Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Baby Shower - full transcript

Jerry is going to be out of town for the weekend and Elaine gets his OK to use his apartment to host a baby shower for an old college friend, Leslie. George remembers her all too well as they had been out on a disastrous date two years before. He always regretted not telling her exactly what he thought of her. Kramer meanwhile has been after Jerry to get an illegal cable hook-up from his Russian friends. Jerry reluctantly agrees - but he has visions of the FBI descending upon him. When Jerry returns home unexpectedly after bad weather cancels his trip, he arrives in the middle of the baby shower as do the oafish Russians to install the cable. George gets his chance to tell Leslie what he thinks of her - if he can get the courage to do so.


flip around the television
more than women, I think.

Men get that remote control
in their hands...

They don't even know
what they're not watching.

"Rerun, don't wanna watch it."
"What are you watching?"

"Don't care." "Who was that?"
"Don't know."

"Isn't that your father?"
"Doesn't matter, I gotta keep going."

Women don't do that.
See, now, women...

will stop and go, "Well,
let me see what the show is...

before I change the channel."

You see, but men just fly.
Because women...

You see, women nest,
and men hunt.

That's why we watch TV differently.

Before there was flipping around,
before there was television...

kings and emperors
and pharaohs and such...

had storytellers that would
tell them stories.

That was their entertainment.

I always wonder in that era if they
would get 30 storytellers together...

so they could still flip around.
Just go:

"Tell me your story.
I don't wanna hear anymore.

Shut up. Next guy.
What are you talking about?

Is there a girl in that story?
No? Shut up.

What have you got?
I don't wanna hear that.

What are you talking about?
Don't wanna hear it.

Now, the whole of you,
get out of here. I'm going to bed."

She's pregnant?

Leslie is pregnant?
Oh, see, there is no justice.

She's the performance artist, right?

Yeah, performance artist.
She's a performer, a real trouper.

What's her husband's name again?



- Todd.
- Todd.

Oh, yeah.

- He's a Kennedy.
- No, he's not.

- Come on, he's a third cousin.
- By marriage.

Oh, by marriage, yeah.
We went to the wedding.

Should've heard them talk
about Chappaquiddick.

Tried to blame the whole thing
on bad directions.

That woman was unequivocally
the worst date of my life.

Pardon me for setting you up
with a beautiful, intelligent woman.

What, you don't think I can attract
beautiful, intelligent women?

Thin ice, George, very thin ice.

Maybe for her new performance
piece, she'll give birth on-stage.

She stopped performing.

What a huge blow to the culture.

You believe this guy?
He holds a grudge like Khomeini.

She dragged me down
to that warehouse...

on the waterfront in Brooklyn
to see one of her performances.

Oh, and she's on-stage cooking
dinner for some celebrity?


She's cooking dinner for God.

She's yelling,
and the next thing I know...

she throws a big can of chocolate
syrup all over my new red shirt.

- It was an accident.
- Oh, yeah, accident, right.

She was aiming at me,
like she was putting out a fire.

So for the rest of the show I'm sitting
there with chocolate all over me.

Flies are landing on me.

I'm boiling, I'm fantasizing
all the things I'm gonna say to her.

Later, finally, backstage,
when I talk to her...

l'm like a little grovelling worm:

"What kind of chocolate was that?"

"Do you throw any other foods?"
You know...

He thought he still had a shot.

Then, then, then...

she leaves with somebody else.

Never even...
Never even said goodbye.

Never called me back.
Never apologized. Nothing.

Like I was dirt.

What ever happened with the shirt?

I still have it.

The collar's okay.
I wear it under sweaters.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

She asked me to give her
a baby shower.

Asked you?
You're not gonna do that, are you?

Anyone else, never.
But Leslie...

I have a problem saying no to her.

For some reason,
I seem to want her approval.

Let Maria Shriver
give her a baby shower.

Ask not what I can do for you,
ask what you can do for me.

Ich bin ein sucker.

Would you two stop
with the Kennedys?

Why does everyone make such
a big deal about the Kennedys?

