Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Pez Dispenser - full transcript

Women put on perfume
in an interesting way.

Ever notice that, guys?

They have their little key,
Stratego little areas.

Places they think we're going.

And they always hit this one.

Women are convinced...

that this is the most action-packed
area that could ever happen...

in the dating world.

What is that, ladies?
What is happening here?

Is that in case you slap the guy
or something?

He still finds you intriguing?



"Oh, Chanel!"

She's a pianist, a classical pianist!
She plays the piano!

She's a brilliant woman!

I sat in her living room,
she played the Waldstein Sonata.

The Waldstein!

We did a crossword puzzle
together in bed.

It was the most fun I ever
had in my entire life!

Do you hear me? In my life!

You know?

Were you talking?
I couldn't hear anything.

I was telling you about Noel.

Oh, Noel, yeah.
The one that plays the bongos.

So sidesplittingly funny.

All right, I'm sorry. What about her?



You think I'm gonna repeat
the whole thing?

You told me you like her.
Everything's going good.

No, everything's not going good.

I'm very uncomfortable.
I have no power.

Why should she have
the upper hand?

For once, I'd like the upper hand.
I have no hand, no hand at all.

She has the hand. I have no hand.

- Hand me that, would you?
- Yeah.

How do I get the hand?

We all want the hand.
Hand is tough to get.

You gotta get the hand
right from the opening.

She's playing a recital at
the McBierny School.

I got two extra tickets.
You and Elaine could go.

Yeah, that sounds like something.

Then afterwards, maybe we could all
go out together.

You know, she'll see me
with my friends.

She'll observe me
as I really am, as myself.

Maybe I can get some hand that way.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

Hey, smell my arm.

- What?
- Smell it. Smell it.

With all due respect,
I don't think so.

- Jerry, smell.
- That smells good. What is that?

- The beach.
- The beach?

Did you go swimming?
It's 29 degrees.

No, I just joined the Polar Bear Club.

- You joined the Polar Bears?
- What the hell's a Polar Bear?

These people go swimming
in the winter. They're terrific.

I just took my first swim today.

- It's invigorating.
- Yeah...

so is shock therapy.

- What is that, a PEZ dispenser?
- Yeah. You want one?

I just bought it at the flea market.
You want one?

Hey, what goes on there, exactly?

You don't know?

No, I know. I know.

You think they have fleas there,
don't you?

- No.
- Yes, you do, Biff.

You've never been,
and you think they have fleas there.

All right, I think they have
fleas there. So what?

- Here, you want this?
- You don't want it?

- No, I bought five of them.
- Wow, great. Thanks.

I don't know how anyone does this.
This must be so nerve-racking.

How do they warm up their fingers?

They have a piano backstage
they warm up on.

No. We would have heard it.

You think they just crack
their knuckles and come out?

- I told her we'd go out afterwards.
- Sure.

Don't applaud when she stops playing
the first time. It's not over yet.

I really resent that.
That's directed at me, isn't it?

Is this okay? Can I do this?

Oh, God.

Something I said?

It's John Mollica.

Oh. Oh, John. Oh, hi, John.

- Hi.
- What are you doing out here?

I was just at this recital...

and Jerry put this PEZ dispenser
on my leg...

and I just started laughing.

- Jerry's in there?
- Yeah.

- I heard you guys broke up.
- We did. We're just hanging out.

Really? Boy...

you really look great.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, are you still friends
with Richie Appel?

Oh, Richie? He's been doing comedy
in L.A. for a couple of years.

He just got back a month ago.

He's kind of messed up on drugs.

I don't know what to do.

Have you thought
about an intervention?

- What's that?
- You get all his friends in a room...

and they confront him
to try to get him into rehab.

It's a very popular thing now.

Well, he'd never listen to anyone.

Except, of course, Jerry.

He'd listen to Jerry.

Jerry would have to be involved.

He really respects Jerry.

I'm sorry, George. I'm sorry.

What did you put the PEZ dispenser
on her leg for?

- I don't know. It was an impulse.
- What kind of a sick impulse is that?

