Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Pony Remark - full transcript

Jerry fears that an inappropriate comment he made at a dinner party caused his relative's subsequent death.

My parents live in Florida now.
They moved there last year.

They didn't wanna move to Florida,
but they're in their 60s...

and that's the law.

And you know how it works.
They got the leisure police.

They pull up in front of the
old people's house with the golf cart.

"Let's go, pop. White belt, white pants,
white shoes, get in the back.

Drop the snow shovel, right there.
Drop it!"

I am not much
for the family gathering.

You ever sit there, and the
conversation's so boring, it's so dull?

And you start to fantasize.
You know, you think:

"What if I just got up and jumped out
that window? I wonder what..."

Just crash right through the glass,
you know.

Come back. There's broken glass.
Everybody's upset.

"No, I'm all right.
I was just a little bored there.

And, no, I'm fine. I came back.

I wanna hear more about
that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose.

Let's pick it up right there."

You have so many nice jackets. I don't
know why you had to bring this jacket.

Who wears a jacket like this?

What's wrong
with that nice grey one?

You have beautiful clothes.
They sit in your closet.

Morty, you can't wear this.

- Are you getting that?
- I thought you were getting it.

- Should I pick up?
- Do you want me to get that?

- I'll get it.
- I'll get it.



- Hi.
- Hi.

Would you make this thing lower?

- I can hear it on the street.
- Hey, Jer, how did you do?

We won.
I made an incredible play in the field.

It was a tag-up at third base.

I threw the guy out,
from left field, on a fly.

We'll be in the championship game
Wednesday because of me.

It was the single greatest
moment in my life.

This is your greatest moment,
a game?

Well, no.
Sharon Besser, of course.

You know what my greatest moment
was, don't you?

In 1946, I went to work
for Harry Flemming...

and I came up with the idea
for the beltless trench coat.

Jerry, look at this sport jacket.

Is this a jacket to wear
to an anniversary party?

Well, the man's an individualist.
He worked for Harry Flemming.

- He knows what he's doing.
- But it's their 50th anniversary.

Your mother doesn't like
my taste in clothing.

I spoke to Manya and Isaac
on the phone today.

They invited you again.
I think you should go.

First of all,
I made plans with Elaine.

So bring her.

I don't even know them.
What is she, your second cousin?

I mean, I met them
three times in my life.

I don't know her either.

She made me fly from Florida for this,
and then she criticizes my jacket.

At least come and say hello,
have a cup of coffee, then you leave.

How come he gets to leave?

If I wind up sitting next to Uncle Leo,
I am leaving.

He's always grabbing my arm
when he talks to me.

I guess because so many people have
left in the middle of his conversation.

And it's always
about Jeffrey, right?

Yeah. He talks about him
like he split the atom.

The kid works for
the Parks Department.

- Morty, you coming in?
- Oh, yeah. I forgot all about it.

- Hey. How'd you do?
- We won.

- We're in the finals on Wednesday.
- Yeah!

What is this about?

I'm completely changing
the configuration of the apartment.

You're not gonna believe it when
you see it. Whole new lifestyle.

- What are you doing?
- Levels.

- Levels.
- Yeah.

I'm getting rid of all my furniture,
all of it...

and I'm gonna build
these different levels.

You know, with steps.

And it'll all be carpeted.

With a lot of pillows.

You know, like ancient Egypt.

- You drew up plans for this?
- No. No, it's all in my head.

I don't see how you can
get comfortable.

Oh, I'll get comfortable.

When do you intend to do this?

Should be done
by the end of the month.

- Gonna do this yourself?
- It's a simple job.

- Well, you don't think I can, huh?
- No, it's not that I don't think you can.

I know that you can't,
and I'm positive that you won't.

Well, I got the tools. I got the pillows.
All I need is the lumber.

- Hey, that's some big job.
- I don't see it happening.

Yeah, well, this time...
This time you're wrong.

- Come on, I'll even bet you.
- Seriously?

I don't want you betting.
Morty, don't let them bet.

A big dinner with dessert,
but I got till the end of the month.

