Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Chinese Restaurant - full transcript

I'm on the street the other day,
make a pay phone call...

go overtime on the call...

hang up the phone, walk away.

You've had this happen? What...?

Phone rings.
It's the phone company.

They want more money.

Don't you love this? And you've
got them right where you want them...

for the first time in your life.
You're on the street.

There's nothing they can do.
I like to let it ring a few times...

you know, let her sweat
a little over there...

and then just pick it up.
"Yeah, hello, operator?



Oh, I've got the money.

I've got the money right here.

You hear that?

That's a quarter.

Yeah, you want that, don't you?"

No, they just have to get more cops
on the force, it's as simple as that.

Cops, I don't even care about cops.

I wanna see garbage men.

It's much more important.
All I wanna see...

are garbage trucks, garbage cans
and garbage men.

You're never gonna stop crime.
We should at least be clean.

I tell you what they should do.
They should combine the two jobs.

Make it one job. Cop/Garbage man.

I always see cops walking around
with nothing to do. Grab a broom.



Start sweeping.
You sweep, sweep, sweep.

Catch a criminal,
get right back to sweeping.

- You should run for mayor.
- Nobody listens.

Where is someone? I'm starving.

Think this is him right here.

- Is there a table ready?
- How many?

- How many?
- Is Tatiana coming?

Well, I don't know. I have to call her,
tell her where we are.

I'm very lucky she's even
considering seeing me at all.

Really? I thought things
were going okay.

They were. It's kind of complicated.

Well, what is it?

- How many?
- All right, four. Seinfeld.

Four.

That'll be five, 10 minutes.

- What do you wanna do?
- Let's go someplace else.

- I am too hungry.
- We might as well just stay here.

We haven't got much time
before the movie.

I'm gonna call Tatiana.
There's the phone.

Tatiana.

Excuse me. Are you gonna
be very long?

Lasbrook, four.

- So did I do a terrible thing?
- You mean lying to your uncle?

I couldn't have dinner with him.

Plan 9 from Outer Space.

One night only. The big screen.

My hands are tied.

You know, it's a public phone.
You're not supposed to just chitchat.

Jerry, get menus so when we sit down
we'll be able to order right away.

Can't look at a menu now,
I gotta be at the table.

He knows I'm waiting.

He sees me.
He just doesn't wanna look.

Everything's gotta be just so
all the time with you, doesn't it?

I offered you those cookies
in my house.

Health cookies. I hate those
little dust-board fructose things.

I just can't believe
the way people are.

What is it with humanity?
What kind of a world do we live in?

What?

There's a woman over there
looks really familiar.

Dark hair, striped shirt.

I've never seen her before.

I know this woman.

This is gonna drive me crazy.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you see that? Those people...

Look, they're getting a table.

Maybe they were here from before.

No, no, they weren't here before.

Are you gonna be much longer?

I have to make a very important call.

Find out what's going on.

Excuse me.

Didn't those people just come in?

- I believe we were ahead of them.
- Yeah.

- What's your name?
- Seinfeld.

No, no. They were here before.

Kackige, two.

You ever notice how happy people are
when they finally get a table?

They feel so special because
they've been chosen.

It's enough to make you sick.

Boy, you are really hungry.

Hey.

If anything happens here,
can I count on you?

What?

If we decide to go at it.

Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble.

I have to get in touch with Tatiana.

Look at his little outfit.

It's all so coordinated.
The little socks match the little shirt.

I really hate this guy.

Oh, I'm gonna faint.

George...

who is that woman
In the stripes?

I don't know her.

She looks so familiar.

It's not fair that people are seated
first come, first served.

It should be based on
who's hungriest.

I feel like walking over there
and taking some food...

off of somebody's plate.

I'll tell you what.

There's 50 bucks in it for you
if you do it.

What do you mean?

You walk over to that table...

you pick up an egg roll,
you don't say anything...

you eat it...

say, "Thank you very much"...

wipe your mouth, walk away...

I give you 50 bucks.

- What are they gonna do?
- They won't do anything. In fact...

you'll be giving them a story
to tell for the rest of their lives.

Fifty bucks?
You'll give me 50 bucks?

Fifty bucks.

That table over there.

The three couples.

Okay, I don't wanna go over there
and do it...

and then come back here and find
out there was some little loophole...

like I didn't put mustard on it
or something.

No tricks.

- Should I do it, George?
- For 50 bucks?

I'd put my face in their soup
and blow.

All right. All right.

Here, hold this.

I'm doing it.

I know this sounds crazy,
but the two men standing behind me...

will give me 50 bucks if I stand here
and eat one of your egg rolls.

I'll give you 25 if you let me do it.

- What?
- What is she talking about?

What did she say?
What did she say?

- Will someone tell me what she said?
- Twenty-five dollars?

- What happened?
- Did you see that?

