Secret Diary of a Call Girl (2007–2011): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript
Belle's handsome publisher Duncan criticises her writing style, feeling more stress should be given to what really turns her clients on. In the case of nervous young actuary Simon,it's farmyard noises,which Belle feels unable to divulge and she finds her writing is better when she imagines Duncan is her fantasy sex partner. Ben is now a frequent visitor to her flat,to sleep with sister Jackie, much to Belle's annoyance, but Bambi finds Byron is becoming more to her than just a paying punter.
(READS)
My hands clasped his buttocks
as he carried me across the room
and pinned me against the wall.
I had one foot on the bed,
the other wrapped round his hips
as he lifted me by the waist
so that my other foot
was wedged against
the dressing table.
Yeah. There.
What?
Well, it's that.
One on the bed, one wrapped round
his hips, one on the dressing table.
Three feet, Belle.
I...moved one.
In the next paragraph,
you've got three hands...each.
For the record,
I do it better than I write it.
You've tied yourself up
in technicalities.
Your readers don't want mechanics,
they want sensation.
They have to think sex with you
would be mind-blowing.
Right.
Good.
Keep going.
OK.
'Erm...so I'm against the wall.
Left foot here, right foot there.
Hands flying everywhere.'
And tell us how that felt.
OK.
'Erm...moments later,
he had me in a wheelbarrow.
His hands holding my thighs.
My hands on the floor
as he ran his fingers down my back.'
With both hands on your thighs?
Oh! I don't know!
'Erm...his foot moved forward on the
floor as he grabbed my other hand
and pushed my foot down as the other
hand reached out for his foot.'
It's the worst "how to" manual ever.
Sorry!
Stop worrying about what goes where.
We want to know about desire.
How it works, what's underneath it.
What's in your head,
what's in his head.
You want me
to explain the fundamental nature
of the subconscious?
Yes, please!
While you're there, could I have the
moon on a stick (?) No problem (!)
Good. Now, fuck off.
Oh, right, OK. Erm...
Oh.
(MOBILE RINGS)
Bambi?
Belle. You will never guess what.
No, I never will.
Byron's taking me to The Gaveston.
He's so sweet! I said I'd never been
and he remembered.
That's sweet. Is this the client
from last week?
Yeah. He's like a duke or a lord
or something.
Then we went for breakfast
in an Italian cafe
and ran out without paying.
He's paying you, though, right?
Yeah, he's got loads of money.
It'll be so nice to see him again.
Bambi, this is work, not a date.
I know. I was just saying.
OK.
Just remember he's a client.
A client.
I know. I know what I'm doing.
(DOOR BUZZER)
Ooh, hang on.
Hello.
'Simon Burford.'
Come on up.
OK. Just tell yourself he's this
nice to all the other escorts too.
Really?
Really.
I'll see you soon, OK? Bye.
Bye.
Simon.
Sorry. I was just...
Hello.
Come in.
Yes. Simon Burford. Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hi.
Hello.
Er... Oh, shall I take these?
Oh. Yes, thank you.
Now, why don't you make yourself at
home? Can I get you some champagne?
Well, if you've got a bottle open.
Well, not yet, but...
Well, then, don't worry.
So...nice place.
How long have you been here?
About four years.
And what do you do?
(SIGHS)
I do everything.
So, what brings you here today,
Simon?
I haven't had sex since I was 22.
OK. Shall we erm...sort
the formalities out first?
It'll just make things easier.
Yes, of course.
It's all there.
That's lovely of you.
Shall we pop you in the shower?
And I'll be in there when you're
ready. Shall I take this? Right.
It's just through there.
It's so sad when they are like that.
But give me an hour with him,
I'll give you a new man.
Nice suit.
Thanks.
What do you do for a living?
I'm an actuary.
An actuary?
Yes.
I evaluated the risks in coming
here, put them on a spreadsheet.
Risks?
It's an actuary joke.
Oh.
Sorry.
Are you sure you're OK with this?
Yeah, of course.
