Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Revenge - full transcript

In a fit of pique - his boss tells him his personal office bathroom is out of bounds - George quits his job letting him know just what he thinks of him. As he and Jerry discuss his future, he realizes that he may have acted precipitously and so Jerry suggests that he should just show up for work on Monday morning and pretend as if nothing happened. His boss won't let him get away with that and so George enlists Elaine to help him get his revenge. Jerry meanwhile realizes that he left $1500 in his laundry bag but when laundry service tells him their not responsible for its disappearance, Kramer suggests they get him.

Whenever I see the news
and they're...

hauling in some criminal, terrorist,
psycho, maniac, mass-murderer guy...

You notice he's always
covering up his face?

With the newspaper, with
the jacket, with the hat.

What is he worried about?

I mean,
what is this man's reputation...

that he has to worry
about this kind of exposure...

damaging his good name?

I mean, what is he,
up for a big job promotion...

down at the office or something?

Afraid the boss is gonna
catch this on TV and go:

"Isn't that Johnson from sales?

He's up in that clock tower,
picking people off one by one.

I don't know
if that's the kind of man...

we want heading up
that new branch office.

He should be in bill collection.
I think he's got aptitude."

She was great.

You don't want to know.

Hey, Brecky, remind me to tell you
what we did in Lake George.

Get this, I got it all on video.

That's it. This is it.

I'm done! Through! It's over!

I'm gone! Finished! Over!

I will never work for you again!
Look at you.

You think you're an important man?

You are a laughingstock.
You are a joke.

These people are laughing at you!

You're nothing! You have no brains,
no ability, nothing!

I quit!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Boy, I have really
had it with Newman.

He wakes me up again, last night,
at 3:00 in the morning...

to tell me he's going on the roof
to kill himself.

- Well, what did you say?
- I said, "Jump."

He's been threatening
to do this for years.

I said, "If you're gonna kill yourself,
do it already and stop bothering me."

At least I'd respect the guy
for accomplishing something.

What's his problem?

No job, no women.

He called the right guy.

What am I supposed to tell him?

How much there is
for him to live for?

Why should I lie to him?

I'm leaving. I'm going to the laundry.

Why don't you use the machines
down in the basement?

Fluff and fold, the only way to live.

I drop it off, I pick it up.
It's a delight.

- How about if I put a...?
- I don't want to do that.

- What, you're going over there, what?
- I don't want to mix in everything.

My guys don't know your guys.

You can't just lock them all
in the same machine together.

They'll start a riot.

Have you ever met my guys?

- No, I can't say as I have.
- Well...

All right, put them on top.

Oh, beautiful.

This stuff on top is my friend's.

Could I get it done
in a separate machine?

I'll have to charge you
for another machine.

Whatever it costs. In fact...

I would prefer it if the machines
are not even touching each other...

because something could,
you know, jump across.

Guess what.

- How did you know I was here?
- Kramer. Guess what.

- I don't know.
- I quit my job.

- Get out of here.
- I couldn't take it anymore.

You can have this on Monday.

What happened? Levitan?

I go in to use his private bathroom.
Everybody uses it.

And then I get a memo...
A memo...

telling me to use
the men's room in the hall.

I mean, we share it with
Pace Electronics. It's disgusting!

You and your toilets.

I snapped. It was the last straw.

What are you gonna do?
Look for something else in real estate?

Nobody's hiring now.
The market's terrible.

So, what are you gonna do?

I like sports. I could do
something in sports.

In what capacity?

You know, like the general manager
of a baseball team.

Yeah, well, that...
That can be tough to get.

Well, it doesn't even have to be
the general manager.

Maybe I could be, like, an announcer,
like, a colour man.

You know how I always make...

interesting comments
during the game?

Yeah. Yeah,
you make good comments.

So, what about that?

Well, they tend to give
those jobs to ex-ballplayers...

and people that are,
you know, in broadcasting.

- Well, that's really not fair.
- I know.

Well, okay, okay.
What else do you like?

Movies. I like to watch movies.

Yeah, yeah.

Do they pay people
to watch movies?


- That's true.
- But you got to know...

how to work the projector.


And it's probably a union thing.

Those unions.

Okay, sports...


What about a talk show host?

Talk show host, that's good.

I think I'd be good at that.

I talk to people all the time.

Someone said once I'd be
a good talk show host.

- Really?
- Yeah, a couple of people.

How do you get that?
Where do you start?

Well, that's where it gets tricky.

You can't walk into a building and say,
"I want to be a talk show host."

I wouldn't think so.

It's all politics.

All right, okay, sports, movies,
talk show host...

What else?

This could have been
a huge mistake.

Yeah, well, it doesn't sound like
you completely thought this through.

I guess not.

- What should I do?
- Maybe you can just go back.

- Go back?
- Yeah.

Pretend like it never happened.

You mean just walk in on Monday
morning like it never happened?

Sure. You're an emotional person.

