Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Apartment - full transcript

When Jerry hears that his 94 year-old neighbor Mrs Hudwalker has died, he arranges for Elaine to get it. He almost immediately regrets it when Elaine starts to talk about how much time they'll be able to spend together. He's elated when he hears that it will cost her $5000 to get the place but Kramer comes up with a solution. George decides to wear a wedding band after he's told it will attract women. Kramer meanwhile decides on a new look.

Well, I painted my apartment again.
I've been living there for years.

Every time I paint it,
it gets me down.

I look around and I think,
"Well, it's a little bit smaller now."

It's the thickness of the paint,
but I'm aware of it.

It just keeps coming in
and coming in.

Every time I paint it,
it's closer and closer.

I don't know where
the wall outlets are.

I just look for a lump
with two slots in it.

Looks like a pig is trying to push
his way through from the other side.

That's where I plug in.

My idea of the perfect living room...

would be the bridge
on the starship Enterprise.

You know what I mean?
Big chair, nice screen, remote control.

That's why Star Trek really
was the ultimate male fantasy.

Just hurtling through space
in your living room watching TV.

The aliens were always dropping in...

because Kirk was the only one
that had the big screen.

They'd come over Friday nights.
Klingon boxing. Got to be there.

- What did you do?
- Mousse. I moussed up.

- I guess it was just a matter of time.
- I should've done this years ago.

I mean, I feel like I've had two lives.

My pre-mousse,
and now I begin my post-mousse.

Tell me the truth, have you ever seen
a better-looking guy?

Looks is so subjective.

I don't mean to interrupt or anything...

but on Sunday, my friend is having
a brunch for the New York Marathon...

Oh, God... I keep forgetting
to enter that.

She lives right above First Avenue,
has a perfect view of the race.

- She said I could invite some friends.
- Maybe.

No! I'm not going up there!

Harold and Manny.

Boys, boys.

Oh, Jerry.

I slid the rent under your door,
Harold. Did you get it?

Hey, Jerry. Would you like anything
from Ms. Hudwalker's apartment?

I was only joking.

He thinks I'm gonna give you
Ms. Hudwalker's things.

We have to go up now
and clean the apartment.

It's a good thing her rent was overdue.
She'd be rotting there for a month.

She died? Mrs. Hudwalker died?

Ninety-four years old.
I found her yesterday.

She didn't have her wig on.
It was horrifying.

What's the matter with you?
I'm talking!

So you know anybody
who needs an apartment?

You know my friend Elaine?

Oh, yeah. I like her.
She always says hello.

It's not promised to anyone?
She'd take it in a second.

Well, Manny wanted it for his brother,
but he got deported.

- What's the difference? It's true.
- So it's okay? She can have it?

Sure. She's getting a bargain too.
It's only $400 a month.


- Okay.
- Hey, Harold. What do you think?

Manny, look.
Kramer put mousse in his hair.


What was that all about?

Oh, nothing important.

What's going on? What is that look?

What look?


Something's going on here.

I don't know if you should sit for this
or not.

Sitting is good if you faint...

but standing is good
for jumping up and down.

- I can't decide.
- Jumping up and down?

What are you talking about?
Come on, cough it up.

Oh, Elaine,
you know the way I am...

rarely ever thinking of myself.

My only concern is the welfare
and happiness of those close to me.

Sure, it hurts sometimes
to give and give and give...

Would you please?

What would you say
if I told you that...?

Told me what?

I got you an apartment
in this building.

- No!
- Yes.

- No! You didn't!
- Yes. I did.

You got me an apartment
in the building?

I got you an apartment
in the building.

- How did you...?
- Remember Mrs. Hudwalker?

The 94-year-old woman
who lived above me.

- No.
- She died.

- She died?
- She died.

- She died!
- Yeah.

- And the rent is only $400 a month.
- Get out!

Four hundred a month?
Only 400 a month?

- Four hundred a month.
- I'd be right upstairs?

- Right upstairs.
- Right above you?

Right above me.

We're neighbours.
I'll be here all the time!

All the time.

We can exchange keys
so we can come in and out.

