Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Phone Message - full transcript

After a pleasant first date with with Carol, she invites him up for coffee but George says no thanks - and only laster realizes what she may have meant. He reluctantly decides to call her the next day but embarrasses himself even further by leaving a foolish message. He decides he has to get to her machine and retrieve the messages before she does. Jerry meanwhile goes on a date with Donna but they get into an argument when she says she likes a particular TV commercial that Jerry just hates.

The bad thing about television

is that everybody
you see on television

is doing something
better than what you're doing.

You never see anybody on TV,

like, just sliding off
the front of the sofa

with potato chip crumbs
on their face.

Some people have a little
too much fun on television.

The soda commercial people.

Where do they summon
this enthusiasm?

Have you seen them?

"We have soda! We have soda!
We have soda!"

Jumping, laughing,
flying through the air.

Jumping, laughing,
flying through the air.

It's a can of soda.

Have you ever
been standing there

and you're watching TV

and you're drinking
the exact product

that they're advertising
right there on TV?

And it's like, you know,

they're spiking volleyballs,
jet skiing, girls in bikinis...

and I'm standing there,

"Maybe I'm putting
too much ice in mine."

So then, as we were leaving,

we were just kind of
standing there,

and she was sort
of smiling at me.

I wasn't sure if she wanted me
to ask her out.

When women smile at me,
I don't know what it means.

Sometimes I interpret it
like they're psychotic,

and I don't know
if I'm supposed to smile back,

I don't know what to do,
so I stood there like--

Remember how Quayle looked

when Bentsen gave him
that Kennedy line?

That's what I looked like.

You didn't ask?
No, I froze.

Oh. Yeah.

So wait, wait.

Half-hour later,
I'm back at the office,

I tell Lloyd
the whole story.

He says, "So why don't
you call her?"

He says, "So why don't
you call her?"

I says, "I can't."
I couldn't do it right then.

For me to ask a woman out,

I've got to get
into a mental state,

like the karate guys
before they break the bricks.

So then, Lloyd
calls me a wuss.

He said "wuss"?

Yeah. Anyway, he
shamed me into it.

So you called?


And to cover my nervousness,
I started eating an apple,

because I think
if they hear you chewing

on the other end of the phone,

it makes you sound casual.

Yeah, like a farm boy.

Right. So, I call her up,
I tell her it's me.

She gives me
an enthusiastic "Hi."

She gives me
an enthusiastic "Hi."

Oh. Enthusiastic hi,
that's beautiful.

I don't get the enthusiastic
hi, I'm out of there.

All right,
so you're chewing your apple,

you got your enthusiastic hi,
go ahead.

So, we're talking,

and I don't like to go too long
before I ask them out.

I want to get it over with
right away,

so I just blurt out,

"What are you doing
Saturday night?"


She bought.

Great day in the morning.

Then I got off the phone
right away.

Sure, it's like
robbing a bank.

You don't loiter around
in front of the teller

holding that big bag of money.

You make your hit
and get out.

You make your hit
and get out.

It's amazing.

We both have dates
the same night.

I can't remember
the last time that happened.

I can't stand
doing laundry.

That's why I have
40 pairs of underwear.

You do not.

because instead of doing a wash,
I just keep buying underwear.

My goal is to have
over 360 pair.

That way, I only have
to do wash once a year.

Come on, try it.

Let me hear you try
a Scottish accent.

That's Irish.

That's Irish.

Irish, Scottish,
what's the difference, lassie?

So, uh, thanks for dinner.
It was great.


We should do this again.

Would you like to come upstairs
for some coffee?

Oh, no, thanks.

I can't drink coffee
late at night.

I keeps me up.

Oh. So, um...



Good night.

Yeah, take it easy.

Thanks again
for the movie.

You're welcome.

I'd invite you up,
but the place is being painted.

Oh, that's okay.

Unless you want to go
to your place.

Okay, but there's
no cake or anything,

Okay, but there's
no cake or anything,

if that's what
you're looking for.

Take it easy...


Take it easy!

I think if one's
going to kill oneself,

the least you could do
is leave a note.

It's common courtesy.

I don't know...

that's just the way
I was brought up.

Values are important.

Oh, so important.

So, what are you doing
Thursday night?

You want to have dinner?

Thursday's great.

Thursday's great.

Tan pants.

Why do I buy
tan pants, Donna?

I don't feel
comfortable in them.

Are those cotton Dockers?

Oh, I can't begin
to tell you

how much I hate
that commercial.


I like that commercial.

You like that commercial?

Yeah, it's clever.

Yeah, it's clever.

Now, wait a second.