People don't take you seriously.

Just go back.

- Pretend it never happened.
- Never happened.

I was blowing off a little steam.
So what?

- So what? You're entitled.
- I'm emotional.

That's right, you're emotional.

- Never happened.
- Never happened.

To me, the most annoying thing...

about the couple of times
I did work in an office...

is when you go in in the morning,
you say "hi" to everyone...

and then, throughout the day...

you have to continue
to greet these people...

all day, every time you see them.

"Morning, Bill." "Morning, Bob."
"How you doing?" "Fine."

Ten minutes later, you see them
in the hall, "How you doing?"

Every time you pass, you've gotta
come up with another greeting.

You start racking your brains.

You do the little eyebrow,
you know, "Hey."

You start coming up
with nicknames for them.


How you doing?

What are you doing here?

What? I work here.

I thought you quit.

What quit? Who quit?

Bill, how was your weekend?

Excellent weekend.
What about your weekend?

- Fine weekend.
- Yeah, good weekend.

Went up to the Cape.
Took the kids sailing.

Lisa was a little scared at first...

but that kid's gonna be
a good sailor someday.

She's gonna be a fine sailor.

Ava, what happened to you
Friday afternoon?

- I got tied up.
- I'll bet you did.

I want to remind everyone
that the 10th anniversary party...

for Rick Barr Properties is gonna be
Wednesday afternoon at 4:00...

in Lasky's Bar on Madison and 48th.

I want all of you to be there.
This really means a lot to me.

Is that Costanza over there?

What are you doing here?

- What?
- Am I crazy or didn't you quit?

- When?
- Friday.

Oh, what? That?

Are you kidding? I didn't quit.

Why, you took that seriously?

You mean "laughingstock,"
all that stuff.

Come on. Will you stop it?

- "No brains, no ability"?
- Teasing.

Okay, I want you out of here.

I don't know where
you're getting this from.

You're serious, aren't you?
Oh, you see...

you just don't know
my sense of humour.

I mean, Dan, don't I joke around
all the time?

I wouldn't say all the time.

You can't win.
You can't beat me.

That's why I'm here,
and you're there.

Because I'm a winner.

I'll always be a winner...

and you'll always be a loser.

"I'll always be a winner,
and you'll always be a loser."

This is what he said to me.

- Well, so that's that.
- No, that's not that.

- That's not that?
- No.

Well, if that's not that, what is that?

I got some plans. I got plans.

- What kind of plans?
- What's the difference?

You don't wanna tell me?

I'm gonna slip him a Mickey.

What, in his drink?
Are you out of your mind?

What are you, Peter Lorre?

You don't understand.
He's got this big party coming up.

He's been looking forward to this.
This is gonna destroy the whole thing.

- What if you destroy him?
- No, no, no. Don't worry.

It's perfectly safe. I researched it.

He'll get a little woozy.

He might keel over.

- Well, what does that do? Big deal.
- This is what they'd do in the movies.

It's the beautiful thing.
It's like a movie.

I'm gonna slip him a Mickey.

You've really gone mental.

Where are you gonna get this Mickey?
I can't believe I'm saying "Mickey."

I got a source.

You got a Mickey source?

And Elaine is gonna
keep him busy.

Elaine? How did you rope
her into this?

I told her what a sexist he is.
How he cheats on his wife.

- She knew that.
- She didn't know he doesn't recycle.

What is the point of all this?

- Revenge.
- The best revenge is living well.

There's no chance of that.

- Did you get your laundry?
- Yeah.

What's with you?

He jumped.

- What?
- Newman jumped.

- Did he call you last night?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What did you say?

I said, "Wave to me
when you pass my window."

Did he wave?

No. He jumped
from the second floor.

Mr. Papanicolas saw him
from across the street.

He's lying out there faking.

See, he's trying to get back at me.

- Oh, my God.
- What? What's the matter?

On Thursday when I came home,
I had 1500 dollars on me.

For some reason, I decided to hide it
in my laundry bag...

and then I completely
forgot about it.

And then I took the laundry
in on Friday!

- Oh, come on, let's go.
- Where? Where?

To the Laundromat.

I never saw it.

Okay, come on, give the guy
his money. What are you doing?

Hey, you see that sign up there?

I see. You put up a sign
so you can do whatever you want.

You're not a part of society.

Yeah, that's right.

Because this place is my country...

and I'm the president,
and that's my Constitution.

I'm not responsible.

So anybody leaves anything here,
you could just take it.

You have a license to steal.

You are like
the James Bond of laundry.

- You ever hear of a bank?
- Come on, let's go.

No, you can't let him
get away with this.

- Which one is he?
- That's him over there.

The one that looks like a blowfish.

- Oh, yeah. I see him.
- Yeah.

Hey, thanks for doing this.

Why pass up the opportunity
to go to prison?

This is the most exciting thing
I've ever done.

Yeah, it is kind of cool.