You must get some real perverts.
If I'm lucky.
You have to have sex with them.
Yeah, but...
it's not like that.
No.
No. Sorry. Sorry.
Would you like to kiss me?
Is that OK?
It's all OK.
Why don't you tell me
what you'd like to do?
To have sex.
How?
Just...just ordinary.
Why don't you tell me
what you'd really like?
Er...to...fuck you.
How, Simon?
I want to...
Say it.
I want to fuck you really hard.
Sorry.
I'd like that.
Yes, of course. Sorry.
OK. Well, here goes.
Oh.
Is that all right?
Yeah.
Do you like that?
Yeah, it's good.
You're so big.
Am I?
Not too big? Am I hurting you?
No, no.
No, that was really good.
You know before when you
told me what you wanted to do?
Why don't you tell me again?
Er...really?
Mm-hm.
I want to fuck you.
I want that too.
I want to fuck you really hard.
I want to make you come.
I want to make you scream.
Oh, God! Yeah!
Let's do it.
Let's do it like dirty dogs.
Yeah!
You love it like this,
you dirty cow?
Yeah!
Yeah.
You great big cow!
Uh-huh. Oh.
Yeah, I'm gonna make you squeal.
Oh, make me squeal.
Oh, yeah.
I'm going to fuck you hard,
you little piggy. Fuck me!
Fuck me hard!
Yeah.
You dirty, dirty, dirty goat.
Oh! Tell me you're a dirty goat.
I'm so dirty!
I'm a...goat.
Oh, yeah!
Say you're a cock-hungry chicken.
I'm a cock-hungry chicken.
Say you're a dirty ewe.
I'm a "you"... A "you" what?
It's a female sheep.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Bleat like a sheep.
Bleat like a sheep!
(BOTH BLEAT)
Sorry I'm late.
I woke up in Hastings.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I didn't think I was
going to see you again. Really?
Why?
Hop on.
(LAUGHS)
Whoo!
Simon...can I ask,
did you grow up on a farm?
I'm sorry. I didn't want to -
Don't worry.
I made you bleat.
Yeah.
It was fun.
It was funny. It was sweet.
No.
No, it's not. It demeans you.
Well, whatever works.
Is that why it's been so long?
My ex-girlfriend...she
told everyone.
I was the animal guy at college...
for three years.
Everyone has something they like.
It's OK. Come here.
Come here! Aw.
Mm.
Han?
(GASPS)
Oh. Hello.
Who are you?
Aren't you supposed to be at work?
Tuesday, half day.
You never told me that.
I'm really sorry.
I had no idea. I'm her sister.
You've got a sister?
Oh, God!
He's er...just
a, sort of, boyfriend.
He's going through
a bit of a difficult time.
Simon! Give me those back!
♪ THE KINKS: Wonderboy
ON HEADPHONES:
# THE KINKS: Wonderboy
I'm cooking. Do you want some?
What?
I'm cooking. Do you want some?
No, I've just had a sandwich.
How about I cook for you tomorrow?
I'm sorry I'm being such a nuisance.
How much longer do you think
you're going to be here for?
I'm trying to be nice here, Hannah.
OK. All right, tomorrow.
This is about Ben, isn't it?
What?
No.
I know he's your friend.
Yeah, he is. He's my best friend.
Can't we be
a bit more grown up than that?
You're married.
That's how grown up you are.
Married.
And my husband is fucking a temp!
I need something, Han.
And that something is Ben.
It's like the difference
between a pushbike and a Harley.
Yeah. I'm sure I used to think that
when he was my boyfriend.
Yeah. Did he ever do that thing
where he put his tongue -
Urgh!
I'm just - No!
Dinner at seven tomorrow.
Lovely.
'They say you can take
the boy out of rural Lincolnshire,
but you can't take the
rural Lincolnshire out of the boy.'
(BOTH BLEAT)
I can't send that.
'We want to know about desire.
How it works.
What's underneath it.'
'I always feel sorry
for the nervous ones.
And Simon was as nervous
as they get.'