How could I know she'd start to laugh?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am.

- Could we go in already?
- What are we gonna tell her?

- I'll tell her I was the one who laughed.
- No, don't say a word.

If she thinks my friends are jerks,
then I'm a jerk.

Remind me to talk to you
about something.

- What about?
- Hey, we're discussing something.

I know, but I'm distracted now.

What are you, a baby?

All right, tell him.

When I was outside,
I ran into John Mollica.

- Really? John Mollica?
- Yeah.

The guy that used to bartend
at the comedy club.

- How's he doing?
- He's good.

Could we cut to the chase?

"Cut to the chase"?

- Yeah.
- What are you, Joe Hollywood?

A lot of people say it.

I would lose that.

What's that?

"Lose that"? That's not
a Hollywood expression.

Yes, it is.

Anyway...

So John told me that Richie
is in town from Los Angeles...

and he's really
messed up on drugs.

So I told him
he should do an intervention.

- Really? An intervention?
- We got a situation over here!

- But he wants you to be a part of it.
- Why me?

He says Richie really respects you,
and he would listen to you.

These things are really hard to load.

All right, okay. All right, I'm going in.

- We got to talk about this.
- All right.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

- You were wonderful. Wonderful.
- No, no.

These are my friends,
Elaine and Jerry. Noel.

You play a hell of a piano.

Yeah, I was really moved.
Really moved.

Didn't you hear that person laughing?

I couldn't play. I was humiliated!

I'm sure it wasn't at you.

Well, then what was she laughing at?

- PEZ?
- No, thank you.

Did you see her?

Me? No, I...

Anyone who would laugh
at a recital...

is probably some sort
of lunatic, anyway.

I mean, only a sick, twisted mind
could be that rude and ignorant.

Well, you know, maybe some
mental defective...

put something stupid on her leg.

Even if this so-called mental defective
did put something on her leg...

she's still the one who laughed.

I'll never forget that laugh
for the rest of my life.

I'm sure she would apologize
if she could.

Probably someone
is holding her back...

maybe against
every fibre of her being.

If she wants to continue to have a fibre
of her being, she'll be very careful.

- Don't hit me.
- Stop it.

All right. So you ready?

We'll go out,
and we'll have a bite to eat.

I don't feel like it tonight.

- We'll be outside.
- Yeah.

It was nice meeting you.

By the way, how do you warm up
your fingers before you play?

I just crack my knuckles.

Come on, we'll have a good time.

- Well, I'm really not in the mood.
- Come on...

I said, I don't feel like it.

All right...

I'll... I'll call you.

I'll call you,
and we'll talk on the phone.

Have a telephone communiqué.

So, fine. Everything's fine.
Everything good?

Good. I feel good. Fine.
That's fine. That's good.

Okay. Okey-doke.

You know, I think Kramer might
have been indirectly responsible...

for getting Richie
involved in drugs.

What? How?

A few years ago, the comedy club
had a softball team.

Kramer was our first baseman.

You couldn't get anything by him.
He was unbelievable.

Anyway, this one game, we came back
to win from, like, eight runs behind.

So Kramer says to Richie:

"Why don't you dump the bucket
of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head?"

- The club owner.
- Yeah.

So Richie goes ahead and does it.

- So? What happened?
- What happened?

The guy was, like, 67 years old.
It was freezing out.

He caught a cold, developed
pneumonia, a month later...

- he was dead.
- Shut up.

All the comedians were happy...

because he's one of these
club owners nobody liked.

But Richie was never the same.

- What about Kramer?
- He's the same.

Are you sure you want me, John?

I mean, I haven't spoken
to Richie in two years.

I don't have a good apartment
for an intervention.

The furniture,
it's very nonconfrontational.

All right, all right. Goodbye.

Remember Richie Appel?

Oh, sure. The guy I told to pour the
Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?

Right. John Mollica is organizing
some kind of intervention for him.

We're having it here.

Can I get in on that?

What do you think,
it's like a poker game?

- Is Elaine going?
- Yeah.

Well, I knew him as well as she did.

Yeah, but John invited her.

