Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Fix Up - full transcript

George is convinced he is fated never to have a relationship with an attractive, interesting woman. Similarly, Elaine's friend Cynthia is convinced all of the good men are either taken or know they're good and so not available to her. Jerry and Elaine decide to arrange an introduction for the two of them and agree to share everything they hear after their date. It turns out that they have quite a story, one that is made more interesting when the condoms Kramer got from a friend turns out to have been defective.

I never really understood...

the importance of the conductor.

Between you and me,
what the hell is this guy doing?

Do you really need somebody
waving a stick in your face...

to play the violin?
Does that really help you out?

I could see how we need him
at the beginning, okay?

Tap, tap, tap.

"Start." Okay.
I could see how you need that.

But once we're going, okay.
Once it's all happening...

what do we need him for then?

I don't see the cellist looking up,
"I'm confused. I don't know what to do."

And the conductor goes,
"Do this. Like this..."

"Oh, okay, thank you.
Thank you very much."

Why try anymore?
There's no sense to it.

I'll never meet anybody.
I should accept it.

- Oh, yes, you will.
- No, I won't.

Yeah, maybe you won't.

It's hard enough to meet a woman
you dislike, much less like.

- Are my nostrils getting bigger?
- No.

See, why must it be so difficult?
Why all this tension and hostility?

Why can't I just walk up to a woman
and say, " Hi, I'm George.

How are you? "Is that so terrible?

H... H... Hi.

Hi. Hi.

- There's no men out there.
- I know.

The problem is that the good ones
know they're good.

They know they're in demand.

They're not interested in confining
themselves to one person.

I hate the good ones.

Is Jerry a good one?

That's a good question.
I think he thinks he is.

The mediocre ones are available...

but so insecure
about not being a good one...

that they always go,
"I'm not good enough for you.

What are you doing with me?"
Eventually I just go,"You're right."

Maybe you need somebody
between good and mediocre.

No, maybe I need somebody
who has nothing.

Somebody who just appreciates being
with me because he's so desperate.

It's gotten to the point where I'm
flirting with operators on the phone.

I almost made a date with one.

Oh, so there's still hope.

I don't want hope. Hope is killing me.

My dream is to become hopeless.

The hopeless don't care.

When you don't care,
that indifference makes you attractive.

- So hopelessness is the key.
- It's my only hope.

You see, I wouldn't really mind
so much...

but I feel badly for my mother.

If my mother weren't around,
it wouldn't be so bad.

But, I'm telling you, if I'm not married
by the time I'm 40, I'll have to kill her.

Because it's the only fair thing to do.

I just couldn't put her through that.

At least you're not bitter.

Who says I'm not bitter?

- Aren't you too young to be bitter?
- No, you can be young and bitter.

Just maybe not as bitter as I'll be
10 years from now.

But I'm bitter.

Anyway, don't tell anyone.

Don't worry. Your bitterness
is safe with me.

Okay. Order me a piece of cake.

I'm gonna go throw up.

Look at my hands.


Filthy from the paper.

They should give you a Wet-Nap when
you buy one, like at those rib joints.

- What did you do last night?
- Went out with George. You?

Went out with Cynthia.

What did you talk about?

Oh, you know, the usual.
The Federal Reserve, the rain forest.

Cynthia felt we should nuke
the rain forest.

Get rid of it in one fell swoop
so we could eliminate it...

as a subject of conversation.

- What about you?
- We brushed on that.

Actually, George was in rare form.

He just can't find anybody.

I know. Cynthia too.

- She's really given up.
- George too.

- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, right.

- I've never fixed anybody up.
- Me neither.

And I am not about to
start with George.

Well, why wouldn't you start
with George?

You think she's too good for George?

I didn't say "too good," did I?

- You implied it.
- I didn't say it.

If you think she's too good
for George...

you are dead wrong. Dead wrong.

Who is she?

- Who is he?
- He's George.