I mean, what is this fascination?
Who cares? It's all so boring.

Look, she doesn't deserve
a baby shower.

She deserves a baby monsoon.
She deserves Rosemary's baby.

I do have one teeny
little problem, though.

Never said goodbye.
Never apologized. Nothing.

See, I was gonna give
the shower in my apartment...

- But?
- My roommate has Lyme disease.

Lyme disease? I thought she had
Epstein-Barr syndrome.

She has this in addition
to Epstein-Barr.

It's like Epstein-Barr
with a twist of Lyme disease.

- How'd she get Lyme disease?
- I don't know.

She did some outdoor version of Hair
in Danbury, Connecticut.

- They still do that play?
- It's a classic.

- With the nudity?
- I guess.

She must've rolled over
on a tick during the love-in.

Never said goodbye. Goodbye.

Explain to me how
this baby shower thing works.

What do you want to know?

Well, I mean does it ever erupt
into a drunken orgy of violence?


There's no hazing of the foetus
or anything, is there?


- When is this supposed to be?
- Saturday.

Saturday. Well, I have a show
in Buffalo on Saturday.

They're not gonna bust up
my apartment, are they?

No, I'll take full responsibility.

Because I've seen pregnant women...

and they sometimes
misjudge their foetal girth.

And they'll...

Just, like, one wrong turn, the whole
buffet is, like, right off the table.

Someday, before I die,
mark my words...

l'm gonna tell that woman
what I think of her.

I'll never be able
to forgive myself until I do.

- And if you do?
- I still won't forgive myself...

but at least it won't be about this.

What are you doing this for?
Look at you.

- Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture.
- But you don't have to.

- The guy is waiting in my house.
- Leave me alone.

It's a one-time fee, 150 bucks.

- Why live like this?
- I'm not getting illegal cable.

So you're gonna wait for the cable
companies to resolve their dispute?

They'll be in court for years.

- I read in the paper...
- Oh, the paper...

- They might hook us up again.
- Oh, God. You're so naive.

All the cable companies care about
is the big "mamoo."

Look at you. You're banging things.
You're just pathetic.

Just wasting your life.

I'm offering you 56 channels.

Movies, sports, nudity,
and it's free for life!

Stop shouting.
You're ruining the reception.

Can you hear yourself? Can...?

Do you know what you're saying?

- What you're suggesting is illegal.
- It's not illegal.

- It's against the law.
- Well, yeah.

Just hold this.
Can you hold that?

Look, will you at least
let me bring the guy over?

He's an amazing man.
He's a Russian immigrant.

He escaped from the Gulag.

He's like the Sakharov of cable guys.

He'll slow down your gas meter.
He sells slugs, Jerry.

Slugs for the subway.

- He's a real human-rights nut, huh?
- Yeah.

He's intense, man.

I don't know.

- What if I get caught?
- You're not gonna get caught.

Let me get him in. It's the '90s.
It's Hammer Time. Come on.

Just let me get him.

Jerry, Jerry,
this is the cable man.

You know, why don't we wait...

because I'm going
out of town tomorrow...

Tomorrow okay.

No problem. You'll have
the whole thing installed...

by the time you get back.

No, every time I turn on a TV,
sirens are gonna go off.

They're gonna track me down
like a dog, I know it.

Look, now, Jerry, it's no risk.
I swear.

The Mets have 75 games
on cable this year.

Put it in.

You won't regret it.

Yeah, Jerry's gonna be a cable boy
A cable boy, a cable boy

- Mr. Steinfeld?
- Seinfeld.

We're with the FBI. You wanna
tell us about your cable hookup?

My cable hookup? What about it?

It's been illegally installed.

It has? I've been out of town.
How did you know?

Jerry, I had to tell them.
I had to. I had no choice.

They were onto the scam
from the very beginning.

You're in very serious trouble,
Mr. Steinfeld.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Hold on. We're just patsies.

We're just a couple of users.
We never sold the stuff.

What about the Russian guy?
The Russian guy's the guy you want.

Mr. Seinfeld? Agent Stone,
FBI undercover.

