Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Statue - full transcript

I have to tell you that I did get
some very exciting news recently.

I don't know if I should tell you
what it is, because it's not definite yet.

- Come on!
- Come on!

Well, I will tell you
what I do know so far.

According to the information that
I have in the envelope that I received...

it seems...

that I may have already won
some very valuable prizes.

Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Well, thank you.
It's very nice to hear that.

But in all honesty...

I have to say, I didn't even know
I was in this thing.



But according to the readout...

it looks like I am among the top
people that they are considering.

That annoys me about sweepstakes.

They tease you with,
"You may have already won."

I'd like once for a sweepstakes
company to have some guts.

Just tell people the truth one time.
Send out envelopes:

"You have definitely lost."

You turn it over, giant printing:

"Not even close."

You open it,
there's a letter of explanation:

"Even we cannot believe how badly
you've done in this contest."

To the right.

Boy, that took a while.

- Don't get up.
- I'd like to help, but my neck...



So how long has it been
in the basement?

Since my grandfather died.

I was supposed to send it
to my parents, but they didn't want it.

They said get rid of it,
but I felt funny.

And then I forgot about it.
It's been sitting there for three years...

until he saw it.

All right, so just take what you want,
and let's get it out of here.

What's in it?

Grandpa clothes. I can't wear them.

You want these? Knee socks.
You don't wear knee socks.

No. Go ahead.

Look at this place.
I can't wait to get it cleaned.

I know somebody who'll do it.

She's good, she's honest...

No, Elaine's got this writer friend
from Finland. Rava.

Her boyfriend goes to
Columbia grad school.

And he's supposed to do it.

Students can't clean. It's anathema.

They don't like it.

How long you been waiting to squeeze
that into a conversation?

Now, this, I like.

Wait a second.

I can't believe this.

- Let me see this.
- Wait, wait.

- Let me just see it for a second.
- No. Come on, come on.

- Oh, my God. It's exactly the same.
- What?

When I was 10 years old, my parents
had this very same statue...

on the mantel
of our apartment. Exactly.

And one day I grabbed it,
I was using it as a microphone.

I was singing "MacArthur Park."

And I got to the part about,
"I'll never have the recipe again"...

and it slipped out my hand,
and it broke.

My parents looked at me like
I smashed the Ten Commandments.

To this day, they bring it up.

It was the single most damaging
experience of my life.

Aside from seeing my father naked.

- Come on, I saw it first.
- Kramer, I have to have the statue.

- I got dibs.
- No dibs. I need the statue. Give it!

Spread out.

You numbskulls.

Why don't you just settle it
like mature adults?

- Potato man.
- No, no.

No potato man. Inka-dink.

Okay.

- Yeah, start with me.
- Yeah. Good, good.

Inka-dink, a bottle of ink
The cork fell out, and you stink

Not because you're dirty
Not because you're clean

Just because you kissed a girl
Behind the magazine

- And you are...
- Wait a minute. No.

It - What? What are you doing?

No, no. Oh, okay. All right.
He's out, I get it.

- No, no, no. I'm it. I win.
- No.

He's it. He wins.

It is good.

Do over. Start with him.

No, no.

Come on, Kramer.
Now, you got the socks.

All right, you can have it.

Okay. I'm gonna take the suit...

and shoes...

and the hat.
- All right. Let's go.

Hey, I look like Joe Friday
in Dragnet.

I can't believe I won at inka-dink.

- Come on, let's go.
- Yeah.

- Aren't you gonna take it?
- I don't wanna carry it around.

I'll pick it up later.

What about your stuff?

Okay.

All right, let's go. Hey...
You know, you owe me one.

- What?
- The inka-dink. You were it.

- It's bad?
- It's very bad.

If they don't let you be
my editor on this...

I go to another publisher.
It's that simple.

- You told them that?
- Of course.

Oh, this is so fantastic.
I don't know how to thank you.

Where's this boyfriend of yours?
I can't wait much longer, I got a flight.

He's probably caught in traffic.

Or maybe he's dead.

So, what do you write,
children's books?

