
- Looters.

How do we know the dog food's
any good?

Who tastes it?

She is really hungry.

- Hey.
- Kramer.

Well, Newman's upstairs
visiting Martin.

Would you buy
my Cayman Island ticket?

- You're not going?
- No.

- Why not?
- The psychic said...

something terrible will happen.

I dig.

I want my vacuum cleaner!

Martin, I know you can hear me.

Look, my mother's coming to visit me.
She sees that rug, she's gonna kill me.

He can't hear you, you idiot.
Why don't you just buy another one.

Why would I buy another one when
I spent 100 bucks on this one?

I have a carpet sweeper
you can use.

I don't want a carpet sweeper.
They don't do anything.

It gets my rug clean.

The carpet sweeper
is the biggest scam...

perpetrated on the American
public since One Hour Martinizing.

You should take a look
at my rug, then.

I wouldn't set foot in your house.

- Hello.
- Hey.

Hello, Jerry.

- How's he doing?
- Well, he looks happy to me.

I hope he stays this happy
when he wakes up.

- Why wouldn't he?
- No reason.

He'll have a lot of catching up
to do, I guess.

I'll bring him up to date.

- How up to date?
- All the way up.

Nothing could change your mind?

Well, it would take a lot, because
a friend is something you earn.

Jerry has a friend who has free tickets
to the Cayman Islands this weekend.

He's not going.

I don't care much for the beach.
I freckle.

- Is that a...?
- Drake's Coffee Cake.

Where did you get that?

From my house.
I got a whole box of them.

Boy. That's the full-size.

That's your big boy.

Can I have a bite?

I don't like to give out bites.

I got another one...

but I'm saving it for later.

Just one bite?

I don't think so.
You know, they're so fragile.

All right! All right.

I won't say anything.

- You swear?
- I swear.

- On your mother's life?
- On my mother's life.

But here it was...

mountains of duck.

And not fatty duck either,
but juicy, tender breasts of duck.

- Beautifully sliced...
- Faithy!

Sweetheart, no, don't run!

You could take
as much as you want...

Sweetheart! Sweetheart! Faithy!

Hi. Hi! What are you doing here?
How did I know you were here?

Something drew me here.
This is phenomenal.

The nurse said she'd be back.

Supposed to take me
to the delivery room.

Oh, that's great. That's great.

I have to apologize for my friend
the other day...

Friend? I don't even
know that woman.

I met her on the way over.
I couldn't get rid of her.

I tell you, my psychic instincts
were a little off...

- Where's the nurse?
- I'm sure she'll be right back.

Sweetheart, why don't you
run and get a nurse for Mommy.

I was just curious. The other day
you said something about my trip.

- Don't take that trip.
- Yeah! Why? Why?

- Because... Because...
- All right, Rula. It's time to go.

Yeah, because...? Because...?

Assassins! How dare they keep
a person waiting like this!

Drake's Coffee Cake?

- Give me that!
- Jerry, you better stop her or I'll tell!

Elaine, no! No!

Are there terrorists on the plane?
A hotel fire, is that it?

Typhus? Malaria? Yellow fever?
Lupus? Is it lupus?

They did it right in this bed, Martin.
Right in front of you.

- I want my vacuum cleaner!
- I can explain!

It was disgusting!

What are you doing?
We're going to dinner in 10 minutes.

I never assisted in a birth before.

It's really quite disgusting.

- What did she name the kid?
- You wouldn't believe it.

Rasputin.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- When did you get back?
- A couple hours ago.

- So how was it?
- George...

I would like to thank you
for the greatest four days of my life.

They were shooting the
Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue...

right in the hotel pool.
Not only that...

the hotel opened up an area
on the beach for nude bathing...

and all of the models
went down there.

I am on the next blanket
from Elle Macpherson.

We played backgammon nude.

- Oh, she's a sweet kid.
- Nude backgammon...

with swimsuit models!

Oh, you know what? The second day
I was there, I stepped on a jellyfish.

It stung my foot. That's probably what
Rula was trying to warn you about.

- You gotta watch for the jellyfish.
- Yeah.

What's this?

It's an invitation to a housewarming
for Martin and Gina.

- They moved in together?
- Yeah, some place in the Village.

- Yeah.
- It's Elaine.

All right, we're coming down.

- Where you going?
- We're taking Elaine to dinner.

She's gotta start the fast again.
You wanna go?

I'd like to, but a bunch of us
from the islands are getting together.

- Elle Macpherson gonna be there?
- I gotta call her back.

The thing I don't understand
about the suicide person...

is the people that try
and commit suicide...

for some reason, they don't die,
and then that's it. They stop trying.

Why?

Why don't they just keep trying?
What has changed? Is their life better?

No. In fact, it's worse,
because now they've found out...

here's one more thing you stink at.

That's why these people don't
succeed at life to begin with.

Because they give up too easy.
I say pills don't work, try a rope.

Car won't start in the garage?
Get a tune-up.

You know what I mean?

There's nothing more rewarding than
reaching a goal you've set for yourself.