Oh, this is gonna be great.

All the time.

The problem with talking is nobody
stops you from saying the wrong thing.

I think life would be a lot better...

if it was like you're
always making a movie.

You mess up, somebody just walks
on the set and stops the whole shot.

Think of the things
you wish you could take back.

You're out somewhere with people.
"Gee, you look pregnant. Are you?"

"Cut, cut, cut!

That's not gonna work at all.

Walk out the door. Come back in.
Let's take this whole scene again.

People, think about
what you're saying."

Thanks. See you later, Donna.

- What happened?
- You can't believe what I did.

- What did you do?
- I could tell you...

but you won't believe it.
It's not believable.

- How could I have done that?
- Done what?

I told Elaine about an apartment
opening up in my building.

- She's going to move in.
- Elaine's moving into your building?

- Yes. Right above me.
- Right above you?

- You're gonna be neighbours.
- I know. Neighbours.

- She's right above you?
- Right above me.

- How could you do that?
- Because I'm an idiot.

You think you're an idiot,
but with all due respect...

l'm a much bigger idiot
than you are.

Don't insult me, my friend.
Remember who you're talking to.

No one's a bigger idiot than me.

Ever ask an ex-girlfriend
to move into your building?

Ever go to a singles' weekend
in the Poconos?

She's right in my building.
Right above me.

Every time I come in, I'll have
to sneak around like a cat burglar.

You're doomed. You'll have
all your sex at women's apartments.

It'll be a permanent road trip. Forget
about the home-bed advantage.

- But I need the home-bed advantage.
- Of course. We all do.

- Come in for two minutes. Sit with me.
- I was just in there. It's embarrassing.

Oh, who's gonna know?

- They all saw me walk out.
- Two minutes.

My censoring system broke down.

You know that little guy in your head
who watches everything you say?

He went for a cup of coffee.
And, in that second, ruined my life.

My censor quit two years ago.

Checked into a clinic,
emotionally exhausted.

So is there any way out
of this Elaine thing?


Water pressure's terrible in my
building. She loves a good shower.

Never heard of anyone turning down an
apartment because of weak showers.

If they were fanatic about showers,
they might.

For that rent, she'd take a bath
in the toilet tank if she had to.

Look at this woman
feeding her baby...

greasy, disgusting,
coffee-shop corned beef hash.

Isn't that child abuse?

I'd like to have a kid.

Of course, you have
to have a date first.

Remember my friend Adam
from Detroit?

- Yeah, the guy with the flat head.
- He's a cube.

Anyway, he got married
about six months ago.

Ever since he's worn
a wedding band...

women have been coming on
to him everywhere.

- I've heard that about wedding bands.
- I wonder if that's really true.

That'd be an interesting
sociological experiment.

You know, Kramer has his father's
band. He'd loan it to you.

Hey, thanks a lot.
I'll give it back in a week.

I don't know why you're fooling around
with this ring.

I've been telling you,
get yourself some plugs...

or a piece.
- I'm not doing that.

Oh, man. You know, you're crazy.
You're a good-looking guy.

What do you want to walk around
like that for?

No, I'll put a half a can of mousse
in my head like you.

I told you I don't like these sponges.
They're too small.

I want a big sponge!

You can't pick up anything.
There's no absorption.

Boys, boys.

Hi, Jerry.

Hello, Jerry.



Your friend can't have
the apartment, Jerry.

- What?
- Because somebody offered Manny...

$5000 for the apartment.

I don't want to do it.
Manny wants to do it.

Because it's true.
Why shouldn't I tell him?

Hey, hey, I understand.
You're businessmen.

Okay, okay.

Now he says that if your friend
has $5000, we'll give it to her.

That's a lot of money...

but if that's the way it's gotta be,
that's the way it's gotta be.

You know, I used to think
that the universe...

is a random, chaotic sequence
of meaningless events.

But I see now that there is reason
and purpose to all things.

What happened to you?

Religion, my friend.
That's what happened to me.

Because I have just been informed
that it's going to cost Elaine...

the sum of $5000
to get the apartment upstairs.

Five thousand dollars?
She doesn't have $5000.