- She's Cynthia.
- So what?

What, you don't think
she's beautiful?

What's with the eyebrows?

You know what your problem is?
Your standards are too high.

I went out with you.

That's because my standards
are too low.

And by the way,
women kill for eyebrows like that.

Do you know that?
Women pluck their real eyebrows...

out of their head one by one...

until they're bald, Jerry,
bald above the eyes.

And then they paint in these eyebrows
to look like that.

Well, let me tell you something
about George.

He is fast.

He can run like the wind.

And he's strong.

I've seen him lift 100 pounds over
his head without even knowing it.

You wouldn't know it to look at him,
but George can bait a hook.

- He can really do that?
- Come on, let's do it.

I think they'll really get along.

- What, are you into this?
- Yeah, come on, it's a good match.

Wait. They'll be telling us how
their dates went.

Are we gonna share
that information?


We're going to tell each other
everything? Every secret?


- What if it worked out?
- Yeah, right

Out of the question.

- Why?
- No. I'm not going to do that.

It's one step away from personal ads.

Then prostitutes.

No! No! I am not going
down that road.

What does she look like?

- She's good-looking.
- How good-looking?

- Very good-looking.
- Really good-looking?

- Really very good-looking.
- Would you take her out?

- Yes, I would.
- You hesitated.

- What hesitate? I didn't hesitate.
- Something's up. You hesitated.

I'm telling you, she's good-looking.

- What about the body?
- Good body. Nice body.

- How nice?
- Nice. Pretty nice.

- Really good?
- Really very nice and good.

- What about personality?
- Good personality.

Funny. Bright.

I don't want anyone smarter than me.

How could she be smarter than you?

All right, let's see. Let's see.
What else? What else?

What does she do?

First of all, what does he do?

He was in real estate.

He's not working right now.

Oh! He's not working?
No. No. No.

How come he's not working?

Well, I mean, he got fired.

Why did he get fired?

Oh, right. Well...

He tried to... poison his boss.

Excuse me?

It's such a long story. Seriously,
he just had some problems at work.

- Is he nuts?
- No, no, no.

He's a really, really funny guy.

What does he look like?

- Pardon?
- What does he look like?

Well, he's got a lot of character
in his face.

He's short. He's stocky.

He's fat.

Is that what you're saying,
that he's fat?


He is so powerful. He can lift
100 pounds right up over his head.

And, what else? What else?

Oh, right, well...

He's, he's kind of...
Just kind of... Losing his hair.

- He's bald?
- No.

No, no, no. He's not bald.

He's balding.

- So he will be bald?
- Yeah.

- What kind of hair?
- You know, long, dark hair.



Is it flowing? I like flowing,
cascading hair.

Thick, lustrous hair
is important to me.

"Thick, lustrous hair
is important to me."

- Is that what you said?
- Right.

Just clarifying.

Let me ask you this.

If you stick your hand in the hair,
is it easy to get it out?

Do you want to get it out?

Or do you want to not be able
to get it out?

- I'd like to be able to get it out.
- I think you'll get it out.

What about the skin?

I need a good cheek.
I like a good cheek.

She's got a fine cheek.

Is there a pinkish hue?

- A pinkish hue?
- Yes, a rosy glow.

There's a hue.

She's got great eyebrows.
Women kill to have her eyebrows.

Who cares about eyebrows?

Is she sweet? I like sweet.

But not too sweet.
You could throw up from that.

I don't think you'll throw up.

She likes to throw up.

- Has he ever been married?
- No.

Has he been close?

He once spent a weekend
with a woman.

He didn't really try
to poison his boss.

Yeah, he did.

We had an incredible
phone conversation.

We talked for, like, 20 minutes.

I threw away my notes
in the middle of the call.

I thought she had
a great voice timbre.

Is it "timbre" or "tambre"?

- I think it's tambre.
- Why'd I think timbre?

She could do voice-overs.