So wait, you don't want me
to intervene?

No, intervene, go ahead.
Intervene all you want.

I'm just afraid you might be interfering
while we're intervening.

- Yeah?
- It's George.

Come on up.

Stop smelling your arm!

You know, I got a great idea
for a cologne.

It's called "The Beach."

You spray it on, and it's just like
you came home from the beach.

A cologne that smells
like the beach.

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but that's not a bad idea.

Tell me about it.

Why don't you call Steve D'Giff?

He works in the marketing department
at Calvin Klein.

In fact, he's a good friend
of John Mollica and Richie, also.

Okay.

Well, it's over. It's definitely over.

- She broke up with you?
- No, but she's going to.

I can sense it. We had this
terrible phone conversation.

I was so nervous before I called,
I made a list of things to talk about.

What was on the list?

Let's see.

"I'm very good
at going in reverse in my car.

Why isn't Postum
a more popular drink?"

Yeah, Postum is underrated.

Anyway, there was all this tension.

I asked her if she wanted
to go out to dinner...

and she said,
"No, maybe we could have lunch."

- You know what that means.
- What's wrong with lunch?

Lunch is fine at the beginning,
then you move on to dinner.

You don't go back to lunch.
It's like being demoted.

I'll never do a crossword puzzle
with her again, I know it.

I like the jumble.
You ever do the jumble?

I have no power, you understand?

I need hand! I have no hand!

- Why don't you break up with her.
- What?

Break up with her.
You reverse everything that way.

A preemptive breakup.

A preemptive breakup.

- This is an incredible idea.
- Yeah.

I got nothing to lose.

We either break up,
which she would do anyway...

but I go out with some dignity...

or I completely turn the tables!

This is absolutely brilliant!

So I'm afraid I...

am gonna have to
break up with you.

- You're breaking up with me?
- Yes.

I...

am breaking up with you.

- Wow.
- Shocked?

- I really am.
- Never expected this, did you?

- I thought everything was fine.
- Well, live and learn.

Well, I don't understand.
You didn't enjoy being with me?

Didn't we have fun
doing the crossword puzzle?

Kind of.

- I'm very confused.
- Well, I didn't mean to hurt you, kid.

- I thought...
- Now, stop it, please.

What do you want?
I know I can make you happy.

When you're playing the piano...

do you think about me?

- I don't know.
- This is what I'm talking about.

Okay, I'll think about you.

- All the time?
- All the time?

- You know...
- Okay, all the time.

- I can't hear you.
- All the time!

See? It's not so hard.

Go ahead. Smell. Smell it.

- Yeah? So?
- Now, you recognize it?

I don't know.

The beach.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, I'm talking about the beach.

What about it?

You know the way you smell...

when you first come home
from the beach?

Well, I want to make
a cologne that captures...

the essence of that smell.

Oh, yeah.

That is the dumbest idea
I've ever heard.

Whoa, wait a minute. You...

Did you hear what I just said?

You think people
are gonna pay $80 a bottle...

to smell like dead fish
and seaweed?

That's why people take showers
when they come home from the beach.

It's an objectionable, offensive odour.

So you don't think
that it's a good idea?

The membranes get dry,
and it just starts bleeding.

Since I was a kid, so I have to
stick a tissue up there.

You have to work like that?

Yeah. Nobody minds.

Nobody's ever said anything to me.

- There any ice cubes?
- Whatever's in the freezer.

I looked. I don't see any ice cubes.

Well, then I guess
there's no ice cubes.

I can't drink this. It's warm.

John, shouldn't we rehearse this...

before Richie comes?
What's the plan?

Do I have to talk?
I don't want to.

If he's not gonna talk,
then I don't want to.

- No, we all have to talk!
- What's the order?

Alphabetical order.
You're first, Roberta.

- Why am I first?
- Albano's your last name.

- Not anymore. I'm divorced.
- I'll go first.

- Oh, hey!
- Hey.

- Is this the interference?
- Intervention.

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, is it all right if I stay?

He can't stay.
This is for close friends only.

Hey, I'm a friend.

