Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Deal - full transcript

Jerry and Elaine believe that they have found a fool-proof way to start having sex again but still remain just friends, but they quickly start encountering problems.

I was watching women in the
department store trying on clothes.

And I notice that they do it
differently from men.

Women don't try on the clothes,
they get behind the clothes.

They take a dress off the rack...

and they hold it up
against themself.

They can tell something from this.

They stick one leg way out.

They need to know, "If someday I'm
one-legged at a 45-degree angle...

what am I gonna wear?"

You never see a man do that,
see a guy take a suit off the rack...

put his head in the neck, go, "What
about this suit? I'll get it. Looks fine.

Put some shoes by the bottom
of the pants. I want to make sure.

Perfect. Now, what if I'm walking?
Move the shoes, move the shoes.

Move the shoes."

What are you doing?

All right. All right.

What's the matter with that?
What about that one?

Robert Vaughn,
The Helsinki Formula?

He was good in
Man From U.N.C.L.E.

Guess whose birthday
is coming up soon.

I know. I know. I'm having
my root canal the same week.

I hope you got a good oral surgeon,
because that can be very serious.

Hey, lookit. Naked people.

No, I don't want to see
the naked people.

Been a while?

I have a vague recollection
of doing something with someone...

but it was a long, long time ago.

I think my last time
was in Rochester.

My hair was a lot shorter.

I remember that it's a good thing.

And someday, I hope to do it again.



- What was that look?
- What look?

The look you just gave me.

- I gave a look?
- Yes.

- What kind of a look?
- I know that look.

- So, what was it?
- Why should I tell you?

Well, you're the big look expert.

I want to see how smart you are.

Trust me. I know the look.

- So?
- What?

- What about the look?
- I don't know.

- You got something on your mind?
- No.

Things pop into your head.


Things occur to me
from time to time.

Yeah. Me too.

Well, you can't expect to just
forget the past completely.

Well, no, of course not.

I mean, it's something we did.

Probably about...

what, 25 times.


Yeah, we pretty much know
what we're doing in there.

- We know the terrain.
- No big surprises.


- What do you think?
- I don't know. What do you think?

Well, it's something to consider.

- Yeah.
- I mean, let's say...

what if...

- we did?
- What if?

Is that, like, the end of the world
or something?

- Certainly not.
- Why shouldn't we be able to do that...

once in a while if we want to?
- I know.

I mean, really, what is the big deal?

We go in there...

we're in there for a while,
then we come back out here.

That's not complicated.

It's almost stupid if we didn't.

- It's moronic.
- Absurd.


I guess maybe some little
problems could arise.

There are always a few.

I mean, if anything happened...

and we couldn't be friends the way
we are now, that would really be bad.

- Devastating.
- Because this is very good.

And that would be good.

That would be good too.

The idea is to combine the this...

and the that.

But this cannot be disturbed.

Yeah, we just want to take this...

and add that.

But of course, we'd have
to figure out a way...

to avoid the things that
cause the little problems.

Maybe some rules or something.

For example:

Now I call you whenever
I'm inclined, and vice versa.

But if we did that, we might feel...

a certain obligation to call.

Well, why should that be?

I have an idea.

No calls the day after that.


Let's make it a rule.

All right, sir.

- Now, here's another little rule.
- Yeah.

When we see each other now...

we retire to our separate quarters.

But sometimes when people
get involved with that...

they feel pressure...

to sleep over.

When that...

is not really sleep.

Sleep is separate from that,
and I don't see...

why sleep got all tied up
and connected...

with that.

Okay, okay, rule number two:
Spending the night is optional.

Well, now we're getting somewhere.


- What about the kiss good night?
- Tough one.

Your call.

It's bourgeois.




You ready?


So you think you can handle this?


- Hey.
- Hey.

- Got the paper?
- Not yet.

- No paper.
- I haven't been out yet.

Well, what's taking you so long?

Oh, yeah.

What's the deal with Aquaman?

Could he go on the land,
or was he just restricted to water?

No, I think I saw him on land
a couple times.

So how's the job situation going?

Still looking.

Pretty bad out there.
What about you?

Nothing much.
I slept with Elaine last night.

Oxygen. I need some oxygen.

- This is major.
- I thought you'd like that.

Oh, this is huge!

- I know.
- All right, okay. Let's go. Details.

No, I can't give details.

- You what?
- I can't give details.

No details?

I'm not in the mood.

You ask me here to have lunch...

tell me you slept with Elaine...

and then say you're not
in the mood for details.

Now, you listen to me.