That's Ray.

Greetings. Greetings and salutations.

I beg your forgiveness.
My tardiness was unavoidable.

Rava, my love.

Elaine, dear friend.

And you must be Jerry,
lord of the manor.

My liege. A pleasure to serve you.

All right.

Well, we have to get back to work.

I gotta get to the airport.

Your palace shall sparkle
like the stars in heaven...

upon your safe arrival, sire.

The toilet brush is under the sink.

I don't feel comfortable
with a maid either.

There's that guilt when someone's
cleaning your house.

You're sitting on the sofa,
they go by with the vacuum.

"I'm really sorry about this.

I don't know why I left
that stuff over there."

That's why I could never be a maid.
I would have that attitude.

I'd find them, wherever they are.
"I suppose you couldn't do this.

No, don't get up.
Let me clean up your filth.

No, you couldn't dust.
Oh, this is too tough, isn't it?"

He really did an amazing job. Look.

He uncoagulated
the top of the dishwashing liquid.

He cleaned out the bottom
of the little egg cups.

Come here, look at this.

He cleaned in the little one-inch area...

between the refrigerator
and the counter.

How'd he get in there?

He must be like Rubber Man.

There's no Rubber Man.

Why did I think there was
a Rubber Man?

There's Elastic Man, Plastic Man...

- I'm leaving.
- Where are you going?

To Rava's. I gotta
pick up her manuscript.

- Oh, wait, I'll go with you.
- Okay.

Elaine, he Windexed
the little peephole.

So the meeting with Lippman
is all set.

He's the editor in chief.

- I think because of your request.
- Demand.

They're gonna promote me to editor.

Darn tooting.

There's Ray, late as usual.

Well.

This is an unexpected surprise.
And delight.

The once and future king of comedy,
Jerry the first...

gracing our humble abode.

Rava, we are in the presence
of royalty.

Hey, Ray, listen.

You really did a tremendous job
cleaning that apartment.

But I didn't just clean
your apartment.

It was a ritual, a ceremony.

A celebration of life.

Shouldn't you be
out on a ledge somewhere?

He's funny.

- Water's boiling. Are we having tea?
- Yes.

Yes. Jerry?

- Jerry.
- What?

Ray, would you give me
a hand, please?

Yeah, I'm coming.

I think that's the statue
from my house.

That looks like the statue
from my house.

- What statue?
- I had a statue.

You do? I never saw a statue.

My grandfather gave me a statue.

- Since when?
- What's the difference? That's the one.

He ripped me off.
This guy ripped me off.

Do you take sugar?

- No.
- No.

I can't believe it.
This guy ripped me off.

- Do you realize what you're saying?
- Yes, this guy ripped me off.

He stole that statue
right out of my house.

Lemon?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- Pretty sure.

- 99-percent sure.
- 99-percent sure?

Sweet elixir, its fragrant nectar
a soothing balm for the soul.

Those are the pastries.
Take care of that.

I'm gonna get Elaine the manuscript.

The pastries.

Maybe it just looks the same.
It's a coincidence.

Coincidence? This guy's in
my apartment, and by coincidence...

he has the exact same statue
in his apartment?

- I never saw any statue.
- I had a statue.

What should I do?

I'll call Kramer.
He can check my house.

Oh, Jerry.

- Don't blow this for me.
- Don't worry.

Kramer.

It's Jerry. Jerry.

From next door.
Never mind where I am.

Yes, Jerry Seinfeld.

Ma, I told you...

just dip the bread in the batter...

and put it in the pan.

Okay, bye. My mother.

She forgot how to make
French toast.

You know how mothers are.

My mother left us
when I was 6 years old.

All seven of us.
We never heard from her again.

I hope she's rotting
in an alley somewhere.

My mom's down in Florida.

She's got one of those condos.

Hot down there in the summer.
You ever been down there?

I love these pastries.

In Scandinavian mythology,
the pastries were the food of the gods.

Listen, I just remembered, I'm...

getting a facial.

Oh, I'll see you tomorrow morning.