Who told him to pour the Gatorade
over Marty Benson's head?

- Oh, let him stay.
- Yeah.

Hey, I got somebody to make up
that cologne for me, bigmouth.

Somebody's going to make that crap?

- Kramer!
- Hey, you guys! All right!

Come on in. These are some
of my Polar Bear buddies.

- They can't stay.
- You're having a party here?

No, we're having an intervention.

An intervention? Who's intervening?

He's a friend of ours on drugs,
and we're gonna confront him.

Sure. We used to do that...

when one of our Polar Bears stopped
coming. We'd go to his house:

"What, you don't want to be
a Polar Bear anymore?

- It's too cold for you?"
- It's him!

- What do we do?
- Hide!

It's not a surprise party!

- Yeah?
- It's George.

Come on up.

It's not him.

You don't wanna go out with me
because I'm a bartender, right?

Look, you know, I don't really think
that this is appropriate right now.

Is it because I have a tissue
in my nose?

- You're getting warm.
- Hey, we just...

We just came from Chadway's.
What's going on?

The intervention.
We're waiting for Richie.

Right, the intervention.
Should we leave?

- Well...
- Elaine, hi.

Hi, Noel.

Well, you're looking well.

Jerry, let me tell you something.

A man without hand is not a man.

I've got so much hand,
I'm coming out of my gloves.

I gotta thank Kramer.

Even if I were dragged
through manure...

I still wouldn't put that stuff on.

This man is a genius! A genius!

- You think so?
- I don't think so, I know so.

Come here. I gotta talk to you.

The male kangaroo
doesn't have a pouch.

Only the female has it...

so the male has pouch envy!

"Why should she have
this huge pouch and I have nothing?

I have things to carry too.

At least give me a pocket."

That laugh. That's the laugh.

- That's it! You're the one!
- No, no.

No, it was an accident.
It wasn't my fault! It was Jerry!

Jerry put a PEZ dispenser
on my leg!

You put a PEZ dispenser
on her leg during my recital?

- I didn't know she would laugh.
- And, you...

You lied to me, George.
You lied to me!

No, l... I didn't. What did I do?

Where are you going?

I am breaking up with you.

You can't break up with me.
I've got hand!

And you're gonna need it.

Noel!

- Hey, Richie!
- Hey, Richie.

So, what's going on?

So we start the intervention,
and it's pretty ugly from the get-go.

He's not listening, he's hostile,
he's talking back.

I can't do these puzzles.

So he starts to get up.

Suddenly, he spots the PEZ dispenser
on the coffee table.

The PEZ dispenser.

He picks it up, he's staring at it.

It's like he's hypnotized by it.

Then he's telling us this story
about how when he was a kid...

he was in the car
with his father...

and his father was trying
to load one of them.

- Well, they're hard to load.
- Tell me something I don't know.

So as the father's trying to load it,
he loses control of the car...

crashes into a high school cafeteria.

- Get out.
- Nobody's hurt...

but PEZ was all over the car.

And the dispenser was destroyed...

virtually beyond recognition.

- Poor kid.
- So as he's telling the story...

he starts crying.

- What did you do?
- What do you think?

- I gave him my PEZ dispenser.
- Wow.

Two hours later,
he checks into Smither's clinic.

Talked to the doctor yesterday.
He's doing great on the rehab...

he's hooked on PEZ.

He's eating them
like there's no tomorrow.

What's a three-letter word for candy?

I can't do those things.

Jawbreakers, to me, was like
the ultimate challenge candy.

It was like candy manufacturers were
sitting in their laboratories, going:

"I wonder if they'll eat this.

This seems pretty tough to eat.

Let's market it
as some sort of experiment."

But the concept of Jawbreakers...
What was the concept?

Multicoloured cement balls
for a quarter?

Was that the idea behind it?

"Let's see if we can hurt them.

Let's see if they'll pay to be hurt."

This is the idea behind Jawbreakers.

I did it, I ate them, I loved them.

"Oh, this is very painful.
I'm really hurting.

And this is hurting me a lot.
I love them."