- Of course she doesn't.
- So she can't get the apartment.

- Can't get it.
- She doesn't move in.

No move.

So you see?
It's all part of a divine plan.

And how does the baldness
fit into that plan?

- Elaine?
- Yeah.

All right.

This is gonna require
some great acting now.

I have to pretend I'm disappointed.

So you'll see me really being a phoney.
I hope you can take this.

You should go in the other room.

Are you kidding?
I lie every second of the day.

My whole life is a sham.

- Because I love Elaine.
- Of course you do.

But, you know, not in the building.

Really, I feel terrible about this.
My intentions were good.

What can I do? Tell me.

No. I'll be seeing you.

Have you ever gotten up in the morning
and felt that it's great to be alive?

That every breath is a gift
of sweet life from above.

Before I forget...

I have the checks for the first month,
last month, security deposit.

I have $75 left in my account.

Well, there's a little bit of a problem.

Oh, I know.
There's a weak shower spray.

I've already thought about it.
I am switching to baths.

Winston Churchill said,
"Why stand when you can sit?"

Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies.

No. Someone offered Harold
and Manny 5000 for the apartment.

They'd just as soon give it to you...

but you would have to come up
with that money.

Five thousand dollars?

- I don't have $5000.
- I know.

How am I gonna get $5000?

I have no idea.

Hey! My new neighbour.

I'm not moving in.

- What?
- They want $5000 now.

So okay, what's the problem?

I don't have $5000.

Oh, come on!
You can come up with $5000.

Jerry, you don't have $5000
you can lend her?

Come on.

Yeah, well, I didn't... I mean...

Is that something
you want to borrow?

No, that's too much money
to borrow.

Loan her the money.
You can afford it.

She doesn't want
to borrow the money.

Oh, come on. She'll pay you back.
What's 5 grand between friends?

- Of course I'd pay you back.
- Yeah.

So, what's the problem?

- Who said there's a problem?
- See?

- He said he'd loan you the money.
- Well, now, Jerry...

it might take a while
for me to pay you back.

Maybe a few years.
How do you feel about that?

It's okay. He doesn't care.

You know, money can sometimes
come between friends.

- Get out of here.
- Well, let me think about it.

- What's there to think about?
- I don't know. Five thousand?

Let me just take one more look at it.

It was all over.

Taken care of. Done. Finished.

Five thousand. Where was she gonna
get 5000? She doesn't have 5000.

Clean. Goodbye. She's gone.

Then you come in.
"Why don't you loan her 5000?

What do you care? You got 5000.
Give her 5000!"

- You didn't want her in the building?
- No, I didn't.

Then what did you loan her
the $5000 for?

Well, look, maybe she won't take it.

She did say that she was
gonna think about it.

People don't turn down money. It's
what separates us from the animals.

Yeah, well, I don't understand what the
problem is having her in the building.

Let me explain something to you.

You see...

you're not normal.

You're a great guy. I love you,
but you're a pod.

I, on the other hand,
am a human being.

I sometimes feel awkward,

even inhibited in certain situations
with the other human beings.

- You wouldn't understand.
- Yeah. Because I'm a pod.

I'll take it!


- Hi, Elaine.
- Oh, hi, Roxanne.

Nice to be here.
These are my friends.

This is George.

- And this is Jerry.
- Hi.

Jerry's the one who got me
my new apartment.

So you're Elaine's hero.

Yes, it's my life's work.

There are so few true heroes left
in this world.

Yeah, my wife couldn't
make it today.

She's got some thing with her mother.
Who knows what's going on with her?

Don't let anybody kid you.

It's tough.

Well, better load up on some carbos
before the race.

- Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?
- Oh, yes. Particularly if you're not in it.

- I wish we had a view of the finish line.
- What's to see?

A woman from Norway, a guy
from Kenya and 20,000 losers.

My wife started getting on me
about the lawn today.

I tell you,
it's one thing after another.

- Is she here?
- No, no, she's working.

What does she do?

She's an entomologist.
You know, bees, flies, gnats.

What about you?

I work for the director
of Madison Square Garden.