- I'll give you a year.
- No, no.

- No, no, a month. End of the month.
- It's a bet.

Seriously, do you wanna
switch chairs?

No, no. I'm fine.

Oh, Jerry, you listening to this?

Yeah, Uncle Leo.

So now the Parks commissioner is
recommending Jeffrey for a citation.

Right, for the reducing
of the pond scum?

No, no, no. For the walking tours.

Oh, yeah, where the people eat
the plant life, the edible-foliage tour.

That's exactly right.

He knows the whole history
of the park.

For two hours, he's talking
and answering questions.

But you wanna know something?

Whenever he has a problem
with a high-powered big shot...

from the Parks Department...

you know who he calls?

Mickey Mantle?

Jerry. Jerry.

Did you taste these peas?

These peas are great.

These peas are bursting
with country-fresh flavour.

Phenomenal peas.

- Are you ready for dessert?
- Well...

actually, we do have
to kind of get going.

You're going?

- I don't really eat dessert. I'm dieting.
- Yeah, I can't eat dessert either.

The sugar makes my ankles swell up,
and I can't dance.

- Can't dance?
- He's kidding, Manya.

Is that a joke?

So did you hear Claire's
getting married?

Yeah, yeah.

I hear the fellow owns
a couple racehorses.

- You know, trotters, like at Yonkers.
- Horses.

They're like big riding dogs.

What about ponies, huh?
What kind of abnormal animal is that?

And those kids who had
their own ponies.

Oh, I know. I hated those kids.

In fact, I hate anyone that ever had
a pony when they were growing up.

I had a pony.

Well, I didn't really mean
a pony per se.

When I was a little girl in Poland...

we all had ponies.

My sister had pony.

My cousin had pony.

- So, what's wrong with that?
- Nothing, nothing at all.

- I was just merely expressing...
- Should we have some coffee?

Who's having coffee?

He was a beautiful pony,
and I loved him.

Well, I'm sure you did.
Who wouldn't love a pony?

Who wouldn't love a person
that had a pony?

You. You said so.

No, see, we didn't have ponies.

I'm sure at that time in Poland,
they were common. They were...

probably like compact cars.

That's it.

I had enough.

Have your coffee, everybody.

She's a little upset.
It's been an emotional day.

I didn't know she had a pony.

How was I to know she had a pony?

Who figures an immigrant
is gonna have a pony?

Do you know what
the odds are on that?

I mean, in all the pictures I saw
of immigrants on boats...

coming into New York Harbour...

I never saw one of them
sitting on a pony.

But why would anyone come here
if they had a pony?

Who leaves a country packed with
ponies to go to a non-pony country?

It doesn't make sense.

Am I wrong?

- I'll drive you to the airport.
- No, we're taking a cab.

I just hope that whole pony incident
didn't put a damper on the trip.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
It was a misunderstanding.

Hey, I agree with him.

Nobody likes a kid with a pony.

Well, if you ever talk to her, tell her I'm
sorry. Elaine too. She feels terrible.

- You know, you should call Manya.
- Maybe I will.

- Oh, hi. Hey.
- Hey.

I just came to say goodbye.

- Hey, need any help with those?
- It's nothing. I got it.

So how are your levels
coming along?

Well, I decided I'm not gonna do it.

Really? What a shock.

- Goodbye. We'll call you.
- Take care.

- Bye, Jer.
- Bye, Dad. Take it easy.

- Bye, Mr. Kramer.
- Yeah, so long, Morty.


when do I get my dinner?

There's no dinner. The bet's off.
I'm not gonna do it.

Yes, I know you're not gonna do it.
That's why I bet.

Yeah, well, there's no bet
if I'm not doing it.

That's the bet,
that you're not doing it.

Yeah, I could do it.
I don't wanna do it.

We didn't bet on
if you wanted to do it...

we bet on if it would be done.

- And it could be done.
- Well, of course it could be done.

Anything could be done,
but it only is done if it's done.

Show me the levels.

- The bet is the levels.
- I don't want the levels.

That's the bet.



No. Oh, hi.

No, they just left.

Oh, my God.