- What were you telling them?
- I offered them 25.

- They had no idea why.
- Oh, God.

- George, the phone's free.
- Hallelujah.

Excuse me. I was waiting here.

- Where? I didn't see you.
- I've been here for 10 minutes.

- I won't be long.
- That's not the point.

The point is I was here first.

Well, if you were here first...

you'd be holding the phone.

You know, we're living in a society!

We're supposed to act
in a civilized way!

Does she care? No.

Does anyone ever display
the slightest sensitivity...

over the problems
of a fellow individual?

No. No! A resounding no.

- Hey, sorry I took so long.
- Oh, that's okay.

Really, don't worry about it.

How do people fast?

Did Gandhi get this crazy?

I'm gonna go walk around
and see what dishes look good.

I told my uncle I had a stomachache.
Think he bought that?

Yeah, he probably bought it.

So, what happened with Tatiana?

- I shouldn't even tell you.
- Come on.

After dinner last week,
she invites me to her apartment.

I'm with you.

Well, it's this little place
with this little bathroom.

And it's, like, right there, you know?
It's not even...

down a little hall or off in an alcove,
you understand?

There's no...

buffer zone.

So...

we start to fool around...

and it's the first time,
and it's early in the going...

and I begin to perceive
this impending...

intestinal requirement...

whose needs are going to surpass,
by great lengths...

anything in the sexual realm.

So I know I'm gonna have to stop.

And as this is happening, I'm thinking
even if I can somehow manage...

to momentarily...

extricate myself
from the proceedings...

and relieve this
unstoppable force...

I know that that bathroom
is not gonna provide me...

with the privacy that I know
I'm going to need.

This could only happen to you.

So...

I finally stop and say:

"Tatiana, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way...

but I think it would be best
if I left."

You said this to her after?

No.

During.

- Oh, boy.
- Yeah.

Wow. So?

So I'm dressing,
and she's staring up at me...

struggling to compute this
unprecedented turn of events.

I don't know what to say
to reassure her.

And worst of all, I don't have
the time to say it.

The only excuse she might
possibly have accepted...

is if I told her I am,
in reality, Batman.

And I'm very sorry,
I just saw the Bat Signal.

It took me three days of phone calls
to get her to agree to see me again.

Now she's waiting for me to call,
and she's still on the phone.

I hate this place.

I don't know why we came here.
I am never coming back here again.

Who is that woman?

Remember when you first went
out to eat with your parents?

Remember?
It was such a treat to go.

And they serve you this different food
that you never saw before.

And they put it in front of you...

and it was such a delicious
and exciting adventure.

And now I just feel
like a big sweaty hog...

waiting for them
to fill up the trough.

Oh, she's off.

- Jerry, talk to that guy again.
- What am I gonna say?

Tell him we wanna catch a movie
and that we're late.

Hey. What stinks in here?

Mr. Cohen, haven't seen you
for a couple of weeks.

Well, I've been looking
for a better place.

Better place! Want a...?
Want a table?

No, just bring me a plate,
and I'll eat here.

Bring him a plate.
He'll eat here.

Come on, I'll give you a table.

Excuse me.

We've been waiting here.

Now, I know we were ahead
of that guy. He just came in.

Oh, no. Mr. Cohen always here.

He's always here? What does
that mean? What does that mean?

Mr. Cohen, very nice man.

He live on Park Avenue.

Where am I?

Is this a dream?

What in God's name
is going on here?

She's not there. She left.

She must have waited and left,
because those people wouldn't get off.

- Did you leave a message?
- Yeah, I told her to call me here...

and to tell anyone that answers...

to ask for a balding,
stocky man with glasses.

I better tell them
I'm expecting a call.

- Jerry, here comes that woman.
- Where do I know her?

- Hi, Jerry.
- Hey.

How are you doing?

- How is everything?
- Good, good.

What's going on?

I'm working hard. And you?

Oh, you know, working around.

Same stuff.

Doing...

whatever.

- You haven't been around in a while.
- I know. I know. Well...

you know.

You should come by.

Definitely. I plan to.

I'm not just saying that.

- Hi. I'm Elaine.
- Oh, Lorraine Catalano.

I'm sorry. Lorraine, this is Elaine.

Well, it was nice seeing you, Jerry.
And nice meeting you.

Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine.

Oh, my God, Lorraine.

That's Lorraine from
my uncle's office.

I am in big, big trouble.

- The one you broke the plans with?
- Yeah, she works in his office.

Now she's gonna see him
tomorrow...

and tell him she saw me
here tonight.

He's gonna tell his wife.
His wife's gonna call my mother.

Oh, this is bad. You don't know.

The chain reaction of calls
this is gonna set off.

New York, Long Island, Florida.
It's like the Bermuda Triangle.

Unfortunately,
nobody ever disappears.

My uncle to my aunt,
my aunt to my mother...

my mother to my uncle.