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hi.
'Giving men like this a bit
of confidence is a public service.
Once I'd encouraged him,
Simon really took control.'
Mm.
'Sex with you
would be mind-blowing.'
'As he threw me back onto the bed,
he firmly pushed my legs open.
I thought, "I love my job."'
What? Just whatever it takes
to get it written.
OK?
You can't choose what's
in your subconscious, can you?
Attach.
'Love, Belle. Kiss, kiss.'
No kiss.
Hello!
Why can't I come in there?
Because I am cooking for you.
(DOOR BUZZER)
What's going on?
Hey. Come up.
You haven't? Jackie?
Hi.
Hey.
You're here.
Yeah.
I live here.
Yeah.
How are you?
What, since yesterday?
Fine. You know,
just doing what I do.
Dinner in ten minutes.
Dinner?
What were you expecting?
You know what? Don't answer that?
It was meant to be a surprise.
Oh, it was.
Venison steaks with a red wine
and blackberry reduction.
It looks delicious.
Aw. Thanks, Ben.
I can't do this.
Han.
(SIGHS)
I should go after her.
She just wants a reaction.
Besides, it gives us
a bit more time together.
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
Well, yeah. Good.
Some time together. Alone again.
I should have shown them
out of the flat, not myself.
It really is...it really is
very cold.
(MOBILE RINGS)
Hey, babes.
Are you checking up on me?
No. Erm...are you in town?
No, no, no. I'm just with a client.
Are you OK?
No, it's fine. I was just wondering
if you were around for a drink.
No, sorry, babes.
(Listen, I better go.)
OK. Bye.
Bye.
So this is me.
Is this the whole flat?
No, there's a loo through there.
It's very nice.
I don't usually
keep my knickers on the boiler.
Well, I usually keep mine
on the fridge (!)
Champagne?
Ketchup?
You are properly mental, you are.
I've had more fun with you
than with anyone.
Am I your best client?
Not just with a client, with anyone.
Since ever.
That's a bit wrong, isn't it?
Is it?
See, the thing is, Bam-Bam...
..you make me forget
that this is your job.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hello. Who's there?
Only me.
Hello.
Belle.
Everything OK?
Yeah. No, I was just passing.
You got the new chapter?
It's something else I'm working on.
An autobiography.
Very funny.
I'm sorry, should...?
No, I'm joking. It is yours.
Oh.
OK.
It's really good.
Good! Are you going to stand there
all evening?
Have a seat.
I like the new tone.
Thanks.
It's very sexy.
Steamy even.
(READS) He grasped my hips
and guided himself into position.
He pinned me to the bed
and fucked me hard.
It's not that different,
is it, the tone?
Sounded like you had
a real connection with the guy, no?
Something like that.
Would you like a drink?
You're not busy?
Well, not since
I was so rudely interrupted.
Er...whisky?
Er...yeah, OK.
I'll just use...
Cheers.
Cheers.
As long as you don't mind
mixing business with pleasure.
Well, that's...what I do.
This is powerful stuff. Daring too.
You're really unapologetic
about your enjoyment of the job.
This third paragraph is lovely.
People don't normally
think of sucking cock as lovely.
I do.
I should erm...I should go.
Jackie will probably be asleep
by now.
Well, next time you want to drop in
uninvited, feel free to call first.
Sorry?
Sorry, it was a erm...joke.
Oh.
A bad joke.
I've enjoyed it.
Me too.
Well, er...good night.
So, another chapter next week?
Sure.
I don't fancy him. OK?
This is a professional relationship.
There are lines
you just can't cross.
♪ ROY BUDD: Looking For Someone
What? OK, a bit.
I fancy him a bit, but, you know,
like only in the same way
that you fancy,
say, one of your teachers.
♪ I was a little girl
♪ Alone in my little world
♪ Who dreamed of a little home
♪ For me
♪ I played pretend between the trees
♪ And fed my houseguests
bark and leaves
♪ And laughed
in my pretty bed of green
♪ I had a dream
♪ I could fly
from the highest swing...♪
Fancying him and doing something
about it are very different things.