First time in my life I've ever
gotten back at someone.

I can't believe we're doing this. It's
the kind of thing they do in the movies.

That's exactly what I told Jerry.

- Really?
- Yes.

God, I've never felt so alive.

Maybe we should call this off.

Come on, what's the big deal?

We're just gonna put a little concrete
in the washing machine.

- And what's gonna happen?
- Well, it'll mix up with the water...

and then, by the end of the cycle,
it'll be a solid block.

If only you could put your mind
to something worthwhile.

You're like Lex Luthor.

You keep him busy.

You go over there,
you start flirting with him...

and I'll come by,
and while you're keeping him busy...

l'll slip it in his drink.

Wouldn't it be easier
just to punch him in the mouth?

Come on. They're terrible.

They got no infield.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna get some food.
You want some?




God bless you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Really, I mean that.
I am not one of those people...

who gives insincere thank-yous.
No, sir. No, sir.

When I thank somebody,
I really thank them.

So thank you.

- You're welcome.
- People don't say "God bless you"...

as much as they used to.
Have you noticed that?


So I'm going
to a nudist colony next week.

Nudist colony? Really?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I love nudist colonies.

They help me unwind.

I've never been to a nudist colony.

Oh, really? Oh, you should go.
They're great. They're great.

Of course, when it's over, it's hard to
get used to all this clothing, you know.

So a lot of times I'll just lock the door
to my office...

and I'll just sit there naked.

- Seriously?
- Oh, yeah.

I usually work naked
a couple hours a day.

Glenda, can I ask you a favour?

Could I have this seat?

What do you have to sit here for?
There are plenty of other seats.

I can't explain.
It's very important that I sit here.

What are you doing here anyway?
I thought you were fired.

Okay, okay. Fine.

I cook naked, I clean...

I clean naked. I drive naked.

Naked, naked, naked.

Who are you?

Oh, you don't want to know, mister.
I'm trouble.

Big trouble.

What about the gentle cycle?
You ever use that?

Do you think it's effeminate for a man
to put clothes in a gentle cycle?

What about fine fabrics? How do you
deal with that kind of temperament?

What about stonewashing?
You ever witness one of those?

That must be something. What, do they
just pummel the jeans with rocks?

I didn't realize it was a full box.

I'm gonna count to three.

If you don't give up the chair...

the wig is coming off.

I don't wear a wig.


No, I'm sorry.
I don't really have a phone.

In fact, I don't really have
an apartment.

I kind of sleep around.

I just like to have a few drinks...

and then just let the guy do
whatever he wants.

Would you close your eyes
a second?

I want to tell you a secret
about my bra.

Hello, Rick.

Hey, look who's here.

That's right, Ricky boy, it's me.

You know something, Costanza,
I'm a very lucky man.

I've always been lucky.

Things just to seem to fall
right in my lap.

You wouldn't believe it if I told you.

In fact, I'm glad you're here,
you know.

Maybe I've been
a little rough on you.

Why should we let
personal differences...

get in the way of business?

I... I want you to come back.

And you can use my bathroom
anytime you want.

- You want me to come back?
- Yeah.

Hey, how about a toast, huh?

- Everybody, a toast!
- Rick.

Everyone, I want to propose a toast...

to 10 great years
at Rick Barr Properties...

- Rick.
And all the people in this room...

- that made that possible.
- Rick.

I'd also like to welcome back
into the fold...

our little, shrimpy friend,
George Costanza...

who, although he really didn't have
a very good year...

How you blew that McConnell deal,
I'll never know...

but, hey, what the hell, huh?

We've always enjoyed his antics
around the office.

Anything you want to add to this?

Drink up!

I like history, the Civil War.

Maybe I could be a professor
or something.

Well, to teach something,
you really have to know a lot about it.

- I think you need a degree.
- Yeah, that's true.

- Hey, don't...
- What?

Oh, my God, the money.

- The 1500, where'd you find it?
- It was in my laundry.

In your laundry? The whole time?

I told you not to mix in our guys.

What did we figure the damage
on that machine would be?

It was about 1200 bucks.


That's Newman.

I'm on the roof!

Well? What are you waiting for?

Elaine, take a walk with me
to the Laundromat.

I got to pay this guy the money.

I like horses.
Maybe I could be a stable boy.

You want to shoot some pool tonight?

I can't. I'm going to a movie!

Nah, it's probably a union thing.

People like the idea of revenge.

You ever hear the expression:
"The best revenge is living well"?

I've said this. In other words,
it means, supposedly...

the best way to
get back at someone...

is by being happy and successful
in your own life.

Sounds nice. Doesn't really work
on that Charles Bronson kind of level.

You know, those movies where
his whole family gets wiped out...

by some street scum.
You think you could go up to him:

"Charlie, forget the.357. You need
a custom-made suit and a convertible...

new carpeting,
French doors, a divan.

That'll show those punks."