You didn't tell me about her voice?

- I didn't notice the voice.
- It's mellifluous.

So, Saturday night.

She had to be impressed
by that conversation.

It was a great performance.
I am unbelievable on the phone.

On the date, they should just have two
phones on the table at the restaurant.

- Hi.
- Hi!

- Out we go Saturday night.
- I know.

- So, what did she say?
- You're getting together Saturday night.

- That's it?
- Yeah.

- She didn't mention the conversation?
- No.

See? I don't get that.

We had a relaxed, stimulating, great
conversation. She doesn't mention it?

- Why not mention it?
- What?

She could have mentioned it.

All right. All right. I'll go on the date,
but that's that.

You know my friend Bob Sacamano?

- The guy from Jersey.
- He just got a job at a condom factory.

Look at this. He gave me a gross.

- What will you do with all of them?
- Oh, well...

Take some, Jerry. Grab them.

No, thanks. They look like
they came out of a cereal box.

Come on, Elaine, here.
Take half a bag.

Half a bag?

What am I, a hooker?

Anyway, they look kind of cheap.

I'll take one.

It's possible.

The problem with the condom
is still buying them.

I think we should have, like,
a secret signal with the druggist.

You walk into the store,
go to the counter. He looks at you.

And if you go like this:

He puts them in the bag
for you. That's it.

Show up there with your little
shaving cream, your little toothpaste.

"How are you today?"

"Have a nice day." "You too."

So where are they? It's 11:45.
They should be back by now.

- What did they do?
- I think they went out to dinner.

Oh, wait. I got another call.
That must be him.

- Hello.
- It's me. I just got home.

Hold on.

- It's George. He just got home.
- Yeah. I got Cynthia on the line.

- I'll call you back when I'm done.
- Remember our pact: Full disclosure.

Of course.

Yeah, go ahead.

I'm gonna tell you,
but I made a pact with Cynthia.

We swore we wouldn't tell
you and Elaine.

- You can tell. I'll vault it.
- It's in the vault?

I'm locking the vault. What? Come on.

- We had sex.
- Oh, my God, you had sex?

- How did that happen?
- I don't know.

I closed my eyes and made a move.

- At your apartment?
- Yeah.

- She didn't stay over?
- No. She left.

Listen, you can't mention
any of this to Elaine.

Cynthia will kill me. We made a deal.

Oh, my God.

He was uncomfortable
because it was our first time.

So he felt he'd perform better
if we did it in the kitchen.

- What?
- He says the kitchen...

is the most sociable room
in the house.

And he was serious.

- So how was it?
- How good could it be?

My head was on a hot plate.

I got another call. Must be Jerry.

- Oh, don't you tell him any of this.
- Yeah, okay.

- Hello?
- So, what did she say?

- What did he have to say?
- He said he had a good time.

- Her too.
- Oh, good.

- Anything else?
- No.

- You?
- No.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

- You?
- Yeah.

All right, well...

I guess everything is under control.

Yeah. Okay then.


- Good night.
- Good night.

I left three messages.
I can't believe this woman.

We have sex, she leaves 10 minutes
later, then I never hear from her again.

What kind of a person does this?

She used me. I feel cheap and violated.

- I'm gonna do something about this.
- What are you gonna do?

Never mind. Disgraceful.

Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen
floor like some kind of roach trap.

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

Sir. Whatever.

She's not gonna get away with this.

I keep racking my brain
to try to figure out what I did.

I was smart. I was funny.

I made great small talk
with the waitress...

so she could see I could relate
to the commoners.

I'm a man of the people.

- I'm gonna call her.
- Don't call.

- No, I'm calling her.
- No, Jerry, I don't want you to.

- Get away from me.
- Give me the phone.

- You wanna fight me?
- Jerry, I'm gonna kill you.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, come on, Jerry, George.
Stop it.

I'll just call her when you leave.

It's none of your business!