You mean the one where the guys
are all standing around,

supposedly being
very casual and witty?

Yeah, that's the one.

What could you possibly like
about that?

I don't know.
I like the guys.

Yeah, they're so funny

and so comfortable
with each other,

and I could be
comfortable too,

if I had pants like that.

I could sit on a porch
and wrestle around

and maybe even be part
of a real bull session.

Hey, I know guys
like that.

Hey, I know guys
like that.

To me, the dialogue
rings true.

Even if the dialogue
did ring true...

Even if somehow, somewhere,
men actually talked like that,

what does that have
anything to do with the pants?

Doesn't that bother you?

That's the idea.

That is what is clever about it,

that they're not talking
about the pants.

But they're talking
about nothing!

That's the point!
I know the point!

No one is telling you
to like it.

I mean, all those quick shots
of the pants.

I mean, all those quick shots
of the pants.

Just pants, pants, pants,

pants, pants, pants.

What is that
supposed to be?


What's brutal about the date

is the scrutiny
that you put each other through,

because whenever you think
about this person

in terms of the future,

you have to magnify
everything about them.

You know, like,
the guy will be, like,

"I don't think
her eyebrows are even.

"I don't think
her eyebrows are even.

Could I look at uneven eyebrows
for the rest of my life?"

And, of course,

the woman's looking at the guy

"What is he looking at?

"Do I want someone

looking at me like this
for the rest of my life?"

I'm supposed to see her
again on Thursday,

but can I go out with someone

that actually likes
this commercial?

I once broke up with a guy

because he didn't
keep his bathroom clean enough.

No kidding?

Did you tell him
that was the reason?

Oh yeah,
I told him all the time.

You would not
have believed his tub.

You would not
have believed his tub.

Germs were building
a town in there.

They were constructing offices.

Houses near the drain
were going for $150,000.


You're still
thinking about this?

She invites me up
at 12:00 at night

for coffee.

And I don't go up.

And I don't go up.

"No thank you,
I don't want coffee.

"It keeps me up.

Too late
for me to drink coffee."

I said this to her.

People this stupid
shouldn't be allowed to live.

I can't imagine
what she must think of me.

She thinks you're a guy
that doesn't like coffee.

She invited me up!

Coffee's not coffee!
Coffee is sex.

Maybe coffee was coffee.

Coffee's coffee in the morning.

It's not coffee
at 12:00 at night.

Well, some people
drink coffee that late.

Well, some people
drink coffee that late.

Yeah, people who work at NORAD

who are on
24-hour missile watch!

Everything was
going along so great.

She was laughing,
I was funny.

I kept saying to myself,

"Keep it up. Don't blow it.
You're doing great."

It's all in your head.

All she knows is
she had a good time.

I think you
should call her.

I can't call her now.
It's too soon.

I'm planning
a Wednesday call.


I love it when guys
call me the next day.

Of course you do,

but you're imagining
a guy you like,

not a guy who goes,

not a guy who goes,

"Uh, no, I don't drink coffee
late at night. Ha, ha, ha."

If I call her now,
she's gonna thing I'm too needy.

Women don't want to see need.

They want a take-charge guy.
A colonel. A Kaiser. A czar.

All she'll think
is that you like her.

That's exactly
what I'm trying to avoid!

She wants you to like her!

Yes, she wants me
to like her,

if she likes me.

But she doesn't like me.

I don't know what your
parents did to you.


Hey! I just thought of

a really funny thing
for your act!

All right, you're up there,
you're on your stage,

and you go,

"Hey, did you ever notice
how cars here in New York,

"they never get out of the way
of ambulances anymore?

"Someone's in a life
and death situation,

"and we're thinking,

"'Well, sorry, buddy,
you should've thought of that

"'when you were eating

"'cheese omelets and sausages
for breakfast

every morning
for the last 30 years.'"

So you gonna
use it?

I don't think so.

What? It's funny.

What? It's funny.

It's funny.

I like to do my own material.

That's as good
as anything you do.

All right, I gotta make a call.
Everybody out, come on.

Why do we have to leave?

Because I can't
call a woman

with other people
in the room.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, see.
This is the problem.

You're kicking me
out of my house?


Don't forget.


Oh, Jerry,
do you have any apples?

Don't do the apples.

It's enough already
with the apples.

It's enough already
with the apples.

Hi, it's Carol.
I'll get back to you.



It's, uh, George.

George Costanza. Remember me?

The guy that didn't
come up for coffee.

You see, I didn't realize

You see, I didn't realize

that coffee
didn't really mean...

Well, whatever.

Anyway, it was fun.

It was, um...

It was fun.