Nothing will happen.
Nothing can happen.
What is your idea of fun, Duncan?
That dress?
How would you get into that?
It's got a zip. Here.
itfc subtitles
My hands clasped his buttocks
as he carried me across the room
and pinned me against the wall.
I had one foot on the bed,
the other wrapped round his hips
as he lifted me by the waist
so that my other foot
was wedged against
the dressing table.
Yeah. There.
What?
Well, it's that.
One on the bed, one wrapped round
his hips, one on the dressing table.
Three feet, Belle.
I...moved one.
In the next paragraph,
you've got three hands...each.
For the record,
I do it better than I write it.
You've tied yourself up
in technicalities.
Your readers don't want mechanics,
they want sensation.
They have to think sex with you
would be mind-blowing.
Right.
Good.
Keep going.
OK.
'Erm...so I'm against the wall.
Left foot here, right foot there.
Hands flying everywhere.'
And tell us how that felt.
OK.
'Erm...moments later,
he had me in a wheelbarrow.
His hands holding my thighs.
My hands on the floor
as he ran his fingers down my back.'
With both hands on your thighs?
Oh! I don't know!
'Erm...his foot moved forward on the
floor as he grabbed my other hand
and pushed my foot down as the other
hand reached out for his foot.'
It's the worst "how to" manual ever.
Sorry!
Stop worrying about what goes where.
We want to know about desire.
How it works, what's underneath it.
What's in your head,
what's in his head.
You want me
to explain the fundamental nature
of the subconscious?
Yes, please!
While you're there, could I have the
moon on a stick (?) No problem (!)
Good. Now, fuck off.
Oh, right, OK. Erm...
Oh.
(MOBILE RINGS)
Bambi?
Belle. You will never guess what.
No, I never will.
Byron's taking me to The Gaveston.
He's so sweet! I said I'd never been
and he remembered.
That's sweet. Is this the client
from last week?
Yeah. He's like a duke or a lord
or something.
Then we went for breakfast
in an Italian cafe
and ran out without paying.
He's paying you, though, right?
Yeah, he's got loads of money.
It'll be so nice to see him again.
Bambi, this is work, not a date.
I know. I was just saying.
OK.
Just remember he's a client.
A client.
I know. I know what I'm doing.
(DOOR BUZZER)
Ooh, hang on.
Hello.
'Simon Burford.'
Come on up.
OK. Just tell yourself he's this
nice to all the other escorts too.
Really?
Really.
I'll see you soon, OK? Bye.
Bye.
Simon.
Sorry. I was just...
Hello.
Come in.
Yes. Simon Burford. Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hi.
Hello.
Er... Oh, shall I take these?
Oh. Yes, thank you.
Now, why don't you make yourself at
home? Can I get you some champagne?
Well, if you've got a bottle open.
Well, not yet, but...
Well, then, don't worry.
So...nice place.
How long have you been here?
About four years.
And what do you do?
(SIGHS)
I do everything.
So, what brings you here today,
Simon?
I haven't had sex since I was 22.
OK. Shall we erm...sort
the formalities out first?
It'll just make things easier.
Yes, of course.
It's all there.
That's lovely of you.
Shall we pop you in the shower?
And I'll be in there when you're
ready. Shall I take this? Right.
It's just through there.
It's so sad when they are like that.
But give me an hour with him,
I'll give you a new man.
Nice suit.
Thanks.
What do you do for a living?
I'm an actuary.
An actuary?
Yes.
I evaluated the risks in coming
here, put them on a spreadsheet.
Risks?
It's an actuary joke.
Oh.
Sorry.
Are you sure you're OK with this?
Yeah, of course.
You must get some real perverts.
If I'm lucky.
You have to have sex with them.
Yeah, but...
it's not like that.
No.
No. Sorry. Sorry.
Would you like to kiss me?
Is that OK?
It's all OK.
Why don't you tell me
what you'd like to do?