- It is so my business.
- Give me that!

Stop it, boys!

I don't want another word
from either of you.

- Tell him...
- Hey, hey, hey!

The next one of you that opens your
mouth, you'll have to deal with me.

I bet I know what this is about.
It's about a woman, isn't it?

- Yeah, but...
- You see!

This is exactly what they want
to do to you.

They play one against the other.

You can't let them
manipulate you like that.

- But, Kramer...
- No, no, no!

I want you guys to shake hands.

Come on, there are plenty women
out there for all of us.


Yes! You see?

Isn't that better than fighting?

You wanna fight with somebody,
you fight with me.

By the way, those condoms I gave you?
They're defective. Don't use them.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Defective?
- Defective.

How could you give me
a defective condom?

I didn't even know
they were defective.

- Didn't think you'd use them.
- What do you mean...?!

Take it easy.

Just spread out!

Don't worry. If anything was wrong,
she'd have called you.

I missed my period.

Oh, my God!

I am very worried. I am never late.

But he used a condom, right?

I know, but these things
aren't always foolproof.

Oh, no.


Was it blue?

Yeah. How'd you know?

Just a hunch.

It says "twist-off."
Twist off! Twist! Off!

Oh, hi. Soda?

No, thanks.

So tell me.

What's the problem with your little
flaky friend? She doesn't return calls?

Who are you to talk
about her like that?

She'll call him when she's
good and ready.

- You don't even know her.
- Oh, I know her.

I know her type.

Her type? What type?

The type that doesn't return calls.

I knew we shouldn't have done it.
It was a bad idea. I told you.

You told me? You pushed
this whole thing on me.

It was your idea.

I was just helping your bitter,
twisted friend.

She's not bitter.

Bitter's a judgment call.
She's twisted.

Twisted? God, I did you a favour!

You said they had a good time.
What else are you keeping from me?

- Are you calling me a liar?
- I'm calling you one if you are.

- Are you?
- Get your finger out of my face.

- Get yours out.
- I don't care.

Get out! Out! Out! Out!

Hey, hey, hey! Come on, stop it!

Come on. Break it up!

Hey, hey!

What's the matter with you?

Now, don't you two see
that you're in love with each other?

I mean, why can't you
face that already?

You're running around looking
for something not even there...

when everything you dream of
is right here in front of you.

Now why can't you admit that?

By the way, when you see George,
give him these. These'll work.

I knew those condoms
were defective!

How did you know
they were defective?!

Because! Because she missed
her period!

She missed her period?

Oh, my God!

I can't believe it.

I'm a father! I did it!

My boys can swim!

I can do it! I can do it!
I'm a father!

So he shows up. He's all out of breath.
He's dishevelled.

And tells me that whatever happens,
whatever I decide is fine with him...

and I could depend on him...

and that he'd support me
in whatever way I need.

Elaine, I was speechless.

Wow. Wow. You see?
You think you know somebody.

I said to him, " I really appreciate this,
but I just got my period."

- Yeah.
- So I asked him to come in...

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

Sorry we're late. We got so
hung up in traffic. I'm sorry.

- What happened?
- Acting.

- Very mature.
- Thank you.

- Hi, Cynthia.
- Hi.

This is a great place to sit
you got here.

Best seat in the house.
Right next to the kitchen.

Oh, stop it. Stop it.

- So, what are these?
- We ordered appetizers. Start eating.

Oh, fabulous.

This is good. Oh, this is good.

Is that salt on this?

Is there salt on this?

But have you ever fixed anybody up?

Why do we do it? Why?

You thought
they'd have a good time...

and a little power trip
for you, isn't it?

Now you're playing God.

Of course, God was
the first person to fix people up.

He fixed up Adam and Eve.

I'm sure he said to Adam,
"No, she's nice.

She's... Yes, she's very free
about her body.

Doesn't really wear much.

She was going out with a snake.
I think that's over, though."