So, oh boy, um, so...
you call me back...

You know,
i-i-if you want.

That's up to you, you know.
Whatever you want to do.

Either way.
The ball's in your court.

Either way.
The ball's in your court.

So, uh...take it easy.

JERRY: I'm just going
to get my jacket.

I'll meet you downstairs.

What's the matter?

Did you call?

Got her machine.

I'm dead. I'm a dead man.
That's it, I'm dead.

I'm a dead man. Dead man.

What did you say?

I don't know
what the hell I said.

I gave her an ultimatum,
and there's nothing I can do.

It's a machine!

The little light
is blinking right now.

"Come and listen to the idiot!

"Come and listen to the idiot!

Hey, everybody! The idiot's on!"

After one date, you try
and improvise on a machine?

Now I'm in
the worst position of all.

You know, my brother-in-law

once left a message
on this guy's machine,

and he blurted out
some business information

he wasn't supposed to,

and it would've cost him

so he waited
outside the guy's house,

and when the guy came home,

he went upstairs with him
and switched the tape.


He did that?


Somebody did that?

She'll call you back.
You're overreacting.

She'll call you back.
You're overreacting.

Not once.

I have never seen one episode
of I Love Lucy in my life.


That's amazing.

Thank you.

Is there anything else about you
I should know?

Yes, I'm lactose intolerant.


I have no patience
for lactose...

and I won't stand for it.

Um, I'll be right back.

Wait till you hear this!

Whoa, uh...I'm sorry.

I didn't-- I had no idea.

Wait, wait.
He's in the bathroom.


Well, I just wanted
to talk to him for a minute,

but I'll come back.

You don't have to leave.

You sure?



I'm Donna.


Oh, you're the one
that likes that commercial.

He told you that?

No, he didn't actually
tell me that.

No, he didn't actually
tell me that.

We were talking
about that commercial.

In fact,
I think I brought it up,

because I like that commercial.

No, he would never actually
tell me anything like that.

He never discusses anything.
He's-- He's like a clam.

You're not gonna
mention this to him...

So you go around telling
your friends I'm not hip

because I like
that commercial.

What? What did you say?

Say? What? Nothing.
I didn't...

You told him
how I like the commercial.

Well, so what if I said that?

Well, so you didn't have
to tell your friends.

Well, so you didn't have
to tell your friends.

No, I had to tell my friends.

My friends
didn't have to tell you.

Why'd you have
to get me in trouble?

I don't like you
talking about me

with your friends
behind my back.

Boy, oh, boy.

I said I couldn't believe
you liked that commercial.

So what?

I asked some friends of mine
this week,

and all of them
liked the commercial.

Boy, I'll bet you got a regular
Algonquin Round Table there.


Oh, uh, Kramer,
this is Donna.


Cotton Dockers!


All right, we should be going.
Come on.

All right, we should be going.
Come on.

Where are we going?
Come on.

Don't bother.
I'm leaving.

Donna, really, you're making
too much of this.

One-hundred percent
cotton Dockers.

If they're not Dockers,
they're just pants.

Kramer, please.

I don't want to hear it.

I can't believe
I said that.

You know me, I'm a vault.

Don't worry about it.
It wasn't working anyway.

What happened there?

I'll tell you later.

You are not gonna

what's going on
with this woman.

Okay, so you remember
I made the initial call Sunday.

Okay, so you remember
I made the initial call Sunday.

She doesn't call back.

I call again Monday.
I leave another message.

I call Tuesday.
I get the machine again,

"I know you're there,

I don't know
what your story is."

Yesterday, I'm a volcano.
I try one more call,

the machine comes on,

and I let fly
like Mussolini from the balcony.

"Where the hell
do you get the nerve?

"You invite me up for coffee

"and then you don't call me back
for four days?

"I don't like coffee!
I don't have to come up!

"I don't like coffee!
I don't have to come up!

"I'd like to get one more shot
at the coffee,

just so I could
spit in your face!"

You said that?

I lost it.

I can't blame you.

I can't believe
she never called you back.

She did.



She called my office.

She said she's been
in the Hamptons since Sunday.

She didn't know if I was
trying to get in touch with her.

Her machine broke,

and she's been using
her old machine,

and she doesn't have
the beeper for it.

and she doesn't have
the beeper for it.

So she didn't get
the messages?

But they're on there, waiting.

She said she can't wait
to see me.

We're having dinner tonight.

She's supposed to call me
as soon as she gets home.

But what about the messages?

Elaine's thing?
How are you going to get in?

I'll meet her
outside the building.

But you know as soon
as she gets in the apartment,

she's going right
for that machine.