To have sex.
How?
Just...just ordinary.
Why don't you tell me
what you'd really like?
Er...to...fuck you.
How, Simon?
I want to...
Say it.
I want to fuck you really hard.
Sorry.
I'd like that.
Yes, of course. Sorry.
OK. Well, here goes.
Oh.
Is that all right?
Yeah.
Do you like that?
Yeah, it's good.
You're so big.
Am I?
Not too big? Am I hurting you?
No, no.
No, that was really good.
You know before when you
told me what you wanted to do?
Why don't you tell me again?
Er...really?
Mm-hm.
I want to fuck you.
I want that too.
I want to fuck you really hard.
I want to make you come.
I want to make you scream.
Oh, God! Yeah!
Let's do it.
Let's do it like dirty dogs.
Yeah!
You love it like this,
you dirty cow?
Yeah!
Yeah.
You great big cow!
Uh-huh. Oh.
Yeah, I'm gonna make you squeal.
Oh, make me squeal.
Oh, yeah.
I'm going to fuck you hard,
you little piggy. Fuck me!
Fuck me hard!
Yeah.
You dirty, dirty, dirty goat.
Oh! Tell me you're a dirty goat.
I'm so dirty!
I'm a...goat.
Oh, yeah!
Say you're a cock-hungry chicken.
I'm a cock-hungry chicken.
Say you're a dirty ewe.
I'm a "you"... A "you" what?
It's a female sheep.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Bleat like a sheep.
Bleat like a sheep!
(BOTH BLEAT)
Sorry I'm late.
I woke up in Hastings.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I didn't think I was
going to see you again. Really?
Why?
Hop on.
(LAUGHS)
Whoo!
Simon...can I ask,
did you grow up on a farm?
I'm sorry. I didn't want to -
Don't worry.
I made you bleat.
Yeah.
It was fun.
It was funny. It was sweet.
No.
No, it's not. It demeans you.
Well, whatever works.
Is that why it's been so long?
My ex-girlfriend...she
told everyone.
I was the animal guy at college...
for three years.
Everyone has something they like.
It's OK. Come here.
Come here! Aw.
Mm.
Han?
(GASPS)
Oh. Hello.
Who are you?
Aren't you supposed to be at work?
Tuesday, half day.
You never told me that.
I'm really sorry.
I had no idea. I'm her sister.
You've got a sister?
Oh, God!
He's er...just
a, sort of, boyfriend.
He's going through
a bit of a difficult time.
Simon! Give me those back!
♪ THE KINKS: Wonderboy
ON HEADPHONES:
# THE KINKS: Wonderboy
I'm cooking. Do you want some?
What?
I'm cooking. Do you want some?
No, I've just had a sandwich.
How about I cook for you tomorrow?
I'm sorry I'm being such a nuisance.
How much longer do you think
you're going to be here for?
I'm trying to be nice here, Hannah.
OK. All right, tomorrow.
This is about Ben, isn't it?
What?
No.
I know he's your friend.
Yeah, he is. He's my best friend.
Can't we be
a bit more grown up than that?
You're married.
That's how grown up you are.
Married.
And my husband is fucking a temp!
I need something, Han.
And that something is Ben.
It's like the difference
between a pushbike and a Harley.
Yeah. I'm sure I used to think that
when he was my boyfriend.
Yeah. Did he ever do that thing
where he put his tongue -
Urgh!
I'm just - No!
Dinner at seven tomorrow.
Lovely.
'They say you can take
the boy out of rural Lincolnshire,
but you can't take the
rural Lincolnshire out of the boy.'
(BOTH BLEAT)
I can't send that.
'We want to know about desire.
How it works.
What's underneath it.'
'I always feel sorry
for the nervous ones.
And Simon was as nervous
as they get.'
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hi.
'Giving men like this a bit
of confidence is a public service.
Once I'd encouraged him,
Simon really took control.'
Mm.
'Sex with you
would be mind-blowing.'
'As he threw me back onto the bed,
he firmly pushed my legs open.
