Secret Diary of a Call Girl (2007–2011): Season 3, Episode 7 - Episode #3.7 - full transcript

I have slept with 1,036 men.

Why would you want to see me
when there's all that baggage?

Because I don't see
baggage. Or a problem.

So, we're on? Yeah, we're on.

I'm taking her to the opera.

Right.

Evening, evening. Everyone
having a good time?

Look, mate, why don't
you sit somewhere else?

Listen, mate. Duncan is a prick.

I'm sorry if your night was spoilt.

I give up on you. I've
had enough. I just give up!



I've spent all this time
writing about clients.

But I don't know what it's
like to BE a client so...

This is just research.

Duncan approves of
research. So... not cheating.

Is it?

- Nice place.
- Thanks.

Sorry if I seemed a little bit
um... well, thrown just then.

Shit. Sorry, have I got the
wrong time? I'm such a-

Oh, no, no... not at all.
You're bang on time.

You're just not... er...
How can I put this?

...like my usual clients.

In a good way.

Sorry. What I'm trying to say is that...

...most of the women I see
tend to be more... mature.



Yes. Right, well, I'm
actually older than I look.

Surgery.

So...

So...

Oh, right.

Here you go, it's all there.

Thank you.

So you said in your email
you've never done this before?

Yes. Sorry. I'm a bit nervous.

- Don't be.
- Oh! Ha...

I'm really glad you chose me.

I suppose, in a roundabout
way, what I'm trying to say is

I think you're really beautiful.

I'm going to jump in the shower.
Do you want to come through?

Sure. OK.

Great.

If the blue on his lips
is anything to go by,

it's the Viagra that's leading him.

Do you want to join me?

No. I'm OK. You go ahead.

If you're sure.

So... how long have you
being doing this, Connor?

I did it a bit when I was
at uni to clear some debts

and I really enjoyed
it. So I carried on...

A female escort reveals
her body bit by bit.

It's the ancient art of seduction.

.. and it kind of fits in
with my web design work,

- I can do both jobs from home.
- Something he could do with learning.

So... that's why your website's so good?

- Yeah.
- Right.

Can you dry my back?

Sorry. I don't want to get
you wet. Well, not yet, anyway.

Was that cheesy? Oh,
that was really cheesy.

- Yeah, it was a bit.
- Don't hold it against me will you?

There you go. All done.

Shall we go through?

Come here.

I don't...

I'm not sure what this is.

It seems to be in the way.

Do you want me to take it off?

I hadn't thought of that, but yes.

What the hell are these?

I don't know, but I should probably
take them off, don't you think?

- Let's try it.
- OK.

Is there anything you'd like me to do?

Oh. Um...

I don't really know.

Maybe I should ask him
to re-design my website.

Concentrate. Um... Nice...
These are nice sheets.

He could really do
with some dimmer lights.

How does he get a girl in
the mood for... Oh, my God!

- Is everything OK?
- Everything's fine. Just...

Just carry on.

Just research. You know,
nothing to feel guilty about...

OK, Connor, Connor, Connor.
I can't do this.

Um...

I um... I have a boyfriend.
This just feels really unfaithful.

OK. Well, I wouldn't beat yourself up.

- I see lots of married women.
- Really?

They come here because they
don't want to have an affair.

I think it shows you really care.

Yeah?

I really wouldn't be
so hard on yourself.

OK, right, now I just feel even worse.

- Oh, shit. What did I say?
- Nothing. It's...

You are lovely. It's just...

Look, look... I'm an escort too.

What?

And... I'm writing this book.

And um... this, with you, was
going to be the next chapter.

- What kind of book?
- It's er...

It's a book about my life as an escort.

- It's coming out in the spring.
- Whoa. That is out of order.

Yes. I know but you were going
to be completely anonymous,

no-one would ever have to know.

It's still pretty sneaky.

I know. But um... if it's any
consolation, you're really good.

You can't put that bit in when I
said 'I don't want to get you wet',

- I never normally say that!
- I won't.

I wouldn't. Look, I'm... I'm sorry.

This was a really bad idea.
I should probably just go.

Hang on. You can't just go.

- No, no, I think I should.
- No, it's not fair.

If I'm going to be in a book, at
least let me show you what I can do.

I've barely got started.

How about a little bit
of professional courtesy?

Can I just have a minute?

Duncan's having a
relationship with Hannah.

If I'm going to do this,
I'm going to do it as Belle.

Show me what you've got.

Too much?

Well, he is a new client, you
don't want to scare him off.

Yeah. Stephanie says when he likes a girl
he's loyal so I've got to get this right.

OK, I'm off.

Oh, Bam-Bam!

Lube.

Thanks, babe.
Don't pick anything stupid.

I want everyone to be looking
at me on my wedding day.

Of course!

- Well done.
- Pleasure. Enough material?

There's plenty.

Well, tell me it was good, for fuck's
sake, I'll have a nervous breakdown.

It was adequate.

Ah! It was great and you know it.

Yes!

Hi Richard.

- Hi.
- Hi. What are you doing?

Just... catching up with some people.

- How's your day been?
- Yeah, it was good. It was good.