Unless she goes
for the bathroom.

That's my only chance.

Who am I kidding?
I can't do this.

Who am I kidding?
I can't do this.

I can't do this.

I don't even know how
to work those stupid machines.

There's nothing to it.

You lift the lid,
it comes right out.

You do it for me.


Come on, it'll be
so much easier.

How are you going
to get me up there?

I'll tell her I bumped into you,

I'm giving you
a ride uptown.

And who makes the switch?

You do.
I do?

I can't do it.

I'll keep her busy.

I can't get involved in this.

I think I may be in love
with this woman.

I think I may be in love
with this woman.

What if she sees me?

Oh, you are such a wuss.

A wuss?


Did you call me a wuss?

Well, there is traffic.

It might take her
till 8:15.

I got one problem.

You're keeping her busy
in the other room.

Now, what if she somehow
gets away from you

and is coming in?

and is coming in?

You have to signal me
that she's coming.

A signal.
Right, um...

Okay, okay.

The signal is...
I'll call out "Tippy toe!"

Tippy toe?

I don't think so.

You don't like tippy toe?

No tippy toe.

All right, uh...

Okay, I got it...

Um...I'll sing.

What song?


"How Do You Solve
a Problem Like Maria?"

What is that?

Oh, it's a lovely song.

Oh, it's a lovely song.

♪ How do you solve
a problem like Maria? ♪

Got anything else?

You pick it.

"Lemon Tree."

Peter, Paul, and Mary?

No, Trini Lopez.

♪ Lemon tree, very pretty ♪

♪ And the lemon flower
Is sweet... ♪


You got the tape?

Standard. Micro.

How do you feel, confident?
I feel good.

You nervous?
Not at all.

Get up, get up!
It's her!

Oh, the hell with this!
I'm scared to death!

Oh, the hell with this!
I'm scared to death!

Just walk away! It's off.
Cancel everything! Go!

Hi. What are you
doing here?

I thought I was supposed
to call you

when I got home.

I couldn't wait.
I was too anxious to see you.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, this is my friend,
Jerry Seinfeld.

I just bumped into him
around the corner.

Isn't that
a coincidence?

The funny thing is,
I see him all the time.

All the time.

It's nice to meet you.


So I'm starving.
Where are we gonna eat?

You know, we could go uptown,

You know, we could go uptown,

and that way, we could
give Jerry a ride home.

Okay, let's go.

I'm ready.
Where'd you park?

Don't you want
to go upstairs first?

No, what for?

I'll just give my bag
to the doorman.

You know...

I really need
to use the bathroom.

Oh, well, there's a bathroom

in the coffee shop
just next door.

Yes, yes, but...

I have to make a call, so...

Well, they have
a phone.


I know Jerry...

He has this phobia
about public toilets.


I think we really
should go upstairs.

You know,
I think I will go upstairs.

I can check my machine.

Right. Right.

The bathroom's down
the hall to the right.

Uh, you know,
why don't you go first?

Uh, you know,
why don't you go first?

You just had a long trip.
No, I'm fine.


You know,
it's the damnedest thing...

It went away.

Well, that's weird.

Uh, no, no.
That can happen.

I've read about that
in medical journals.

It's a freak thing.

Well, let me just check
my messages, and we'll go.

Uh, Carol, could I talk to you
for a second?

Right now.

Please. This is--
This is very important.

GEORGE: Tippy toe! Tippy toe!
Uh, lemon tree!

Now I know
who you are!

You're a comedian.
I've seen you.

It's been
driving me crazy!

Right. I am.

Carol, that's so rude.

Please, I'm serious,
just for a moment,

if you wouldn't mind,
and then we'll talk to Jerry.

Hey, you two,
I'm ready to go.

That's what you
had to tell me?

Your father
wears sneakers in the pool?

Don't you find that


Well, I'll just check my machine
and we'll go.

Nope, nothing here. Let's go.

Nope, nothing here. Let's go.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

After I talked to you today,
my neighbor called me

and played my messages
for me over the phone.

Oh, I...

Yours were hilarious!
We were both cracking up.

I just love jokes like that.

I love my phone machine.

I wish I was a phone machine.

I wish if I saw somebody
on the street

I didn't want to talk to,

I didn't want to talk to,

I could go, "Excuse me,
I'm not in right now.

"If you could just
leave a message,

I could walk away."

I also have a cordless phone,
but I don't like that as much,

because you can't slam down
a cordless phone.

You get mad at somebody
on a real phone,

"You can't talk to me
like that!" Bang! You know.

Cordless phone,

"You can't talk to me
like that..."

I told him.