Hang on a second,
maybe I can still catch them.

Ma. Ma, up here.

Don't get in the cab.

Manya died.

Manya died!

- Who'd you talk to?
- Uncle Leo.

- And when's the funeral?
- I don't know, said he'd call back.

You know what this means?

We lost the supersaver.
Those tickets are nonrefundable.

She just had a checkup.
The doctor said she was fine.

- Unless...
- What?

What? Nothing.

You don't think...?

What, the pony remark?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
She was an old woman.

You don't think I killed her?

You know what that flight
will cost us?

It was an innocent comment.

I didn't know she had a pony.

Maybe we could get
an Army transport flight.

They got a base in Sarasota, I think.

I mean, the whole thing was taken
out of context. It was a joke.

That's probably Uncle Leo.


Yes, I know.

Well, it's just one of those things.

Sure, sure. We'll see you then.

The funeral's Wednesday.

What...? What Wednesday?

Two o'clock, Wednesday.

- What?
- I got a softball game on Wednesday.

It's the championship.

So you're not obligated.
Go play in your game.

- I didn't even know the woman.
- So don't go.

I mean, I met her three times.
I don't even know her last name.

Jerry, no one's forcing you.

I mean, who has a funeral
on a Wednesday?

That's what I wanna know.
I mean...

this is the championship.
I'm hitting everything.

I don't have a dress to wear.
And, you, you don't have anything.

I got my sport jacket.

You're not wearing that to a funeral.

- What's wrong with it?
- It looks ridiculous.

What, I'm gonna buy
a new sport jacket now?

I don't know what to do.

You know what this funeral's gonna
wind up costing me? Oh, boy.

We don't understand death.

And the proof of this is that
we give dead people a pillow.

And, I mean, hey, you know.

I think if you can't stretch out
and get some solid rest at that point...

I don't see how bedding accessories
really make the difference.

I mean, they got the guy
in a suit, with a pillow.

Now, is he going to a meeting,
or is he catching 40 winks?

I mean, let's make up our mind
where we think they're going.

I actually like ponies.

I was just trying
to make conversation.

- What time is your game?
- 2:45.

- And what time is the funeral?
- Two o'clock.

How long does a funeral take?

Depends on how nice
the person was...

but you gotta figure
even Oswald took 45 minutes.

So you can't do both.

You know,
if the situation were reversed...

and Manya had some mahjong
championship or something...

I wouldn't expect her to go
to my funeral. I would understand.

How can you even consider
not going?

You know, I've been thinking.

I cannot envision
any circumstance...

in which I'll ever have
the opportunity to have sex again.

How's it gonna happen?

I just don't see how it could occur.

You know, funerals always make me
think about my own mortality...

and how I'm actually
gonna die someday.

Me, dead.

Imagine that.

They always make me
take stock of my life...

how I've pretty much wasted all of it
and how I plan to continue wasting it.

I know, then you say to yourself:

"From this moment on,
I'm not gonna waste any more of it."

But then you go, "How?

I mean, what can I do
that's not wasting it?"

Well, is this a waste of time?
What should we be doing?

- Can't you have coffee with people?
- You know...

You know, I can't believe
you're even considering not playing.

We need you.
You're hitting everything.

He has to go.
He may have killed her.


What about you?
You brought up the pony.

Oh, yeah, but I didn't say
I hated anyone who had one.

- Who's gonna play left field?
- Bender?

Bender? He can't play left.
He stinks.

I just don't see what purpose
it's gonna serve, you going.

I mean, you think dead people care
who's at their funeral?

They don't even know
they're having a funeral.

It's not like she's in the back going,
"I can't believe Jerry didn't show up."

Maybe she's there in spirit.
How about that?

If you're a spirit, and you can travel
to other dimensions and galaxies...

and find out the mysteries
of the universe...

you think she'll be at Drexler's
Funeral Home on Ocean Parkway?

George, I met this woman. She is not
travelling to any other dimensions.

Do you know how easy it is
for dead people to travel?

It's not like getting on a bus.
One second:

It's all mental.