I thought, "I love my job."'
What? Just whatever it takes
to get it written.
OK?
You can't choose what's
in your subconscious, can you?
Attach.
'Love, Belle. Kiss, kiss.'
No kiss.
Hello!
Why can't I come in there?
Because I am cooking for you.
(DOOR BUZZER)
What's going on?
Hey. Come up.
You haven't? Jackie?
Hi.
Hey.
You're here.
Yeah.
I live here.
Yeah.
How are you?
What, since yesterday?
Fine. You know,
just doing what I do.
Dinner in ten minutes.
Dinner?
What were you expecting?
You know what? Don't answer that?
It was meant to be a surprise.
Oh, it was.
Venison steaks with a red wine
and blackberry reduction.
It looks delicious.
Aw. Thanks, Ben.
I can't do this.
Han.
(SIGHS)
I should go after her.
She just wants a reaction.
Besides, it gives us
a bit more time together.
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
Well, yeah. Good.
Some time together. Alone again.
I should have shown them
out of the flat, not myself.
It really is...it really is
very cold.
(MOBILE RINGS)
Hey, babes.
Are you checking up on me?
No. Erm...are you in town?
No, no, no. I'm just with a client.
Are you OK?
No, it's fine. I was just wondering
if you were around for a drink.
No, sorry, babes.
(Listen, I better go.)
OK. Bye.
Bye.
So this is me.
Is this the whole flat?
No, there's a loo through there.
It's very nice.
I don't usually
keep my knickers on the boiler.
Well, I usually keep mine
on the fridge (!)
Champagne?
Ketchup?
You are properly mental, you are.
I've had more fun with you
than with anyone.
Am I your best client?
Not just with a client, with anyone.
Since ever.
That's a bit wrong, isn't it?
Is it?
See, the thing is, Bam-Bam...
..you make me forget
that this is your job.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hello. Who's there?
Only me.
Hello.
Belle.
Everything OK?
Yeah. No, I was just passing.
You got the new chapter?
It's something else I'm working on.
An autobiography.
Very funny.
I'm sorry, should...?
No, I'm joking. It is yours.
Oh.
OK.
It's really good.
Good! Are you going to stand there
all evening?
Have a seat.
I like the new tone.
Thanks.
It's very sexy.
Steamy even.
(READS) He grasped my hips
and guided himself into position.
He pinned me to the bed
and fucked me hard.
It's not that different,
is it, the tone?
Sounded like you had
a real connection with the guy, no?
Something like that.
Would you like a drink?
You're not busy?
Well, not since
I was so rudely interrupted.
Er...whisky?
Er...yeah, OK.
I'll just use...
Cheers.
Cheers.
As long as you don't mind
mixing business with pleasure.
Well, that's...what I do.
This is powerful stuff. Daring too.
You're really unapologetic
about your enjoyment of the job.
This third paragraph is lovely.
People don't normally
think of sucking cock as lovely.
I do.
I should erm...I should go.
Jackie will probably be asleep
by now.
Well, next time you want to drop in
uninvited, feel free to call first.
Sorry?
Sorry, it was a erm...joke.
Oh.
A bad joke.
I've enjoyed it.
Me too.
Well, er...good night.
So, another chapter next week?
Sure.
I don't fancy him. OK?
This is a professional relationship.
There are lines
you just can't cross.
♪ ROY BUDD: Looking For Someone
What? OK, a bit.
I fancy him a bit, but, you know,
like only in the same way
that you fancy,
say, one of your teachers.
♪ I was a little girl
♪ Alone in my little world
♪ Who dreamed of a little home
♪ For me
♪ I played pretend between the trees
♪ And fed my houseguests
bark and leaves
♪ And laughed
in my pretty bed of green
♪ I had a dream
♪ I could fly
from the highest swing...♪
Fancying him and doing something
about it are very different things.
Nothing will happen.
Nothing can happen.
What is your idea of fun, Duncan?
That dress?
How would you get into that?
It's got a zip. Here.
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