Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Jacket - full transcript

I hate clothes, okay?

I hate buying them.

I hate picking them out of my closet.

I can't stand every day trying to come
up with little outfits for myself.

I think eventually...

fashion won't even exist.

We'll all be wearing the same thing.

Because any time I see a movie
or a TV show...

where there's people
from the future...

they're all wearing the same thing.

Somehow they decided,
"This is going to be our outfit."



One-piece silver jumpsuit,
V-stripe and boots. That's it.

We should come up with an outfit
for Earth. An Earth outfit.

We should vote on it.

Candidates propose
different outfits. No speeches.

They walk out, twirl, walk off.

We just sit in the audience and go,
"That was nice. I could wear that."

- I think I've seen enough.
- I might have something in the back.

The back? They never find
anything in the back.

If they had anything good,
they'd put it in the front.

Why don't they open an entire store
for the back? Call it "Just Back."

All back. No front.

You walk in the front,
you're immediately in the back.

Look, Elaine. Tie carwash.

- I just read that. That's terrific.
- Her father wrote that.



- Alton Benes is your father?
- Yeah.

I always felt he deserved
a wider audience.

I'm not so sure he wants one.

Hey, don't forget Sunday, okay?

You and George are coming, right?
Hotel Westbury, 8:00.

Yeah, I guess I'm coming. I mean...

- What, you don't wanna go now?
- No, I'll go. I'm going.

No, Jerry, you have to.
I need a buffer.

I haven't seen my father
in a while, and, you know, it's...

I'm worried I won't be able talk to him.
He's such a great writer.

Frankly, I prefer
the company of nitwits.

So that's why
we're not together anymore.

What is this?

This is beautiful.

These jackets never fit me right.

Try it on.

Wow.

This is soft suede.

This may be the most perfect jacket
I have ever put on.

- How much is it?
- Oh, my God.

Bad?

- Very bad?
- You have no idea.

- I have some idea.
- No idea.

- I've got a ballpark.
- There's no park...

and the team has relocated.

Let me see that.

That is high.

Oh, man, that is
a beautiful jacket, though.

What's with the pink lining
with the candy stripes?

It's just lining.
You can always have it changed.

Should I get it?

I hate these moments. I'm hearing
the dual voices now, you know?

"What about the money?"
"What's money?"

It looks wonderful on you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

New jacket.

- What do you think?
- It's beautiful.

- Is it me?
- That's definitely you.

- Really?
- That's more you...

than you've ever been.

- What is with the pink lining?
- I don't know. It's got a pink lining.

- So, what'd you pay for this?
- I paid what it costs.

- How much?
- What's the difference?

- You're not gonna tell me?
- I'd rather not say out loud.

It's embarrassing.

- Over 300?
- Yes. But let's just stop it right there.

- It's over 400.
- I'm really not answering anymore.

- Is it over 400?
- Would you...?

Whoa, Nelson.

I know. I know.

What are you gonna do
with the leather one?

I don't know.

Are you gonna wear it?

- I don't know, maybe.
- Well, you're not gonna wear this.

Do you want it?

Yeah, okay, I'll take it.

I like that jacket.

- Okay, take it.
- Hey. Good karma for you.

Oh, baby.

What is that song?

It's from Les Mis?rables.
I went to see it last week.

I can't get it out of my head.
I just keep singing it over and over.

It just comes out.
I have no control over it.

I'm singing it on elevators, buses.
Singing in front of clients.

It's taking over my life.

You know, Schumann
went mad from that.

Artie Schumann
from Camp Hatchapee?

- No, you idiot.
- What are you, Bud Abbott?

What are you calling me an idiot for?

You don't know Robert Schumann,
the composer?

Oh, Schumann. Of course.

He went crazy from one note.
Couldn't get it out of his head.

I think it was an A. He kept
repeating it over and over again.

He had to be institutionalised.

Really?

Well, what if it doesn't stop?

Oh, that I really needed to hear.
That helps a lot.

All right, just say something.
Just start talking. Change the subject.

Let's just go, all right?

I can't believe we're having dinner
with Alton Benes.

I know exactly what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna try and act
like I'm not impressed.

- He'll see right through it.
- He'll look at us...

like he's backstage
at a puppet show.

Let me just get my jacket.

This is huge.

- When did this happen?
- Wednesday.

This jacket has completely
changed my life.

When I leave the house in this...

it's with a whole different confidence.

Like, tonight I might've been
a little nervous, but inside this jacket...

I am composed, grounded, secure
that I can meet any social challenge.

Can I say one thing to you?