I want details,
and I want them right now.

I don't have a job,
I have no place to go.

You're not in the mood?
Well, you get in the mood!

All right. Okay.

We were in my apartment,
watching TV.

- Where you sitting?
- On the couch.

- Next to each other?
- Separate.

- Time?
- Around 11.

Okay, go ahead.

So she's flipping around the TV...

and she gets to the naked station.

See, that's why I don't have cable,
because of that naked station.

If I had that in my house,
I would never turn it off.

I wouldn't sleep. I wouldn't eat.

Eventually, firemen would
break through the door.

They'd find me in my pyjamas
with drool coming down my face.

All right, so you're watching
the naked station.

And then...

somehow we started talking about,
"What if we had sex?"

Boy, these are really bad details.

It pains me to say this, but I may
be getting too mature for details.

I hate to hear this.

Any kind of growth
really irritates me.

- I'll tell you, it was really passionate.
- Better than before?

She must have taken some kind
of seminar or something.

This is all too much.
So, what are you feeling?

What's going on?
Are you, like, a couple again now?

- Not exactly.
- "Not exactly." What does that mean?

Well, we've tried
to arrange a situation...

where we'll be able
to do this once in a while...

and still be friends.


Where are you living?

Are you here?
Are you on this planet?

It's impossible. It can't be done.

Thousands of years, people have tried
to have their cake and eat it too.

So all of a sudden, the two of you
are gonna come along and do it.

Where do you get the ego?

No one can do it. It can't be done.

I think we've worked out a system.

You know what you're like?
You're like a pathetic gambler.

One of these losers in Las Vegas
who keeps thinking...

he's gonna come up with
a way to win at blackjack.

No, this is very advanced.
We've designed a set of rules.

That we can maintain the friendship
by avoiding all the relationship pitfalls.

All right, all right. Tell me the rules.


No calls the next day.

So you have the sex,
next day, you don't have to call.

That's pretty good.

- Go ahead.
- You ready for the second one?

I have to tell you,
I'm very impressed with the first one.

Spending the night:


No. No. You see? You got greedy.

No, that's the rule. It's optional.

I know less about women...

than anyone in the world.

But the one thing I do know is, they're
not happy if you don't spend the night.

It could be a hot, sweaty room
with no air conditioning...

and all they have is
a little Army cot this wide.

You're not going anywhere.

- I think you're wrong.
- I hope I am.

- Is this yours or the roommate's?
- Roommate's.

- Would she mind?
- She keeps track of everything.

Well, that's too bad,
because I'm taking it.

Oh, thanks.


guess I'll get going.

I got that root canal tomorrow morning.
It'll be easy if I go home.

Fine. Go ahead.

I don't understand.
Is there a problem?

I'm getting the impression
there's a problem.

- Just go.
- I'm having surgery tomorrow.

- Surgery! You're going to the dentist!
- You said it could be very serious.

Okay. So fine, go.

What happened to the rules?

Sleeping over was optional.

- It's my house, it's my option!
- It has nothing to do with that!

- Of course it does.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- HI.

- Hi, Jerry.
- Hi.

Such a great improv class tonight.


I had this improv...

where I pretended...

I was working in one of those
booths in an amusement park...

where you shoot water in the clown's
mouth and blow up the balloon.

Tina, could you excuse us
for just one second?


I'll excuse you.

- What are you doing?
- I can't go if you're mad.

I'm not mad.

You seem a little mad.

No, Jerry, I'm fine. Really, it's okay.

So you're okay with everything?


Are you?



- good night.
- Good ni...

- What are you doing?
- What?

The rules.

Hey, who took my cake?

What about jewellery?
That's a nice birthday gift.

Oh, no, I have to be
very careful here.

I don't want to send the wrong
message. Not after the other night.

- Maybe I'll get her some jewellery.
- No.

You can't get her anything
better than me.

Whatever I spend,
you have to spend half.

What am I supposed to get,
a bazooka?

You don't understand.
I'm in a very delicate position.

Whatever I give her, she'll be bringing
in experts from all over the country...

to interpret the meaning behind it.

What does she need? Maybe there's
something that she needs.

I think I heard her say something
about a bench.

A bench?

- What kind of a bench?
- I don't know.

- She mentioned a bench.
- What, like at a bus stop?

- I don't know.
- Like a park bench?

I have no idea.

- Who puts a bench in the house?
- Forget the bench!

I got it. You want something nice?
What about a music box?

No, too relationship-y.

I mean, she opens it up, she hears
that "Lara's Theme," I'm dead.