No, Jerry!


Cable boy?

Cable boy?

What have you done
to my little cable boy?

Excuse me, could I get
something to drink?

I'm afraid not.

What's with this airline?
You're cutting out the drinks?

No, sir, we're flying into a blizzard.
Please fasten your seat belt.

We're making an emergency landing.

Are they gonna go over
the instructions again?

My name is Bill.

I might be the last person
you ever see.

I'm not afraid of flying, although
many people do have fear of flying.

And I have no argument with that.
I think fear of flying...

is quite rational,
because human beings cannot fly.

Humans have fear of flying,
same way fish have fear of driving.

You put a fish behind the wheel,
and they go, "This isn't right.

I shouldn't be doing this.

I don't belong here."

- Sounds like a rough trip.
- Well...

there were fire engines and
ambulances all on the runway.

And then when we landed safely,
they all seemed so disappointed.

So the college cancelled the gig?

There was so much snow,
the roads were closed.

I really appreciate
you picking me up. Thanks again.

- Forget it.
- No, really, an airport run.

It's nothing.

It's one thing if I asked you,
"Could you do me a favour?"

But to suggest it...

When you told me what
you went through on the plane...

it makes you stop and think.

I appreciate having a real friend.

If Richie Brandis did this,
I'd be suspicious.

You know how he's always got
some ulterior motive?

Ulterior motive...

Wait a minute. Don't take
the bridge. Get off here.

We can't go back to my place.
Elaine's having the shower.

- What, tonight? Now?
- Yeah. Yeah, I forgot all about it.

No big deal.
We'll go back to your place.

My place? No, no. I hate my place.
I don't wanna go back to my place.

Well, you wanna get a bite?

Well, yeah, I would. It's just that
I just ate a whole pot roast.

Well, so, what should we do?

You know, shouldn't we
at least drop off your bag?

Red shirt! Red shirt!
That's the red shirt!

- What are you talking about?
- You're wearing the chocolate shirt!

I am. What a strange coincidence.

Nice try, my friend, but you gotta
get up pretty early in the morning.

You gotta let me go over there.

What, you're gonna badger a pregnant
woman at her own baby shower?

You're gonna take it off and
make her rinse it in club soda?

No. I'm gonna hold it under her nose
so she can smell the scent...

of stale Bosco that I had
to live with for three years.

Then I'm gonna say, "Remember
this shirt, baby? Well, now...

it's payback time!"

We just bought an apartment
on Riverside Drive.

Bernard Goetz's mother
used to live there.

- So where's Todd?
- Up in Hyannisport.

Oh, my God, Hyannisport?
With the Kennedys?

Who else is up there?
Is Rose up there?

- So when's your due date?
- March 20th, 9 a.m.

- You know the time?
- I'm having a planned C-section.

My therapist told me if I go
through labour, I might get psychotic.

Leslie, Leslie, what ever
happened to Sargent Shriver?

Is he still with them? You don't hear
much about him these days.

Is he, like, out of the loop, or...?

Elaine, who catered this, Sears?

What is this?
What are you doing here?

- We're putting in the cable.
- The cable?

No, I'm having a party here.
You can't do this now.

Oh, we have to do this now.

- Who is this guy?
- Which one?

- Both of them.
- They're Soviet cable guys.

Okay. Does Jerry know about this?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's all authorized. Yeah.

- You can't. You can't do this now!
- Elaine...

Do you know how booked up
this guy is?

If I send him away now, it's gonna take
Jerry months to get him back.

He won't like that.

All right. Just do it fast,
and then get out.

Anatole? Giddap. Go.

It's only gonna take
a few minutes.

Then you and the gals
can take a load off...

and watch something on Lifetime.

What if we go up there,
what are you gonna say to her?

- What am I gonna say?
- Yeah.

"What did you go out
with me for?

Just to dump chocolate on my shirt,
and then dump me altogether?

I don't deserve
that kind of treatment.

You don't have the common courtesy
to return my calls? To apologize?

You think I'm some sort of a loser
that likes to be abused and ignored?