And I say this with an unblemished
record of staunch heterosexuality.

Absolutely.

It's fabulous.

- I know.
- And I'll tell you something else...

l'm not even gonna ask you.

I wanna know,
but I'm not gonna ask.

You'll tell me
when you feel comfortable.

So, what was it, 400?

Five hundred?
Did you pay 500 for this?

Over 6? Can't be 7. Don't tell me
you paid $700 for this jacket.

Did you pay $700 for this jacket?
Is that what you're saying to me?

You are sick! Is that what
you paid for this jacket?

Over 700?!

What did you pay for this jacket?
I won't say anything.

I wanna know what you paid
for this jacket.

Oh, my God! A thousand dollars?!
You paid $1000 for this jacket.

All right. I'm walking out
of here right now...

thinking you paid $1000
for this jacket...

unless you tell me different.

All right, I'll tell you what.

If you don't say anything in five
seconds, I'll know it was over 1000.

Hey. Hey, will you do me a solid?

- What kind of solid?
- Sit in the car for two minutes...

while it's double-parked.
I gotta pick up some birds.

- Birds?
- A friend of mine, he's a magician.

He's away on vacation. He asked me
to take care of his doves.

- So take a cab.
- They won't take a cage full of birds.

I can't. I'm on my way out.
There's no way I can do it.

- George, do me a solid. Two minutes.
- Well, I'm going with him.

I'd like to. I've never done
a solid before.

All right. I'll... Yeah. All right.
Have a good one.

Two minutes. Believe me,
I know his two minutes.

By his conception of time,
his life will last over 2000 years.

Schumann.

Where are they?

Maybe he didn't show up.

What, you don't wanna do this?

There's never been
an appointment in my life...

where I wanted the other guy
to show up.

Wait a second. Is that him?

Yeah. I think it is.

Where's Elaine?

I'm nervous.

- Excuse me, Mr. Benes.
- Yeah.

I'm Jerry, Elaine's friend.
This is George.

It's a great thrill to meet you, sir.

Sit down.

- Want a drink?
- Sure.

- What'll you have?
- Cranberry juice with two limes.

And I'll have a club soda with no ice.

I'll have another scotch
with plenty of ice.

You like ice.

- I say, do you like ice?
- Like it?

Don't you find that you get more
without it?

- Where's Elaine?
- Well, we thought...

she was meeting you earlier.

She's usually pretty punctual.

Don't you find that, George?

Yeah. Yeah, she's punctual, and...

she's been late sometimes.

Yeah, yeah.
Sometimes she's on time...

and sometimes she's late.

I guess...

today she's late.

It appears that way.

- Yep.
- Yep.

- Looks like rain.
- I know. I know. That's what they said.

- Who said?
- The weather guy, Dr. Waldo.

I don't need anybody to tell me
it's gonna rain.

Oh, no. Of course not. I...

All I have to do is stick my head
out the window.

Which one's supposed to be
the funny guy?

- Oh, he's the comedian.
- I'm just a regular person.

No, no. He's just being modest.

We had a funny guy
with us in Korea.

A tail gunner.

They blew his brains out
all over the Pacific.

There's nothing funny about that.

Would you excuse me?
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.

I just wanted to tell you
that I really enjoyed Fair Game.

I thought it was just brilliant.

Drivel.

Yeah, maybe some parts.

What parts?

The...

drivel parts.

Oh, my gosh. I just realized
I have to make a phone call.

I can't believe... Would you...?
I'll be right back.

Thank you for leaving me alone
with him.

That was brutal.
I can't go back out there.

- Well, let's just leave.
- Elaine will kill me.

- Where is she?
- She's gotta be here soon.

How could she leave us alone
with this lunatic?

Ten more minutes, and that's it,
I'm leaving.

I have to tell you,
this guy scares me.

The waiter was trembling.

We can't possibly have dinner
with him alone.

- How we gonna get out of it?
- We say we're frightened...

and we have to go home.

Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk
our heads together like Moe.

I don't know. Just start scratching.

Tell him you have the crabs.
He was in the military.

He'll understand that.

All fathers are intimidating.

They're intimidating
because they are fathers.

Once a man has children,
for the rest of his life his attitude is:

"The hell with the world,
I can make my own people.

I'll eat whatever I want.
I'll wear whatever I want...

and I'll create whoever I want."

Who'd you call?

My uncle is having an operation.
I just wanted to see how he was.

What kind of an operation?

Bone marrow.

- Mr. Benes?
- Yeah.

Message for you.

From Elaine.