Good, good. I'm glad.

Well, actually it was a bit weird.
But... you're busy. So. I won't...

Yeah. I probably should go actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.
Sorry. Get back to your thing.

OK. I love you.

Oh, my God.
I didn't just say that, did I?

Did I say that? I said that.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

Um...

Here's a little extra for you.

Thank you, Richard.

- Bambi.
- Yes?

I'd like to see you again.
Would you like to see me again?

I'd love to. Call Stephanie
and I'll clear my diary.

- Good. I'll look forward to it.
- Me too.

This will be fine.

I've done the hard part.

This is just typing it up.

Like I always do.

Duncan'll be fine about it.

Won't he?

Oh, fuck.

Han. I'm sorry for the last message

and I'm sorry I was drunk
and rude to Duncan. Call me.

'You have ten new messages. '

Han. I was a dick. I know that.

But you're being a dick now not
returning my calls. Ring me back.

- 'Next new message. '
- Dick.

'Next new message. '

Come on, Hannah. I hate
this. For fuck's sakes, pick-

Here we go.

Nothing Duncan hasn't seen before.

I paid for sex. So what?

All right!

'Connor was the most
extraordinary lover I've ever had'.

Maybe I should lie.

'Connor was very disappointing
in the trouser department. '

Fuck!

'He didn't know anything
about a woman's body'.

'He really didn't have
a clue what to do'.

'I couldn't wait for it to be over. '

- Oh!
- Oh... Oh...

Oh...

I've got to be honest.

If we're going to work, as a
couple, he's got to know the truth.

OK.

'In one hour, Connor taught me more
about my body than a lifetime of clients.

A male escort needs charm, patience,
stamina and a sizable asset... '

- I know, meeting ran late.
- Three messages.

Hi, Duncan. New chapter attached. Enjoy!

Han. I've forgiven
you for so much worse.

Can you stop acting like a
child, please and give me a break?

Hi, Maria? Is Duncan in?

No, no. I was just checking he
was in. Is he picking up emails?

No, no, it's fine I don't need to
speak to him. It's fine. OK, thanks.

I'm not going to ring him.
I'm just going to play it cool.

Hi! It's me.

Hi.

Did you get the new chapter?

I'm just reading it now.

What do you think?

It's very interesting.

Should we talk? Why
don't you come round?

- Yeah. I think I should.
- OK.

I'm going out to see a writer.
Anything urgent, I'm on my mobile.

Ben!

Hello, mate.

I'm sorry about the other night.
I was a bit hammered.

I don't really remember
what happened but...

Hannah said I was a dick.

No, it's fine.

Actually, I think it's great.

What is?

I wish I could be reckless and act
like a prick every now and again,

but running a company, I can't.

I guess that's one of the
perks of being a barman.

No-one really cares
what you do, do they?

- Yeah. Thanks.
- You coming up?

No. You go ahead. I've got
somewhere else I've got to be.

Hi.

So, what did you think?

Yeah. Er...

The chapter was good.

Really?

What did you really think?

It was a bit weird.

Unsettling. It felt weird.

I really didn't want to send it.

Why is this different
to all the clients?

I know. It shouldn't
be. But it is, isn't it?

Yeah.

Maybe I should have
asked you before I did it.

I would have told you to do it

and then spent the rest
of the day kicking myself.

I really freaked out
when I was with him.

- Really?
- Really.

- What are we like?
- I don't know.

Did he have a good body?

Not a patch on yours.

- Whose girl are you?
- Yours.

- Sure?
- Sure.

Not that other guy's?

Let's go to bed.

Let's stay here.

I love touching you.

Is it like how he touched you?

Yeah.

I want to fuck you.

Did you like it when he pinned you down?

Stop talking about him!

- Suck me.
- No, no, no, I want to stop.

What?

Just... stop for a minute.

Why?

I think we're just
confusing things a bit.

What do you mean?

I think you want to be
having sex with Belle, not me.

God, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to make you feel...

This whole thing is just
messing with my head.

- It's OK. Just forget about it.
- I'm really sorry.

It's OK. It's just a fucked-up
day. Let's just write it off.

You know that thing you said earlier?

No. What?

You know.

I don't know what you're talking about.

About loving me.

That was just...

That was just something I...

I love you too.

Just ignore it.

Could it be a client?

Oh, God!

Hello.

I really want you to see my dress.

Babe, it's really not a good time.
You've got to see it, it's amazing.

Duncan's here and we're kind
of in the middle of things.

I can invite him to the wedding.
Come on, buzz me in!

OK, OK.

It's a work friend. She's a bit
mad but she's actually quite sweet.

Is it Letitia?

It is, it's the real-life
Letitia, isn't it?

Well, I couldn't possibly say.

- Hey!
- Thanks, babes.

Bambi, this is Dunky. Duncan.

This is Duncan. He's my
boyfriend. Duncan, this is Bambi.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I said
that. I think I had a small fit!

I'll just put this round here, shall I?

So... when's the big day?

28th.

Bambi, why don't you... hm?

Oh, yes.

Duncan, would you like
to come to my wedding?

Of course, I'd love to.

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