Fifty years they were married.
Now he's moving to Phoenix.

Phoenix? What's happening
with his apartment?

I don't know. They've been in there
since, like, World War II.

Rent's $300 a month.

Three hundred a month?

Oh, my God.

Although this may seem
like a sad event...

it should not be a day of mourning...

for Manya had a rich, fulfilling life.

She grew up in a different world,
a simpler world...

with loving parents,
a beautiful home in the country.

And from what I understand,
she even had a pony.

Oh, how she loved that pony.

Even in her declining years,
whenever she would speak of it...

her eyes would light up.

Its lustrous coat, its flowing mane.

It was the pride of Cracow.

Well, game's starting
just about now.

It was good that the two of you came.
It was a nice gesture.

I'm not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty.
I'm just an intern.

I can't write a note to an airline.

You got your degree. They don't care.
They just wanna see something.

- I just wanted to say how sorry I was.
- Jerry...

you wanna hear something?

Your cousin Jeffrey
is switching parks.

They're transferring him
to Riverside...

so he'll completely revamp
that operation, you understand?


He'll do in Riverside now
what he did in Central Park.

More money.


that's your cousin.

You don't understand.
I've never paid full fare.

Once again, I just wanted to say
how sorry I am...

about the other night.
- Oh, me too.

Oh, no, no, no.
She forgot all about that.

She was much more upset
about the potato salad.

So I understand
you're moving to Phoenix.

Yeah. My brother lives there.

I think Manya would've
liked Phoenix.

Gorgeous, exquisite town.

So, what's happening
with your apartment?

Of course...

it's very hot there.
I'll have to get an air conditioner.

Oh, you can have mine.
I'll ship it out to you.

But what about that big apartment
on West End Avenue?

Although, they say it's a dry heat.

Dry, wet. What's happening
with your apartment?

I don't even know if I should take
my winter clothing.

I have an idea.

Leave the winter clothing
in the apartment...

and I'll watch it for you.

And I'll live there, and I'll make sure
that nothing happens to it.

Oh, the apartment.

Jeffrey's taking the apartment.

- Oh, Jeffrey.
- You know Jeffrey.

Yeah, from what I understand,
he works for the Parks Department.

- It's raining.
- It's raining?

It's raining.

The game will be postponed.

We'll play tomorrow.

Believe me,
I wouldn't bother you...

if the Army hadn't closed
that base in Sarasota.

- Here, scribble a little something here.
- I can't. I'll get in trouble.

Oh, for God's sake.

Who gets picked off in softball?

- It's unheard-of.
- Never happened to me before.

I remember saying to myself,
"Why is Jerry so far off the base?"

I'll have to live with this shame
for the rest of my life.

Look. Then in the fifth inning,
why did you take off on the pop fly?

I thought there were two outs.

I couldn't believe it
when I saw you running.

I thought maybe they had
changed the rules or something.

It was the single worst moment
of my life.

What about Sharon Besser?

Oh, well, of course, 1973.

- Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
- Wonder about what?

You know, the spirit world.

Wait, you think Manya showed up
during the game and put a hex on me?

I never saw anyone play like that.

But I went to the funeral.

Yeah, but that doesn't make up
for killing her.

Maybe Manya missed the funeral...

because she was off visiting
another galaxy that day.

Don't you think she would've heard
I was there?

Not necessarily.

Who figures an immigrant
is gonna have a pony?

What is the pony?
What is the point of the pony?

Why do we have these animals,
these ponies?

What do we do with them,
besides the pony ride?

Well, why ponies?
What are we doing with them?

I mean, police don't use them for,
you know, crowd control.

"Hey, you wanna get back
behind the barricades?


Hey, little boy.

Yeah, I'm talking to you. Just...

Behind the barricades."

So somebody, I assume,
genetically engineered these ponies.

Think they could make them any size?
Like the size of a quarter if they want?

That would be fun for Monopoly,
wouldn't it? Have a little pony.

And you put him on the...

"Baltic, that's two down. Go ahead.
Hold it. There. Baltic, that's...

Yeah, Fine. Right there,
hold it right there."