Whose shirt can be ruined
without financial restitution?

Some sort of a masochist
who enjoys being humiliated?

You think you can just avoid me
like I have some disease?

You have the disease!
You have the disease!

You may be beautiful and
rich and physically...

just unbelievable,
but you sicken me.

You disgust me.
You and everyone like you."

- You'll never say that to her face.
- Watch me.

Yeah, I eat the whole apple.
Core, stem, seeds, just everything.

Kramer. Kramer, look at him.

- Look. He's eating all the food.
- Yeah, yeah.

Well, you know,
there are many differences...

between American and Soviet
cultures that you're not aware of.

See, in Russia, the cable guy,
they got the whole run of the house.

Yeah, that's tradition.

You ever eat the bark
off of a pineapple?

- Kramer! Kramer!
- Excuse me.

Wow, man!

What are you doing here?
I thought you were out of town.

The show was cancelled.
There was a blizzard.

I can't believe you told Kramer
to install cable during the shower.

Jerry, look, look.
They've eaten everything.

Jerry, what a surprise.
I thought you'd left town.

Well, Leslie, sometimes
the road less travelled...

is less travelled for a reason.

George, don't even think about it.
Don't even dream about it.

- About what?
- Kramer!




George Costanza.


I guess you don't remember me...

but we actually went out
a couple years ago...

once. Remember?

- Vaguely.
- Yeah.

You took me to see one
of your shows.



it was quite good.

In fact, you even incorporated me
into the show.

I'm not actually a performer,
although my parents felt I had talent...


Remember me?

- I'm sorry...
- Mary Contardi. No?

Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry?
We had a date three years ago.

You took me to one of your shows.

- I think I remember.
- Told me you had a great time.

- Said you'd call me the next day.
- I'm sure I meant to call.

- I probably just lost your...
- Liar!


You were never going to call me.

You thought you could waltz through
life and never bump into me again.

But you were wrong, Jerry.
You were wrong.

What do you think?
I'm some poor pathetic wretch?

- I didn't think that.
- To be dismissed and ignored.

Some insignificant piece of dust?

Some person who doesn't
deserve respect and attention?

Well, you're the one who doesn't
deserve my respect and attention!

You're the insignificant piece of dust!

Actually, I never had
any formal training.

I guess I'd be better suited
for improvs or something...

Thanks a lot.

Oh, bye.

- Oh, I'm so sorry you have to go.
- Yeah, I really have to be going.

All right, listen. I've changed my mind.
I don't want the cable.

- Jerry, don't be a fool.
- You don't want?

No, I don't want. Tell me what
I owe you for your trouble...

Four hundred dollars.

Four hundred dollars.

You told me 150.

Oh, well...

I'm going. Obviously.

Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about
everything that went on here tonight.

- I had no idea...
- Elaine...

I was watching you tonight,
and I realized something.

You're just like you were
in college.

Thank you.

What was I like in college?

Come on, let's go.

Be right back.

I'm not paying $400.
I don't even want the thing.

What are you gonna do?

Every woman on the face
of the earth...

has complete control of my life...

and yet I want them all.

Is that irony?

Why can't I meet a Kennedy?

I saw John Jr. Once downtown.
I was on a bus.

I hit the...


It didn't stop.

All right. I said I had
a good time and I'd call...

but who takes that literally?

Hey, come on over. Doctor Zhivago's
on cable in five minutes.

I'm making popcorn!

What do you do at the end
of a date when you know...

you don't want to see this person
ever again for the rest of your life?

What do you say? What do you say?

It doesn't...
No matter what you say, it's a lie.

"I'll see you around.

See you around.

If you're around and I'm around...

l'll see you around that area.

You'll be around other people,
you won't be around me...

but you will be around.

Take care now."

You ever say that to somebody?
"Take care now.

Take care... now.

Because I'm not gonna be
taking care of you...

so you should take care now."

"Take care, take care."
What does that mean? "Take care."

"Take off." Isn't that what
you really wanna say?

"Take off now.

Get out of here."