My uncle to my cousin, my cousin
to my sister, my sister to me.

You should've just had dinner with him
tonight and gotten it over with.

- It's just a movie.
- Just a movie?

You don't understand.

This isn't Plans 1-8
from Outer Space.

This is Plan 9.

This is the one that worked.

The worst movie ever made.

I'm really looking forward to it.

I got news for you.
If we're making this movie...

we gotta get a table
immediately.

Let's stop fooling around.
Let's just slip him some money.

In a Chinese restaurant?
Do they take money?

"Do they take money?"
Everyone takes money.

I went out with a guy who did it all
the time. You slip them 20 bucks.

Twenty bucks?

Isn't that excessive?

Well, what do you wanna
give him, change?

It's more than the meal.

Oh, come on, we'll divide it up
three ways.

All right. Seven, seven, six.

I'm not gonna eat that much.

I'm counting your shrimps.

Okay, who's gonna do it?

Oh, no, I can't do it.

I'm not good at these things.
I get flustered.

Once I tried to bribe an usher
at the Roller Derby.

I almost got arrested.

I guess it's you, Jer.

- Me? What about you?
- Oh, I can't do that. It's a guy thing.

The women's movement just can't
seem to make any progress...

in the world of bribery, can they?

Give me the money.

How's it going?

Very busy.

Boy, we are really anxious
to sit down.

Very good specials tonight.

If there's anything you can do
to get us a table...

we'd really appreciate it.

Oh, what is your name?

No, no, I wanna eat now.

Yes, whole sea bass dinner tonight,
very fresh.

Here. Take this. I'm starving.

Take it. Take it.

Dennison, four!

Your table is ready.

No, no. I want that table.

I want that table!

Come on, did you see that?
What was that?

He took the money.
He didn't give us a table.

- You lost the 20.
- Well, how could he do that?

- You didn't make it clear.
- Make it clear?

What a sorry exhibition that was.

All right, let me get the money back.

Excuse me.

I realize this is extremely
embarrassing.

My friend here apparently
made a mistake.

Your name?

- Seinfeld.
- Yes, Seinfeld, four.

No, no. Do you see the girl
over there with the long hair?

Oh, yes, yes.

Very beautiful girl. Very beautiful.
Your girlfriend?

Well, actually, we did date
for a while, but...

That's really not relevant here.

Relationships are difficult.

It is very hard to stay together...

All right, listen. All right.

How much longer is it gonna be?

Be about five, 10 minutes.

So?

There seems to be
a bit of a discrepancy.

- So when are we gonna eat?
- Five, 10 minutes.

We should've left earlier. I told you.

I don't see any way we can eat
and make this movie.

Oh, well, I have to eat.

Let's order it to go,
We'll eat it in the cab.

Eat it in the cab?
Chinese food in a cab?

- We'll eat it in the movie.
- Where do you think you're going?

You think they have
big picnic tables there?

- Well, what do you suggest?
- I say we leave now...

we go to Sky Burger,
and we scarf them down.

I'm not going to Sky Burger.
Besides, it's in the opposite direction.

- Let's just eat popcorn or something.
- Cartwright?

I can't have popcorn for dinner.

- Cartwright!
- I have to eat.

Well, they have hot dogs there.

Oh, movie hot dogs?
I'd rather lick the food off the floor.

I can't go anyway. I have to wait here
for Tatiana's call.

Let me just check. Excuse me,
I'm expecting a call. Costanza?

Yes. I just got a call.

I yell, "Cartwright? Cartwright!"
Just like that.

Nobody came up. I hang up.

Well, was it for Costanza or...?

Yes, yes, that's it.
Nobody answered.

Was it a woman?

Yes, yes.

I tell her you not here.

She said curse word. I hang up.

She called.

He yelled, "Cartwright."

I missed her.

Who's Cartwright?

I'm Cartwright.

- You're not Cartwright.
- Of course I'm not Cartwright!

Why don't you two go to the movies
by yourselves. I'm not in the mood.

Well, me either.
I'm going to Sky Burger.

- So you're not going?
- You don't need us.

Well, I can't go to a bad movie
by myself.

What, am I gonna make
sarcastic remarks to strangers?

I guess I'll just go to my uncle's.

- Should we tell him we're leaving?
- What for? Let's just get out of here.

Seinfeld, four!

Hunger will make people
do amazing things.

I mean, the proof of that
is cannibalism.

Cannibalism. What...?

What do they say? I mean,
they're eating, you know.

"This is good. Who is this?

I like this person."

You know, I mean...

I would think the hardest thing
about being a cannibal...

is trying to get some really
deep sleep.

You know what I mean?
I would think you'd be like:

"What was that? Who's there?

Who's there? Is somebody there?

What do you want?
What do you want?

You look hungry. Are you hungry?

Get out of here."