It's great. I can get free tickets
to any sporting event in New York.

Anyway, she's a very lucky woman.
Enjoy the race.


Hi, Stan. Joanne. Come in.

Oh, Jerry, this is Joanne
and this is Stan.

They're in my short story class
with Roxanne and me.

Hey, Jerry just got me
a great apartment in his building.

Well, Jerry, it'll be nice
to have a close friend nearby.

- Fantastic.
- She can pop in whenever she wants.

I know.

- She doesn't even need to knock.
- It's tremendous.

- Any time of day.
- I'm in heaven.

Oh, Rita. Rita, come here.

This is Jerry. He's the one
who got me the apartment.

Oh, hi.

Bob, this is the guy
who got Elaine her apartment.

I'm sorry, I just don't see the big deal
about being a matador.

I mean, the bull charges,
you move the cape...

what's so hard?

So are you really married?

I've actually heard of single guys who
wear wedding bands to attract women.

You would have to be a real loser
to try something like that.

That's too bad...

because I really have a thing
for bald guys with glasses.

Hey, everybody,
here come the runners.

Oh, excuse me.

So you and Roxanne
are hitting it off, huh?

- I wouldn't quite say that.
- Really?

From a distance,
you seemed to be coming on to her.

Oh, I'm a guy.
It always looks like that.

Because I was thinking...

are you at all concerned
that living in the same building...

will, you know, cramp our styles?

Because I was worried
that there might be a situation...

in which one of us came home
with somebody.

It could get a little uncomfortable.

But as long as you're okay with it,
it's fine with me.

I've never been able to be
with just one person.

I can, however, carry on
strictly physical relationships...

which can last
for years and years.

It's a shame you're married.

I'm not.

- It's just a sociological experiment.
- Please.

You have no idea what an idiot is.

Elaine just gave me a chance
to get out, and I didn't take it.

This is an idiot.

Is that right?

I just threw away a lifetime
of guilt-free sex...

and floor seats for every sporting
event in Madison Square Garden.

So, please, a little respect.

For I am Costanza, lord of the idiots.

You're all winners!

But, suddenly,
a new contender has emerged.

George, I didn't sleep at all
last night.

I decided I have to tell her.

I'm just gonna be honest, that's all.

Yes, I'm nervous.

Are you listening to me?

Just put some soap on your finger.
It'll slide right off.

Well, then try axle grease.

I'll call you back after I talk to her.


it's all taken care of.

Everything's cool.

- What? What's cool?
- Elaine.

What are you talking about?

I just found a guy who's willing to pay
$10,000 for the apartment.

You what? Get out!

- Ten thousand?
- Cash!

- Who would pay that much?
- He's in the music business.

Elaine would never borrow that much
money. Kramer, my God, man.

This is beautiful.
I think I'm in the clear here.

Elaine's not moving in.

I don't have to confront her. She has
no idea I never wanted her to move in.

I'm golden.

Well, occasionally,
I like to help the humans.

- Wow, you're right, that is loud.
- It's just unbelievable.

- They rehearse all the time?
- All the time.

I've been up there six times.
They refuse to stop.

I can't live like this. I don't know what
to do. I'm headed for a breakdown.

- Can't you do something?
- I'm not going up.

- It stinks up there.
- Manny?

I'm not the one who said
they could play till 11:00.

He makes up his own rules.

Boy, too bad. If I was up there,
you'd never hear a peep out of me.

- I'm as quiet as a mouse.
- Hey.

I love the one they do
right after this one.

What do you do when a neighbour...

is making a lot of noise
at 3:00 in the morning?

Can you knock on someone's door
and tell them to keep it down?

You're really altering
your whole self-image.

What am l, Fred Mertz now?
What's happening to me?

Can I do this? Am I a shusher?
I used to be a shushee.

There's a lot of shushing in movie
theatres. People are always shushing.

Doesn't work. Nobody knows
where it's coming from.

They just hear..."Was that a shush?
I think somebody shushed me?"

Some people you can't shush.
There's always a certain group.

They're talking. Everyone
around them is shushing them.

They won't shush.
They're the unshushables.