- How about dinner?
- No, I don't eat dinner.

Dinner's for suckers.

Yeah, okay.

Thanks anyway. Bye.

Nope.

Cop says it's my word against his.
There's nothing they can do.

Let's go get him.

- Yeah, right.
- We can't let him get away with this.

You realize how crazy
he had to be to do this?

He knew I was gonna know
it's missing and that he took it.

And of all things to take.

I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo.
He's crazy.

You wanna go get him?

If he's crazy,
you should just forget it.

Forget it?

I already called my parents.

I told them to expect
the surprise of a lifetime.

My mother's making
her roasted potatoes.

George, do you realize...

that Rava has asked me
to edit her book?

Who is this Rava?

I say we get him.

- Let me just call him.
- I'll call him.

Hello, Ray?

Hi, Ray. This is Rava's friend,
Elaine's friend, Jerry.

Yeah, the king of comedy, right.

Listen, you know that statue
on your mantel...

the one with...? The blue lady?
Would you shut up?!

Yeah. Oh, you don't want to talk
about it over the phone.

You don't want Rava to hear.

Yeah, I understand.

You know the coffee shop
near my house, Monk's?

All right, tomorrow, 1:00.

Great. Okay, bye.

All right, look. Look, look.

- Let's say he stole it.
- Oh, he stole it.

You can't do anything about it.

The cops won't do anything.

What, are you gonna go fight him?
Why don't you just forget it.

- No.
- No.

Thought you said 1:00.

Relax. He's late. He's always late.
It's part of his M.O.

Remember, don't take any crap.

Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it.

- I'll be right here.
- That's comforting.

He's coming.

Ray.

Jerry.

I can't believe you asked me
about that statue.

You know how much trouble
you could've gotten me in?

- Well, l...
- Rava was standing right next to me.

I never told her
where I got the statue.

- I wonder why.
- Well, just give it back...

and I won't say anything.

- Give it back?
- Yeah.

- What are you talking about?
- What's he talking about?

- I'm talking about the statue.
- Yeah, me too.

- Give it back to whom?
- Me.

- You?
- Yeah, me.

- I'm not getting this.
- You already got it.

Ray, I had a statue in my house.

You were in my house.

And then I saw it in your house.

- What are you saying?
- What am I saying?

Take a wild guess.

Are you saying I stole your statue?

- What a mind.
- Well, l...

- I can't believe what I'm hearing.
- I can't believe what I'm hearing.

For your information,
I got that statue in a pawnshop.

- Pawnshop?
- A pawnshop?

In Chinatown, with money I earned
cleaning apartments.

- Cleaning them out.
- Oh, excuse me.

Yeah.

Look, Ray, you were the only person
in my house.

What's behind this?
It's Rava, isn't it?

Again with the Rava.

- You want her.
- No, she's a little too cheery for me.

She's from Finland, for crying out
loud. Finland! Do you understand?

I know Finland. They're neutral.

Is it me?
Do I rub you the wrong way?

No, actually, I find you quite charming.
A bit verbose at times.

"I find you so charming." You wuss.

- Did you call me a wuss?
- What did you say?

I said, "luss."

I'm at a "luss."

I'd love to take you to the pawnshop
where I got it.

That's not necessary.

You know, maybe it's not
that bad an idea.

And I would love to.
Nothing would please me more.

But unfortunately, the guy retired
and moved to Singapore.

Singapore? Do you hear this?

If you really want, maybe I can
contact the guy in Singapore.

Have him make a Photostat
of the receipt...

- and send it over.
- That's it.

That's it! I can't take it.
I can't take it anymore!

You stole the statue!
You're a thief! You're a liar!

- George.
- Who is this?

I'm the judge and the jury, pal.
And the verdict is, guilty!

- What is going on here?
- Guilty!

- Your friend is crazy.
- Oh, I'm crazy!

- George, George.
- I've gotta get going. I have a class.

Oh, a class, huh? A class.
At Columbia?

Let me tell you something.
I called the registrar's office.

I checked you out.
They have no record...

of a Ray Thomas at that school,
you liar!