She got tied up.

She'll be here in 30 minutes.

Yeah, they should have taken care
of Castro when they had the chance.

Like we did in Guatemala in '53.

- Well, Guatemala...
- Sure. Guatemala.

All right. You boys
get yourselves together.

We'll head up to the restaurant.
I'll leave a note for Elaine.

I'm going to the bathroom.

- Let's go.
- What about Elaine?

- Hell with Elaine.
- She'll be furious.

We're dying here!

That's her. She's here.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Where is Dad?

He's in the bathroom.

Where have you been?

Kramer. That Kramer.

I'm just about to leave,
he calls me up.

He begs me to sit in his car
for two minutes...

so he can pick up these birds.

Oh, you didn't.

Well, he said he'd drive me here
right after.

So I am sitting in his car
for 20 minutes!

He doesn't come down.
I am freezing.

Then a cop comes by.
Tells me to get out of the car.

He's a city marshal.

He's towing the car away.

Kramer owes thousands of dollars
in back tickets.

He was gonna tow it
with me in the car.

So they tow the car.
Now I am standing outside...

and I am freezing, but I cannot leave
because I gotta tell him...

what happened to the car.

So finally, finally, he comes down
with this giant cage filled with doves.

He said he was getting instructions,
that each dove has a different diet.

So we're wandering around,
trying to get a cab...

when two of these doves fly out.

Now we're running after these doves.

I almost got hit by a bus.

So how is everything going
over here?

- Great.
- Couldn't be better.

Good, because Dad can make
some people a little uncomfortable.

- Oh, no.
- Get out of here.

Man, Kramer. I could kill him.

You know better than
to get involved with Kramer.

- He said he'd give me a lift.
- The lift.

Like the lure of the Siren's song.
Never what it seems to be.

Yet who among us can resist?

Where do you come up
with this stuff?

- Well, look who's here.
- Oh, hi, Dad.

Hello, dear.

- Who's the lipstick for?
- No one.

- How's your mother?
- Fine.

How about you, are you working?

Yeah. I'm reading manuscripts
for Pendant Publishing.

I told you 10 times.

Pendant? Those bastards.

Well, all right, boys.

We'll go to that Pakistani
restaurant on 46th Street.

You're not afraid of a little spice,
are you?

Pipe down, chorus boy.

Chorus boy?

It's snowing.

It's beautiful.

Snow?

Snow, that can't be good for suede,
can it?

I wouldn't think so.

What should I do?

We're taking a cab, aren't we?

Cab? It's only five blocks.

- Why don't you turn it inside out?
- Inside out. Great.

Wait a minute.

- What the hell do you call this?
- I turned my jacket inside out.

Well, you look like a damn fool.

Well, it's a new suede jacket.

It might get ruined.

Well, you're not walking with me
and my daughter dressed like that.

That's for damn sure.

It's... It's only a few blocks.

- Elaine?
- Yeah.

Come on up.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I gotta feed the birds.
- So?

You got any of those Mini Ritzes?

I can't believe that I do.

- What, are you going out?
- Yeah.

Hey, where's your new jacket?

- Oh, what'd you do to it?
- I was out in the snow last night.

Don't you know
what that does to suede?

I have an idea.

We can make the 9:30
at Cinema Three.

Okay.

Hello.

Thanks again for coming last night.
Dad said he had a great time.

- Is he still in town?
- He's driving back to Maryland tonight.

So, what are you gonna do
with that one now?

- I don't know.
- Well...

I didn't wanna tell you this,
but usually he hates everyone.

Really?

- You gonna throw this out?
- Well, I can't wear it.

Yeah, he liked you, though.

Said you reminded him
of somebody he knew in Korea.

Well, if you're just gonna throw it out,
you know, I could take it.

Yeah. Go ahead. Take it.

Dad thinks George is gay.

Oh, because of all the singing?

No. He pretty much thinks
everyone is gay.

See, I like it like this.

Isn't that...?

Is this from the snow last night?

You know what you should have done?
You should have turned it inside out.

I'll try and remember that.

Boy, it's too bad
you gave me this one too.

Yeah. Too bad.

Gonna have to do something
about this lining.

I had a leather jacket that got ruined.
Now, why does moisture ruin leather?

I don't get this.

Aren't cows outside
most of the time?

I don't understand. When it's raining,
do cows go up to the farmhouse:

"Let us in. We're all wearing leather!

Open the door. We're gonna
ruin the whole outfit here."

"Is it suede?" "I am suede.

The whole thing is suede. I can't
have this cleaned. It's all I got."