Okay, what about a nice frame...

with a picture of another guy in it?

The frame says, "I care for you,
but if you want to get serious...

perhaps you'd be interested
in someone like this."

Nice-looking fellow.

- What about candleholders?
- Too romantic.

- Lingerie?
- Too sexual.

- Waffle maker?
- Too domestic.

Bust of Nelson Rockefeller?

Too gubernatorial.

Let's work on the card.

I had to buy a gift for someone.

The hardest part is that card.
The card is a killer.

I never know what it's
supposed to say.

And it's getting so tough, because
the relationships are so complicated...

greeting-card companies now
put out cards that are blank...

on the inside. Nothing.

No message.
It's like the card company says:

"We give up.
You think of something."

You know? "For 75 cents,
I don't want to get involved."

- Maybe you won't like it.
- How could I not like it?

- Of course I'll like it.
- You could not like it.

Just the fact that you remembered
means everything.

Of course I remembered.

You reminded me every day
for two months.

Oh, the card.

- Cash?
- What do you think?

You got me cash?

This way, I figure you could go out
and get yourself whatever you want.

No good?

Who are you, my uncle?

Hey. Come on, it's $182 there. I don't
think that's anything to sneeze at.

Let me see the card.

"To a wonderful girl, a great pal...

and more."


Elaine, I'm glad you're here. Stay right
here. I'm gonna be right back. Stay.

"Pal"? You think I'm your pal?

I said, "and more."

I am not your pal.

What's wrong with pal?
Why is everybody so down on pal?

- Hey.
- Oh, what is this?

- You got me something?
- Yeah. Yeah, open it.


The bench! You got me
the bench that I wanted!

- That's pretty good, huh?
- Great.

You remember when she mentioned it?
I made a mental note of it.

Well, goody for you.

Yeah. See, I'm very sensitive
about that.

I mean, someone's birthday comes up,
I keep my ears open.

So, what did you get her?

182 bucks.


You've gotta be kidding.
What kind of gift is that?

That's like something
her uncle would give her.

"Think where man's glory
most begins and ends...

and say my glory
was I had such a friend."


Oh, Kramer.

Could you excuse us, please?


We're talking.

Oh, the relationship.

You know, we never had
one fight before this deal.

- I know.
- Never.

- Ever.
- We got along beautifully.

- Like clams.
- It was wonderful.

A pleasure.

So I think we should forget the whole
deal and go back to being friends.

I can't do it.

You what?

I can't do that.

You mean, it's:

No this?

No that.

No this or that.

Oh, boy.

What do you want?

This, that and the other.

Oh, sure. Of course. You're entitled.

Who doesn't want this,
that and the other?



Those birthdays.

I told you, they're relationship killers.

If a relationship's having any problems
whatsoever, a birthday brings it out.

I never should have
made up those rules.

What is it about sex that just
disrupts everything?

Is it the touching? Is it the nudity?

It can't be the nudity.

I never got into these terrible fights
and misunderstandings...

when I was changing
before gym class.

This means I can't see her
anymore either.

- Why?
- It's breakup by association.

Besides, she's mad at me anyway
because of my birthday present.

Why? What did you
wind up giving her?

Ninety-one dollars.

Sorry about that.

So, what are you gonna do?

If I call her, there's no joking around
anymore. This is pretty much it.

So maybe this should be it.

- Could be it.
- She seems like an it.

She's as it as you get.

Imagine bumping into her on the street
in five years with a husband.

And she tells me that he's a sculptor.
They live in Vermont.

We'd have to kill him.

We'd get caught. I'd get the chair.

I'd go to prison as your accomplice.

Have to wear that really
heavy denim.

The cafeteria, with the guy who slops
the mashed potatoes onto your plate.

Go to the bathroom in front
of hundreds of people.


you know what else.

You better call her.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You got the paper yet?
- Yeah.

Well, where is it?

- Hey, you done with that?
- No.

Well, you're not reading it now.

All right, you can take it,
but I want it back.

Yeah, yeah.


what are you guys
gonna do today?

This and...


And the other.

Boy, I really liked the two of you much
better when you weren't a couple.

Why is commitment such
a big problem for a man?

I think that for some reason...

when a man is driving down
that freeway of life...

the woman he's involved with
is like an exit.

But he doesn't want to get out.
He wants to keep driving.

The woman is like, "Look.
Gas, food, lodging. That's our exit.

That's everything we need
to be happy.

Get out, here, now!"

But the man focuses on the sign underneath
that says, "Next exit, 27 miles." And he thinks,

"I can make it."