That is because I am registered
under my full legal name...

Raymond Thomas Wochinski.

Ray Thomas is
my professional name.

You mean "alias."

You are starting to make me angry.

Well...

that was bound to happen.

I hope you think about
what you've done here today.

And if you wanna call
and apologize...

you know where to reach me.

- Hey, Ray.
- Yes?

How did you get the goop out of
the top of the dishwashing liquid?

It was like a brand-new nozzle.

- Nervous?
- Why should I be?

Yeah. Right.

Your notes were very insightful.

The book is great.

Did you go out last night?

No, we made love on the floor
like two animals.

Ray is insatiable.

They all are.

Was Jerry?

I can't remember.

You know, Ray is very upset
over these accusations.

I'm staying out of this one.
This is between them.

I am not getting involved.

So you think he stole it?

You have to admit,
the circumstantial evidence...

I admit nothing.

Will you put that cigarette out,
please?

I mean, he was in the apartment...

and then it's gone,
and it's in your apartment.

- Maybe you think we're in cahoots.
- No.

But it's quite a coincidence.

Yes, that's all, a coincidence.

Big coincidence.

Not a big coincidence.
A coincidence.

No, that's a big coincidence.

That's what a coincidence is.

There are no small coincidences
and big coincidences.

No. There are degrees
of coincidences.

No. There are only coincidences.
Ask anyone.

Are there big coincidences
and small coincidences...

or just coincidences?

Well?

Will you put that cigarette out?

Maybe I put it out on your face.

It's just like Ray said.

You and Jerry, you're jealous
of our love. You're trying to destroy us.

Shouldn't you be
out on a ledge somewhere?

Ma, will you stop?

It's just a statue.

How is it my fault? It was stolen.
I didn't even touch it this time.

Okay, fine.

I don't see why this should affect
the potatoes.

Okay! Goodbye.

She doesn't react to disappointment
very well.

Unlike me.

I'm not happy about this.

Why don't we just throw a
Molotov cocktail through their window.

There's just no justice.

This experience has changed me.

It's made me more cynical,
more bitter, more jaded.

- Really?
- Sure. Why not?

How do you think I feel?

Instead of editing the first novel
of a major young writing talent...

I am proofreading
a food-allergy cookbook.

- Can't you talk to your boss?
- I did.

He loves Rava.

Worse, he loves Ray.

And he doesn't think
you're funny at all.

I'm not happy about this.

Perhaps we can take comfort
in the knowledge...

that in the next world,
Ray will be the recipient...

of a much larger and more harsh
brand of justice.

Yeah, he'll have my parents.

Police. Open up!

Police?

- Freeze, mama!
- Hey, hey...

Shut up! Spread them.

I said, spread them!

You're in big trouble, son.

Burglary, grand larceny...

possession of stolen goods.

- And murder!
- Murder?

Shut up! Keep them spread.

You just make love
to that wall, pervert.

Hey, I think you have me confused
with somebody else.

- Is your name Ray?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for!

Hey. Hey, are you a cop?

Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop.
I'm a damn good cop!

And today's your lucky day, junior.

Because I'm gonna let you off
with just a warning.

Any more of this criminal activity,
and you'll be sorry. You got me?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Good, good. Let's keep it that way.

All right, all right.
What's the big hubbub, bub?

Kramer, I can't believe it.

- Oh, you're my hero!
- Yeah.

- Kramer, what did you do?
- Well, let's put it this way:

I didn't take him to People's Court.

I feel like a huge weight has been
lifted off my shoulders.

I... I feel happy!

Kramer, I don't know
how to thank you.

Well, I'll think of something.

People are going to steal from you.
You can't stop them.

But everybody has their own little
personal security things.

Things that they think will foil the
crooks, you know, in your mind.

You go to the beach, go in the water.
Put your wallet in the sneaker.

Who's gonna know?

What criminal mind could penetrate
this fortress of security?

"I tied a bow.

They can't get through that."

"I put the wallet down
by the toe of the sneaker.

They never look there.
They check the heel, they move on."